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#57622 - 09/01/05 08:12 AM **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
I feel like all I have been doing on this board lately is begging for help. ANd then with in a day or so I end up posting some change for the positive.

this crap of two steps forward one step back is killing me and i have reached what I truly believe is my bottom - I am reaching out for survival only tools.

Hubby has pulled several doozy statements and behaviours in the past few days that have me reeling on the inside. My right side of my brain tells me it is all "normal" due to his SA etc -- my left side is telling me to run and run and hide in some witness protection plan ....

I am exhausted from "nicely" asking for PRE information to our daily life functioning that effects me. He still fails to do this -- it is so sporadic I wish I had never even asked for pre info in the beginning it was less confusing & less upsetting to my daily survival = existance.

yes he is at the end of his schooling but it is NO excuse for HOW he has been treating me. His rational for making plans that AGAIN exclude me are complete replay of prior to when he violated the 20 yr old. I cannot protect myself against these behaviours or words.

It is a jumbled mess & I am not sure how to put into words exactly ALL that he has done & said over the past week/s or so.

Since I have moved back into the house (yes I asked him 1st & he agreed) - he has degraded in behavior. He has grown in physically taking care of himself (this is good), verbally he has matured when speaking with "others" , but when he speaks with me it is as if I am back living with my daughters teen age verbal skills & attacks.

I have NOT responded with anger except on two occassions in which I was not only verbally attacked & belittled, but triggered my own issues as well. I HAVE resorted to removing myself from what ever room we are in at the time. He is no longer responding to the "code words" that had been pre set. He now follows me to what ever part I remove myself to. Only to either stand with arms crossed and staring in anger or to try to antagonize me into an argument that I somehow manage to just ask him to express then leave or to just leave as I need "space" to calm dwon. I keep my comments to only "I am listening".

I have found out quite simply he is "hiding money" again -- this is something he did prior when he was actively using porn & prostitutes. He also scheduled a vacation without me, AFTER there had been an agreement between us that we would discuss my attendance in a "peaceful setting" to decide IF I would go or not. (we had gone back & forth about my attendance) He very blatantly scheduled & purchased airline tickets in front of me then DENIED vehemently that the prior agreement to discuss this "vacation" ever happened.

This is classic prior behavior of his "gas lamping" of me (old movie) prior to his acting out. The "vacation" is a perfect set up for him to "act out" with prostitutes & garrunteed silence from his family.

I have made a choice to attempt to "mirror" his behavior toward me in the past of our marriage. I am no longer conversing with him other than 1)I don't know 2) I forgot 3) I'm tired

He has been "pushing me" to go visit a daugh that lives several driving hours away -- physically I cannot make the drive alone and he knows this.

In my questioning of WHY he was only purchasing ONE ticket to this Gala and I snottily asked how much money he was going to need for pocket money and prostitutes (yes it was low but the i wanted to push a button on letting him know I am aware he has money hidden) he responded that "YOU can and do travel ANYTIME you want" --

this hurt soooo bad considering I have to BEG to get a RIDE sAFELY to Dr appts. a few blocks from the house. I responded by leaving the room as this was going no where. I had said a very hurtful thing to him (tho he professes I am allowed my anger & distrust especially in this type of situation) & he in turn hit me FAR below the belt -- he knows my daughters are the ONLY reason I have not injured myself permanently and have not given up in the stupid disease fight.

I feel as if in my fear for my life in living in the disability housing after being attacked & asking to move back in here I have made a worse choice yet again. I was so frightened that I would be raped I did not think this or plan out a REALISTIC plan to function under the same roof.

He had pledged and promised that he would seek and attend marriage counseling as soon as school was completed, I have been doing my best NOT to ask anything of him so that he could do well in his goal. He has begun already his search for a job that will entail a large amount of travel. Thereby making marriage counseling null and void.

A "Lame" attempt to make good with me was him coming to me to "ask" my opinion (as if it matters) when his current boss has asked for him to return to everyday Sat. working. **this was supposed to be just a 5 day wrk wk that really only lasted 3 wks then he was back to 6 days & school anyway** -- my response was it was totally his choice he knew when he made the most money on which days.

He has accomplished getting his Last Will & Testament in place -- a step forward that only took a phone call.

My health is NOT holding up, and he KNOWS I cannot drive in my physical condition for any real length of time beyond a few miles. My perspective on this is that he is unable to "watch" my body degrading but is doing on the "outside" what would appear appropriate to make amends. So that when I do pass he will not have to appear as if he has been anything but supportive.

I dont even ask him to take me grocery shopping - the only reason the grass was cut this past wkend was because of a NOTICE from the city. Hence a large FINE.

I am unwilling to move out yet again -- I DO believe that a set of "rules" can be made so that we can live as "room mates" and he can live as if he is doing his husbandly duties and I can still have SOME amenities to safty & my own "things" surrounding me when I do need Hospice.

Help -- have I bullshitted my ill self into thinking I should stay here and that this will work out for the better for me? having health insur is VITAL for me...

Is my "mirroring" his behavior a more effective survival tool?

He has become and is remaining so selfish I am truly considering drastic changes in what is left of my life --- I KNOW I cannot depend upon him for my happiness, but I am dependant upon him for my health care = GOOD HEALTH CARE. I feel I have earned my stripes for the years in this relationship with supporting him and then some.
However, I am feeling as if I have more than lowered my standards for simple standard of living quality.

Please ANY ONE ANY INSIGHT?????
Do I DARE call his group leader & ask for guidance? **I really dont want to do this, but I have gone beyond exasperated and NUMB***

A Dumb Sammy


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#57623 - 09/01/05 11:35 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sigh.

My insight?

Not dumb!!!!!

Sammy - you have done what you haveneeded to survive. If you'd had better alternatives, you would most certainly have taken them.

I am so sorry about all of this.

Hugs.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57624 - 09/01/05 06:45 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
bdr Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/29/05
Posts: 12
Loc: UK
Sammy

first of all you are not dumb-i kind of recognise some of his behaviour in me-and i think what u have to remember is that u have rights too-u have the right to be treated ok-he has to know this-if his problems are destroying u then u have to either make sure he knows this or leave-u seriously dont have to ruin your life as well

i sort of feel like i sould apologise to you for his behaviour because i recognise it so well

try and be happy

take care-and as i said u are NOT dumb

bdr


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#57625 - 09/01/05 07:08 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

Ah, Hell, lass. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better. I really do, because I understand.

Insight? I don't have any, because I also fall into this tendancy (I fight it more these days, so this is good). Repeating destructive behaviors. Why do we do it?

Hell, if I had that answer.....

The only thing I can say is that, I know the situation you're in is rough, but this doesn't mean he can, should, or be allowed to stomp over you, hide things from you, or not be held to account for his actions.

It's hard, but since you've both agreed to live together and make the relationship work, this also involves him working at it. Yes, he may have made some steps forward, but he's hiding something from you, which cannot be allowed since it also affects you and the kids.

Hell, I feel so badly for you.

My thoughts are with you. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

Peace and much love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#57626 - 09/02/05 03:49 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Pat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Canada
Sammy!!

hey, you know if your illness only gives you so much time, then don't you think you should be somewhere or doing something that would make you happy? You deserve to be happy just like anyone eles. you are wourth it!!!! Know if being happy means that you must leave then you know it's up to you.Only you know how bad it is at home and if this is the way you want to keep living, I hate that you sound so unhappy.you need to make sure you are taken care of mently,body, and sole.
( sorry for bd spelling) but you need to look into your self and realy look and don't lie to your self and say " what is best for me and what do I want and what will make me happy" and remmber don't kid your self buy looking for unrelitice goals. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, but there must be a light when you know what you want to do and are at peace with it. Well I hope the best for you and I hope for better days for you!
Pat

_________________________
EdO- no one should ever be hurt like we have and no one should have the pain that we hold in our harts thourgh life.WE will fight it and WIN !!

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#57627 - 09/02/05 10:20 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Guize,
I can''t begin to express how much your support has meant to me on this site thru the years.

I have such exciting news today that it seems all that I have gone thru is making my "pains" worth it.

I DID decide to come back to live in the house with hubby -- and I believe that I have a "Great Creator" who has guided and held me through out these ups and downs.

Honestly when I posted last I was on the brink of holding onto a tiny string of HOPE for my OWN self ---

Today I recieved news that my "move" may not be in vain --- I have been PRE accepted into a GENE study for people with heart disease like what I have, mine has some "classic" names but Docs have not named "IT" due to them never seeing what I have before.

