Newest Members
andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons
12251 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
2 registered (bluesky, Mike0078), 32 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63106 Topics
441316 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#56768 - 12/18/03 05:10 PM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Theo~
yes I agree whole heartedly that the whole concept of rebuilding in your image from the broken junk. HOWEVER at some point hubby must come to the understanding that one does not need to invest perfectly good money & self to "just rebuild". It is ok and acceptable and one is entitled to "buy new" rather than "accpept and rebuild old". Hubby has a lot of practice of making old & broken better or at least "tolerable"... but he Deserves new. New can be scarey...
New has never had anyone else in the "drivers seat" or had anyone else change the oil -- or even heaven forbid, had to have a new engine or head installed. New hasnt shown any tire tread except what he has put on it... or shown any minor "bugs" that maybe are just part of the design flaws.... scarey stuff when there is no "history" to prepare oneself for the unnexpected. Could be good on gas mileage or be a complete lemon that needs to go to the junk yard --- HOWEVER until he "test drives" the new he will never know. Just because there are known flaws in the old doesnt make them more stable or long lasting --- I knew the engine was pretty good odds for another 50,0000 so I "expected" this and am not surprised... but WHY not risk actually getting the "full 250,000" out of her?
Because WITH new comes more responsibility to change the oil regualar, change the oil, check the reviews, and even to be responsible if she gets a dent or worse blows the engine... no one to give responsibility to BESIDES the "new owner".
So yes while it is more of a "masculine" thing -- all folks do it in some sort of comparison I think --- for me its getting a "new kitchen" I am a bit overwhelmed at actually "having choice" of the new drywall & results of my taping mudding and even paint color -- hey I like my choice but now I can "see" more of my mudding mistakes and yea they are a little "brighter" than I actually imagined --- but they are MINE to own. THE BEST part of that tho is that I still have the option to change any damn thing I want from color to repairing the mudding mistakes. \:\)
In essence I am not just living with someone elses choices and repairing them to "acceptable" tolerance levels for what I want to live with.. I got a WHOLE BLANK PALETTE that "I" painted!!
So... for hubby to break his "mothers" influence I think he needs (of course in his own time) to recognize that he NOW has complete choice on WHAT and HOW he wants to invest.
His tools are coming into place, he has tools that he has used all along but does he HAVE to work that much "harder" rather than "smarter"?
His Choice --- and driving a hot new number that can do 0 - 70 in less than 10 can get him the "flag" in the end. \:\)
man I love analolgies... LOL!
now I wanna go race the bike... uh oh
Speedy Sammy \:D


Top
#56769 - 12/18/03 11:01 PM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
i really debated about directing this response via pm because on the surface it did not seem to directly relate to the thread. i realized though, that it did, only each will have to take their experience from it. i love analogies and imagery as well, though i really try to keep it in perspective, as we all do. i have a strong tendency to take an image and give it more credibility than it deserves beyond the immediate discussion. i realized that as i was drafting a response to your post, sammy.

at some point survivors do indeed have to realize that we are entitled to something new. what guy would not give his left lugwrench for a chance to drive away in 2004 vette? not a single one. for a survivor, that requires one thing, the acceptance that such a thing is deserved. for me personally, i struggle everytime with buying anything new for myself because i cannot conceive of any inherent "deservedness" that i could possess. i don't buy new clothes until my old ones are beyond repair. i feel guilty buying a magazine that strikes my interest for crying out loud. repairing a car is not just an analogy, it is a fundamental truth about our self perception. sinking, elsewhere, as posted a request for help in understanding what his wife is going through. this illustrates something very fundamental for us, we have to "fix" things...anything, or anyone else other than ourselves because we cannot see we deserve it. those male survivors here who have made progress enough in their healing to begin to recognize and accept that essential deservedness are heros to us who begin our journey on a daily basis. and the women who share our lives who are survivors as well just awe and confuse us even more oftimes because we have seen the kind of abuse adult male perps have perpetrated on us and can vividly imagine what it was like for the women we love. how can we, who begin each day in our journey, hope to compare to the strength we witness in others when we struggle with guilt over buying a silly magazine? so we try to repair that broken down car and step by step we gradually come to the point where we can begin to see that the magazine is not such a major issue after all.

this thread started with blue wondering about the diabolical authority wielded by maternal perps in the lives of the sons they victimized. there has been that compassion that we men are so grateful for from our partners. speaking for myself alone, that 76 automobile is a labor of love...not to the car, or the "cult of masculinity", but to myself. at this point in my life, that car is the only thing i allow myself to consider worthy of rebuilding about myself. but as each new piece goes on to this classic i hear the demands of my maternal perp that much less. i am not building a car, i am building my life in a way that i can see, and through this i am able to see that in the end, i deserved it. take care, one and all.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#56770 - 12/18/03 11:13 PM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Theo,

Quote:
what guy would not give his left lugwrench for a chance to drive away in 2004 vette? not a single one. for a survivor, that requires one thing, the acceptance that such a thing is deserved. for me personally, i struggle everytime with buying anything new for myself because i cannot conceive of any inherent "deservedness" that i could possess. i don't buy new clothes until my old ones are beyond repair.
This has been me exactly! And I'm damn well going to fix that! Next summer I'm going to buy myself that Fiat Spider that I've always been dreaming of! I'm not sure I can afford it, but I sure deserve it! I'll just have to sell another house or two. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

Top
#56771 - 12/18/03 11:17 PM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
andrew,
weave that web and watch the intersections!!!

