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#57289 - 08/06/05 09:33 PM a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
I hope I can get this out without too much confusion and am adding the TRIGGER just in case -

This past week has been an emotional & physical hell for me. I now know how hard it has been on my family members when I have gone thru so much cardic bullshit.
My bio bro who was the most severely abused, not just by bio family, but the 58 foster homes & 3 institutions had an emergency CABG (heart bypass). We were notified I think only by grace of Great Creator a DR found little bro phone # in his wallet. He came thru surgery as well as could be expected. Found he had prior major MI (heart attack) & this time a girl he had gone to meet from internet eventually "forced him" into his car & drove him to hosp. He was STILL having major MI even after 2 hrs of pain.
He was stabilized for trip to larger Hosp, still 3 hrs from us. Has been a bunch of bullshit fighting with staff just to get info etc.
Here's what I have come here for questions and hopefully some guidance for.
My brother as he was being abused was not only severely, severely physically abused but also sexually abused by almost every foster home & institution he was placed in. He is now 47 yrs old and only in the past 5 yrs has he been given a "diagnosis" of mildly schizphrenic. I knew he showed "some signs" of the schizphrenia, all past mental health Drs' REFUSED to give him a diagnosis. Of course I know he has PTSD and often has what I consider "body responses" to various situations. Not responses that he plans or thinks out before doing & perhaps related to his brain damage (from abuse), but mostly I think to the particular "abuse" he suffered.
For example, if someone gets too close to his personal body space, or say puts an ear thermometer in his ear, he physically reacts by pounding the living shit out of who ever has not kept their distance etc.
He is NO small man / boy. He is brain damaged, but NOT dumb and has been in the "system" his whole life. Since his surgery was obviously so serious and he lived homeless on the street "surviving" his diabetus has gone "unchecked" or maintained for several years. Of course his healing is going to be a very long process. His EF (ejection fraction or heart strength) is only 25% . He is also a MASTER MANIPULATOR, lies, steals etc. BUT, he must be taken care of physically to help heal at least until he can go out and live how he chooses.
We as siblings do not legally have a right to have him placed in any type of facility to assist his healing. BEsides his whole life "the system" has tried to tell him HOW to live , be etc all the while right in front of him as if he is a piece of furniture discussing his mental capabilities.
He has currently agreed to stay with Hubby & I so that I can assist him to heal his surgical wounds and hopefully get him attached to MY very loving cardic care staff & our TLC so that he will choose to live in assisted housing in our town. I know at anytime he could just up and bolt and had to even get VERY harsh with his Cardiologist to explain this brother would AMA walk out no matter WHAT anyone said or did IF they were NOT careful with him. As siblings we immediately gave ALL of his trigger info to Drs & Staff...
I geuss I am not sure exactly WHAT I am asking of the good people here - or WHAT questions TO ask. but let me try
1) How best should I approach him to clean his surgical wounds ( 2 are draining ugly stuff could be Staph but wont know til I see it)
2) How or SHould I ask to assist him with bathing? * I know he will need this help, but because Hubby is survivor himself & is not medically knowledged to WHAT to look for he is unable to do this for my brother. ALSO, he is state aid pt. which means he probably does NOT qualify for visiting nurses (i know he would let a female wash him & see him naked, but not sure he will let me)

If ANYONE has dealt with a SA survivor who is also Schizophrenic or even something close to what I am facing. Can you give me any suggestions as to how best to help my brother heal until he can be more independant?
Are there some extra special issues I should be aware of ? I do have 12 yrs experience in nursing for folks with mental disabilities, BUT this is my BROTHER. SO he may have and probably WILL have issues with me seeing parts of him naked that I will need to care for.
My other brothers are unable at this time to take care of him , as they do not have the medical knowledge as to what to look for. Plus he recently had a "spat" with them & so is "punishing them" right now. Other wise they could bathe him. He is going to be very weak for several weeks perhaps months and I do NOT want to cause more damage to someone who is very special in my life and also is the one who recieved the WORST of the abuses.

I know this is a lot - & jumbled up, but please anyone who has ANY suggestions please do not hesitate to toss in any ideas or thoughts.

Much Peace and THank you in Advance,
Sammy
it is only this past week I realized not only is my Hubby a survivor of SA but it REALLY sunk in deep that my 6 brothers are ALL SA survivors. It is not just my duty but an HONOR to take care of this brother for me... I just want to love him and take care of him with the Utmost RESPECT and Love that he deserves.


