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#56523 - 01/20/07 11:54 PM Why is this???
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I'm wondering why in the heck my husband gets so irritated and mad when I look sad or show that I'm sad about something. It's like it makes him mad to see me displaying my true feelings. My brain is analyzing this to death. Could it be b/c maybe he was threatened severely when he was abused that if he displayed his true emotions, don't cry or act sad or tell or you'll get hurt? So maybe he's treating me the same way he was treated? Can anyone shed any light on this one at all????

He also is VERY uncomfortable/irritated if I ask him to sit down next to me/be close to me - he's been that way for 14 yrs so I've asked very little of him in those ways to avoid conflict.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#56524 - 01/21/07 12:05 AM Re: Why is this???
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
He is threatened because he doesn't know how to deal with your emotions. Think of how children react to any strong emotion. We CSA victims are not much different in our reactions.

I'm not sure what to recommend to you. For myself, I had to teach myself to learn how to respond appropriately to others' emotions. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten better. It takes a lot of effort though, so it is probably something your husband will have to start on his own.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#56525 - 01/21/07 12:44 AM Re: Why is this??? *DELETED*
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Post deleted by selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#56526 - 01/21/07 08:35 AM Re: Why is this???
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
I think when I have acted out in this way I am angry at being leaned on, depended on. I think I harboured a lot of unexpressed resentment toward my wife and there was a fair amount of righteous indignation on my part that she would make emotional demands on me with all that I have to put up with.

But that was long before I started here and proper therapy (with a specialist). Now I am less defensive, and I hate her guts a lot less. I was angry that I felt she gave me nothing, no empathy, but expected me to not only be the dream fantasy partner but also her emotional crutch.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#56527 - 01/21/07 08:38 AM Re: Why is this???
abandoned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/07
Posts: 14
bh - my interpretation is that my bf was scared by my display of emotions he fought so hard to keep repressed himself

in fact, in trying to understand the lesson and my role in the pain of the last 2 years, I recognize my lesson is that what feels is hurting me can be 'not about me' and maybe my role has been to be display those feelings for him - to show him it can be done without dying ?

stephanie


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#56528 - 01/21/07 09:02 AM Re: Why is this???
abandoned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/07
Posts: 14
AS,

we were posting at the same time - your's answers what I learned fairly early in the relationship - that it just wasn't okay to need him for anything

I'd been single for 14 years (my ex-husband accused me of being 'too independent') so ok - but I did have an expectation of mutual emotional support but it became very inconsistent and one-sided - which triggered my abandonment anxiety

thanks for clarifying the thinking behind that issue

He made the statement once "I just want what everyone else does - someone to love" - that struck me as backwards because what I want is someone to love me - or am I the one thats backwards?

and besides that, I'm right here!! hello?

got any interpretation on that ?

thanks, stephanie


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#56529 - 01/21/07 09:43 AM Re: Why is this???
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
This may be scary, but I thought straight away 'MUM' or 'MOM' for you. I don't know, I mean I know, cos i relate, I feel what you wrote, but I haven't got a handle on it yet, not today, i've been typing day and I'm fried. But it sounds like a cry for MOM. I might be way off. I've been acting out a lot and in hindsight I've been going through a period where my wife was my mother and my abuser rolled into one, I wasn't talking to her, I was reacting/projecting or something like that. It's scary to snap out of it and realise that's what I am doing.

Due to my trouble with 'women' I think I really place unreasonable expectations on my wife, I think I was intolerant of her needs, and still am. I'm not for a minute saying I'm penitent or it was all my fault, I know better now, but it was a stage, it still is a stage. We have to ride it out.

Maybe he feels he needs someone to make him feel stable in his role as a man, now I'm reading too much in, but maybe. That could be a phase too, perhaps. Because I am starting to deal with how my social conditioning is entwined with my abuse, how one hand washes the other. The Mother and the cousin and the friend all rolled into one terrifying female figure that ruined my life.

But I don't know, if I was 3 months down the track I could access my intuition and probably have a much 'truer' answer, but that's all I can manage for now.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#138823 - 01/24/07 07:16 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: AshSurvived]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Very interesting replies....I love the insight you all have and it's helping me see how it's not something I should take personally.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#139076 - 01/26/07 07:37 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
compassion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Illinois, US
It crossed my mind that maybe you could let your brain rest. Our brains like to analyze, sort, solve, ask, but they need to "chill", too. I am a firm believer in communicating if he consistently avoids you, but sometimes...I think we have to self-soothe and when our partners don't meet our expectations (and don't get me started on the dangers of those slippery suckers)we have to still do what is best for us....sometimes for me that is to go to a movie by myself, get into a creative project and re-visit the heavy stuff later. When I get back...I am often less concerned with all the reasons he does or doesn't do.

