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#57376 - 01/11/04 07:56 PM Re: Helping a boyfriend cope with sexual abuse.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Lu - you sound like the type of woman that a few more of us could do with finding. Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you.

I don't have a partner and it's sometime since I've risked trying to find one. I was abused by someone outside of the family when I was 12 years old and for 32 years kept it to myself (sorry for repeating if you've read this elsewhere on the site)before blurting it out to 3 of my friends when I was drunk. Let your boyfriend know that when this happened they were supportive & I was OK for a while. Recently my head just about burst - the abuse was going around my head like an annoying record on continuous play. I started therapy - I just about forced the Doctor's receptionist to give me an appointment because it was that bad. I was having conversations with 12 year old me and current me in my head whilst at work.

See the current version of myself has always subconsciously blamed the 12 year old me.

The main relationships I've had went wrong because:
1/ She saw me as a money bank for sometime whilst she was on a low wage - got a new job and bought everything in town for herself. Zilch for me and I continued with my previous levels of funding. *It took friends to point out that I was being used & they were right.
2/ Told me she loved me & we had a great time until she started dating her brothers best friend behind my back (she allegedly couldn't stand him). The person she hated had been working abroad tax free for some time & bought his own newsagents for cash - this ensured her sudden love for him & they got married.
3/ Wasn't meeting this girlfriend on a given night, but one of my friends called and asked me to go out for a drink. Went into a local pub/bar and she was sat with her tongue down her ex boyfriends throat.

That's just 3 of them! If you wonder what I'm rambling on about, it's the fact that some of us have serious trust issues. If we ever do find someone like yourself, then we can just sit back and wait for it all to go wrong again!

Coming back to your boyfriend, please get him to come and read some of the postings on this sight. There are many good and supportive people here. I've just been coming here for over a week now and what a difference it is making. I have good days and bad days but at least they aren't all bad now.

It appears that both of your boyfriends parents are still alive, but they don't much sound like parents. He will be grieving for the relationship that he believes he was entitled to. Every boy wants to be able to look up to his dad! Real mothers also protect their sons.

I think that your boyfriends brother was probably abused too (reading through the lines, although I am not an expert). Maybe he is keeping his distance because he feels guilty for not being able to protect his little brother.

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#57377 - 01/11/04 08:13 PM Re: Helping a boyfriend cope with sexual abuse.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
LU - sorry I rambled on that much there that I posted my reply instead of previewing it.

Just to summarise - I find it very difficult to trust anyone as I have been let down by my abuser (older male) and the women that I brought into my life. How I have so many friends sometimes defies me - but I never let anyone too close now?

Your boyfriend may only be able to tell you what happens when he is ready - that may be never. If he doesn't let you know, that is not an insult to either yourself or your relationship - it's just the way he deals with it. We all deal with things in our own way.

Tonight, before I logged on to the site I wrote a 4 page conversation between myself now (46) and myself as I was at the time of abuse (12). I've always blamed the 12 year old me for allowing things to happen although I had no reference points to prevent it. I ended up apologising to the 12 year old because when I think about it he had very good coping skills. Your boyfriend may wish to do a similar thing - a letter to his father might be a good idea. The letter does not have to be seen by anyone other than your boyfriend but it sure helps writing it down. I am having only my third therapy session in the morning, but I will use this letter as one of the main discussion points.

Remember it took me 34 years to start dealing with my issues - this site has given me so much back in just over one week.

LU - I wish you and your boyfriend the best that anyone can have...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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