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#56185 - 08/13/02 01:57 PM need to talk, desperate
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
Hi!

I have started to get new sensations and it scares me!

I slowly start to grasp the fact that I am a guy. I know I am physically, but this is more than that. It is psychological. I really start to get it into my head: I am a guy. This means that I have been awfully hurt and no one took care of it, no one. I was left alone.

I feel such rage burning iside me, it overwhelms me. Don't know what to do. When I sit on the subway and another guy sits opposite I want to hit him really hard, really hurt him. I fancied today that I wanted to slit another guy's face, tear it into pieces. Also today I wanted to destroy the whole train or the classroom I was sitting in earlier today. This rage that I am just starting to feel is enormous. I don't know how to handle it. I know this is the right way, but all those 25 years I took care of it myself and I was the nice guy. Now I want to scream and tell every one that I exist and they ought to see me now. It is about time.

I know that other guys haven't done me any harm, but somehow in my mind I project the image of my father on them. Well, he was my role model and he destroyed me in so many ways. But I want to climb back. I really don't know what to do, my head is just spinning, I want to meet other guys who understand.

I am scared, don't know what to do!
How can I be this angry? I am so angry I could do almost anything. But I keep it all inside, push it back. Who can I show my rage? I need to be seen and heard for who I am.

Thanks for letting me write!

Erik

_________________________
Erik

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#56186 - 08/13/02 04:26 PM Re: need to talk, desperate
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
Hi, Erik

I know how you feel. I went through a period of anger myself. I remember feeling the same way, wanting to tear the room apart or the world if possible, rip my abuser to pieces if possible, and I was ready to take my rage out on anyone who dared look at me the wrong way, or any slightest provocation. My anger was like a volcano, just waiting to erupt.

I believe this is a normal stage of healing, after all, You and I have a been hurt deeply.

I was/and somtimes still am, so furious because of the excruciating pain I was/am in, and it was all the abusers fault. I felt like life was so unfair, I was sexuall and physically abused by my Stepfather for about 9 years. I was so angry at God for allowing it to happen,at my mother for not protecting me after she found out the abuse was taking place. Angry at everyone who had ever insulted me or harmed me in anyway.
I now understand the rightous anger, and I know it has its place. I also saw a pattern of deep depression and how it was mostly repressed Anger because after all, if I didn't repress some of those unquenchable rages I might have just lost it, and done who knows what!! So most of the time I ended up depressed, because if I allowed the rage to come out it was to scary or even illegal, I could have gotton into alot of trouble if I would have acted out some of the stuff that would cross my mind.
Something that really helped me get the anger out was journaling and writing, as if I were speaking directly to the abuser and other people who had hurt me. Oh, I let them have it (on papper that is) and most of the words I used where the foulest word in the dictionary. Another thing that helped me, was roleplaying with my thearapist, in an exersise where you put an object in front of you like and empty chair, and picture the abuser or whoever you wish, and speak out loud about how furious you are at them. I know it sound kinda out their, but it acctually works.
One more thing I've learned, anger is a very natural reaction and even healthy to some extent, I finally figured out I rather be angry than depressed.
It can also take its toll on you though, if you walk around furios all the time,( I had bleeding ulcers at one point) so all in all I have learned balance is the ideal, when it comes to anger.
Over all I say be Angry, very very angry but try to find some good ways of venting it. Take care of yourself first and formost. You are worth it.

Best wishes, Dan


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#56187 - 08/13/02 11:41 PM Re: need to talk, desperate
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Erik,
That kind of anger is really scary, like you're going crazy or something. But I think its a good sign, better than depression. You're starting to crack open, not crack up. The good news is that it will pass, just wash right through you like a bad case of diarrhea. It will visit you again, but nothing like the first overwhelming wave.
When I first experienced my murderous rage a few years ago I needed to demolish something. I rather calmly got up, went into the kitchen, got out all my dishes -- 8 each of dinner plates, salad plates, cups, saucers, and bowls. I went outside to the patio, and at first gently, the finally furiously started throwing them on the cement. It sounds a little weird and melodramatic but was very gratifying. Lots of noise, smashing and crashing, and a huge mess to clean up! I left the mess there for about two months and got a strange feeling of satisfaction every time I looked at it. Cleaning it up was therapeutic, too, like I was moving on. I hope that helps, it worked for me.

Roy


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#56188 - 08/14/02 05:02 AM Re: need to talk, desperate
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Good ideas but I go with Roy's for the best immediate relief.

