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#56543 - 12/09/03 02:23 PM Re: I love you !
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
It all starts with this scream, this I LOVE YOU scream... but we are all screaming it at someone else. Not at ourselves.

My older daughter is learning how to write. Lately she has been making a lot of "I like..." "I love..." lists in school. She keeps putting herself on the list! "I love me." "I like me." Not something I would have done at 6 years old. Certainly not my boyfriend. it never would have occurred to either of us. It has been very enlightening for me. It's so easy for her to say, and still so hard for me to tell myself. And I'm supposed to be the one teaching her about life.


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#56544 - 12/11/03 02:03 PM Re: I love you !
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am sorry this is so hard to you Caro. I know that I do what I can to sabotage myself, I am so afraid to do something good or right, to make progress, because that goes against what I believe of myself. What I believe of myself is that I am bad, stupid, evil, wrong. It is what my whole life, believe system is built on, those beliefs. To change that way of thinking, it is to change how I feel of everything, and so far, I can not do that.

I push away most the people who are loving and best at me most. I think it is because they are safest to do that with. It is not fair, of course, and it is maybe taking these people I love so much for granted, that they will forgive me. But I can only take it so much, the love and good feelings. Because then I start to feel better of myself, and I can not mentally deal with that. Then I realize I do not deserve these things, that these people will end up to hurt me (I know is not real or rational, but how I think at that time), and have to push away again.

I do not know if it helps you to understand maybe how he is thinking, but that is how I feel when I get like that. I hope that you can remain patient, and take care of YOURSELF, as you are important also.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#56545 - 12/12/03 10:33 AM Re: I love you !
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you SO VERY MUCH Leosha for sharing your feelings with me. I am starting to discover that I really underestimated the level of shame V is dealing with. Sure he has a very bad opinion of himself but I did not realize until now how bad that was because on the surface, Vincent appears (and really is)bright, focused, intelligent and good looking....I have to stop the list is too long \:D
You have helped me a lot here Leosha but my question to you would be : what helped you along the way ? Did the presence and support of loved ones made things worse or better in the sense that you have slowly managed to abandon your old self ?
I have been thinking about my own sabotage but I think my problem was more linked to my own fear of being raped, used, controled. But I have in me the same fears of not being good enough, of being dirty...How many times I have told myself that it was normal I was or would be rejected because I am stupid, ugly, fat...endless list there again. I doubt so much that sometimes the most obvious hints a guy likes me go blank in my head ! I have done a lot of work in that area but me liking myself has more to do with me liking my intellectual capacities that me liking myself as in liking my body. Is that the same for you ?
Sometimes I feel like V and I are like two mice stuck on a wheel. Will it ever end spinning ?
Many thanks again. I really appreciate your help and I am happy I have found you all ;\)
Love
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#56546 - 12/12/03 11:10 AM Re: I love you !
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Caro

I am still struggling with it, as my friends and 'special person' can tell you. I think it has helped me to have several unbelievable people who I simply cannot push away. I attempted to kill myself early in October. When I came home from hospital, five different friends had completely changed their schedules to take turns being home with me, so that I would not at all be alone for over 3 weeks. These are the amazing people who somehow understand me and do not allow me to push them away.

Only thing I can tell you is that it takes time. I know that is the last thing anyone wishes to hear, but honest, that is all I can think of. Time and consistency, to see that you do not leave. Each time I try to push Susanna or another friend away and they do NOT leave me, I get some stronger and learn to feel a little better of it. It is total unfair that I test them in this way, these are incredible people who should not have to prove themselves to me; and yet, they all do, without question.

I hope this helps. I wish you both good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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