To begin, I am sorry for what you have been through, but glad you have found your way here. Every emotion you talked about I understand, and feel in some way. Nothing enrages me more than when someone has found the courage to tell, only to be made into liar. I am amazed how quickly people discount their childrenís story. Clearly they place more value on their image than their children. I think deep inside, they know you told the truth, but it is easier to believe your father.
Your mother was selfish, thinking only of how she would look if it got out. It wasnít about protecting your father, she was afraid how she would look, how the family name would look. It was easier for her to sacrifice her daughter than to admit she had failed to protect you, and had missed what was going on. See, even if you were not directly accusing her, the implication is that she failed as a mother, because she didnít recognize the abuse when it was happening. Her way of coping was to buy your fatherís pack of lies. It was the easiest way out. If you hang out around survivorís boards, youíll find this happens most of the time when a child comes out. I guess we are only believable as adults. Sad, really.
Now your intimacy issues are the legacy of a messed up life. My father hugged me a few months ago, and all I wanted was to get away, to escape. My step-son wants to play and wrestle, but I canít stand anyone in my space except for my wife. It is clumsy and uncomfortable to even hug my boy. I hate it, and work hard to change. That is all anyone can expect of us, is that we work at it.
When touch has always been connected with abuse, it is hard to let people touch you. Talk to your husband, and keep talking. You can never do it enough. Talk and listen.
Right now, your inner voice is telling you that you are worthless, sick, gross and perhaps a million other things. It is lying to you, but you donít realize it yet. You are carrying his shame, hanging your head and feeling worthless for what he did. In time, you will realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were abused, a victim, and you dealt with it the best you could. A child has few options, and must go where they are told, and do what they are told. Their only way of dealing with it is by running away, physically, emotionally, mentally. I ran into fantasies, sexual fantasies. I escaped by withdrawing and shutting down. Others escape into unhealthy relationships, drugs or crime. It was the only way you knew, and it was all his fault. You didnít ask for it, you didnít do anything to bring it on. If you ran around naked 24/7, it still doesnít justify an adult seducing you. This is all about him. The shame is his, the guilt is his. You are owning a part in it that isnít yours to own. I know because I did the same thing.
Recovery is about growing. It is about understanding the underlying truth, and accepting your place in things. Like maturing in body, maturing in spirit takes time, but it also takes a lot of effort. Keep plugging away. If I can help you or your hubby at all pm me. I hope you find peace and happiness, you deserve it.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein