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#57303 - 08/07/05 12:01 AM **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
this is going to contain some graphic triggering questions about sexual relations with my partner & my frustration****

When I/ WE re joined our "relationship" we discussed and agreed that when he was "done" with school he would take a short break and then begin marriage counseling to heal our relationship.

We have not yet even begun to even attempt this much past scratching the surface of his being convicted S.O. about the 20 yr Old and the drinking.

I chose not to be pushy or expect any direct therapy to heal the relationship in any "short time span" due to the fact that he was very over whelmed in his schooling for his job and also in the accelerated BA electronic program. Also when he came to me to ask my opinion about whether he should go back to school & wanted my "permission" (i thot that was a lot of undue pressure on me , how could "I" tell him what to choose or do? and as gently as possible told him so)At that time he "informed" me that "HE" would NOT have much time to give or devote to me.

I knew he would become tired and cranky etc. I also knew NOT to expect a lot of attention to my "needs" beyond Immediate roof over head & any medical attention & attempt to accomplish "fitting in" the grocery shopping.

I thought I would be fairly ok with this knowing that he would not be able to provide any "real" emotional support, but felt that I would manage taking care of my needs fine, with the FULL expectation as we had agreed that we would definetly go thru marriage counseling
AFTER his short break after his graduation.

What I have found tho in these past several weeks is that not only is there no "sexual intimacy or intimacy at all" ( i knew this would happen as I felt he "honestly" would be too tired. I feel I must add in the past history when he was actively using his porn addiction & prostitutes his "excuse" to not have sex with me was "he was too tired". He admitted this was his "cover up story" to hide the acting out.

Now that he is only a few weeks from graduationn his "focus" has become "changing jobs" & making sure that they involve a lot of travel. Even though in the beginning when we "rejoined" he knew my health is quickly depleteing and Drs have not given me much of a long time to live (altho i totally am working to prove that wrong) -

I have approached him as gently as possible on less than a handfull of occassions about keeping his promise to NOT jump directly into the intense search for a new job, especially one that will involve a lot of travel away from home. During those attempts to discuss the "original agreement" he became extremely angry and defensive. Raising his voice and not willing to listen to my concerns that he keeps lowering the "importance" of marriage counseling and that agreement. Not to mention the agreement for the job requirements.

I feel it is unfair of him to even consider traveling for up to 6 wks or more to even other country's leaving our youngest daugh who is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy & attempting to start her own family to basically be "my main care taker". I also feel that he is breaking his promise to make marriage counseling a priority so that what ever time I do have left is not with a lot of unresolved issues.

The 2 or 3 X's we have been able to successfully have sexual contact have ended very badly. About 2 weeks ago he revealed to me that "he does not care if we ever have sex again". This crushed me, not only have I been very concientious about what "battles" to pick or discussions to talk to him about, even so simple as to WHEN we can get grocery's, but even more careful as to mentioning the amount of "rest or down time" before he "job hunts".

No matter the subject material he is very angry in his responses, and I really keep my voice tone low, no threats or bargaining or antagonizing etc. I understand he is under a tremedous amount of stress, and in one small conversation he pretty much bluntly stated I "had become a burden" keeping him from ALL he wanted.

When I asked what he could list that I have prevented him from having so I could either assist him in achieving it, or get it for him his response was an example of some "pill" to help him lose weight. He was angry at me because my medications cost so much (even tho' i get most of them thru a free med prgm) & my SSI pays for the other portion & puts the food in the house. He could not list anything else, but yet again I was crushed emotionally.

I already know and feel very responsible for our ruined credit and long ago took steps legally to "protect him" from the financial damage I knew would come upon us. I carry this guilt, and work hard to try not to let this be an issue knowing I do not have any "control" over this. BUT, it still hurts to have him voice this after so many years of "suspecting" what he had not said before.

He has already sent out several applications for jobs that will require a lot of travel and also rather "rushed" responses to either accept or refuse the job. I am "steeling myself" for him to come to me with asking "IF he should take such and such job", as he was specifically asked by a very good job for his application. In fact in just 2 wks "WE" will be traveling for him to go thru a "seminar" for the positon. This place asked FOR him, after accessing his school he is attending now. I am very sure that his work skills, history and GPA will mean more than likely HE will be asked to fill this position. The money will more than likely be almost double his income now.

He has also been very diligent in setting up and accessing and paying for a "home health care" service for me. Basically, so I can "hospice" at home as I originally desired.

