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#57009 - 12/28/03 10:56 PM Discussion Board Boundaries
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi Y'all!

I am hoping to get some clarification here: Is it NOT ok for me to read the posts in the Male Survivors messages? Is it NOT ok for me to respond to them?

Some of the comments are absolutely heart-rending & I feel so saddened by them, but I am also greatly, vastly encouraged by the wisdom & determination & openness.

I am learning so much about (1) how to support my friend & what he must be going through (2) how to give him space & not impose myself upon him (3) that all of us, male & female survivors, have very similar ways of reacting to the abuse.

So - any thoughts or guidelines would be appreciated.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57010 - 12/29/03 09:41 AM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Kolisha54,

There was a lot of discussion of this a while back. The original thread was deleted, but reposted as a cut and paste quote in a new thread somewhere.

The gist of it is, I believe, the majority of the guys who post here would prefer that forum be reserved exclusively for male survivors.

I would suggest that you send a PM to someone to see if they're willing to correspond with you about a topic, or start a thread out here that relates to how actions of a survivor in your life affect you.

When I stop and think about it I realize how difficult it is to strike a balance between the differing views on how best to run the site. I am not one who prefers keeping that forum exclusive, but it certainly does me less "harm" this way than it might do some other guys who consider that forum "their space." Overall I think the folks running this place are doing a great job with a delicate subject and some very sensitive clients, i.e., people like me.

I'm a member, nothing more, so this counts for as much as you let it. It's only my opinion. I hope the forums that are here are helpful to all the people who use them. I know I get a lot of help from threads in this forum sometimes, even ones I don't join. I guess if you read something over in the Male Survivor forum that stirs up things in you, you should be able to post about your own feelings, etc. here. I'd be careful about keeping the focus off the person who posted what I read, though. You who support us need support, and I personally don't know anywhere else on the web for you to turn. I'm glad, no I'm proud that this forum is here for you.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year!

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#57011 - 12/29/03 01:56 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kolisha
Joe's just about summed it up, we 'recommend' that women refrain from posting there.
The split in favour and not in favour is abot 50-50 as far as I can tell, so we try to keep it to a minimum.
But if a reply was very appropriate then I hope common sense would prevail.

The other option is to start a new topic in the Fam' & Fri'forum about the same subject.
Or ask whoever's post has interested you if you could restart it in Fam'& Fri'.

It's a bit frustrating for you I know, but this subject is the cause of regular 'discussion' here, and keeping the peace is something we like to do.

But keep posting, and please don't think we're ungrateful for all the help and support we gain from all the partners here - we are.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57012 - 12/29/03 02:21 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Dave,

Quote:
we 'recommend' that women refrain from posting there.
What it actually says as an intro to the discussiion forum:

Quote:
We ask that only male survivors post here. This forum is for the discussion of recovery issues. Please use the Off-Topic forum for general discussions.
There is nothing ambiguous about ONLY MALE SURVIVORS. I don't see the word recommend.
I think Joe's advise makes a lot of sense.

Quote:
the majority of the guys who post here would prefer that forum be reserved exclusively for male survivors.
I would suggest that you send a PM to someone to see if they're willing to correspond with you about a topic, or start a thread out here that relates to how actions of a survivor in your life affect you.
Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#57013 - 12/29/03 03:06 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks for the clarification & the great suggestions!

I'd rather be "frustrated" than think I was making another survivor feel uncomfortable - or worse.

In the future, I am going to limit my reading of posts only to those that concern "partner" or "relationship" types of issues.

I know how important it is for my own friend to feel that he has complete control over the amount of exposure he wants to cede to other people - it's been really difficult for me to understand that my very own emotional "proximity" to him makes me the LAST person he wants to talk to sometimes. Yeah, women really do operate differently, so although you guys would know all this implicitely, it's kinda difficult for us women to absorb the lesson.

Thanks so much for all your advice & your insights!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57014 - 12/29/03 08:25 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
sorry, that should have read "ASK"

dAVE

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57015 - 12/29/03 10:11 PM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
personally, i have found the insight offered by the ladies here to be invaluable. i respect the need of my fellow brothers in restricting the male forum to male posters. this makes perfect sense and should be respected but when flame wars start about this issue too many people are hurt. sensitivity goes both ways. there have been times when i have felt completely alienated by the vehemance of some on this issue and have wanted to leave the forum. for the ladies here who go out of their way to help us we have to keep in mind the respect and dignity they are intitled to while still responding to our own unique needs. overall, i have been quite impressed by the integrity that 99.99% of the participants have shown here over this issue.

ladies, as i have said, your insights have been so very helpful to me. unless i specifically request in my sunject line that no ladies read it then i welcome any one to pm me on the topic. take care, all of you.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#57016 - 12/30/03 01:28 AM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Theo...

I think you walk on water too!

Hugs,

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

– Anne Lamott

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#57017 - 12/30/03 02:43 AM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
ditto for me too Theo. I have no problem with any of my posts being read or receiving PMs from any of the membership. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#57018 - 12/31/03 01:56 AM Re: Discussion Board Boundaries
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I'm not a male survivor or a member but I will put my opinion in because I am a big mouth.

I think it's good that the male survivors forum is for male survivors only. I wouldn't post there if I could, because I'd want men to show me the same respect on a female survivors forum. I read the posts there, but not all of them, and mostly not just the ones that deal not with partner or relationship issues, but the ones that deal with issues that my boyfriend deals with. And if my boyfriend were to post here, I wouldn't read it at all unless he asked me to. And THAT's because I'm here because I'm trying to learn about and deal with the challenge of being the partner of an abuse survivor, which means that when I'm here, he's a priority, and my relationship with him is a priority. And after that comes helping the other incredible people here, who have helped me just with the fact of their existence, by sharing where I think it's relevant and supporting where I can. I guess those are "my" guidelines for reading and posting.

I have PM'd a few of the men here when I've wanted to ask them something or share something with them, and I don't think I've ever been treated without respect and dignity. In fact I've been treated with so much warmth and acceptance that it blows me away. I have no doubt that that will continue to be the case, at least, as theo said, 99+ percent of the time.

I, too, have been struck and touched by how similarly we all react to abuse, but also at how differently men deal with some things. I don't think I ever would have had the opportunity to learn about these differences if there were no Male Survivors forum because I don't think that some of the posts that have taught me the most would have been posted if women posted there too.

happy new year all,
Sar


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