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#56788 - 12/16/03 01:14 PM Can it be true? 2 part Question
steel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 4
Loc: In Gods hands
Hello all, this may be short because i am at work....sorry if it seems patchy. I got on the home page and saw the things that are considered SA - My God - I have been. I was forced to watch porn while I was growing up and to keep it quiet. Is this true? My mother swears that something has happened to me by my father in a more closer way and if I ever remembered anything That it was ok and I should tell someone and get help. I think she is crazy, just thought it came from the fact that i told her what dad was doing to me with the porn when i was 14, which happened to be 4 years after she found out the perv was getting his kicks with another women. So i just thought she hated him, which she did - and thats why she was telling and ASKING me if i remembered anything else, ANYTHING!!! I DO NOT, other then what i said happened. Can someone block out things to the extent of just not remembering stuff, i feel confident in saying NOTHING else did. I can remember very little else from my childhood as well....i mean hardly nothing besides what seems to be the usual stories floating around the family circle, you know the ones of fun and sun. Nothing else besides those! NO memories of my own. Is that odd? I always blamed it on the fact that when my dad got caught cheating on my mom my world came to a stand still because the family dynamics have now dracticaly changed, but if they were that good before wouldn't i remember something that was good or even bad?

Ok - here is the reason why i am here right now because of Ruby1 - my lovely wife. I have often wondered if i am a weirdo for wanting to be so close to her in ways that she can not because of what my father did to me. Am i a pervert for feeling that need to be close with my wife so often.......i think i relate closeness (not sex) with love and if we are not always spot on then i feel as though something is wrong and i asume it is me because of past history with an abusive former spouse.

wow - so much going around in my brain right now.

I love my wife and will do anything to see her better and anything to make this relationship better and better. We have more love then I could have ever possibly imagined existed in this life. God Bless her and watch over us.

More later I suspect!

_________________________
The Tear

My love, my heart and my soul
Is a teardrop in my eye.
My love consumes my heart,
My heart consumes my soul,
All together you have - my very existence
I cry for us!!!

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#56789 - 12/16/03 02:08 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
Look, it is normal to have needs. As humans we enter a relationship because we need affection, intimacy and companionship. Those are valid needs, and those needs must be fulfilled if we are to be happy. I guess only you know whether your needs are valid or unhealthy, and also keep in mind that a starving man will think about food more often than a fed one. You may be obsessing over intimacy because you are starved for it, not because there is anything wrong with you. If you get it on a regular basis, and still want more, you might look closer at your motivations. With your wife’s history, I wouldn’t over react yet by creating problems where there are none. Unless you uncover some clear memory, I wouldn’t read a lot into things that may not be there.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#56790 - 12/16/03 02:12 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
steel,
i admit that at first i had a great deal of difficulty in being able to relate to your dilemma. i am a male survivor of sexual abuse by other men, and incest from my maternal perp. this happened to me from ages three to twelve directly, and continued emotional incest well into my adulthood. i have extreme difficulty relating to other men who have not had the same kind of experience because of the hell i went through as a child.

to answer your questions: it is true that memories can be easily suppressed for years. i was not able to recall my abuse until my maternal perp was out of the picture and i was feeling relatively safe from harm in the embrace of lady theo. an adult making a child watch pornography is sexual abuse. the reason is that the child is not ready for such things and when done in the presance of an adult, by an adult, the harm is profound. there would be a major difference if two young adolescents came across some pornography on their own because that is curiosity among peers. an adult having a child watch pornography is either grooming the child for further, more direct abuse, or is simply getting their kicks from the situation the child is in. you are not perverted in wanting to share the gift of intimacy with the woman you love, however, if you persist in the face of her discomfort then you are being selfish at minimum, and abusive at worst. whether or not there was more direct, invavsive sexual abuse in your own past is something you will work out in time when you are ready to handle it. this is not a given, that you were directly assaulted that is, just a high probability. as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse i have had to deal with very profound pain that i could not easily deal with. i trust that you do love your wife very much, towards that end, the best thing you can do is to educate yourself on the impact of csa in the adult. it is a dark and brutal world we struggle through, steel, and the love and compassion of our partners frequently mean the difference between making through another day, or not. intimacy of any kind for a survivor is so tangled for us because of the violations we grew up. we deal with shame, secrecy, self hatred, etc...the list can be endless. right now you are at that point where you are starting to truly perceive the implication of the impact of csa on adult survivors. learn, my friend, that is the best way you can help the woman you love. pm me if i can answer anymore questions for you. take care.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#56791 - 12/16/03 05:05 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Steel,

It's possible. I did block what happened to me for many years. Stuff you'd think impossible to not remember, I didn't.

That's the miracle and curse of the human mind. We block what we're not ready to face until we're ready to face it.

I can't say anything that will help you remember or ease the shock of if/when you do. Just know that we're here if you need us.

