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#56533 - 12/06/03 06:33 PM I love you !
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Sorry, I just needed to scream that to V. tonight. I am feeling sad and I don't know what to do anymore. It has been a week now and V. has been silent. I am left with all my questions and I am going crazy. What does he want me to do ? What is he trying to say ?
I love him but I feel whatever I do is wrong. I am so confused, I can't even call it a relationship because I hold on to nothing: this is not friendship, we are not lovers but we are not strangers, and we are a story. I hold on to nothing and he is not helping.
Is silence another sabotage technique ?
Please help.
Thank you
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#56534 - 12/08/03 02:36 PM Re: I love you !
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:


Is silence another sabotage technique ?
Please help.
Unfortunately, yes. Silence, acting out sexually with someone else, fighting, screaming, hurting others, its all in the name of pushing away those that are too uncomfortably close.

I can totally understand how you feel - i had a bad weekend too with my partner. We fought and fought, he gets so nasty and curses me out - If I had a dollar for every time he goes "fuck you I dont want to say anything to you" and the insults..... oh.. the insults, the not so thinly disguised insinuations that somehow there is something wrong with crying, with standing up for myself, etc, etc...

At least I can see an overall trend in my situation, but if there wasn't, I dont know how long I"d be able to hold on to this. Too much of this for too long without any change.. I dont think I could put up with much longer. As it is, I am having a hard time today.

P


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#56535 - 12/08/03 06:10 PM Re: I love you !
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Salut PAS

Merci pour ce petit mot qui me rassure. I had a terrible week end, having my own fears knocking at the door, taking me to the edge and to irrational behaviour like wanting to sabotage myself the relationship.
I know Vincent is sorting out heavy stuff right now. I have managed to hold on thanks to you guys (especially Theo who is fantastic !).
So tonight I have written a mail full of love, support, trust...I managed to share the feeling I have been having about his mother who abused him. I told him how much I hated her for what she had done to him. I told V. that even though we have been through a lot (meaning especially our big break up in July), I was still there, I was still holding on. I told him how much I love him and what I especially appreciate in him (being cared for, protected, supported...)
I really hope this letter has reached him. He was on the net tonight so he obviously got it !
My guardian angel is really testing my love and patience these days !
I am holding on and that's a miracle because being a survivor myself, I have never been that far emotionally with a guy. I am in unknown territory too and I am scared to death !
Love to all
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#56536 - 12/08/03 07:45 PM Re: I love you !
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Caro

Quote:
Is silence another sabotage technique ?
Yes, add it to the ever lengthening list.

Our 'map' of life was messed up big time as kids, we learned all the wrong stuff, and missed the right stuff.
And I have only just begun to re-learn some of it, at the age of 50. It's not easy.

Although I've been married for 29 years it's been very close to divorce for many of them.
I didn't know how to love, or even live alongside, my wife for much of the time. We lived in the same house, shared a bed, but led different emotional lives.

I wouldn't let her into mine, and I had little to offer. What I had I didn't trust myself enough to let go either.

We're not easy people Caro, and often if I felt that my wife was trying to get in to me emotionaly I would just retreat further and employ bigger and better sabotage. I became World class, an Olympian, at sabotage.

But she persisted, I'm healing, and we now share emotions.
It still scares me at times, but it's worth it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#56537 - 12/08/03 08:39 PM Re: I love you !
Didon Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/08/03
Posts: 1
Hey Caetel,
I know ... JC is the more talkative guy I know,and now he's been silent for months. I truly believe now silence is the worst thing. It destroys your confidence very slowly. Because you cannot fight silence with words. it simply doesn't work that way.
Don't know how long it may take, don't know if I did the right thing, don't know what he is thinking right now. He never replied my letters and I don't even know if he opened my mails ...
But like you, I have so much to tell him, I want so much to share my feelings with him, I have so many questions to ask him, I need so much his help.
I just do hope he's getting better, day after day.
I'm sure you're doing the right thing. When Vincent will need it, he will be able to grab your hands.
as Dave said, it's worth it !


Didon


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#56538 - 12/08/03 11:02 PM Re: I love you !
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi Everyone!

