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#57554 - 08/27/05 10:20 AM Not is of survivor issues
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I all over again, am sorry, I do not wish to intrude on a place of friends and members of family here. I understand this place, it - for others, not man's survived. But it - a question from which I ask, I wish opinion concerning women, to help my understanding. It has no issues survived, something another.

When I was younger, I was with the woman within almost four years, and we have the child together. How our daughter two years, she has died, a natural case. Her mother and I, each of us born fault to ourself, and each other, I think, and we break away from each other, both pains with a plenty of that happens, that I think.

As I return to my domestic city, I wish to find my past girlfriend, I wish to speak with her, be capable to apologize her for my behaviour and emotional actions of things which happen. I was younger then, but is still enough old to be mature as the person, and to not behave also the child.

I do not know, that there are any ladies here which have transferred such loss. If you have, please, my big regrets to you, and I do not wish to cause anyone a pain. I would like to understand perception of the woman of it very much. I wish, when I speak with Larissa which it will be something supports, understanding, and still to love, as I still have the big affection to her as the person, always I think, that I shall be. We shall always have our bond. I want to be the best which I can at conversation with her, and be capable to understand so possible as it mentioned her and as she thought of it as it will be possible different from my own reflection as the man.

I understand, - very much I ask it here, and again, I do not wish to hurt to anyone. Please do not share with me if it will harm to you. If you wish to speak more private, please do, I accept private messages here. I only feel, right now, I am so very uncertain of my emotions and abilities, it - something rather important for me, that I do not wish to make a mistake or to make the worse.

I thank you anyone for any help. Again, I regret, whether I impose here.

VN


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#57556 - 08/27/05 06:56 PM Re: Not is of survivor issues
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I thank you, what you respond to me. But it seem I do not speak clearly what is the issue, it seem I make it confusing in what I say, and I regret that. I am posting again right now with my friend to help, as to use 'human translator' is always better then the computer one. Human translates what I am meaning, not only words.

It is not that I am wishing again relationship with this woman. I am thinking right now, such kind of relationship, it is something I am not in position for, in my emotional state. This woman and I, we were together as I was younger, for almost four years, and in that time had a child, who died before she was two years old. That event is what caused us to break off with each other, and each of us, we feel guilt, both of ourselves, and probably of the other also. We did not talk of it, we did not work through the emotion together. We just break off, with bad feelings and heavy hearts.

I am wishing to speak with her to give my apologies for my behavior and childishness. I was young, and stupid, yes, but to be young is not excuse for immature behavior such as this.

What I ask is, of the ladies here, if any have suffered such loss, that of a child, so I can understand better how a woman thinks and feels of such a thing. I know only my own feelings and reaction, and as a man, I am sure they are different. I want to try to be able to understand better, so I can converse with her in a better way, and offer to her the proper support, if she do wish it. But it is not attempt to reunite romantically. That is not my intent or desire right now, although I will always care very much about this woman, we have the special bond together. But it is not relationship I wish, it is 'closure' of things, but in the more appropriate way we can.

I hope it makes more sense to speak it this way. Thank you.

VN


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#57557 - 08/29/05 03:19 AM Re: Not is of survivor issues
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
VN

My heart goes out to you. As a mother I cannot begin to imagine what the loss of a child would feel like. I am sure it is different for fathers but no less devastating. I hope you are not trying to minimize or deprive yourself of your own pain, just because you were young and reacted badly.

My advice is based on other situations involving forgiveness. Generally I would say, before you apologize, be prepared to know what you are apologizing for-- as in, ask her what hurts she has, and listen with an open heart-- don't just anticipate the things she might be feeling.

Listen, and let her know that this apology is about her, a chance to take the weight of these injuries off of her shoulders, not about you expecting her to take your burden away. I am not saying that you would do this, just that so many people apologize for selfish reasons (to get rid of their own shame) rather than to help the hurt person move on.

If she is in a position to share with you openly and really accept your desire to support and understand, maybe she will also be in a position to extend the same type of apology/sharing experience with you.

You are a courageous person to want to fix things with this woman. Good luck.

SAR

edited to add-- VN, this forum is not restricted to women or partners of male survivors. It is an open forum for male survivors and their families and friends to discuss survivor issues and relationships with survivors of sexual abuse. Your questions are totally appropriate and welcome in this forum.

There is a private forum for Friends and Family on the Members Side. \:\)


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#57558 - 08/30/05 11:50 AM Re: Not is of survivor issues
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I thank both of you for advice. I am afraid of it, the some people because I know how we have gone away, we had anger with another. But any of us, there was not any reason that happened, there was no mistake of anyone. It only was so a lot of grief of it, we accuse each other it.

I do not wish to make attempt of it with expectation of that - what gives to me. I wish be capable to allow her to speak myself with me, and also, well, in general, to make it, to allow us to speak probably about it without youth and pains which we had five years ago. It - not without egoism. I would like to be forgiven for my actions and unfriendliness to her. But it - not that is important. That is important for me, should ' make it by the right '. I hope so.

Thanks, again.

VN


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#57559 - 08/30/05 08:00 PM Re: Not is of survivor issues
bdr Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/29/05
Posts: 12
Loc: UK
VN

my own advice,if you find her,is to send her a letter first-saying what you have said above and leaving it up to her if she wants to get in touch with you-that way she has control over the situation also

good luck

bdr


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