Smash something if you can. Or get a punching bag and beat on it until you're exhausted. Take an axe handle to an old washing machine or even a tree stump or something.

Just be careful - wear goggles if you're gonna smash something that will send pieces flying. And the axe handle is very strong - a wooden baseball bat will break - I speak from experience.

Erik, the rage will pass, and anger is not a bad thing, it's real, and normal and understandable. The way you're feeling is a good thing really, just let it out in a safe way.

Take care of yourself, and whatever you decide to do, take a swing or smash something for me too!

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#56189 - 08/16/02 01:41 AM Re: need to talk, desperate
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 65
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I understand.
I get up everyday now with the knowledge and some memory of what my father did to me. He beat me and raped me; he screamed and mentally conditioned me. for years, until I was 14 and he skipped town...my only freedom, my only end to it is that he left town and didnt look back. Ive felt RAGE my whole teen and adult life but at what I wasnt for sure. I kept it in; Ive always been the good guy, the nice man! Im so afraid to let it out, afriad I might hurt someone, do something uncorrectable. So what do you do with this spite and fear and anger, how do you let it go without danger? I do not know myself; Ive been struggling for years. Afraid of any man and his manipulations, his anger; terrorfied of most people, forced to interact in a world of people but afraid to belong. But i want to belong.


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#56190 - 08/16/02 09:48 AM Re: need to talk, desperate
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Aptrick,

Your words about anger could have been written by me. I have no wisdom for moving beyond that though. I was talking with my therapist about that just this week. He said to allow myself to experience the emotions (including) anger since all the evidence of my life is that I won't do somthing horrilbe if I do anything.

It still doesn't feel that way but the evidence of my past actions do say I won't hurt anyone.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#56191 - 08/16/02 11:48 AM Re: need to talk, desperate
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I drive along on my own, and shout and scream sometimes....
I feel better as well
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#56192 - 08/16/02 12:39 PM Re: need to talk, desperate
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Several years ago there was a debate about whether or not we should physically express our rage and hit things, scream etc. As far as I know, the counselors believing in expression won out.

We need to express those powerful emotions. Pent up inside they do awful things to our mind and body.

I agree that we need to be careful that when we express them no one, including ourselves, gets hurt. I have also come to watch that I do not break something that I will need to replace--can't afford that.

But the fellows here have mentioned some healthy ways to express it. A plastic bat and a pillow does real well for me. I have to go ourside the house to do it becuase I like to yell and cuss when I vent. I don't want to get sent to the psychiatric ward for taking care of myself. But who has a right to feel murderous rage, if not us?
Anger is a good emotion when used correctly.
Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#56193 - 08/19/02 11:34 PM Re: need to talk, desperate
Starman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Tennessee
As one who has taught anger management classes, I can tell you, GET MAD!!!! Just do it appropriately. Anger is not a negative thing. It's energy produced by hurt and a deep sense of injustice. Trying to deny anger results in pressure building up and often coming out in inappropriate ways, like an exploding pressure cooker. The other guys have given some really great suggestions about hitting something or smashing something. I have trained myself to always grab CHEAP stuff to smash!!!! It is also very good and very effective if you can get some person that you trust and who can handle it to watch you and even urge you on as you express your anger by hitting a tree or beating up some (CHEAP) object with a hammer or piece of wood.
If we have a support person to see us express our anger, it helps us to feel as if someone has (FINALLY) heard us. I know much of my life I felt as if no one ever heard what I was saying.
Finally, anger at men is normal in your case, but not appropriate. ALL men didn't hurt you, so don't put them all in the same caregory. When that feeling comes to you, close your eyes, take a deep breath and say to yourself "That's NOT the one who hurt me" and repeat it several times. Putting your anger on other innocent men is letting the pressure cooker explode. It hurts you and all those around you. Focus the anger on the proper object, not innocent men who, for all you may know, may have also experienced the same pain and may still be holding it inside.
I wish you the best. I've been there and done that. I almost destroyed some good relationships by allowing my anger to explode onto innocent people close to me. If I can help, send me a private message and we'll talk.
Starman


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#56194 - 08/20/02 05:29 PM Re: need to talk, desperate
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
Hi!

I wanted to express my gratitude over all your replies and I will read them all again.

Right now I am just getting started in my new job, life for me is a bit hectic for a while.

However, I will be back.

Erik

_________________________
Erik

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