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#57600 - 01/21/04 01:21 PM What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
ConcernedGal Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 19
Loc: California
I believe that new survivors need to hear what positive experiences come out of starting therapy. Initiating the process of starting therapy is frightening, especially when the survivor has no clear recollection of the abuses that keep nagging at him.

The negatives are there, we know.
But what are the POSITIVE experiences you have experienced and have helped to make your life better?

_________________________
ConfusedGal

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#57601 - 01/21/04 01:41 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi CG!

You are really hanging in there for your friend - however, as we have all noted, (you included), you cannot MAKE him go to therapy....

Either HE does the research & HE decides to take the risk OR no one else can ever convince him with rational or emotional arguments...

Just hunker down, grieve, and support him - IF he will allow it.

Sorry if this sounds too brutal, but I myself have had to learn this the hard way. AND the more of yourself you invest, the worse it gets later when the real s&^% starts & you are unable to dislodge yourself.

Sorry to be such a Pill...

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57602 - 01/21/04 05:33 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
ConcernedGal Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 19
Loc: California
Good point. He's on his own now.

_________________________
ConfusedGal

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#57603 - 01/21/04 05:48 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I'm so sorry for you... for BOTH of you!

I know how it feels.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57604 - 01/21/04 08:27 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
But it's still a question that needs an answer, and from BOTH points of view - Survivors and their Partners.

What did I gain ?
Immediately I gained some relief from disclosure.
Then very slowly my self esteem crept back, because I started to make decisions that affected me, like picking up the 'phone and asking for therapy, and a week later forcing myself through the door.

From then on I've gained a good life, maybe even a normal one. If I wasn't helping Survivors I might be saving the whales ? I think that the person I am now is pretty much the person I was meant to be.

From the moment I opened my mouth and said "As a kid I was sexually abused" life has got better.

Two things that have been the cornerstone of my recovery.
1. Knowing I'm not alone in all this.
2. Discovering that it wasn't my fault.

Unfortunately it took therapy to discover both of them for me.
"Unfortunately" ?????

No, "fortunately" because that way I know I did it right.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57605 - 01/22/04 10:34 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi, don't have a lot to add, except the maybe less practical question: Where do the positives come from really? The getting of therapy or the seeking of therapy? I think there is a difference.

by the way:

Quote:
I've gained a good life, maybe even a normal one. If I wasn't helping Survivors I might be saving the whales ? I think that the person I am now is pretty much the person I was meant to be.
How can you end that paragraph with a single period and not like 8,000 exclamation points? That's the best thing I've heard all day!

SAR


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#57606 - 01/22/04 11:44 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
LadyTheo Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 32
Loc: ky
I am not only a loved one of a survivor, I am also a survivor-so I thought I'd share my thoughts on how seeking therapy has helped me.

As an adolescent, I was forced into therapy-do to a suicide attempt. The therapy that I recieved then didn't do me much good. The main reason was because I didn't seek it, it was forced upon me.

I really think Sar made a good point by asking if the positives come from getting T or seeking T. For me, it was seeking therapy that was a big turning point. I finally decided to take the risk and ASK for help--it was MY decision and no one elses...this made a big difference.

Now as to the pro's of the actual therapy, there are many. For me, just having someone nuetral to vent to-who won't judge me or be offended by what i have to say, is priceless. As much as we love our significant others, it is sooooo beneficial to be able to talk about what's bothering you without fearing how the other will respond, or without worrying that you may be "burdening" them.
Another plus therapy has for me is that sometimes I need a reality check. And there are times that my therapist is the only one that I can hear it from. No matter how delicately Theo may try to put it, if I don't wanna hear it, I'm just gonna jump all over him-the poor guy, lol.
There are many other perks of therapy, but for now I'm not able to think of any more.
Thanks for posing this question though-I needed to think about what I have gained from therapy...it's been too long since i have.
Take Care,
LadyTheo

_________________________
In order to see the rainbow, you have to endure the storms.

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#57607 - 01/23/04 06:46 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Hello again confused / concerned Gal.

The benefits of therapy in my case are recognisable by everyone that knows of my situation and quite a few that don't.

My downward slide gradually got worse over a period of 34 years until I left work on December the 18th last year (went back on Jan 05 after recovering from a 'virus') because I thought I was going mad. I demanded therapy from the NHS (National Health Service)for which I am now on a waiting list. I managed to contact my Boss to explain what was up in a very garbled fashion - we had face to face contact where I now think I frightened the hell out of her. She arranged a series of therapy sessions with a local provider.

