Hi everyone
Firstly I like to say that this is the best place I have found for sharing feelings and thoughts about SA.. I have already gained so much just from reading others peoples questions and thoughts. So a big thank-you to all of you who have the courage to share in such depth of expression what you are feeling and going through.

My question for today is why am I doing this and in order for any of you to give any advise I think I need to tell you more about my situation (trust!!! I have such a fear of that.) Maybe that will explain my very short entry yesterday.
I am a 30 year old women> I was removed from my birth mother at around 6-8 months old. This was for neglect and a lack of pressance by her> My older sister tells me we were often left alone for days and she would try to take care of me although being only 5 herself this was to say the least different. I went on to be fostered out to two families before finding a permiant placement just before my 2nd birthday. In this home I was abused from ages 4-14. I plucked up the courage to tell my adoptive mother what had been happening to me after she left the home I was 11.I remember her reaction being something very different than I imagined, I was asked what I wabted tto do did I want the police called or did I want my mother to go talk to my father about this first> I said I wanted to call the police, My mother and her new partner then set in with a string of reasons why I should reconsider that line of action. It began with, my dad would lose his job if this came out. He would lose his family. He would have no friends. It would be in the papers what had happened and so everyone I knew would know. He would go to prison where he would be beaten. He would lose his house, and lastly he would end up killing himself. I don't know if this makes sense to any of you, but I didn't want these things to happen to my dad I loved him I just wanted him to STOP!! doing what he was doing. I decided to go with the other option of having my mother go over and talk to him. I went with her and was ttold to wait in the car. I remember it seeming like she'd been in there for ever. Finally she came out and told me to come inside. I did where I was told to appologise to my father for making up such horrible lies about him. I did crying not knowing what was happening just the feeling of wanting to die right then and there. I went back with my mother where I was sent to bed and grounded. That night I overheard her new partner telling my mother not to leave him alone with me. I cried so hard that night.A few weeks later to my disbelife my mother sent me back tto live with my father. I really belived at this point he wouldn't do it again as he knew I had told someone. Not the case it continued for another 3 years only thing different was it was more frequent. I left home at 16 the moment I could with such hate for my father. I became pregnant at 17 and ended up having no where to go. My father found me and told me to come home he would help me keep the baby if that's what I wanted. I returned home and stayed for 9 months. At this time I was rapped By 2 men, while on a night out with my real sister whom I had managed to locate. It was by someone I thoughht was a friend the other I had never seen before. After a few months of staying with my real mother I was askked to leave and again found myself back at my fathers. I moved out when I was 20, to my own place. things were finally looking up. My farther had enrolled in a programme for pedophiles(on his own not because he was forced by courts). I began tto try and work at my feelings although not to hard I skipped around the subject with counselers. I was unable to talk about it. Still am unable to say what actually happened. Anyway then I met someone in worse shape than me. He was what I thought a recovering heroin addict. Only it tured out he wasn't recovering and had no intention of doing so. II spent 3 years with him laughing at what had happened to me saying it was my fault and that I enjoyed it. This was not just in private this was sometimes in town when I had no money to give him. He beat me regularly with no warning of what I had done wrong. Yes you guessed it I found myself spending more and more time at my dads. In the end it was my dad who gave me the money tto buy a car and get myself away. Which I did. I then after 3 years met the man who became my husand just 2 months ago I told him what happened on the phone and said I understood if that what I had said ment he could no longer have a relationship with me. To my utter surprise he said he wanted to continue our relationship and I moved from Enggland to America 8 months ago. I left everything I had built up in the 3 years. It wasn't alot but it was home. I now find myself nnot being able to handle his affections the way he wants to ggive them i.e kissing touching making love. I have never found myself in a loving relationship where I can say no before if I said I don't want to it was a case of tuf your going to. I find it difficult so dificult to show my husband any affection apart from holding his hand or in places where I know sex can't take place. I know I am hurting him and sometimes I just want to leave so as to stop his pain. Why should he have to deal with this. I see no end insight . I also still speak to my dad in fact he is coming over for xmas so as I know he won't be alone. I can't find the hate for him that my husband has.Why it should be me that hates him If anyone can help me sort out why I feel this way I would be so thankful I am so lost and want this tto go away although I fear this will not happen untill I close my eyes for the last time.


PS My husbannd is steel and he is also using this site if you guys can help him with his questions it would be great. Most of the time I can't answer my own, let alone his.

To begin, I am sorry for what you have been through, but glad you have found your way here. Every emotion you talked about I understand, and feel in some way. Nothing enrages me more than when someone has found the courage to tell, only to be made into liar. I am amazed how quickly people discount their children’s story. Clearly they place more value on their image than their children. I think deep inside, they know you told the truth, but it is easier to believe your father.

Your mother was selfish, thinking only of how she would look if it got out. It wasn’t about protecting your father, she was afraid how she would look, how the family name would look. It was easier for her to sacrifice her daughter than to admit she had failed to protect you, and had missed what was going on. See, even if you were not directly accusing her, the implication is that she failed as a mother, because she didn’t recognize the abuse when it was happening. Her way of coping was to buy your father’s pack of lies. It was the easiest way out. If you hang out around survivor’s boards, you’ll find this happens most of the time when a child comes out. I guess we are only believable as adults. Sad, really.

Now your intimacy issues are the legacy of a messed up life. My father hugged me a few months ago, and all I wanted was to get away, to escape. My step-son wants to play and wrestle, but I can’t stand anyone in my space except for my wife. It is clumsy and uncomfortable to even hug my boy. I hate it, and work hard to change. That is all anyone can expect of us, is that we work at it.

When touch has always been connected with abuse, it is hard to let people touch you. Talk to your husband, and keep talking. You can never do it enough. Talk and listen.

Right now, your inner voice is telling you that you are worthless, sick, gross and perhaps a million other things. It is lying to you, but you don’t realize it yet. You are carrying his shame, hanging your head and feeling worthless for what he did. In time, you will realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were abused, a victim, and you dealt with it the best you could. A child has few options, and must go where they are told, and do what they are told. Their only way of dealing with it is by running away, physically, emotionally, mentally. I ran into fantasies, sexual fantasies. I escaped by withdrawing and shutting down. Others escape into unhealthy relationships, drugs or crime. It was the only way you knew, and it was all his fault. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t do anything to bring it on. If you ran around naked 24/7, it still doesn’t justify an adult seducing you. This is all about him. The shame is his, the guilt is his. You are owning a part in it that isn’t yours to own. I know because I did the same thing.

Recovery is about growing. It is about understanding the underlying truth, and accepting your place in things. Like maturing in body, maturing in spirit takes time, but it also takes a lot of effort. Keep plugging away. If I can help you or your hubby at all pm me. I hope you find peace and happiness, you deserve it.

jeff