I am ssoooooo excited about being accepted into the GENE study which turns out one of the Cardio's in my Wizards group (who has seen me in the past & cared for me) is heading up the "Study" -- it involves injecting "genes & chemicals" directly into the heart to "grow" what are called "Collalteral Arteries" ---

so even tho I may not be as "happy" here immediately just being 3 blocks from the place where this STUDY is being performed is a HUGE BLESSING.

I Know this has nothing to do with being with my "partner", but I just felt a HUGE NEED to share this exciting news with the people who have shared my life with me for these past few years .... maybe just maybe I will be able to go out into the world with more energy and GIVE in the way that I can best to not only the issues of male SA & Relationship / s -- but on my own personal issues that I am always actively involved in.

BDR - YOU are NOT responsible for HIS behavior even if you do recognize some of his behavior in your own. Heal yourself to the best of YOUR ability so that YOU too can experience happiness in your life. I applaud you that you can identify and recognize and ACKNOWLEDGE that you have these same behaviors. It does not mean that you have to run right out and attempt to change your particular behaviors immediately. Whomever enters your life even if for just a short while you have the ability to learn from as they have the ability to learn from you. THANK YOU for your KIND WORDS!

Kolisha,
You are a such a HUGE cheerleader with out you pointing out to me what I let slip sometimes , I just feel that without you and the others who are so BRAVE to input into my postings, I would feel so very much more alone -- THank YOU for being such a voice of REASON when I lose my way.

Scot -- I can only express the great amount of admiration and love that I have for a man who so bravely stands in my corner with open arms ALWAYS, so willing and understanding -- I did speak with him last night a little bit, and basically just expressed that he is now on this healing or NOT healing process on his own. I am taking care of ME no matter HOW he either likes it or not.

It was strange, he walked in, while I was talking with a politico (ya its race time again and i am always in the middle of local politics) -- he (Hubby) made remarks to this man that just about made me fall off my feet - I.E. how I was a wealth of info, kept the streets safe etc -- after the politico left he grabbed me in a hug and told me he meant EVERY word of it -- yet my pain made it feel so empty. I did tell him he was on his own, i would do NOTHING to embarass him & it was up to him to PROVE in action anything he said.

He did tell me he felt that he could NEVER gain my trust -- I told him that was unfair as all he had to do was ACT on his words and it would over time gain my trust -- but he had to give me the time just as I have been giving him the time AND following THRU on the promises & agreements.

BUT I was NOT going to plan or expect jack shit from him until behavior changed. His telling me he loves me etc feels so damn "empty" and rote I just dont even expect feelings from myself or truly believe that he KNOWS this is true. THERE is a difference to ME between CARE and LOVE. -- WAs I too harsh??

Pat, your words about lying to myself are EXACTLY what I am trying to figure out -- what lies I have been telling myself and what my "truths" are -- A HUGE task, physically I am in the BEST possible place to take care of me for my physical self. I DO HAVE people in my life that help to feed my soul and spirit.

I do this by staying as active in my daily life as I possibly can = still playing local politics & giving what I can in the heart disease groups. I do tend to play a little too hard when it comes to dealing with the "cops & robbers" portion -- but I have learned a little better to "pace myself".

I struggle with wanting PEACE for my HUBBY when it comes to his healing -- it is so damn hard to stand back and WATCH and not be able to FIX -- I cant FIX him. I do wish I could give him some of my fight in me when it comes to dealing with the SA -- but then again my anger wasn't and isnt always productive either...

So IF anyone has any IDEAS of WHAT questions to ask myself on HOW to find MY truths it would be such a help.

As you can see and tell I am so damn overwhelmed I dont know what basic questions I need to ASK myself to figure out my "truths" and even "needs" - the health stuff I know what I need -- the relationship with myself is where currently I am stuck... so ANY questions you may have asked yourself, or been suggested to you or heck any IDEA would be a BEGINNING for me to start my process....

Thank you to ALL of you GUIZE, --- I never feel "Alone" knowing you are all just a few keyboard strokes away....

With much Peace for Us ALL, Sammy


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#57628 - 09/03/05 01:57 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Pat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Canada
wifey1,
questions are hard. try what is easy to ask your self. like- 'am i truly happy?" and depending on the anser " what makes me happy/unhappy?" just strat slow don't rush and don't over think it too. You sound like a great person who just needs some friends be hind you and I'm here for you anytime! And the sounds of it everyone eles feels the same way. If you ever need to you can send me a personal letter if you wont or just see how everyone is doing right here! \:\) But like I said start small with the questions and go from there! I hope I've been a little help \:\)
ok. we will not let you be alone and we should be here when you need us it might take a day to get back at you (lol) but we are here for you!