The combined result of therapy and finding this site, for me is this (I have only had four therapy sessions to date):

1/ I am still on this planet (physically and have also returned to it mentally).
2/ The first 2 sessions I just managed to get a load of the crap out of my head - this left me exhausted & all I wanted to do was sleep whilst my mind regenerated itself. I also started to feel waves of immense calmness (can't remmber when I felt that prior to those sessions).
3/ On the third session I took in a letter that I had written to my inner child forgiving him (the abused 12 year old that I had blamed for getting me into all of this pain)- this was in the form of a 4 page letter. I no longer blame him and finally managed to start directing the anger to where it really belonged.
4/ On the fourth session I took in a five page letter that I had written to my abuser (I involved mini-me in the letter so that he didn't feel left out - I intend to keep him with me at all times now & help him to grow up, but not too much). What surprised me was that writing a letter to 'mini-me' was so much harder than writing to my abuser. Why the hell was I beating myself up when in reality it was that bastard that really deserved. *See that anger developing - well that also releases some of the pain.
5/ It's allowed me to fit together some of the pieces of the jigsaw that I thought I had forgotten - I hadn't forgotten at all they were just buried deeper because they caused me the most anguish when I allowed them to emerge (or rather they escaped of their own accord).
6/ Monday of this week - I realised that the 'screaming demon' tattoo that I have on my right arm is very similar to the one on the 'Screaming for Vengeance' album cover by Judas Priest (was I trying to tell myself something when I got that tattoo). I have now added an additional tattoo below this - it is a Chinese Symbol meaning Vow or Promise. The reason - I vow or promise to myself that my memories are never going to get the better of me again (and I really believe that) - I have that constant mark on my arm to remind myself. Yes I'll have low points but not to the point of total despair that I reached.
6/ I have just been to Prague for 3 days with six friends. Two of these friends new of my predicament, the other 3 did not. *I nearly offered my place to someone else in December because I thought there wasn't a hope in hell of me being able to cope with it. Before I went, I knew that my courage was building, and decided that at the right point the others should know. This point came half way through the first day - we had been out for several pints on the afternoon and had a good time. On the underground going back to the hotel, it was packed, I got claustrophobic (something new to me but I have worked out why ...hut ....door ...between me and the door, no escape). At the hotel I told one of the 2 friends that new of my situation & he helped me to call everyone together (he knows that I have a scale of 1 to 10 of how I'm feeling & just asks...OK? My answer was a five). He then helped me through it by telling everyone that I needed to say something. When I told them, their responses ranged from 'I would never have known', You're very brave to tell us, and that's the best thing', 'My Uncle had something similar happen to him and he will never talk about it'. All positive - they were a bit subdued initially when we went out again on the night, but shortly I was laughing with them. My 'supportive friend' made the comment that it was nice to see me laughing again - do you know what, I was really laughing and did it feel good! *Got to call him my best friend that helped me talk to the others - He said - 'What a difference, you would never have dared to do that 3 months ago'.

Sorry I know I've rambled again... but look at the basics of my story:

December the 18th 2003 - little hope of reaching 2004.
January 23rd 2004 - still got a long way to go but can smile / laughed like a drain on the 21st and 22nd of January / had an absolute mad fit of the giggles on 22nd of January / go out socialising again / I know that my friends are real friends that talk a lot of common sense (nothing I could do would ever repay them for that support - I don't think they could ever appreciate how much it means) / travel to a foreign country / also starting to learn Czech (was hopeless at languages at school) / the house is tidier (but will never be tidy) / don't have to drink every night, now it's just for pleasure / can even look at the personal adds and think that there might even be a 'mad' woman out there that would accept my baggage / I have positive plans.

Downside - the claustrophobia is not particularly nice, but it's only happened a couple of times since December. Sometimes there is still too much going around in my head, but it doesn't last for too long - it usually ends up with another solution popping into my mind.

Why am I on the up: Therapy / Real Friends / Male Survivor.

'And hear end the longest answer ever written to a short question'. I am sure I must have written 'War and Peace', or 'The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner' in a previous life.

Best wishes to everyone again ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#57608 - 01/23/04 08:02 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes ladies, you're absolutely right "we have to WANT to heal" - it's no good dragging us along, we won't do it.

Rick,
You're doing good after just four sessions, hell - you're moving on !
And I've just got to get to Prague, it sounds so good.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57609 - 01/23/04 08:25 PM Re: What positives come out of a new survivor seeking therapy?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Dave - off-topic, but Prague is an excellent place! Have a look at the Easy-Jet website (think it's .co.uk). If you book flights, book your hotel from the same site - go for Hotel Diplomat. Mail me if you want more info.

Cheers ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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