I am so hurt, and frightened by so much right now. I am having nightmares , the strangest nightmares of his Arrest and contact with the 20 year old. Bad enough to the extreme that I have dreamed this 20 yr old appears with a "baby" in her arms that he "fathered" during the contact. I am not sleeping well at all, and have a hard time even staying in the bed next to him, IF I even can lay down in the bed with him at night. I have been spending a lot of nights on the couch. Have gone as long as 3 days with NO sleep at all.

I know I need to be sure 1st to take care of myself so that I remain as healthy as possible. He got angry that I had to pay a 20 dollar co pay for a check up, but did not have a problem paying over 200 dollars to have his teeth cleaned.

I am not angry that he is finally realizing it is perfectly ok to spend money on himself to take care of himself. He denied himself for so long even the simplest of items such as underwear, now he does not hesitate to purchase these items. Prior his purchases were impulse items that were very "adolecent" (?) such as drums, cymbols , music equipment in the thousands of dollars. And not just ONE set but several -- now it is computers , we have about 5 - 6 computers.

He also still continues to do "hoarding", picking things from the garbage that "could be rescued" & repaired, but it just piles up & collects everywhere.

He did inviite me to his class re union, but I have since declined telling him I did not feel that they would be able to provide enough handicap accessable areas for me. AND I also thot that this would be best for him to spend time alone with his sisters since I found out they were not taking their significant others.

I really feel hopeless. That what ever is left of this relationship will be forever me walking on eggshells not knowing what if anything will set him off.

When we originally have discussed the marriage counseling we both I felt realistically said that we should at least "try" even if the counseling ended up that we should divorce as long as we ended up in peace and being friends.

All day long & at night when I am around him, I feel as if I am on the edge of tears constantly. Sometimes out of the blue he will come and sit next to me and tell me he loves me, and then say "I dont want a divorce". I have not ever brought that up. Once in an argument shortly after I moved back in he "threatened me" with the unsigned divorce papers. I told him to never do that unless he meant it as I had no problem following thru. It was and is emotional blackmail and I would NOT be a part of that.

I am struggling as to how to make the best decisions to keep myself sane along the way. I am frightened that he is just "keeping me around" until I die so that it removes his guilt about having had sex with the 20 yr old. That basically he could then rationalize in his mind when I die that he did "the right thing" and could move on without any guilt.

I dont feel important or pretty or cared about anymore. I feel as if I am just a burden and he is waiting for me to die. He keeps telling me that he has seen first hand the difference in how a State aid patient gets treated as opposed to one that is Insured and he wants to make sure I am insured. Again I feel it is a way to release his guilt over the incident with the 20 yr old and his yrs of "acting out".

AND, I really dont want to spend what little time I may have left in a sexless marriage. He did say that he is afraid of hurting me, and then after I repeated several times that all of these years he should have enough Proof or Evidence that I would stop him if that were to happen. THen, in the next discussion regarding his not ever wanting sex again, he said it was directly related to his own abuse. However I felt in hearing in his voice that was just a "cover up".

As I borrowed his cell phone recently I found several females phone numbers , including one remaining 20 something that no longer works at where he works now, (he did work on her vehicle & I threw a fit when he was going to drive over 3 hours to "fix" her auto explaining that he was just setting himself up to put him self in a high risk situation already being labled as a S.O.) --

I am unsure if he is attempting to "sabotage" the previous plans, if he is attempting to push me away so that I get angry and leave -- or if I am just taking all of this too personal and internalizing what I dont need to?

on a last note (sorry this was so long) - yesterday after he bit my head off for something small, the phone rang & it was a member of his support group which I have rarely but occassionally asked if he was "interested" in returning to group for some support.

His excuse or reasoning as to "missing group" is the exact same line I get when he fails to follow thru with small needs I request.
1) I forgot
2) I am too tired

He did agree willingly after a long discussion that it was acceptable to take in my ill brother as long as it is only temporary. Which of course it is, and I knew that just cuz my own brother cannot stay in any one place for too long.

sorry about this being so long, I've held it in for a long time, but that has not helped.
Perhaps someone can lead me out of this hole I have dug myself into. I keep feeling like I just make one mistake after another no matter HOW well laid the plans are in the beginning. Even WITH therapy.
I geuss I have been really feeling guilty all over again for not dying from the onset of this stupid heart disease crap... I feel like I have just injured hubby more than anything and he didnt do anything to deserve this. AND then I feel guilty for asking to move back in after I got beat up in the supposedly 'safe" apartment bldng... that hubby let me move back in out of guilt and feeling like he owed me because of the stuff he did before with the acting out...

