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#56965 - 12/28/03 07:05 AM Help
Salia's Hope Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/03
Posts: 1
Am totally lost with helping someone I care deeply about. He just revealed his molestation of 15 years ago. He's been in a self-destructive mode most of his life. Help. We don't have funds for counseling, yet. I'll work on pulling funds together. Meanwhile, what can we do?

_________________________
Sailia Hope

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#56966 - 12/28/03 11:14 AM Re: Help
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi:
You can look under "Find a therapist" in the headings on the home page under "Survivors". There may be someone nearby who is registered here. If not, check out local rape crisis agencies, community mental health and other agencies under Social Services in your phone book. Read http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm
to help get some ideas in shopping for a therapist to help your friend.

Also, you should be getting lots of support here under the "Family and Friends" forum.

Welcome.....

Ken


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#56967 - 12/28/03 11:25 AM Re: Help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Salia's Hope
welcome to MS, not that any of us wish to be here - but we are, and this is a good place for help and support.

"Self destruction" us survivors wrote the book on that subject, I did it for over 30 years, and it's a hard act to get rid of. But we can - with help.
And you coming here shows that you care enough to help someone.
I got so much help from my wife, I know that I wouldn't have done any of the things I've achieved over the last 5 or 6 years without her. Or good therapy.

Over here in the UK I now work for a charity that provides specialist therapy for survivors, free if the client can't afford it. Have a look around where you live, you might find something similar. Ask at Rape Crisis Centres, Doctors, STD Clinics, Gay helplines. These are the people who know what's going on around the 'industry, ( what else do we call it ? )and they will probably know where to go.

But stick around here and ask questions, read the old posts as well. We'll help all we can.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#56968 - 12/28/03 03:37 PM Re: Help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Welcome. I hope that you can find some of what you're looking for here.

Yes, it is a shock to hear about. Yes, it makes you feel powerless, confused, afraid. You feel that nothing you can do could possibly counteract all those years of pain. Maybe you've heard some other things that don't elicit such easy sympathy and you're afraid to think about how you feel about those things.

I'm pretty new here too, and I can tell you that a lot of the despair, anger, sorrow, etc. that you feel now doesn't go away, but very soon it stops being so crippling. That's because, as you've said, we want to know what we can do. And we want to do it.

I think the first and most important thing, which I've said on this forum already, is that while I told my boyfriend that I believed him and took his emotions very seriously, and would listen to him when he needed it, I also made sure that he knew that he was the same guy he'd been before. We went out and did the things we always do, we laughed, we bickered about doing the dishes. I didn't burst into tears when he walked through the door, thinking about his sad life all over again (I cried and cried but not to him). I didn't tiptoe around him. I didn't start sleeping on the couch. I didn't kick him out, I didn't call all of our friends, etc etc.

I didn't do any of that and I wouldn't have, but I didn't know until I started reading the posts here, how real all of these fears are to the men who disclose to their loved ones. They don't want to lose their loved ones, and they don't want to poison their (less un-) healthy relationships with the hate and hurt of their abusive relationships. As irrational and even personally insulting ("But I'm not that person; doesn't he know I'd never do that...") as these fears seem to you, you have to let him know that they are unfounded.

You also have to make sure that before you start talking about self-destructive modes and counseling, that HE is the one who recognizes and wants to get out of his self-destructive mode, and that HE is the one who wants to get counseling. You don't have to go far on this forum to read about partners and friends who try so hard to make someone see that their point of view is the right one. I'm guilty of this myself at times. Usually it ends badly.

Good luck. I hope you decide to read and post more.

Sar


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