****caution may contain Triggers & cussin***
I've been reading so much on the board lately and so much I want to respond to but feel as if I am stuck in a limbo. I've tucked some of it in my word prgm for later if I ever get the guts to post it.
I shared the news of us being grandparents but I left a big part out. An important part out.
The part of the sexual abuse that is so prevalant on my side of the family and Hubby's side of the family.
We have always been straight with our girls. Only giving them information that they could handle for their age and WITH the help of a therapist at the beginning. As they aged it just became a natural, they could see for their own selves our Parents behaviors.
But when daugh shared that she was pregnant Hubby was the first to say only moments into the discussion , with a new partner for our daugh -- Hubby said very bluntly and Frankly "I want you to know you are NEVER to leave this child alone with my Dad" and then I chimed in "Or EITHER of MY Parents"...
We asked our new young man if he was aware of what we were speaking of. He said daugh had told him enough that he completely understood and did not need any further details or discussions.
To back up a few years, when our daughs reached the age that "most" of my abuse became daily I melted down and ended up in the crayola wing --- Forced to deal with the SA, and with guidance from my T we set up a "saftey" net for our daughs. Afraid that my Parents "would get to them" too. We cut off contact completely until we felt they were of age to be able to defend and speak for themselves. THen we gave them "choice" as to HOW that contact if any would happen.
They do have contact with them these days, altho limited. I dont hold nor does Hubby hold judgment of what their relationship with our "parents" should / would/ or could be like.
Only one daugh (the one that is pg) is the only one who in the past has asked for "details" of the abuse. I am not sure if they have any details of Hubby's abuse. BUT they very much are aware that he too is a survivor due to his break thru being so recent & them being adults.
I know that we have done our best to date to address the issue of advising our children that our parents are sexual predators. They also know that legal procedings occurred to protect them when they were still in elementary school. But were unaware of WHAT those legal procedings were for, it was quite involved informing the school etc.
I did have problems with their biological father allowing them access to the girls when he had visitation. I do know that there is some secrecy surrounding that, but I am not about to bring up this subject now when it happened yrs ago and it was HIS responsibility to protect them. AND the girls were in T right along with me -- as they became co-survivors themselves even tho they were just 9 - 10 yrs old at the time, and perhaps a few yrs younger.
So I feel that they have had a good solid base for protection IF their bio dad had exposed them to my "parents". I legally had no way to prevent him from placing him in or around my parents. Altho he was very much made aware of WHY, even prior to our divorce.
I dont know why I wanted to share this. I geuss I just wanted to let someone else know yet another "step" in breaking the cycle of generational abuse has been made.
And as this daugh taught me some yrs ago when I was going thru a serious "guilt" phase about my parenting .... she had been adamant that she would NEVER have children, she changed her mind & when I asked why she said:
"All parents fuck up their kids, the trick is to minimize the damage."
That released a lot of guilt for me, and now she too will get the chance to "minimize the damage".