Your friend Pat

_________________________
EdO- no one should ever be hurt like we have and no one should have the pain that we hold in our harts thourgh life.WE will fight it and WIN !!

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#57629 - 09/04/05 10:21 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
Something tells me that you're ahead of him in the healing process, and it's very frustrating for you.

Maybe he feels overshadowed by you and your grip of what's going in YOUR life ?

You're right to expect boundaries, but does he feel controled by them? We all know how much we hate control because our abuse was based upon control.

Maybe the compromises you're trying for are the only practical answer?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57630 - 09/07/05 09:42 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Mystic Rhythm Offline
Member

Registered: 08/12/05
Posts: 96
Loc: Limbo, clawing my way out...
Sammy, your husband sounds a lot like my father - unwilling to change. This is the impression I'm getting, and if I'm wrong, I apologize.

My father was simply unwilling to change for his family. He worked the barest of minimums to pay for his drinking at the local tavern next to his office, and brought piddly squat to the table and the roof over our head. No idea if he was into prostitution, but it wouldn't surprise me with all the drinking he did.

My point being that until one chooses to make a change in his or her life, it's pointless to even bother arguing or forcing them to do so. They'll only follow along at best, or simply refuse at worse, maybe even becoming violent to the people who have their best interest at heart. I can easily hear and understand that his "loving and caring words" are just that - words.

Humans respond best through actions. Very hard to lie through actions. Very easy to lie with words.

Please forgive me for this next observation, but in my own past experience, I've seen friends (women) hold on to the spark of goodness that lies in a very bad man, hoping it will consume the evil that permeates the man. Works in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, might work in real life for some, but chances are, won't work for most people. I know it's a negative point of view, but it's also the reality of some men and women and nothing you can do or say will change them or force them to change.

I'll echo other posts above and say that right now, YOU are the most important person that needs YOU. If he truly wishes to change, he'll make his choice, not you. So stop stretching yourself thin in hoping he'll change and focus on YOU right now.

MR

_________________________
"Don't give up and lose the chance to return to innocence" - Enigma, Return to Innocence

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#57631 - 09/07/05 10:04 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
MR - you are very gentle in your comments. I would like to know, though, does your opinion change for those of us who are simply experiencing the great Freeze Out that seems to happen with many relationships with survivors?

Also, I could be remembering incorrectly, but I seem to recall that there have been times when Mr. Sammy was really appearing to have changed dramatically - if someone is "doing the wave" (vacillating back & forth between becoming kinder & then backsliding) at what point can do we throw up our hands & say "enough is enough" this will never change?

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57632 - 09/08/05 12:59 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Guize,
I AM getting some very "obvious" freeze out behavior = lack of ANY sexual contact or INTIMATE contact = hand holdiing is minimal.
THAT part has definetly been playing a HUGE role in my attempts to be selfish & save myself through out his & OUR healing process.

re-reading Scot said something that STUCK OUT - (paraphrase here) - that Hubby is hiding something from me. DAMN thats exactly what I feel ssooooo much of the time. BUt not the usual, Porn or prostitutes type of acting out hiding -- but an "emotional" hiding , something he is feeling but is for what ever reason holding back.

Dave said something else that stuck out for me - along the lines of "MY Boundaries" & him feeling controlled by them... YES DAVE he does feel SOME control , but it is NOT boundaries that I have expressed verbally to him, at least to MY knowledge or memory. I have never ever told or asked him to explain his time etc. HOWEVER, I can now recognize I "caught" myself asking if he was going to go to a Mtg when it was time for the mtg, in fact then began a short "reasoning" as to WHY he could still go - even tho he was only a few minits late start -

I quickly shut down the conversation as I realized it was UNFAIR pressure & me attempting to Pressure him. BUT I felt like "shit" because the wording I used was "excuse words" - he was tired, it was his choice, he needed rest due to his schedule --- and then I ended up feeling angry and pissed off at MYSELF for "feeding into" his classic behavior of NOT dealing or facing his issues also -- sort of a stupid circle that everything was "reasonable" but unreasonable at the same time? (shit i hope that made sense)

I recognize now that I can easily make excuses for him , but give NOTHING to myself for excuses or reason for behavior = I hold MYSELF to a higher standard than I do him. Then proceed to internally be angry at him and at me -- a "fight" that NEVER gets fought?