Peace and love, my brother,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#56792 - 12/16/03 05:05 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
LadyTheo Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 32
Loc: ky
Steel,
You raise some very valid questions, unfortunatly-there are no easy answers.
As far as your own suspected SA, yes it is possible to repress such memories. I personally did not recall any of my own abuse untill I was 22-23. As children, we sometimes have to supress the events in order to survive, we are simply unable to cope with such horrific events at that age. I didn't start remembering my abuse untill I was emotionally capable. Since then, it has been a VERY long hard road, but I have never felt so free in my life.
As far as intimacy with your wife, my suggestion is that you respect her boundries. She needs to know that it's okay for her to say no to sexual contact in order for her to feel 100% safe with you. There are many other ways to express your intense love for her. Just a simple thing such as turning the television off and talking to her, or cooking her favorite meal one night, sending her flowers out of the blue, etc. These such things let her know that she is valued, and she may eventually feel comfortable enough to be more intimate with you. Right now she probably (I did anyway) feels disgusted with her body-it was the direct source of her pain and suffering as a child.
I feel as though I am rambling, so I think I'll take a break for now, I may respond more later.
I hope that some of this has been able to help you, please take what you need from this and leave the rest \:\) .
Take care Steel and let me know if I can help you with anything \:\)
LadyTheo

_________________________
In order to see the rainbow, you have to endure the storms.

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#56793 - 12/16/03 05:51 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Yes it is possible for the mind to repress a lot of memories, but again as someone else indicated here that there is also the possibility of planted memories. I too have some kind of "inkling" that somethign related to sexual abuse happened to me but I have never been able to recall it and I am not actively trying to find out more. I have my own set of abuse issues that i am dealing with and dont need any more issues on my plate at this time. I figure if anything more comes up for me I'll deal with it just as I have dealt with the other things so far.

In the pursuit of determining if something happened to you - probably worth being very self-observant AND brutally honest about yourself (and open to information/advice/insight on yourself, your life and behaviours from others - i.e. loved ones, therapists, etc).

Generally those suffering from the effects of sexual abuse have some traits in common: intense neediness, relationship difficulties due to inability to be emotionally intimate OR due to extreme insecurity (can waver between the two), difficulties with anger, difficulties holding down jobs, depression and anxiety disorders, substance abuse problems, eating disorders, sexual addictions/compulsions, promiscuity/repulsion by sex (can be at either extreme or swing between the two), etc. If you are suffering from some of these issues or have done so in the past, OR if the pursuit of "toning down" your sexual demands on your wife results in some of these behaviours, that may be a clue that you have been abused, and worth investigating with a therapist who has experience in dealing with issues related to repressed memories and childhood trauma/sexual abuse.

P


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#56794 - 12/16/03 11:31 PM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I agree with what everyone has had to say about there being all kinds of intimacy and closeness that you and your wife might be better able to access. All I want to add is, don't forget to laugh and have fun together.

Especially during the first days after I heard about my boyfriend's SA, and especially I started trying to learn everything I could about survivors and the effects of SA, I was blown away by all of the pain and isolation. All I could think was, I'm pretty sad and hurt about all of this and it didn't even happen to me, it happened to him, and I've only known about it for a week and he's been living with it for years... how sad and hurt is he? He must be so sad, all the time.

He is sad and uncertain and stressed out, much of the time, but he is still the same person who loves life and practical jokes and good company, and I know it was important that I didn't make him feel like he couldn't be that person, and a sad person, at the same time. Don't be afraid to be happy and love life with your wife.

peace
Sar


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#56795 - 12/17/03 04:55 AM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Steel,

welcome here. I always thought that I remembered all from my life, my childhood and the abuse that occurred. But it is in the last six months, when I am starting to deal of all this, that I realize that is not truth. Much is away of my brain, I have not dealt with or remembered, not as myself anyway (I have mental 'others', so although I hold my memories within me, I am not conscious still of some of them). But some things i have remembered in these few months, thinking I am crazy, I have asked my mom of them, and she confirms they happen. So yes, it is possible to 'forget' of some horrible things and not be aware of them at all.

I would maybe start to keep journal of things that strike you odd, that give you bad feelings, things your mom says or hints maybe happened, just keep all of it together in one place. Starting to see patterns, or things that do not fit or do fit, it may help to refresh things in your mind. The memories, if things happened, they are in there somewhere, they just are not at surface right now.

I wish you good luck.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#56796 - 12/17/03 11:17 AM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Steel,

Wow, I just posted to your wife, I guess.

Yes, it can be true. The thing that you know happened, with the porn, is abuse. It is sexual abuse. Childhood sexual abuse.

Yes, it can be true. As my T used to tell me when I'd say, "It couldn't have been that bad!" if you don't remember it, then how do you know how bad it was?

I suggested to Ruby1 that she check out the RAINN list of counseling centers online and find someone to help. Maybe you both should look there. Another resource helpful to me has been Survivors of Incest Anonymous and it might help the two of you.

It's very hard to accept the kinds of trauma that sent me looking for this kind of web site. Just recognizing the thnigs you know about are abuse probably hurts like hell. But you have made the first brave step in getting better. You have sought help and found a tremendous bunch of people here. You and your wife will have some tough times, but the fact that you are each looking to deal with painful issues from your respective pasts so you can be a better partner for the other is beautiful.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#56797 - 12/17/03 11:49 AM Re: Can it be true? 2 part Question
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by steel:
I was forced to watch porn while I was growing up and to keep it quiet.
Actually I reread this post - indeed this does constitute sexual abuse... while it may not be as violent and overt as some of the other physical-sexual abuse but it does fit the de>

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