\:D \:D \:D

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#56772 - 12/19/03 03:06 AM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Theo~
I hope that you understand that I am not in anyway advocating that anyone should "give up" repairing the old car. Or using the tools that are working successfully for any issues. I am simply saying I geuss that the option should always be considered to "buy new" also. To try new avenues of living life and dealing with those issues. Heck often times we use BOTH at the same time to live life and deal with our "issues".
and I fully believe that it is a growing process one that is taken in small steps not huge BITES -- that can be detrimental to effective change also. A "self sabotage" in some sorts.
While I know that hubby "fixes things" to clear his mind, soothe his soul etc... for me I "clean" as I clean out my mental stuff & emotional stuff. Re organizing my physical surroundings actually is a process in conjunction to reorganizing my own thoughts. The same as hubby does as he "fixes" and repairs things.
These types of physical actions effect the emotional actions occuring... and yes I do give weight in there that somehow men do really think & process differently than women. I do not think that is total bunk or without credit.
However -- my frustration at hubby's choice of spending his cash is that the "way" he was choosing to spend the money. If he had planned and processed facts first it would not have angered me or upset me... After all he and I both have a thing about building and repairing cars & bikes together -- its a bonding , loving thing we do together ... so I get that part too.
I hope you know that in no way would I intentionally minimize or invalidate real healing processes or functioning coping tools for any one survivor or not.
Peace, and Keep the Engines Running!
Sammy


Top
#56773 - 12/19/03 05:48 AM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
i owe an apology to everyone who has been following this thread, and especially to blue who asked some very important questions about male survivors. my apology is due to my tendency to make things far more complicated then they need to be. when i am on a roll, watch out \:\) !

what i meant to say is really simple, but i got caught up in the analogy and took it further than it needed to be. the essential question was, in part, the influence a maternal perp has on her grown son and why this is the case. bottom line, blue, our maternal perps took the one thing away from us that no one else could. one could call it innocence, simple faith, whatever...boys are raised to revere their mothers, and respect their fathers. this is the image our society has of what the parental roles are supposed to be. motherhood is an image that practically all other relationships are judged by for boys that become men. when a mother distorts that into something so despicable as physical or emotional emotional incest everything else that follows is corrupted in the perception of the boy. this does not mean everything becomes evil, it means that the world is seen through the eyes of the woman that perpetrated so evil a crime against her son. this is not to minimize any abuse anyone else suffers and survives, it just points out the difference in one respect that maternal perpetrators have on their sons. we are not able to see the world through the eyes we would have developed on our own in a healthy parent/child, mother/son relationship so everything becomes tainted by the way we were victimized. the one person who was supposed to love us above any other person chose to use us for her own twisted needs. we go out of our way to please, protect, serve, etc, those who share our life after we become adults but we are still that little boy who .....

i have to stop there. blue, maternal perps maintain their hold on us and distort our lives because, in a manner of speaking, they stole our freedom to be. until we are able to find some way out of that ugly cycle all we can do is stumble and pray that we do not hurt those who share our lives too badly. inside every male survivor of maternal abuse there is a terrified little boy who wants nothing more than to please the one who we were taught had the greatest power over us because we wanted to be safe, and we wanted to be loved. that was all we wanted. until we can believe we are safe and loved for who we are we remain that terrified little boy trying to please the one who was supposed to love and nurture us.

sorry, i have to stop. i hope this cleared up my ramblings from before. ladies, each of you are our only proof that what we were forced to learn was a lie. we male survivors are still responsible for our choices, you are not responsible for our happiness or healing. all we want is the freedom to learn the truth and to see what real honesty and love can mean in the daily lives we share with you in letting us know with the love and compassion that brought you here to learn of our struggles that when we do make mistakes it is not the end of the world as we know it or the end of a relationship. what we want is the things we never had as boys, truth, honesty, and love as it is meant to be. take care, everyone.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#56774 - 12/19/03 09:52 AM Re: Authority, intimacy, substance abuse & suicidal issues
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ladies, each of you are our only proof that what we were forced to learn was a lie.
Sweeeet!! \:\)

And in the inverse, the same is true for so many of you guys on here as well as the strength and courage my partner is showing on his journey. This has taught me that what I was forced to learn as a little girl about how men are supposed to treat women was also a lie!


Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.