I am pissed at MYSELF and at HIM and have not taken a chance to Express not only my anger and frustration because I am and have always been able to "reason" out in any number of fashions that more often than NOT end up Protecting him from my anger that has never been addressed - so my anger comes out by "punishing him" with snotty comments & return freezing him out.
Oh I can WRITE it out in a journal - but that is as far as I can get it productively.

Dave, I also realized I feel "controlled" by him with his actions of making himself "unavailable" to me with his over work & over perfectionism he expects of HIMSELF , then I feed right into that by trying to be the "perfect support & wife". For a multitude of reasons - i.e. he supported me during my own break down & therapies = I feel I "owe" him, but the truth is as I percieve it - THAT is what a life partner automatically does for another (thank you to my dysfunctional mothers & my own abuse shit) -- so WHY am I babying him? He is NO MORE fragile than I was/ am at the time I broke down and got dirty with dealing with my own abuse issues. (PLEASE no one take this as I have my abuse shit mastered I WAAAAYY dont, it has just changed yet again).

I do agree I AM trying for "compromises" to get thru until he has or is "ready" to deal directly with his issues = consisitency in therapy etc. I also recognize that the "compromises" I am settling for at this time I SURELY am gaining something from for my own personal shit, I just dont know what yet? -Hmmm?

MR -- I dont have any (that i am aware of at this time) pretentious hope that Hubby will do some thing such as Arise from the Ashes & REscue my dumb as on a white horse -- I have a father such as yours also = I DONT TRUST and because Hubby was convicted for having sex with the 20 yr old -- I waaaaayyy know he is no Knight in shining Armor, I have to do that part FOR MYSELF.

Kolisha brings up a great point and I have to straight up admit to MY OWN waving back & forth - I send double messages also to Hubby. I have worked and am working very HARD to try to Identify when I am doing this --

I know it more than knocked the wind out of my sails when HUbby told me that he has been and is often AFRAID of me not only my words but my actions. Tho I have NEVER been physically violent with ANY of my family -- Hubby HAS witnessed me stand up to some really dangerous shit ball criminals and kick their asses. ACTIONS DO speak louder than I could scream. I am SURE that him witnessing (sp)this left a HUGE impression upon him & my daughs have told me so.

Part of me is proud of my work in the community that I did those actions - now I am embarrassed and ashamed of HOW this has effected my loved ones.

In the past I was a SCREAMER in our arguments -- never hit or threw things (threw things in therapy as therapy work but he nor my children witnessed this) --

I do retain HOPE - hope for "changes" and know and Hubby & I have spoken about this, that IF the intended and promised marriage counseling does not work we know we may need to divorce. I figure our odds of success are just plain 50/50... I retain HOPE for success to have a better HEALTH quality of living.

I KNOW I am suffering with SEVERE depression at this time - Yet I just cannot seem to bring myself to go BACK YET AGAIN to one on one therapy -- perhaps it is to "punish" Hubby ??? perhaps because if feels so Hopeless to do so after most of our marriage I HAVE been in therapy -- better than 15 + yrs of therapy and I am not feeling any better?

My excuse to Hubby today after being "triggered" by watching TV's Dr Phil show on incest is that MY therapist is now working for a facility that the guy who attempted to beat me up attends therapy there & I was 'afraid' to run into him. A HUGE load of bullshit - and Hubby happily agreed he "understood", but that i could always beat this guy with my cane again -- ya, sick humor we use -- but what I NEEDED from him & am not going to get as he want to protect me as much as I do him ... I needed him to call me on the carpet tell me that was a line of bullshit and I could easily avoid this asshole by making sure my Therapist scheduled appts on different days than this shit ball.

In reality I also know that how in the fuck can HUBBY know or be able to say anything like that to me with the risk of me going ballistic with a stupid statement like ---- you dont care, you dont get it blah bla blah--- BIG risk for Hubby....

I know I can pick Hubby apart to shreds as to WHAT HE could / should do to heal himself -- but I am so baffled by my OWN crap I can hardly flush the toilet of my smell?

The shitty part of this is TRULY there isnt anything he cant tell me that I cant identify or understand with empathy HIS position --- I feel frozen I geuss for my OWN crap in dealing with HIS crap too? UGH ...

I babbled on again --- and have placed myself magically back into the "woe is me" bull & now have my own lists of "too busy's" ------ how dare I point a finger at him? when I still have 3 pointing back at me?