_________________________
The ocean that flows in you; flows in me...all colors of humanity.

My "avatar" is a lotus...a beautiful flower that thrives in muddy water.

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#139162 - 01/26/07 09:00 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: compassion]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Wise words Compassion, for survivors too.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#139776 - 01/31/07 05:50 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: AshSurvived]
TheChildeRoland Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/30/07
Posts: 7
I am the same way. With CSA comes deep shame and in many families, you don't show the sadness because you don't want your family to find out, and especially in the case of oldest sons, you need to be strong. Therefore, we don't know how to handle others' sadness because it has been drilled in our minds that sadness=weakness=something to be ashamed of. I have had a few great girlfriends and this has always been a huge issue. I simply can't console them when they are sad and come off looking like a big jerk. It's not that I don't care, I just don't know how to deal with sad people.

That said, your husband needs to learn how to do this (and if he does, let me know how). Another poster said he's been described as an "emotional vampire". This is absolutely true, we will suck all the supportive emotion from you yet be unable to respond with our own. It needs to be fixed.


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#139951 - 02/01/07 09:52 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: TheChildeRoland]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Compassion, you are so right, I need to get away from this now and then....it is so consuming. I have to tell myself that nothing big/bad is going to happen if I go off to enjoy something.

And ChildeRoland, "emotional vampire" just is so fitting. It is just so hard to give and give and receive nada in return....I don't know how long anyone can do that for sure. It's strange, when we first were dating, he could console me. He would hug me and I felt so comforted.....I felt I didn't get enough of that from my parents so actually it was something that I really noticed about him, a very good thing. But these days, he's very different. Even if he were faking it back then, he at least had an idea of what to do. Maybe he just got tired of faking it and feels stressed when I have needs too b/c he just really doesn't know how to deal w/ them. Or maybe he's just so stressed with a short fuse these days that he doesn't take the time to really see what's going on, he just stresses out. Any survivor who has learned how to respond to others' emotional needs, please post here! Maybe I need to make that a new topic on its own.

He's been stressed about work and tonight I asked if he'd like a foot massage. He said, "No, I don't like it." I said, "You used to." He said, "I don't anymore." I said, "Why?" He said, "I just don't!" (And fyi, it was always just that, a foot massage, w/ no leading up to other things).

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#140125 - 02/03/07 08:48 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

Boy, did I drive my wife crazy for years with this stuff.

My wife is a insulin dependant type one diabetic, she has a few other periferil problems due to that as well. She has good days & bad days or weeks, even months. But if anyone was to ask how she & I were doing my answer was alway "fine". This used to drive her nuts, although I didn't know it till after I started dealing with my issues, it began piecing alot of the puzzle together in her mind of how I ticked. For me to admit to anyone (including myself) that there is a problem in my/our life would draw unwanted scrutny, also would trigger the fear in me of things not being under "control".

She would of course would think I didn't care or was blind to her pains, she didn't know that it was merely flawed a coping skill of mine born out of my own pain and not about her. After we both figured that out we had a good laugh about it. We say that we're from the island of misfit toys, for all you old Santa Clause is coming to town fans, you know what I mean.


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#140197 - 02/03/07 05:00 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: George]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
George, you made me laugh w/ your "island of misfit toys" part. It gives me hope that my husband's eyes will one day be opened to all these little things by a patient and knowledgeable T. It's so weird, because if you take away all the defective stuff caused by his csa, we really get along great and are truly compatible and could be really, REALLY very happy together. I guess that is why I am willing to give us a chance, with him seeing a good T, of course, and deciding to really work on these things, and not run away, and take a couple of years or more if necessary, for us to get to that happy state. That hope together with my strong faith in God are the only things holding me together most days.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#140680 - 02/07/07 09:22 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: selene]
brill Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/05/07
Posts: 26
Loc: I'm now known as 'frost'.
Originally Posted By: selene
.. hey bh, in addition to what nobby said, i know that my husband feels tremendously responsible for causing me to cry or be sad ... when it's something that is *clearly* not his fault, like when my dog died, he's fine with me sobbing my heart out ... but even now, although he does understand how i feel about our situation and that it does hurt me terribly .. and even though he's made great progress as far as emotions and everything ... he will still react in a *very* slightly irritated way if i get weepy or sad or whatever ... but it's gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better ...

... let me clarify, the emotion he has seems like "irritation" from my perspective ... but i now know it's really him being irritated at himself ...

hugs,
selene


BrokenHearted,

Selene hit the nail on the head. I get extremely frustrated when my wife is upset for any reason that my mind can twist to be my fault... Which is most things.

_________________________
I'm now known as 'frost'.

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