Welcome .. I hope a few others post a reply also to you.
I am a survivor of SA as well as my hubby. It has been a long road over the past 17 yrs for us. BUT one Very Worth taking. You're right in the "damned if you do & damned if you dont" position.
I'd like to suggest counseling for you if you arent already doing so. If she has just disclosed her SA to you she may be very much feeling pretty raw, & not sure what she feels right now. She may be feeling very vulnerable or thinking to herself that it was no big deal, or that she made it up to get attention, or an excuse or any number unlimited that the SA was / is not real.
As in any new marriage or relationship your sexual intimacy will have some ebbs & tides. Talking with her.. and tho that may be a new learning area for you.. her HEARING what you or she are saying may be new for both of you. HOWEVER, just my p.o.v. is that you both have a "clean slate" to work from. You can learn Healthy ways to communicate together.. including Listening to each other. I know one of the greatest moments in hubby & I's healing process is when we each have said to each other... very plainly "I believe you when you tell me that you were abused by X X X". Perhaps you could start by telling her that you believe her? The other part of that is that even tho I knew hubby is a survivor also for yrs in our marriage he never spoke of it except in passing occassionaly -- when he flooded with memories I told him "I believe you" it helped but the tears really rained down the day his auntie told him "I'm so sorry you had to go thru this". Just validating that you hear her by making these types of statements could bring you closer together.
I love her so much and I am not aloud to be able to express myself in ways that I long too -ie- Kisses, Touch, Long hugs and Making love - this also being the same in recieving these things from her as well.
Why are you not allowed to touch her or kiss her? Has she actually said "dont do that"? If so perhaps in the daylight when the two of you can sit calmly together with out influx of other stimulus you could ask her "HOW or WHAT" is considered a "Safe Touch" for her. She may not know exactly yet or be able to communicate it.. touch is linked to the abuse & she may not be able to say much more than dont touch my knee... ask her if you can ask why ONLY if you can hear details of the abuse (check yourself in this its horrible to hear details & she may not be able to share them either). Ask her WHAT she is comfortable in doing as far as touching you. Tell her you need to have the physical touches & kisses to know that you are loved by her & she doesnt see you as her abuser. (it is easy to feel as if we are the abuser when we see our loved ones so injured) Be Prepared the "guidelines" for "Safe Touch" may change frequently & without notice. Try not to take this too personal as she is still working out what exactly does or does not feel safe. Using the phrases "may I", or "Can I" can go a long way to create a safe feeling for her remember her abuser/s didnt ASK her if he could or even if s/he did he used it against her to injure her.
I GO COLD as not to hurt her or make those feelings come back and then she says to me that I am only ok when we are close in those ways and when I go cold that only proves that our relationship is only good to me when we are Intimate. Not True!!
Is it possible you could try to remind yourself that you ARE NOT her abuser? How is it that you are going to hurt her? By WANTING the norm of expression of love between two consenting adults? This is going to be a real touch & go area for awhile & constitutes A LOT of blunt questions from you... as in "May I Kiss you?" You're probably going to do some mental gymnastics for yourself that will turn off your libido some & that is pretty normal to experience that. If you feel as if you should HAVE to ask to touch or be touched it can flood your thots with the unfairness/anger etc that comes with living with the fall out from having been abused. She also may do a "push & pull" with you regarding sexual contact. It could be a mental thinking of "I should do this for my spouse I Love him he's safe, but wait it still feels "gross in my stomach" ... and around and around the thoughts can go from there also squelching her libido?
One thing I can say that has helped over our years is saying the very words aloud "I LOVE YOU" freely & openly & often and especially without the expectation of sexual contact attached or expected from it. Tell her directly that you think she is smart, funny, strong, etc... those little oorahs make a huge difference for trust.. perhaps write them down on a paper she can keep with her when she is feeling blue?
I encourage you to seek counseling.. both together and individually having someone who isnt IN your relationship to ask questions of, vent frustrations with and to defrag your seperate emotions can be crucial if not critical to learning to HEAL together.
She may have had to survive alone, but NO ONE should EVER have to HEAL alone. Your both already strong and love goes a helluva long way in a relationship... but so does patience, willingness to ask the hard questions no matter how ashamed or embarrassin they may be or even if they put the kibosh on some sexual contact for awhile.. but it is very very worth the struggles in the long run.
Peace and if you feel you want to PM me you may.