I think I am just crazy and need to be put down like a frothing dog,
Sammy


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#57304 - 08/07/05 11:00 PM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
one thing that I have found as I've healed, I've changed - dramatically.

I'm a very different person to the one I was 7 or 8 years ago, the main difference is my confidence.
With that comes many things, such as going back to college and learning something new, but it's also altered my relationship with my wife a great deal.

Mostly for the better in my case, but I can easily understand someone going through these dramatic changes and it becoming a negative influence on their existing relationships. And we do see a lot of guys here who struggle to keep relationships going, and in some cases the partner can't cope with the changes either. They married someone, and now he's someone different.

Sex is often someting we cope with rather than a spontaneous and natural act, however much we 'like' sex.
I also think that the healing can often lead us to want 'safer' sex, that's sex on our terms with no questions asked. It's as though we now realise what sex did to us and we aren't going to risk it happening again.
It's not logical I know, but there are some very deep rooted beliefs in our heads surrounding sex, especially the instigation of sex.
If I instigate sex then I can feel like like a perp, I worry about being pushy, is it the right time and all that kind of stuff.
And of course, if my wife starts to get amorous with me I can very often feel triggered, and both of these inevitably lead to failure. In the end abstinence seems the safest bet.

We were handed a crock of shit by our abusers, and although therapy, and all the understanding that our partners can find, does help; it also seems to accentuate these feelings we get when sex starts.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57305 - 08/10/05 10:09 PM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Dave & Guize,
I re read my post and realized that it is not so much the NOT having sex that I have been missing or am not willing to give up. BUT it is the "Intimacy" of our relationship. TWO entirely different subjects, yet connected still.

Yes Dave I knew also that as Hubby progressed and I progressed and our relationship progressed MUCH would change. I still have a lot of fear of those changes, I truly believe I am afraid of being confronted on "my fuck ups" in the past. Of course the very real potential of "abandonment" = divorce for me creates fear also for me.

Quote:
Sex is often someting we cope with rather than a spontaneous and natural act, however much we 'like' sex.
I also think that the healing can often lead us to want 'safer' sex, that's sex on our terms with no questions asked. It's as though we now realise what sex did to us and we aren't going to risk it happening again.
It's not logical I know, but there are some very deep rooted beliefs in our heads surrounding sex, especially the instigation of sex.
If I instigate sex then I can feel like like a perp, I worry about being pushy, is it the right time and all that kind of stuff.
And of course, if my wife starts to get amorous with me I can very often feel triggered, and both of these inevitably lead to failure. In the end abstinence seems the safest bet
Yep, and I too go thru those exact same damn screwed up thought processes from my own SA - I just have gotten to point where I cope a little better than Hubby at this time. Hubby HAS said to me the EXACT things you said - if he initiates HE feels like the abuser & if I initiate he either feels "obligated" (due to not having any sex drive) , or fears the side effect that it triggers his sex addiction and also he sometimes feels as if HE is the abuser also.

I dont know where or if there is ever a happy medium - or even a medium for those of us who are survivors. I DO KNOW I am not willing to "give up" trying to heal, myself & my part of "US".

He did go back to his "group" & we talked afterward, I just straight up told him -- yet AGAIN (sometimes it feels old but it just IS something we both MUST do for each other) as long as he TALKS to me and I know WHAT he is dealing with & feeling I dont feel like I am being "left out", or less important. I reassure him EVERY time he shares or just hugs me or tells me he loves me & cares HOW much that means to me. That it makes all the bad shit we have to deal with so much easier to get through. AND I make sure I tell him often HOW proud I am of him, and HOW much I appreciate his strength and support and his Love and just the fact that he gets up every damn day and TRIES.

It may seem like some "empty" mantra to some, but I make sure I have eye contact and say it with the true conviction in my voice so he knows I am meaning what I say.

He went to group, met some "new" guys & apparently a couple of them stood up & gave their 1st step. (its a 12 step prgm, but NO ONE is forced in doing the step work) -- he said the "Perp" was there & after one young guy gave his 1st step & shared his own childhood SA this EFFIN Perp had the Cahonas to tell this kid "you MUST FORGIVE YOUR PERPS".... Hubby said it was all he could do NOT to jump up and pound the fuck out of that guy.

