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#57030 - 01/04/04 03:08 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
roger Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Canada
Message deleted at Roger's request

Lloydy


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#57031 - 01/04/04 03:48 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Everyone - I really appreciate everyone's sharing on the board. There are certain places restricted because of comfortablity and all ready reluctance to share (especially victimizations that cause so many negative feelings for guys).

We are all here for the same reasons - to get help, give help, give support! It is easier to accomplish this as outlined on the site.

Thanks for everyone's contributions,understanding and sensativities!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#57032 - 01/04/04 06:34 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This has been the best and most reasoned discussion of this issue we've had so far, previous ones have tended to get a bit explosive.
And all that achieves is sending people into their particular corners and going on the defensive, and the offensive !

I think we have to accept that women can read the Male forums, and if they feel strongly enough about something then a PM to someone isn't out of order.
They take the risk of rebuttal, and I hope that if any man felt they didn't want a woman to PM them then they would at least be polite about that rebuttal.

My personal view is well known, I value everyones views regardless of sex or sexuality. But this is Male Survivor and the reason many guys come here is because of the Male forum, and that has to be respected.
I know that recently the Moderators have made a point of ensuring that more tightly, although a couple of innocuous posts have remained on the forum.

The fact is though that nobody has ever complained ( to me anyway ) about any particular post, the issue has always been a general one of women posting there, which is why I at least have let those few posts stay.

I'm sure that after reading this excellent discussion everyone will understand the boundaries better and we'll be better able to facilitate everones views.

It's a juggling act of trying to please all the people all the time, sometimes it's not that easy.
But we try.

Thanks to everyone for your views, and please carry on if you have anything further to add.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57033 - 01/04/04 07:12 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Yves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
If a man entered a "women only" chat room on abuse and it was made known there was even one person made uncomfortable by his presence, he should have enough respect for the participants to leave.

Ladies, if you care as much as you say you do, please leave the few places we have, to us.

~Yves

_________________________
You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

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#57034 - 01/04/04 07:12 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks to everyone who has responded to my original question & all that's ensued from it. I think, for me, the issue boils down to: this is a wonderful place for me to learn how to support the person I love - especially when I don't understand his pattern of self-protecting behavior, especially when he can't talk about any of this...

My experiences with my friend, coupled with the candor I have encountered here, have convinced me of the absolute necessity to learn to respect the "boundaries" of the survivor - male, female - we all deserve the same compassion.

From what I have learned here, I have come to understand that it is essential that we women partners & family need to develop a new kind of tolerance and dispassionateness (is that a word?)when interacting with our menfolk: we cannot treat them with condescension - they will see right through our feeble attempts at "playing therapist" or "dramatic rescuer." We need to learn how to be friends before all else. So. Would we go through our best friend's mail or read his private journal??? That's just plain unethical! C'mon Ladies! We can do better than that!

Nevertheless. There are certainly times when WE need support from our partners & none is forthcoming. These are the times it is impossible to be steely & resolved & strong. And sometimes our partners become less than helpful - much less than helpful - & cause us even more pain. So, if our posts appear to be "complaining" to the men in the forum, please understand that this kind of "discussion" & entreaty for support is just a normal part of womanish culture: isn't it better for us to voice our frustration here in this forum than take it out on our partner???

I think, for myself, I am just going to avoid the male survivor forum completely. However, I would greatly appreciate input from the men in the forum about specific issues concerning partner relationships. I have found that the best way for me to do this is to simply post an open-ended question on the Family & Friends board & this is what I will be doing from time to time.

So, for all you guys out there - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not avoid the Family & Friends forum!!! I would feel terribly impoverished if it was not for your comments & insights.

Thanks again to everyone!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57035 - 01/04/04 07:24 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Yves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Nevertheless. There are certainly times when WE need support from our partners & none is forthcoming. These are the times it is impossible to be steely & resolved & strong. And sometimes our partners become less than helpful - much less than helpful - & cause us even more pain. So, if our posts appear to be "complaining" to the men in the forum, please understand that this kind of "discussion" & entreaty for support is just a normal part of womanish culture : isn't it better for us to voice our frustration here in this forum than take it out on our partner???
>>> What does this have to do with us <<<

_________________________
You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

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#57037 - 01/04/04 08:19 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Edited, original post deleted.

Is this better? For my opinion to be shut up again?

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#57039 - 01/04/04 09:18 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I don't understand my asking for clarification of something I don't know, not singling out of specific person, how that is 'attack' of you. I felt that both myself and Brian, in those posts, were quite civil.

I understand that my opinion of last night's events in chat are based on 'second hand' knowledge, as I was not in there, and do not go in there. However, as I stated before, I am quite protective of my young friend that *I* advised to come here. And he was very upset and distressed by what occurred. He is not at all talking of any of this in 'real life', other then telling me very little. So this was something I felt could be safe for him, as it was for me, to get started talking more of it, and realizing that it is all right. I stressed to him that this is a safe place. Now he is very scared and uncomfortable to come here. I think that the person who is responsible for that situation getting to that point probably does feel defensive of it. But again, my main concern is that this very hurt and scared boy has now been frightened away of this site, that could be greatly helpful to him.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#57040 - 01/04/04 10:47 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Quote:
Condoning that behavior may be what leads a surviver to become a perpetrator.
An unbelievable leap! I would caution everyone to ignore this kind of rhetoric. Sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment.

But as my dear wife would say, "if you see crazy coming, cross the street."

Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#57041 - 01/04/04 11:18 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
OK, Everyone - this has gone quite far enough. It does not appear, to me, that anyone was being individually sniped at & I have no idea how this spiraled so far out of control, but the ferocity has to end! We all occasionally lapse into self-defeating behaviors, but this is way over the top.

Let's close the silly topic already & get on with our healing?????

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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