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#56908 - 07/20/05 02:47 AM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Lynn,
Quote:
In our state, just exposing a young child to such things, whether in person, on a video, verbally, or whatever, constitutes child abuse and action is taken.

If the child's mother is acting irresponsibly, she has no business having private unsupervised visits. Unfortunately, if the divorce isn't final, there's probably no custody stuff established so whoever has the kids at the time, has the kids.
I am working with his C, rather than trying to go directly to Child Protective Services myself right now, because she is qualified to evaluate his behaviors. I am not. My alarms have been screaming, but if I flew off the handle right now, while there is no custody order, I think I would lose credibility. I've been very careful to get the information to the professional, and I will be explicit with the "revised" story I heard from my oldest today when I can catch up with her. His (five yr old's) question to me, "What if it's someone who doesn't live here?" (when I told him I'd stop anyone who hurt him) still screams at me, but it could be a child's innocent question.

All I want to do is whatever is best for my kids. But as I said to ste, if it turns out that she has hurt him or let someone hurt him (and tonight I wonder why it's so important to her that I not see him), I will defend my son and she will not like that at all. I am his father and that is my job.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56909 - 07/20/05 05:13 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Joe, he's lucky to have you.


Hugs,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

– Anne Lamott

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#56910 - 07/21/05 05:21 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Joe,

I wanted to let you know that you have my love, support and encouragement in what you are doing.

It is such a terrible situation. You and your strong fatherly love are the bright, shining light in this.

You are the good guy. Lynn is right. You are a blessing in your childrens lives.

Keep the faith buddy. You've got all of us on your and the kids side.

I'm glad you're here.

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#56911 - 07/22/05 04:17 AM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Hello, again, my friends.

I spoke with his C today. His mother did not let him go to the appointment, but I was there for his sister anyway. His mother is supposed to reschedule his appt. and would then meet the C finally. For all the kids' sakes, I hope so.

I explained to C that the "pants off" behavior was the "sliding the butt on the floor like a cat" and not the "humping the couch cushions" according to the most recent discussion with my 13 year old. It's still troubling that this is so freakin' funny, and C asked where he had seen the "butt rub." I have no idea, but there are lots of animals living over there. (No, I'm not referring to any of her boyfriends! ;\) )

I was going to pick up my oldest from the TH after my daughter's session, but my wife warned me that they would not open the door if I went there. I spoke to a C at the crisis center and she agreed with me that making a scene could get my son home, until the next time my wife takes him, but it would be bad for him. So I didn't and won't do it, unless I ever get solid evidence someone is hurting him. In that case "a scene" wouldn't begin to describe my response.

I decided to call her and let her know I would not come by (just to reduce whatever stress she had about trying to keep him away from me) so I called before I picked up my daughter from camp. She was gonig to bring my oldest home around 7, but he called later to say they started watching a movie late. He wanted to know if coming home around 8:30 was ok, and I told him, "Sure." Why put any more stress in his life, right?

It is two weeks since I have had any time with my youngest son. She is literally keeping him hostage while she waits for me to agree to her terms. In the past two weeks I suggested that the kids have extra time with her during her brother's visit, I suggested that they spend the full week there instead of returning for one night as in her first suggested schedule, and I suggested that they stay one extra night to see their uncle off on Monday. I let the two older kids go for their regular Wednesday night sleepover, and had my daughter clear it with her mother when she decided she didn't want to go back there this time. I have tried to be fair to the kids in this divorce no one except my unfaithful wife wanted. I'll keep trying.

Please pray for all of us, and for her and her boyfriend. There's a great need for prayer in this.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56912 - 07/22/05 04:53 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
(((((Joe))))

I don't often come into the family and friends area cause I don't often have too much time to be on the puter (privacy issues where I live) - I am so very sorry that you are being put through so very much by your wife - I can only hope that all of your wifes inappropriate actions are being documented so as they can be used against her in court...

I am so very sorry for what your youngest is going through - I pray that he will be able to communicate with his C effectively so as that the cause of the 'behavioral problems' will be found...

I will be keeping all of your family in my prayers till this whole mess is sorted out...

I wish you the best,

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#56913 - 07/25/05 12:17 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Jeff,

Thank you, especially for the prayers. That's our lifeline these days.

It's been 9 days since I have seen my son. I'll check with my lawyer today to learn if he has heard anything. He filed a motion for an expedited custody hearing.

In the meantime, my soon to be ex-wife canceled his counseling appointment. She said she would reschedule, so we'll see. I let the two older kids continue their regularly scheduled visits with her. I won't make them pawns in this.

This weekend was hard as it marked a week without seeing him. His grandmother hung up on me when I requested, "Just ask him to take the phone, please," on Saturday. I've been trying to help his brother and sister even more, since they've heard their mother telling him he "can be an only child."

A friend asked me if it's possible that he is an only child, i.e., does he have a different father? I may be kidding myself, but I think we are biologically related. That question had lurked in my mind a bit, but it makes no difference. He is my son whom I have known as my youngest and I am the man he knows as "Dad."

I still worry about his remark, "What if it's somebody who doesn't live here?" but that by itself isn't going to get him out of there. I brought his C up to date on all this when I took his sister to her appointment. She's the professional, well known and highly regarded locally by people I trust, including an MD in the family practice where we go, the C from the program the two older kids attended this winter, and my own T.

I'm doing what I can, and God will do the rest. Thank you all so much for the prayers.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56914 - 07/28/05 04:23 AM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
I mentioned before (I think \:\) ) that I won't stop the kids from their regular visit with their mother on Wednesdays. Well, today both of the older ones decided they would go. Last week my daughter refused to go. And when I called to say goodnight, my 13 year old, bless his heart, got his younger brother on the phone. For the first time in 11 days, I heard my son's voice. \:D \:D \:D

The tension that left my body was like water flowing out of a pitcher, leaving just a lightness, like air. I hope so much to see him soon, and even more to get him back home. I think I'll have a very different attitude about waking up the next time he comes to me at dawn saying, "Dad, it's time to get up. The son is up."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56915 - 07/28/05 06:33 AM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Joe,

I am so happy for you. I have been reading your posts the past few days and my heart really goes out to you and your family. I'll be keeping you and your children in my prayers. Stay strong. Sometimes the best source of strength and reassurance comes from children. Just one little hug, smile or 'I love you' can mean more to a person than anything else in the world. Bless you and I hope this post finds you well.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#56916 - 07/28/05 12:13 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
LostSpark,

Thank you. I am so very hopeful this morning that he will be coming back home soon. This is the kids' regular weekend to visit their mother, but even if he came home just overnight before getting back to the regular schedule, I would be so happy. I'll see his C today when I take his sister to her appointment and I'll ask about how I should help him ease back into being home when the time comes.

I hope it comes today.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56917 - 07/28/05 11:42 PM Re: A male survivor seeking advice
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I never come to friends and family, but I am glad I did today.

Joe, you are a kind, patient man and I wish you all the success with your kids that you deserve.

The rollercoaster ride will end, I assure you. Just be there with a smile to help them off the ride.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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