We still cant undertand HOW ANYONE could allow him in a sex addicts group being a perp, when his "sex addiction" is more about being a fucking Pedophile --- I think and Ken Singer can jump in here please ... once he crossed the line with his sex addiction to being a Pedophile it STOPPED being about a sex addiction and BECAME a Pedophile problem. TWO separate issues.

Are we wrong in our thinking? I know in reality that Pedophiles CAN also have a sex addiction and those addictions could/ can be the catalyst to Perping -- but this asshole STILL thinks and SAYS he CANT Control his "sex addiction to perping his kids". His kids are supposedly adults now -- but what the FUCK? I am glad I dont know WHO this fucker is because I am not so sure "I" could keep from making sure he did not see sunlight the next day..... eeerrrgghhhh!!!!!

It pisses me off cuz it really is hard for my Hubby to attend the ONE and ONLY freaking group for Sex Addiction knowing this bastard is a HUGE road block in his healing, .... He has said he would be more active in group but he just cant get past this asshole having ANY info personal about Hubby, he is afraid the fucker will "fantasize" about him etc....

WEll, there I went off on a whole differnt tangent again...

I just hope that Hubby continues to try and heal and we survive the bumps, scrapes and freaking mountains, rivers and whirling dirvishes!!

Peace and Thanks, Sammy


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#57306 - 08/10/05 10:40 PM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy, I've had those nightmares too, they are not usually about the aftermath but some where I catch him doing something terrible (not always something he really did).

I know that one source of tension in my relationship is that for me, feeling safe and stable is about internal factors and for my boyfriend about external factors-- even if we are in the middle of dealing with big changes like moving or illness/death in the family, it is easy for me to get relatively stable as long as things are running smoothly on an emotional level-- and I "fall back" on, and am more sensitive to changes in the emotional stuff, when the big external changes are happening.

For my boyfriend it's the opposite, he gets more flustered and spends a lot more energy getting though the day when changes are happening around us, and when things get tough emotionally he looks to the familiar, stable pieces of his external life to calm him down.

Maybe there is some of this going on with you and your husband? The two of you are very stressed but looking for stability and sense in different places?... and as a result, "taking" from or neglecting aspects of life that are important to the other?

IMO whether or not you are "personalizing" the other stuff (numbers in the phone, sex life, counseling) is not the issue. This is your personal marriage, right? How are you supposed to NOT take it personally? I would be upset about those numbers too.

Sammy. You are not a burden. You're talking about a guy who can't be bothered to do any number of little things because he's too tired or forgot or didn't feel like it. If he didn't want you there and didn't want to take care of you, do you honestly think he would? (yeah I know it is not great romance)

Let us know how it's going,
be well,
SAR

(edited b/c I hit the button too soon)


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#57307 - 08/10/05 11:04 PM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
I share your anger about allowing an admitted pedophile into your hubby's group, and for two reasons.

Firstly he should only ever been allowed to join with the agreement of the existing members, who should have had his background explained.

But more importantly, because he is there then his offences will undoubtedly throw a shadow over the whole group. How are the other guys supposed to react to him? Forgiveness is something very personal and way down the healing line for most of us, so I can't imagine thinking clearly and exposing my innermost feelings to a group that contained a person whose actions were the same as the bastards that made me need a group in the first place.
And as for him asking "you MUST FORGIVE YOUR PERPS" - well, your hubby has more self control than me and the rest of the guys in our group.

Where I work I have dealt and briefly supported ( but NOT counselled ) a survivor who was found guilty of having child porn on his PC.
That was hard for me to do, but this guy had NO influence on my healing process so I could detach myself from his actions. That was a professional decision that I made to talk with him about HIS issues
I dealt with him as a survivor and shared my experience of the healing process with him for his benefit, and the decision I made was taken beforehand and with thought.

I chose to help him, but also chose to take nothing in return. He had nothing to offer me anyway.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57308 - 08/11/05 02:38 AM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Sammy,

I thank you for your posts here, and have read them but not replied previously as I couldnít think of anything meaningful to say.

I do have two points Iíd like to reply to. Firstly, I share you anger and rage (and can only imagine) what your husband must be feeling to have this perp in a group that is meant to be about a place of sharing and recovery for him. I donít have a solution (obviously) but you have my care and thoughts with you both.

Secondly, I thank you for being a supporting wife, for wanting to help your abused husband. My wife also tries to support me as best she can, but sheís not at the point of being involved in something like MS like you are. Itís a great thing youíre doing and I know that it can only be doing good for your husband, yourself, and your marriage.

Itís tough going lotís of the time, but I know the comfort and solace that is achieved by having a supporting partner. If I can be so presumptuous, thankyou from all survivors here. May we all have people who care about our recovery as much as you do for your beloved.

Bless you.

Bruce


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#57309 - 08/12/05 12:26 AM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
first this will prolly be long cuz I have so much to respond to so be a bit prepared ok?

Sar - you did a really good job of describing how the differences in your partners & you deal with your every day life stuff. I think your explanation pretty much "mirrors", how Hubby & I handle our stressors also. Altho my Hubby tends to "internalize" more than I do at this point, as most every one knows. He internalizes for a long/er period until he gets the wording or HOW he is feeling concrete for himself. I do know also for my own hubby he also still is very careful about HOW and WHEN he releases any info.
I do know that one of the things I really admire about Hubby is that he is very strong in handling emergency urgent situations. I dont know how much is due to the "specifics" of his abuse and or how much is due to his "military" training to remain calm & cool. Obviously his abuse of living so long with the secret gave him a "head start" above the other military guys for instance in handling the "Pressure" of certain aspects of his military job. So, perhaps if there is anyway to put a positive to suriving the abuse, this is one positive to come out of that abuse. He truly saved my life by being able to remain calm one time when my femoral artery burst and I was bleeding to death right in front of him. He was as cool as cucumber, more calm than even the EMT's as he saved my life. BUT, then again he had also saved a friends life from bleeding to death when they were being unruly teens, & also did so while active duty a few times. So his "defrag" or meltdowns from those experiences I've never seen.
I am not surprised now as I look back to understand WHY he developed the sex addiction - it became a way for him to release so much tension. Even tho it was not "healthy" I understand it. I know tho and it breaks my heart that he cant forgive himself completely yet for the "acting out" that he did.
Quote:
If he didn't want you there and didn't want to take care of you, do you honestly think he would? (yeah I know it is not great romance)
Sar THANK YOU for giving me a great point to focus on. You're right he would have made a different choice if he truly didnt want me to be a part of his life. In fact a little act he did that again popped up in his behavior I noticed as a "change for good", is that he ASKED me FIRST if a female from school could ride along with us to this job seminar. Of course I asked HOW OLD she was first, and then said yes. I am not sure HOW or WHAT answer I would have given if she had been in her 20's - which is really kinda crap on my part as even 20 somethings need others around to travel long distances safely. I know that is OUR issues still, but I first tried to beat myself up for not being a "good female" supporter of "other females". That's bull on my part, I know I am entitled to still have a pissy attitude some, but need to take into account HE ASKED and ANSEWERED my questions first. So - I thot that was a big change in the positive for him, as prior he would have just "told me" what was happening maybe a day ahead of time. so YAY! for BOTH of us!
AS far as "romance goes" - I may be off the "norm here" but the most sexually romantic enticing thing Hubby & I do is "work on engines or rehab the house" together. Is that silly or what? LOL \:\) naww its just that we are spending time together doing what we BOTH like to do - I dont need candles & nice dinner... give me a 351 cleveland with a head change & good shower, or hanging drywall , mud & tape and I am ready to hop in and be miss beauty queen for sex??? :p

Dave - cuz the "group" is a "sex addicts" group that is WHY the asshole is allowed in WITHOUT a group consensus, this is my understanding as to what was explained to Hubby when he ASKED about why the bastard was even allowed in.
about the "child porn" on the puter - I know when I found all the porn on Hubbys puter, some of those porn sites flipped automatically into child porn shit... It totally freaked me OUT! and as Hubby & talked about it, he said when a "site" flipped that shit on he himself would "freak" and shut down the puter. Some of the child porn shit was "attached" to adult porn sites -- I dont know what the guy you "counseled" his deal with the child porn, but that was Hubby's scarey deal with it. Hubby strictly was into the ADULT porn, & even when I found the "Gay" sites I asked him if he struggled with his sexuality (knowing this was not uncommon) he more than vehemently denied the sexuality struggle. I could tell in his voice he wasnt Bullsh*tting me - tho he did reassure me he does NOT have a problem with same sex relationships - we both have plenty of friends who are in same sex relationships, even family so I was glad to hear he wasn't "hiding" some predjudice about that. I also re assured him that even IF he struggled I more than understood that part too -- heck I struggle my own self at times with same sex fantasies knowing it comes from my own SA, I am MORE relaxed about myself now from reading this site and learning it is common. Shared that info with Hubby & he is ok & understands my points also.
I have talked with Hubby & asked if somehow he could find a way to "look past" or ingore the Pedophile in anyway in group so that the Pedophile would not stop him from getting his personal needs met. He just was very honest and said he is still struggling with that part and does his best to attend. I know I cant force him and would never make it a make or break deal about group attendance for him unless he started acting out again, and then it would be approached as 1) pointing out the acting out 2) strongly suggesting therapy or group -- I know I myself would not put up with any acting out from him again. I do expect that some day he may fall off the sobriety wagon again - but as long as he takes steps to get back on the sober wagon again I'll survive and hopefully be supportive for him to be able to do so also.
I think I will mention to Hubby how you so nicely put, to not to "expect to take anything from the Pedophile" from group. It might help him get past the road block he is allowing this guy to be in his own healing process. Perhaps it will help him put himself more important on his healing steps again? THank you for those words.

