Rosa / PAS
try not to look at this as anything purely SEXUAL but a way that your partner is expressing his anxiety about the closeness there is in the relationship. Remember that emotional closeness is a big fat source of anxiety for your partner
This IS the root of it, intimacy and betrayal.
We were "loved and dropped" just when we were supposed to be getting all the good healthy influences that make a child grow up into a healthy adult.
They told us they loved us, we believed them. Kid's believe adults don't they ?
Then they desert us, bastards !
So trusting ourselves in an intimate relationship is difficult. I realise now just how much of an act I lived for over 20 years. Yes, I did love my wife and she loved me. But I didn't trust myself to .....lose myself in that love.
It's what therapists call unconditional positive regard, and it's something everyone expects from infancy. A baby expects to be fed without giving anything in return, a child seeks affection, trust and love, without having to give something in return. They do give something, but that's a voluntary response.
Abuse creates a situation where the child receives 'love' and pays a price, we paid more than the abusers will ever know.
And the lasting effect is that we carry on that behaviour as an adult - we receive, and we still expect to pay the price. Conditional regard.
So to avoid paying the price we retreat and hide, we don't let people in close enough, or let them give us anything, without the fear of paying the price.
Intimacy is the most precious of gifts between partners, and one that is given completely unconditionally by 'normal' people, but we don't know or trust that concept.
So we show our partners a persona that we can construct at will, just for them. We hide behind it, and when we don't need it we let it fall.
At least that's how I was, everyone's different although some bits seem to stick to most of us.
It's not a good place to be, it's hard work keeping up the show. And I never did get an Oscar nomination.
But my wife prefers the new "me" or should that be the "real me" ? yes it should. I have my faults god knows I do, but at least they're MY faults now.
Intimacy ? I still struggle with it. But she knows I do so she's helping me overcome my little problem. This could take a while to fix