I gotta call that beloved damn therapist yet again to get my head out of my ass and "get busy living or get busy dying" (quoted from the Shawshank Redemption -Stephen King)----

Thanks for reading this mini novel -- your input is VALUABLE ...
anyone got an extra Kick in the Butt for me?
Peace, Sammy


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#57633 - 09/08/05 02:29 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Think you have administered enough kicks yourself. Don't need any more. Leave some for somebody else???? :p

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57634 - 09/08/05 09:02 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
An extra kick in the six well here goes nothing,I myself am a survivor and I have many flaws just like anyone else however,I myself because of how I have dealt with my abuse have created walls/buriers that I thought were unpenetratable well yet again I was wrong because every time I try to be "A cold hearted closed emotional bastard" someone comes along and manages to sneak around that wall somehow I must have a hole or flaw that needs more concrete around it.

I am guilty of becoming a person who shuts down emotionally and like your hubby I went and just recently had my "Last Will & Testament drawn up" I have been going thru a lot medically myself but more so I guess as a destructive mode of apporindi I don't care if I live or die my philosiphy is I am ready to go so just take me and end my pain and suffering so I no longer have to deal with this shit.My spouse as well flipped out the day I went and had this done and played the 20 questions game as well as "The old lets play trivial pursuit" which just closes me down further.

I also am guilty of turning to the bottle to deal with things as well when I get to the point of not being able to talk or open up to anyone in my life.Be gentle with your spouse and remeber what it is like to not want to speak of the abuse or the emotions/thoughts surrounding the abuse.As for hiding funds I am guilty of the same as a mode of if your going to fuck me then I can turn around and be even more ruthless and be just as much an asshole right back,remeber a relationship is a two way street and that goes for "Expensive lets sit on a couch and talk about our feelings and thoughts with a shrink who probably drives an expensive car and lives a lavish lifestyle thanks to us all who tend to think we need their services.I am guilty of the same thing making myself just as much "Busy" to avoid marriage shrinking my spouse did the same damn thing to me and what makes it twice as worse she brought in another Naval comrade so now not only do I get to play the lets fix your marriage but lets remind you of your career as well and reminders of how we dealt with things in the service as well to get us through to endure.

Might have more for you later to chew on as I ponder on this vector more.

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

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#57635 - 09/08/05 08:11 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Andrew,
You brought to my atttention something that I have overlooked and I want to say a THANK YOU with the utmost sincerity.

I forgot that Hubby just had his Will done with an Attny - I think that no matter whether we are in a "good space" or not, having that will done WAS a huge amount of pressure on him. Then he also went to Dr ( his idea) & got a strange result on his blood work. ALL that I am sure has added to his stress level. It has me scared & frightened also --

Please dont mis understand me, I dont play "20 questions" with him - its unproductive as hell and only serves in my experience to make me feel like his "mother" and further pushes him into silence or anger. I dont like 20 ?'s crap anymore than the next person.

I AM trying like hell to be "gentle" with him. I let my anger out in "journaling" & share it here. Sharing it here I feel at least "heard".

Further NEVER have I EVER called his boss or called him at work unless it was an emergency - in all of my working experience I found that behavior obnoxious and insulting (besides I was being paid to WORK not chat!)when "others" did this.

HE however is a GOOD man to me who calls me on his breaks and checks on how MY day is going. I am very careful about WHAT I tell him as I cannot let him know just regular minor every day feel like poop stuff -- it only makes him worry needlessly. I DO however ask him how HIS day is going in return & give him an opportunity to "vent" if needed.

I know you are not saying that I have done these things ...

In regards to the marriage counseling, --- I really dont know what to say - I cant schedule this, HE is the one with a job which comes 1st his duties there ---

So perhaps your enlightement to me of him just having his Will etc worked up "triggered" him a bit more? ---

I know this feeling and identify with it now

Quote:
I don't care if I live or die my philosiphy is I am ready to go so just take me and end my pain and suffering so I no longer have to deal with this shit.
I DON'T tell anyone this feeling because it would only get me committed to some idiotic place that would do me no good -- I feel I have to slug thru this muck until I come out on the ohter end some how.

Peace, Sammy


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#57636 - 09/08/05 10:51 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Sammy,

I noticed something here, and please forgive me for being so forward in saying this. It seems that you tend to rationalize his behavior, give him the "outs" he needs, but when it comes to you, you are exceptionally hard on yourself.

