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#57187 - 01/04/04 10:26 PM farewell
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
to everyone here,
i really don't know what to do anymore. i came to this site many months ago because i was hurting and longing for a place to be understood and to feel safe. i don't feel safe here anymore because of the ongoing hostility regarding the perceived discrepancies in boundary maintainance. for many months this was a place of refuge where i could come and realize that the usual hostilities "out there" would not be found here. here was a place where survivors and there partners could support each other and mutual respect would be the norm. lately it has become a virtual battleground. to my brothers, i know the pain and confusion that brought us here and the need to have our boundaries explicitly honored. i know the confusion of trying to respond to the women who come here seeking answers for their partners who they share their journey with and want to understand. i do know the same sense of unwanted boundary crossing sometimes with some of the issues i have brought up here. only a brother can understand the specific hell of some of the abuse. i have felt violated in the past by many women i have known and as such have developed a distrust in many ways because i could not understand a fundamental difference between those women who violated me and those who came here. the difference is that the women here have bent over backward to respect my needs once they became aware of it. only lady theo has done that for me in my life. this was the only place that i found that i could get a glimpse of what a real woman could be as opposed to the distortion i was beaten with. now though it is not safe for me to come here because that openness and mutual courtesy seems to be lost. i cannot come to a place to feel safe where i see so much of the same pain i grew up with. for me it was sufficient that policies be clearly stated and any confusion cleared up with decency and courtesy. now it seems as though there is a potential flame war every week. i can't take it any more. i will maintain the pm board for those who still wish to contact me and those here i have trusted with my personal e-mail are welcome to stay in touch, but i just cannot remain in a place i once thought was safe. take care everyone. i trust that those who know me here understand that i am not trying to start another war or point fingers or lay guilt, we all have far too much of that. i only want to say farewell and expalin why. i do care a great deal for everyone i have met here and hope and pray that you still find comfort here where i can't anymore.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#57188 - 01/04/04 10:49 PM Re: farewell
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Theo,

I am truly, greatly sorry that my behavior in the last 24 hours is possibly what has made you uncomfortable. Please do not leave, if that is the case. I will most likely leave here, if something is not done to address this. Because when *I* am being accused of becoming a 'perpetrator' simply for expressing my upset and anger, I do not wish to be here no more. This is all, very frankly, bullshit. You are a loved and appreciated man here. Please stay if you can feel safe at all. And again, I am very sorry to you.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#57189 - 01/05/04 05:51 AM Re: farewell
LadyTheo Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 32
Loc: ky
I must say my farewells also. I am truly saddened by recents events, but the sorrow is much deeper in how these events have affected my beloved Theo. I know that he has gained so much from this forum, and it's a shame that it is no longer a place where he can go and feel safe. There are not near enough places for male survivors to go to, and now, for him, there is one less.
I do want to thank everyone who has offered a helping hand to Theo. Your efforts were priceless, and I will be forever gratefull.
And to the male survivors here, I want to wish you the best of luck in your journey. I have wept with you all in your times of struggle, and pray that one day you will truly live happy lives. You all deserve it \:\)
Thanks again for the help that everyone has provided to Theo, and please, take care of yourselves.
Take Care,
LadyTheo

_________________________
In order to see the rainbow, you have to endure the storms.

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#57190 - 01/05/04 07:58 AM Re: farewell
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sigh.

This is EXACTLY what I have been afraid of...

I am SO sorry if I contributed in any way to this fiasco.

Nevertheless, I truly believe that a false sense of security can be damaging & I am grimly satisfied that everyone here needs to make their own decision about the level of safety & support.

The whole incident has opened my eyes to some very difficult soul-searching that must be done by every partner:

Let us truly be honest with ourselves about WHY we are in a relationship with our Survivor - if we cannot feel the kind of deep love & respect shown by the example of Theo & Lady Theo, then WHY are we doing this? If we are "involved" with our Survivor because we want to project our own healing issues on to someone else, let us STOP this! We are NOT therapists. We CANNOT force someone to heal OR to satisfy, gratify our our needs, desires, demands - this kind of expectation IS re-victimizing & it is time we owned up to it.

Ladies - we have other places where we can "meet" online. Let's keep our virtual "hands to ourselves" at this forum & let our Survivor Family & Friends have some privacy among themselves.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57191 - 01/05/04 09:48 AM Re: farewell
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
boy, i have really missed something. i hate to see anyone leave here hurting. i am sorry things have gotten to this point, and hope everyone pulls back and considers why we are here. in a world that almost despises male survivors, this should be a place of understanding and support. even if our views differ, we should always cling to the knowledge that we share this bond. i hope someday things are better, and you find your way home again. Phos

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#57192 - 01/05/04 08:19 PM Re: farewell
Happy Birthday Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I sincerely hope that nobody leaves MS because of the 'topic' of this latest discussion, the presence of women at MS.

I know that ALL of us are here for one reason, the hurt caused by childhood abuse, either as survivors or those who love and care for one.

Please think carefully before making the choice to leave.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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