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#56207 - 07/25/03 09:51 AM Re: Chemical Castration
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Everyone thank you for your support and information and advice. I am seeing my psychiatrist today and I am finally going to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and have a really good discussion about this issue.
Murray- Thanks for the great information
Lloyd, bec and Cement- Appreciate your comments
Danny - I know I am not alone with this now!!
Steve- Well you know how I feel about your comments. Thanks
Mec-all that info-Wow- I have never had the guts to look it up, fear factor I guess.

Ron-thanks but I could not read it for some reason

I will let you guys all know about my talk today

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#56208 - 07/25/03 01:52 PM Re: Chemical Castration
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Mikey, you sure have a lot of support here.

I do not want to seem to dismiss any of your pain. At the same time, I have to tell you that I remember what erections felt like, and I would give anything to have one these days--it has been several years now!

Your main point, if I got it correctly, is that you are worried about thinking about going to the streets again. I sure can understand that fear. But, you know, you are a much different man today. It may seem like a real threat and maybe it is. But, I think you will be able to keep yourself from going there.

Dr. Murray gives you some good advice about what medications can do. I know this Mikey, there is no way I would ever take medical castration unless I was a consistent threat to others. A sex offender. Otherwise, forget it.

I hope that the talk goes well. I didn't get the idea that the erections are the biggest worry. I think it is the other point.
I really doubt that it is something you would do. but I understand the fear of it.

We do get some really strong and scarey thoughts at times, but we have lots more strength these days to maintain our boundaries and to respect others boundaries.

Peace brother.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#56209 - 07/25/03 06:46 PM Re: Chemical Castration
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I say Shree today and we had a good talk. Steve I let it all hang out. What a relief. I told him I was terrified of re-enacting my sa. In a sick way I still remember being wanted. Yeh Right!!! I was just a piece of meat.

He told me that what I was experiencing apart from the erections is the cirlce of anxiety. I would get anxious about not acting out and look for a solution and it would increase and increase in the past until I would actually act it out. Then I would feel remorse or guilt and pain then the anxiety again slowly building. He told me that there may be no answer for the erections and that I was looking for something that possibly might not exist.

He asked me when I was not bothered or anxious. I told him that when I was working out or biking or really busy it never entered my mind but watching tv or relaxing or day dreaming at work it came back.. He said the erections may be residual release left over. I dont know.

He told me to keep busy at anything and everything. I have broken the circle of anxiety and just do not realize it.

He maintained my meds at 150mg of effexor and 150mg of welbrutin.

I want to thank all of you here for the support you have given me. It gave me the courage to actually get in all out.

Shree said to never ever to consider the chemical stuff.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#56210 - 07/25/03 09:12 PM Re: Chemical Castration
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike
that's great news, and it shows the power of opening our mouths and asking for help.

Just because we've done it once when we started recovery it doesn't mean we can't do it again as we go along.

I understand the fear of acting out again, I still have it and it's terrifying.
At the moment I have a lot of outside stress, sick parents and all manner of crap going on, and I can feel the old 'comforts' simmering away in the background. They taunt me, tell me I can escape from the crap for a while.

My best defence is remembering the guilt and shame of acting out, it's something I loath with a vengence; but I never want to forget the memories of that self loathing.
If I can keep that memory with me, it puts the outside crap into perspective. And 'life' can't throw anything at me that's as bad as I've thrown at myself

If I can't make myself forget everything completely and utterly, then I need to remember it clearly.

Not to dwell on it, not to distort it like I used to; but to understand it as best I can.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#56211 - 07/25/03 11:17 PM Re: Chemical Castration
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Dave Thank you.
Quote:
If I can't make myself forget everything completely and utterly, then I need to remember it clearly.
That is exactly what I needed to hear. God it is so true. I can never forget but I must also guard against glossing it over. I have to remember it in all its loathsome glory so to speak. The torment, the pain and the guilt from acting out. God I never want to forget that.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#56212 - 07/26/03 03:02 AM Re: Chemical Castration
muffin Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Washinton
Mikey,

It's really your decision, obviously, but don't be too hard on yourself. I get an erection sometimes when something brushes against me, simply. And also, now the "official word" is that nocturnal erections are always sexual, but I think this is baloney. When I squeeze the muscle that prevents me from peeing, that's also the muscle that makes the penis more erect, I guess because it cuts off both urine and blood at the same time. Anyway, all I'm saying is that you may be having an erection because you're nervous of losing control, nervous of peeing in bed, or something like that. I say, take things one step at a time, and don't punish yourself.

Muffin


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#56213 - 08/01/03 08:19 PM Re: Chemical Castration
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I am going absolutley crazy. The urge to re-enact is so powerful. I have made an appointment to talk to the Clark Institute On Tuesday at 2.30 pm. I have to do something. I am terrified that if I re-enact I will harm myself. I have thought a lot about that lately.

If I do not keep busy doing something I cannot get it off my mind. I can almost taste it it is so close and calling me like a rotten fruit.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#56214 - 08/01/03 08:35 PM Re: Chemical Castration
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mikey,

What else is going on? What's bringing the urge back to you now? Or what other recent healthy changes have you made, that removed some other crutch?

I think you're looking at a pretty drastic treatment. I hope you can find a better way to get through this. No matter what you do, remember that we are here.

Your brother,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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