Bruce - your words touched my heart so deeply I just had to tell you THANK YOU so much. I get all teary eyed, and when I read the postings to Hubby, he gave me such a BIG SQUEEZING HUG!! I know that a lot of the time Hubby just cant find the words or get them out to say THank you to me if he feels it.... BUT that SQUEEZE sure as hell meant a lot, and YOUR words surely must have been what he has tried to say so many times --- so Just a HUGE THANK YOU, from me and from ALL the partners who need to hear words of encouragement that we are appreciated and loved even when our partners cant always get those words out...

Peace For Us ALL,
Sammy


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#57310 - 08/13/05 12:57 AM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
I know from experince that some very dubious porn sites 'appear' without asking when we're out there surfing through our chosen vices, and I firmly believe that porn users are very specific in their individual tastes, I never look at porn that isn't in my very small area of fantasy because it doesn't interest me and most of it disgusts me.

Taking nothing from the offender is a way through this issue for hubby, and if he can give something to him then all the better. It helps to place us 'above' them in some way. It might not be PC, but hey, who cares? If I want to feel superior to a perp then I will!
The guy I dealt with could not look me in the eye and tell me about the child porn, but about his abuse he could, and did.
But he did express the sentiment that the children he looked at were going through the same dreadful experience he and I went through, and I have to say I believed that that simple fact did shock him, but it was a fact he'd only learned after he got caught and was in therapy.
"Too little, too late ?" it probably was, but it's still no excuse.

We talked for a long while, but I had made a decision that it was going to be a purely one way conversation, I would do whatever I could to assist his healing, but I kept my side of it strictly impersonal so that he didn't get a chance to 'preach' to me.
That's obviously going to be more difficult in a group therapy situation, but if hubby tries to freeze out everything from this guy then he's likely to feel better.
It might not actually succeed, but the feeling of trying it might just make the difference ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57311 - 08/14/05 07:13 AM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Dave,
I've "suggested" trying to freeze out and ignore everything this pedophile says. BUT, I am not the one sitting in the circle and Hubby just has not gotten to that point in his own healing - for whatever reasons ....
I do think some if not quite a bit of it comes from Hubby "needing a reason" - to not attend group as often as he could.
It is very overwhelming I understand , as I have been in my own "group therapy's" -- but it is up to Hubby to choose to either let this bastard prevent him from dealing "down in the dirt" about his sex addiction or not.

Hubby too has a very "specific" type of porn he likes to look at. AND has even paid for those particular sites. The prostitute visits seemed to me, as he explained it. Only after he could no longer "reach a peak" with the Normal choice of porn magazines & porn sites.

Hubby "knows" he is above this pedophile, but is cautious as he does not want any self imposed "smugness" to let down his "guard" causing him to lose his sobriety.

I have to honor what efforts his does make to keep his sobriety at this point. AND honor HOW much and WHY type of healing steps he is taking as only HE knows how much he can handle on his plate right now with work & school --- As long as he is not taking steps to "sabotage" his sobriety I / WE (hubby & I) have to live temporarily with what is working.
I hope that makes sense, but if you by chance read the front page of a little round woman who kicked the shit out of child molester and smiiled doing it -- you'll know it was me having gotten too much info... (please know that was a smart ass tease, I wouldnt waste my energy on the perp he isnt worth it!)
Peace, Sammy
still spinning!


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#57312 - 08/15/05 10:15 PM Re: **contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Sammy! looking forward to reading the papers about that.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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