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#139776 - 01/31/07 05:50 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: AshSurvived]
TheChildeRoland Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/30/07
Posts: 7
I am the same way. With CSA comes deep shame and in many families, you don't show the sadness because you don't want your family to find out, and especially in the case of oldest sons, you need to be strong. Therefore, we don't know how to handle others' sadness because it has been drilled in our minds that sadness=weakness=something to be ashamed of. I have had a few great girlfriends and this has always been a huge issue. I simply can't console them when they are sad and come off looking like a big jerk. It's not that I don't care, I just don't know how to deal with sad people.

That said, your husband needs to learn how to do this (and if he does, let me know how). Another poster said he's been described as an "emotional vampire". This is absolutely true, we will suck all the supportive emotion from you yet be unable to respond with our own. It needs to be fixed.


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#139951 - 02/01/07 09:52 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: TheChildeRoland]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Compassion, you are so right, I need to get away from this now and then....it is so consuming. I have to tell myself that nothing big/bad is going to happen if I go off to enjoy something.

And ChildeRoland, "emotional vampire" just is so fitting. It is just so hard to give and give and receive nada in return....I don't know how long anyone can do that for sure. It's strange, when we first were dating, he could console me. He would hug me and I felt so comforted.....I felt I didn't get enough of that from my parents so actually it was something that I really noticed about him, a very good thing. But these days, he's very different. Even if he were faking it back then, he at least had an idea of what to do. Maybe he just got tired of faking it and feels stressed when I have needs too b/c he just really doesn't know how to deal w/ them. Or maybe he's just so stressed with a short fuse these days that he doesn't take the time to really see what's going on, he just stresses out. Any survivor who has learned how to respond to others' emotional needs, please post here! Maybe I need to make that a new topic on its own.

He's been stressed about work and tonight I asked if he'd like a foot massage. He said, "No, I don't like it." I said, "You used to." He said, "I don't anymore." I said, "Why?" He said, "I just don't!" (And fyi, it was always just that, a foot massage, w/ no leading up to other things).

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#140125 - 02/03/07 08:48 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

Boy, did I drive my wife crazy for years with this stuff.

My wife is a insulin dependant type one diabetic, she has a few other periferil problems due to that as well. She has good days & bad days or weeks, even months. But if anyone was to ask how she & I were doing my answer was alway "fine". This used to drive her nuts, although I didn't know it till after I started dealing with my issues, it began piecing alot of the puzzle together in her mind of how I ticked. For me to admit to anyone (including myself) that there is a problem in my/our life would draw unwanted scrutny, also would trigger the fear in me of things not being under "control".

She would of course would think I didn't care or was blind to her pains, she didn't know that it was merely flawed a coping skill of mine born out of my own pain and not about her. After we both figured that out we had a good laugh about it. We say that we're from the island of misfit toys, for all you old Santa Clause is coming to town fans, you know what I mean.


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#140197 - 02/03/07 05:00 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: George]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
George, you made me laugh w/ your "island of misfit toys" part. It gives me hope that my husband's eyes will one day be opened to all these little things by a patient and knowledgeable T. It's so weird, because if you take away all the defective stuff caused by his csa, we really get along great and are truly compatible and could be really, REALLY very happy together. I guess that is why I am willing to give us a chance, with him seeing a good T, of course, and deciding to really work on these things, and not run away, and take a couple of years or more if necessary, for us to get to that happy state. That hope together with my strong faith in God are the only things holding me together most days.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#140680 - 02/07/07 09:22 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: selene]
brill Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/05/07
Posts: 26
Loc: I'm now known as 'frost'.
Originally Posted By: selene
.. hey bh, in addition to what nobby said, i know that my husband feels tremendously responsible for causing me to cry or be sad ... when it's something that is *clearly* not his fault, like when my dog died, he's fine with me sobbing my heart out ... but even now, although he does understand how i feel about our situation and that it does hurt me terribly .. and even though he's made great progress as far as emotions and everything ... he will still react in a *very* slightly irritated way if i get weepy or sad or whatever ... but it's gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better ...

... let me clarify, the emotion he has seems like "irritation" from my perspective ... but i now know it's really him being irritated at himself ...

hugs,
selene


BrokenHearted,

Selene hit the nail on the head. I get extremely frustrated when my wife is upset for any reason that my mind can twist to be my fault... Which is most things.

_________________________
I'm now known as 'frost'.

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