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#56523 - 01/20/07 11:54 PM Why is this???
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I'm wondering why in the heck my husband gets so irritated and mad when I look sad or show that I'm sad about something. It's like it makes him mad to see me displaying my true feelings. My brain is analyzing this to death. Could it be b/c maybe he was threatened severely when he was abused that if he displayed his true emotions, don't cry or act sad or tell or you'll get hurt? So maybe he's treating me the same way he was treated? Can anyone shed any light on this one at all????

He also is VERY uncomfortable/irritated if I ask him to sit down next to me/be close to me - he's been that way for 14 yrs so I've asked very little of him in those ways to avoid conflict.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#56524 - 01/21/07 12:05 AM Re: Why is this???
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
He is threatened because he doesn't know how to deal with your emotions. Think of how children react to any strong emotion. We CSA victims are not much different in our reactions.

I'm not sure what to recommend to you. For myself, I had to teach myself to learn how to respond appropriately to others' emotions. I still struggle with it, but I have gotten better. It takes a lot of effort though, so it is probably something your husband will have to start on his own.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#56525 - 01/21/07 12:44 AM Re: Why is this??? *DELETED*
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Post deleted by selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#56526 - 01/21/07 08:35 AM Re: Why is this???
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
I think when I have acted out in this way I am angry at being leaned on, depended on. I think I harboured a lot of unexpressed resentment toward my wife and there was a fair amount of righteous indignation on my part that she would make emotional demands on me with all that I have to put up with.

But that was long before I started here and proper therapy (with a specialist). Now I am less defensive, and I hate her guts a lot less. I was angry that I felt she gave me nothing, no empathy, but expected me to not only be the dream fantasy partner but also her emotional crutch.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#56527 - 01/21/07 08:38 AM Re: Why is this???
abandoned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/07
Posts: 14
bh - my interpretation is that my bf was scared by my display of emotions he fought so hard to keep repressed himself

in fact, in trying to understand the lesson and my role in the pain of the last 2 years, I recognize my lesson is that what feels is hurting me can be 'not about me' and maybe my role has been to be display those feelings for him - to show him it can be done without dying ?

stephanie


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#56528 - 01/21/07 09:02 AM Re: Why is this???
abandoned Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/12/07
Posts: 14
AS,

we were posting at the same time - your's answers what I learned fairly early in the relationship - that it just wasn't okay to need him for anything

I'd been single for 14 years (my ex-husband accused me of being 'too independent') so ok - but I did have an expectation of mutual emotional support but it became very inconsistent and one-sided - which triggered my abandonment anxiety

thanks for clarifying the thinking behind that issue

He made the statement once "I just want what everyone else does - someone to love" - that struck me as backwards because what I want is someone to love me - or am I the one thats backwards?

and besides that, I'm right here!! hello?

got any interpretation on that ?

thanks, stephanie


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#56529 - 01/21/07 09:43 AM Re: Why is this???
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
This may be scary, but I thought straight away 'MUM' or 'MOM' for you. I don't know, I mean I know, cos i relate, I feel what you wrote, but I haven't got a handle on it yet, not today, i've been typing day and I'm fried. But it sounds like a cry for MOM. I might be way off. I've been acting out a lot and in hindsight I've been going through a period where my wife was my mother and my abuser rolled into one, I wasn't talking to her, I was reacting/projecting or something like that. It's scary to snap out of it and realise that's what I am doing.

Due to my trouble with 'women' I think I really place unreasonable expectations on my wife, I think I was intolerant of her needs, and still am. I'm not for a minute saying I'm penitent or it was all my fault, I know better now, but it was a stage, it still is a stage. We have to ride it out.

Maybe he feels he needs someone to make him feel stable in his role as a man, now I'm reading too much in, but maybe. That could be a phase too, perhaps. Because I am starting to deal with how my social conditioning is entwined with my abuse, how one hand washes the other. The Mother and the cousin and the friend all rolled into one terrifying female figure that ruined my life.

But I don't know, if I was 3 months down the track I could access my intuition and probably have a much 'truer' answer, but that's all I can manage for now.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#138823 - 01/24/07 07:16 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: AshSurvived]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Very interesting replies....I love the insight you all have and it's helping me see how it's not something I should take personally.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#139076 - 01/26/07 07:37 AM Re: Why is this??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
compassion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Illinois, US
It crossed my mind that maybe you could let your brain rest. Our brains like to analyze, sort, solve, ask, but they need to "chill", too. I am a firm believer in communicating if he consistently avoids you, but sometimes...I think we have to self-soothe and when our partners don't meet our expectations (and don't get me started on the dangers of those slippery suckers)we have to still do what is best for us....sometimes for me that is to go to a movie by myself, get into a creative project and re-visit the heavy stuff later. When I get back...I am often less concerned with all the reasons he does or doesn't do.

_________________________
The ocean that flows in you; flows in me...all colors of humanity.

My "avatar" is a lotus...a beautiful flower that thrives in muddy water.

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#139162 - 01/26/07 09:00 PM Re: Why is this??? [Re: compassion]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Wise words Compassion, for survivors too.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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