I don't know about y'all, but I am beginning to wonder if it isn't US who have the problem... WOW! What a bunch of masochists! We partners are all in so much pain! How'd we end up like this? HOw many of us are also survivors ourselves? Personally, in my case, if N. wants his space right now, HE CAN HAVE IT!!! I am going to take some time to enjoy all the wonderful things in my own life! I really hope he heals - and if he wants to find me, he knows where to look. I have certain parameters where I will contact him - holidays, for example, just to reassure him that I am still hovering on the sidelines, but right now it's the sidelines where I want to be. I am not going to let him take control of my emotions by letting him play into my fears of being abandonned. Enough is enough! I love him a lot, but I love ME more! I cannot do his work for him. And if he thinks I "am so close that I'm in back of him" (Groucho Marx) then it is up to N. to simply turn around so that I am once again "in front." I cannot do this for him. Yeah, I guess I'm angry. But not so much at N. as at the creepy selfish perp/ perps who have robbed the 2 of us of having a "normal" relationship (whatever that is). Hope you all find peace in yourselves!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#56539 - 12/09/03 09:59 AM Re: I love you !
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:

We lived in the same house, shared a bed,
I'm not even doing that these days..

just call me the "couch dweller".

P


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#56540 - 12/09/03 10:02 AM Re: I love you !
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I'm just a bit on the verge of this lately.. after our most recent fight.. I just dont wanna fight anymore.. and dont want to be in a bad mood.. sick of it all.. I am actually the one who is choosing to sleep on the couch and actually having some peace...

Am planning on doing a lot of stuff on my own for awhile too.. space? Have it! Here!! Take it! Take lots of it!!


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#56541 - 12/09/03 12:27 PM Re: I love you !
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
All - Thank you for sharing. Ultimately, we have to live our own lives. I have been in many of the place you are and that is the conclusion I have come to, and started living, a little while ago. it is making a difference on many levels.

Hope you have a great and very joyous holiday season and the happiest of New Years.

PEACE.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#56542 - 12/09/03 02:22 PM Re: I love you !
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Dear All

You have been talking about space, and also if I read well of not being emotionally dependent.
I am a survivor myself (remember I have been abused since I was 8 months old !!!!). All I have learnt is dysfunctional, wrong, twisted...All I knew about men was that they were violent, selfish, dangerous...I have done a tremendous amount of personal work this year in therapy. I am actually celebrating my first year in therapy this month. In my relationship with V my first concern was to break down the patterns of dysfunctionality with myself, kind of trying to deprograme myself from all this horrible brainwash.
My therapist gave me a good tip last year, she said that avoidance was fuel for our fears. I strongly believe that so every time something scared me in my relationship with V., I made the leap of faith to overcome my fear. I have been fighting against my own personal fears of being abandoned and I have slowly managed to trust V so when he wanted to be on his own, do his stuff , I would not follow him "to his cave" and would rather concentrate in doing my own things.
This is actually how I found you,guys, the night I decided to boycott a party when I knew V would be there and I would be feeling miserable because I could not really reach him there. So I decided to protect myself, stayed home and did something to overcome my frustration and my anger.
I have a very busy life so I am not sitting at home crying and waiting for V. to appear like Prince Charming ! I am sorting out my own problems like any normal adult.
I am proud to say that yesterday I was able to write him to let him know what was in my mind and in my heart. I shared especially my concerns about him being manipulated again by his mother and most of all I told him about all the anger I have for her because of what she did to him. I told him about my sadness and frustration because I don't know how to be there properly for him and because I don't know most of the time what he really needs.
I reassured him that I was still there to love and support him regardless of the break up and the difficulties we had last summer.
I am happy I have done that because I lately avoided talking to him about how I felt. I stopped sharing because I was too afraid to open up to him. I don't know if that helped us but it felt absolutely right at the time.
I just wanted to share that with you tonight. I am holding on. I did not realize until last week end how much V meant in my life, how much he feels my present life. I have thanked him for that and I want to thank him again for his love, care, support and protection.
Much love to you all
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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