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#57290 - 08/07/05 03:17 AM Re: a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Sammy, is he in the SS or SSI system? Could they not provide a visiting nurse? If not, and you have to do the cleaning your self. The only thing I can think of is to explain it to him and go slow, and talk to him so he knows what is happening.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#57291 - 08/07/05 10:35 PM Re: a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
often we find that blood is thicker than water, we let our family do things that we'd never be easy allowing a stranger to do.

However fractured your family history might be, make it clear that this is a chance to 'become family' again.
He might tell you where to go, but he might just say "what's the alternative?"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57292 - 08/10/05 09:30 PM Re: a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi and Thank You Guize ,

For your responses , I did not want this post to be left "hanging" without letting you know how this has turned out.

LostCowBoy, I did exactly as you suggested as he was not eligible for visiting nurses due to NOT having a "legal residence". So - he did let me bath him and I was very careful in explaining step by step what was needed, how it needed to be done & then made sure to give him CONTROL of WHAT was done. I also made sure, even tho he told me he didnt mind me seeing him naked - I covered his parts and made sure HE was the ONLY one who washed and dried this area.

***CAUTION THIS PART MAY TRIGGER*** It worked very beautifully. It was so frightening for me to see so many years later STILL the results of the AFTER EFFECTS PHYSICALLY of the abuse he suffered. One thing these bastards did to my brother was to "jam things" in his ears to the point that his ear drums busted, PLUS they would hit him so hard against his head & ears his ears would BURST inside. For years as a little boy in foster care system, no ONE that I am aware of took "care" to be cautious caring for his ears. He did have a surgery in an attempt to repair SOME damage when he first went into the "system", but he remained with years and years of uncared for infection in his ears.
I have often "wondered" if this infection has not gone into his brain causing some brain damage. WHen I Offered the box of Q tips to dry his ears, I just about PUKED at the stuff he dragged out. HE DID puke dragging it out, but not because of the sight & smell but because of the "physical effect on his throat muscles".
****END OF TRIGGER/S?****

I did get him in to see my Cardio who I had an early AM appt with so was able to give the Cardio a "heads up" on his mental status & triggers etc. My own appt came out with even MORE EFFIN bad news -- but at least I have private Insur & can take care of me & have & am willing to accept the help I can get.

Brother began having "questionable" cardic symptoms, but since the freaking no load sh*t hosp that released him WAAAAAYYYYY too soon with NO pain meds I was unsure how much was surgical pain. BUT he had early PM appt with my Cardio.
Got him to Appt where they took him straight to ER and now he has been transferred to a Hospital my Older sister is a working RN at. I hope this DENIAL sister will step up & HELP him while there.
Before he was transferred he was beginning to have small Schizoid episodes -- THank Great Creator I have experienced so much cardiac & have very good relationships with Drs on staff here --

They took one look at me, hugged me and made sure he got A PLUS care.... BUT he is now out of my town again,( due to the hosp transfer) my own cardiac health now wont allow for me to "keep him" when he gets discharged so hopefully he will end up in a good place for some long term care???

Dave, I kept hearing from him YOUR words "You're my SISTER, we BOTH already know what we look like and act like so its ok . I know YOU wont hurt me." I know you didnt exactly say "those" words but it was same damn thing.

that makes me cry "now", and I want you to know no matter HOW many fucking miles apart my siblings and I have been (due to the 'system") WE have ALWAYS known where and how to get together & do so very Often as least weekly. And when each of us turned 18 we immediately began reconnecting and staying connected - only our "Older" sister has been having a problem with our past -- we dont normally focus on it , again using A LOT of dark humor if needed. BUT we have been a very tight family -- I know that even IF we didnt share blood these brothers of mine, and their wives I would STILL have them as "chosen family".

Thank you BOTH so much for your responses, they were EXACTLY what I needed to "get thru" and deal with what was happening at the time. I think I just needed "reassured" I was making the best choices at the time.

Peace, Sammy


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#57293 - 08/10/05 10:13 PM Re: a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Oh Gosh! Cannot even begin to imagine what this must feel like - especially after all you have been through personally over the past year or so.

All I can say is: I have watched you grow over this time of struggle and it is incredibly inspiring to "see" you now & remember "where you were" just a year ago.

Thanks for letting us know!


Hugs,

K54

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57294 - 08/10/05 10:43 PM Re: a 2nd survivor in my life & prolly long * caution*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
I remember when you first came to MS, all cussing and filled with rage. That might well have scared some people to hell and back, but underneath it all you ALWAYS cared for others. And not many people would put up with the crap you have either, so the cussing was understandable.

And as the crap gets deeper, you just dig harder and keep on caring.

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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