This is learned behavior, I know. And you're aware of it, but I think you need to hear from other people that it's okay to be mad and frustrated at what he's doing. And it is, because no matter what he's learned or how he feels, you both are a couple and there are things you need to share together. Maybe not at that time or place, but sometime, and not to "shut it away" forver.

This is something I'm still learning. It's easier to just deal with myself than other people, but it's not right. Never will be either.

Be easy on yourself, Sammy. You're allowed to have needs, too.

((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

Peace and love,

Scot

P.S. If they locked away everyone who just want to die some days, well, color me there. Rubber walls are looking very appealing to me right now. :p

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#57637 - 09/09/05 05:24 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
***CAUTION CONTAINS STRONG CUSSING***

Scot & Guize,
my first reaction is: Right brain says = Totally exactly right I AM entitled. Left brain says - holy shit! run! scream, fight, anger, no way, i'm sorry, please be kind to me, please be kind to him, hide in corner, shame, embarrassment

You get the picture here. In the book "Tuesdays With Morrie" - Morrie, speaks of a "Tension of Opposites". (paraphrasing here) Basically Morrie as he is dying tells "us" that our whole lives are filled with these "Tensions of Opposites". More so when they can effect/ affect our core inner beliefs and or self talk. Morrie also says "We are here to love each other".

I like to hold onto that last line, because it gets me thru the times when the Rubber Room is either full or someone else wont share the crayons.

Yes, I know I hold myself to higher standards, some of it comes from my own experiences, some of it is the traditonal "women training" - and a hell of a lot of it comes from just "having been there".

That's all great to say until I'm in the middle of this stuff and ALL my thoughts, experience, rational etc goes right the hell out of the window.

So, Questions -- HOW in the hell do I ASK the questions that need to be asked WITHOUT triggering the shit out of him? - THAT is a loaded queston because, pretty much ANY question is gonna trigger him -- even if its something so simple as - Are we going to cut the trees this weekend?

Is it "acceptable" to ask that as part of OUR healing he attend group consistently even IF we arent active in marriage counseling yet? ** I FEEL as if I need this ONE action to validate for ME that he REALLY does and will take action on the promise of marriage counseling.**

My personal belief is that the one hour a week is NOT too much to ask of him UNTIL we can begin the marriage counseling. 1) I'm tired of his blowing his cookies at me for unknown shit that has pissed him off 2) I feel that it is or should be a good faith effort on HIS part that he will not drop this or "forget" about this promise (of marriage counseling) by becoming too busy again 3) I feel the MEN in his group are better equiped to handle this DEFRAG than me

I understand much of what I am seeking depends Souly upon HIS needs & healing place. ARE my proposed requested needs unfair or too much?

This is where my own thought process comes in that "I" do things for HIM to support him & have in the past that I did as a PARTNER , perhaps I didnt like doing them so much , but I did them BECAUSE I made a promise to him to support him. and no I am not talking about sharing dish duty.

I have begun to even feel guilty for this thread - Honest to Great Creator I am trying like hell to hang on until he is done with this schooling this time. A FEW more weeks , the end of Oct.

It was easier I swear to God when he would go out to sea - at least I KNEW when to NOT depend on him & how to function without him then. I KNEW what and how to handle him coming back & the defrag process then -- BUT even tho' he may be "out to sea" right now, I still have to see his face every day & there is no time for DEFRAG!

****CAUTION CUSSING HERE***
maybe I did a bad thing yesterday - perhaps I didnt. BUT one of the guys who is a real fucking asshole at work = calls him a dumbass everyday & so happily harrasses the shit out of him for the sex offender conviction -- this asshole at work felt the need to deal drugs out of the back door at work = I callled my undercovers who "slowed" his business, anytoohoo's this shit bag got nailed for the umpteenth time for driving under a suspended license (also got turned in for harboring underage runaways but NOT a freaking thing happened legally to him for that = drugs booze underage females asshole laffed about the whole thing) -- anyway Mgmt has done NOTHING to protect hubby from this fucker -- so Hubby calls & tells me shitbag got busted on his lunch break for driving under suspended license, then later finds out X wife turned in asshole to opposite state cops (asswipe tells everyone his tale of woe) -- so Hubby is GIDDY in telling me this .... I may be very wrong here, but I couldnt stop myself from "cautioning him" against being too happy as it made him no better than asswipe & Karma was happening to be cautious. Our current State S.O. laws are in change something incredible ---- Was I wrong in pointing this out? (i dont condone asshole, but felt Hubby was "lowering" himself to asshole level)

