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#56499 - 12/05/03 03:30 PM Re: If I suspect SA, should I bring up the topic???
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
I'd be careful on the phone messages. It is great to let him know you are there & that you care, but you also need to show him that you respect his boundaries & his choice to be alone & not talk to you. It is a difficult balancing act & every time my ex bf would retreat into silence it was different, so there isn't a real easy answer about that. Just try to keep in mind that a) he needs to have the right/control to be able to say when he wants to talk & to whom and b) he may feel very insecure or isolated & may appreciate a friendly message that people out there still care...

Finally, I'd encourage you to also keep in mind that HE is ultimately responsible for communicating his needs & it isn't your job to take that on. It can be really stressful & a real energy zap to wonder what the right thing to do is when the person you are dealing with won't communicate! So take care of yourself & nurture yourself!

-BB.


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#56500 - 12/05/03 07:02 PM Re: If I suspect SA, should I bring up the topic???
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks everyone! You can't believe what a relief it is just to be able to communicate about all this! Yes - N. does know about my history, but I have always discussed it in a matter-of-fact, affectless way: I've never really let him experience me as being in pain or out of control with it. I guess that's why he's opened up at all but not completely. I think I may be inadvertently giving the impression that I think it's somehow "easy" to recover from this kind of wounding. Well, all I can say is that I am learning - about both of us - every day. And to all of you who have been so generous - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#56501 - 12/05/03 07:38 PM Re: If I suspect SA, should I bring up the topic???
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
BB
You're spot on there.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#56502 - 12/08/03 02:50 PM Re: If I suspect SA, should I bring up the topic???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
My technique for encouraging talking generally involved pushing.. at first.. and then I realized that it wasn't working.

The only advice I can give is if the current approach you are taking to try and get him to open up is not working, try something different. If you are pushing, try to walk away once in awhile. The ensuing silence may just be deafening enough for him to want to come around. I found that eventually my partner *did* come around - not on the time schedule that i wanted, but eventually.

P


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#56503 - 12/08/03 05:34 PM Re: If I suspect SA, should I bring up the topic???
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
PAS - you are just sooooo cool!!!!

I am really indebted to you for all your help!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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