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#57616 - 01/22/04 01:46 AM new here - ? about breakdowns
60sue Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/22/04
Posts: 2
I'm new here. I ended a long term relationship with a survivor several months ago. It has been very difficult because I cared deeply for him and still care for him as a friend.

Yesterday I talked to a friend of mine who also happens to be the boss of my survivor ex-boyfriend. He told me that my ex has really been screwing up at work, and he's thinking about firing him.

Yeah, yeah, I know, as a boss he shouldn't have told me that. He doesn't know about my ex's abuse issues, but he does know that something is wrong. He made some rather directs comments to that effect.

My problem is, hearing that my ex is in such shape that he's in danger of losing his job, I wonder how close he is to a severe breakdown, or suicide.

Of course, I don't know the answers to this question because I haven't spoken to him for some time. I have been an emotional wreck since hearing that he's having problems at work.

This news really concerns me. All of his life, this guy has been successful. He held it together for 40 years, and has accomplished some amazing things professionally. This strikes me as a sign that he is about to lose it completely.

Am I overreacting out of ignorance? Does anybody have any insight to share on the subject of breakdowns?


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#57617 - 01/22/04 03:10 AM Re: new here - ? about breakdowns
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
No, you are not overreacting to your ex's situation. He will almost certainly have a breakdown if he is fired. He would not be the first male survivor to lose a job/have a hard time keeping a job because of SA. Your ex's boss probably told you about your ex's problems in the hope that you will talk to him and try to help him pull himself together.

Your ex has a lot on his plate now. He is trying to adjust to the loss of a long-term relationship and deal with SA issues which he has suppressed for forty years. I am not suprised that he's unable to perform his job as well as he has in the past. He is experiencing emotional earthquake. I suggest that you call your ex and talk to him about his work problems and his SA problems. Encourage him to get a therapist to help him deal with these issues. A p-doc should probably be consulted as well. Medication might possibly stabilize him to the extent that his job performance improves.

It is also possible that your ex's boss needs to be informed to the extent that he understands that your ex is suffering an illness. I don't think sick people can be fired. There are such things as short-term and/or long-term disability leave. I'm not an expert on these matters. Your ex would need to know what his employer's/union's policies are. State and federal laws may also be involved.

Your ex needs attention from mental health professionals who have experience dealing with SA of children and adults. The kindest thing you can do for him is to convince him to seek help asap and to tell him about this website. There are lots of resources here, including helps for finding a therapist. Your ex isn't the only man who was ever abused. He has lots of company. Great company, I might add. He will find more compassion and support than he would have ever imagined.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#57618 - 01/22/04 07:36 PM Re: new here - ? about breakdowns
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sue
What a hard decision you face, I don't envy you in that.

But if you're the only one who knows about his abuse, then he's trusted you big time, even though your relationship is over, he's trusted you once.

And the loss of trust is probably the biggest issue facing survivors, so you can see how important it was to him.

Maybe it's time to return that trust ??

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57619 - 01/22/04 08:24 PM Re: new here - ? about breakdowns
60sue Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/22/04
Posts: 2
Mary,

Thanks for your thoughts and words of support.

To my knowlege my ex-boyfriend isn't suffering over the end of our relationship - it was his choice. He has been in therapy for years, but I don't have a feel for how that is progressing. I do know that he hasn't forgiven himself yet.

He is also on meds, has been most of his life from what he told me. I have been concerned in the past over the way he mixed and matched his meds and doages without keeping a doctor updated about it. He does attend SIA meetings, although he's told me that those are frequently unsafe because he is the only male present, and his abuser was his mother.

I don't have the sense that he would respond well to knowing that his boss shared this with me. His privacy is a major sensitive spot for him.

Lloydy,

Thank you for your thoughts and comments also. Yes, I realize he did trust me tremendously when he told me about the abuse.

But I'm not sure what you mean when you say it's time to return the trust. Would you please tell me more?

Thank you,
Sue


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#57620 - 01/23/04 07:33 PM Re: new here - ? about breakdowns
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
60 Sue - good to see that you are still supportive of your ex.

I have just responded to 'Concerned Gal' in this forum if you would like to know a bit more about my recent 'behaviour' - the bit that I don't mention in there is that I was told that my attitude was 'shite' at work by my manager. She thought that this was due to having an 'outsider' brought into the company in a new position above me - reality, I was that screwed up at the time that this person could have had six legs, five heads and talked in a foreign language, I would have barely noticed that he was even there. *this was obviously before my Boss new the reality of my situation (I think She learned a lesson there).

Mary makes the comment, 'That he will almost certainly have a breakdown if he is fired'. I very much believe that - I lost 2 very good jobs through company closures (that's the electronics market for you)and I believe that they were some of the triggers that led to my recent state. I wasn't fired due to my own performance, but could have been recently (see 'shite' above).

Dave / Lloydy - says that 'Maybe it is time to return that trust'. Well I can't speak for someone else, but until he responds (it's the weekend *sorry Dave), I think that he may mean that you can return that trust by speaking to your ex about the situation (that way He keeps ownership of the situation, rather than just jumping in and telling his Boss). If you can manage that, it would need to be face to face rather than by telephone (if it is safe for you to do so), so that he cannot interpret what you are saying differently to how it is meant. *I sometimes get text messages that I can interpret wholly different to what the writer meant and this can throw me.

It appears that His Boss is genuinely concerned. If His Boss did understand the situation, reading between the lines, I think that this may be a caring Boss that would help (as mine did - if He wasn't, I think that your Ex would currently be out of work). Maybe both of you could approach his Boss and explain the situation ( or your Ex alone/ you alone with your boyfriends permission) if that is what your Ex wants! You cannot force the situation.

Sorry if that is a little vague, but I hope it helps. Thanks again for caring about a fellow survivor...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#57621 - 01/23/04 07:54 PM Re: new here - ? about breakdowns
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sue
who knows how he'll respond if you have a word with him ? I wouldn't bet that he does.
So much of the time we can be so confused.

I know that many times when people tried to help me I threw it back in their faces, I have a few ex-friends.

It's a 'rock and a hard place' decision, do you think that there's enough trust and respect left between you ?

I wish I could be more help
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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