I am shutting up for a bit -- Hope someone WILL please feel free to add their thoughts and or feelings... I AM LISTENING

Peace, Sammy


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#57638 - 09/09/05 05:57 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy,

You were right on in what you said to Dave before, and I think this might be the key you need to start finding the questions you have for yourself--

Quote:
I also realized I feel "controlled" by him with his actions of making himself "unavailable" to me with his over work & over perfectionism he expects of HIMSELF , then I feed right into that by trying to be the "perfect support & wife".
There is more than one way to try and control your spouse. His inaction and lack of availability are a method that he is using to get something out of you-- just the same as you trying to talk him into a meeting or trying to "caution" him away from a certain train of thought.

This is SO frustrating because if you are doing something, it's easy for him (or you) to say "stop it," but he has it set up so that you can't easily ask him to stop the behaviors that are controlling you-- what are you supposed to say, "Stop not doing that?"

What if you are ahead of him in healing? Are you willing to slow down or regress in your own healing? Are you willing to change your boundaries of what's acceptable and not acceptable? You say you've made a promise to be supportive of him, what does that mean? Does it mean accepting wrong and hurtful behavior? Does it mean never hurting his feelings? What did you really commit to here? How healthy and realistic are the terms of that promise? How can you get to a place where the thing you're promising to him is something you are capable of giving and still having something for yourself?

I never responded to a PM of yours from some time ago because honestly I was just at a loss to answer something you asked in it-- so I asked my boyfriend about it-- it was this:

Quote:
I often ask myself "Is all this shit really worth it?" - then something amazing big happens with his actions and then it somehow like childbirth pains, magically quickly go away?
This did happen for me-- but not for him. We had a long talk about something that had hurt me deeply-- it was a really painful talk but afterwards my hurt was pretty much gone. And in talking to him I realized that the difference is in the amount of emotion and acceptance that each of us were bringing to the conversation. The whole time I had allowed myself to face what had happened and really FEEL the impact of it-- so all of it was out there for the big talk to wipe away. This didn't happen for him because he wasn't at a place where he could remember and attach emotions to the memories. So the conversation was painful to him too, but the healing power of it was inaccessible to him.

Does that make any sense?
SAR


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#57639 - 09/10/05 05:44 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
The words "Out to sea" ring so true for me as I am ex-navy and I can see so many things in your husband that I see in myself.Drawing up my Last Will & Testament and also as well getting bad results from blood work and doctors that would crush me to want to do these manuveurs also as well the not talking rings so true for me as I don't want to tell my loved ones if I was at a place of contention and really failing health hate to say it but as of today the cat is out of the bag.My wife and I went to counseling today and I finally let her have how I feel and that my life to me is already over and I told her point blank she has everything she would ever want a great home a great job great health care family,my family and now a child that she is carrying that she wanted however for me I live in constant pain and learned that my thyroid is cancerous and my doctors don't give me much time left so I flat out told her she will be fine without me and to do just one thing to let my child know who I was and am and why I wanted out of planet earth and why daddy is going to be waiting on the other side for them one day.

I can't find a way to tell my wife this bad news as I don't want her to not be able to take the news and not know how to help me and know that I am on my way out.I want for her to be happy and it seems to me that would be better off without me she does not need a person that she loves dragging her down because the doctors can't help me anymore.Trying to cope with the news I received recently and trying to make some very hard decisions.I am not trying to alarm anyone just honestly the way I am feeling now.

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

Top
#57640 - 09/10/05 02:41 PM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
OMG!!!!

Have to leave the house now, but will get back to you later.

Please know that you are NOT ALONE!

Your love & respect for your family is beautiful & inspiring - especially after all you have endured in your lifetime.

Will say prayers for you this morning in Temple.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57641 - 09/29/05 11:01 AM Re: **help** feeling violated & lost trust again( Mirroring?)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Sammy

I've only just read this thread. How on earth you had the strength or inclnation to offer support, encouragemnet and advise to me when you have so much going on in your own life is amazing. You are amazing.

I am going to hazard a guess that if you feel anything like me you are well aware of how far you can be pushed before enough is enough. The question is having the strength / courage to leave.

Thinking of you, be brave

Lots of love

Tracy


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