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#55933 - 12/24/06 01:19 PM Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi All
I am a male based in the UK. I was raped by two men eight years ago. I pushed the whole event to the back of my mind and buried it until now.

I recently(back in April) went on a rugby tour to Holland with a club that I play for, I do not drink alcohol but i did and I let it all out and that has now started me on the road to "recovery" although i have the HIV cloud looming over head.

I hate what they did to me and what I had to do for them. They made me feel so dirty and kept on telling me that i wanted it and how much i am enjoying it. The whole event felt as if it was never going to end and will i survive it.

I do not go out cycling along the back country lanes any longer as a result of it and I have just started running again.

duncan UK

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55934 - 12/24/06 01:23 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, welcome.
Thanks for posting, but what? Makes you think that you have HIV.

Go for the test to put your mind straight, there is nothing worse than thinking you have a disease.
I hope you are clear,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55935 - 12/24/06 02:46 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Ste

its just that my attackers said they would give me something so i could remember it for the rest of my life. I will be going for a test in the new year

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55936 - 12/24/06 02:54 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, I hope you know who they are and at least report them.
When you go for the test, you can ask for a fast track result.

When you get the result they will lock the door, dont worry that is procedure whether positive or negative.

Just make sure you go for the test, its not easy to do, but you must keep your mind safe, so make sure you go,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55937 - 12/24/06 02:57 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste,

I dont know who my attackers are i had never met them before. They just took me by suprise and at first i though it was a dream.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55938 - 12/24/06 03:07 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, if you can, tell the cops, stop them doing it to others.
It is more than rape, its intent to cause serious harm.

Hope you can tell them,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55939 - 12/24/06 03:17 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste

I have seen the police but they cannot do anything as it was eight years ago. I have nightmares about the whole thing and my body does things (ejaculation) or i feel like i am been f***** up the a*** and this makes me want to cry.

I stop myself from crying and try to shut off my emotions just as i had to do for my attackers. I can see and hear them in my mind and it plays over and over...... day and night.

I wish that i had not gone out that day or if i had a time machine go back and warn myself. But Iknow that will never be. I still dont know why i was targeted... i get nervous when i am out or if i decide to go out for a bike ride as some guys pull up in their cars when i am at the lights and say "sexy legs" etc...

This makes me even more paranoid have a got a sign that says "rape" on it? I will be seeing a counsellor in the new year as i have let the anger and hate take me over and I have to stop this.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55940 - 12/24/06 05:20 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, anger and hate just eat at yourself, not them, nobody can go back and stop time.
Keep your mind on track by getting out, counting numbers or whatever.

Its a wonder nobody else has reported a similar attack, then again, some cannot do it.
I hope the test proves negative,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55941 - 12/24/06 06:17 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste, I will be taking kickboxing up again in the new year after an eight year break. I can vent my anger out on a punch bag perhaps i will feel better for it.

But I just find it very difficult shutting all that has happened out. I play rugby at the weekends but i never shower after the games. I just want to get out as soon as i can after the game.

Its not the guys at the club i think its just an extension of my paranoia. I shun all contact, I hate it when guys touch me on the shoulder. I have been thinking of coming over to the USA next year for a holiday in one of the national parks. I like backpacking out in wilderness away from everyone.

Perhaps I might be able to "find" myself again as there are days when I feel so lost in all the emotions and anger. I find it very difficult to let go of the hate within me and you are right the anger and hate have almost completely taken me over at times.

When the days over here start stretching out again and the evenings are lighter i will start going out running again. But I say that now and then i will "chicken" out. I have told a few close friends what had happened and i wish i could talk about to them but i find it difficult.

I also suspect they find it difficult to talk to me about it. I told my mother about it and she said why didn't i fight back. I just froze.

I think about that day in day out... I could have done this, I could have done that. But its easy to say after the event, and now I have the HIV could hanging over me. I really do hope it is negative.

I dont know what to do if the result comes back positive. I always tend to look at the "darkside" and then when it comes back negative i can say to myself "what was all the fuss about?"

I am scared about seeing a counsellor next year. I am not sure why. I sometimes sit at my computer scouring the internet for answers to male rape. but there really are no answers.

Thats how i found this site and i am pleased that i did been able to share with everyone what is on my mind is something of an emotional relief. Perhaps when i close my eyes to night i can tell the demons to go away and not be up until the early hours of the morning.

Everything about the event i can remember and it makes me sick thinking about it. like right now the anger and hate is starting to flow inside of me.

I do have things to occupy my mind with like looking after my 15 spiders. I have also been told by my doctor that one visit with the counsellor will not make it all go away.

But i will conquer this and I will win.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55942 - 12/24/06 07:18 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, there is no magical way of relieving it, but doing things you like to do is a way forward.
This Country UK, is hopeless at treating ppl like you or me, totally useless.

It took me many years to go and get tested, and when it came back total negative it was a great weight off my shoulders, but because I left it so long, I kept thinking the test was wrong, and why? Did they not find something.

Make a resolution to go to the clinic, its over in no time,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55943 - 12/24/06 07:56 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
ste,

I am scared that it will come back positive and if it was to what do i do then? I agree the UK offers no support at all. It is useless like our politicians.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55944 - 12/24/06 08:46 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, I put it off for many years, and it was real tough, but I made myself go.
Whether its positive or negative, you need to know one way or the other.

They are specialist units and deal with all manner of things, you can tell them what happened or not if you wish.

Chances are it would have affected you by now, it also means you may have developed 'ghost' symptoms, so get it checked,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55945 - 12/24/06 09:00 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
ste

I my doctor advised me to get tested. I told him exactly the same thing that I would know by now. He said the virus can be "dormant" for many years before becoming active.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55946 - 12/24/06 09:39 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Get the doc to do a blood test, save you going to the clinic.
Dont put it off, I know just how hard that one was, and I put it off since I was a kid.

Thats what made it harder for me,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55947 - 12/24/06 10:46 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
ste
I am sorry to hear that you had to put if off since you were a kid!!! that must of been even more traumatic for you. And here I am worrying over my "little" thing.... If you want to talk about it ste I am here to listen.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55948 - 12/24/06 10:58 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, this is about you, not me.
Yes, I know how hard it is, but I made myself do it, and picked the time and day.

Its hugely difficult, but it is not impossible, nothing is, and it empowered me so much, just to show so much courage.

Go on and do it, because not knowing is a private hell,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55949 - 12/24/06 11:15 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
ste
I hate myself so much and if, and its a big if i have hiv my hatred will only grow. I do agree that not knowing is a private hell and i do want to know. but the way the two blokes treated me and the things they said make me think all the more that i have it.

I feel dirty everyday. I was also suspended from work back in November because i would not see the company doctor. My boss wanted me to see the doctor bcause i had changed in the end i told my boss. I dont know if that was a good thing to do or not.

I am also finding that the hate is also protecting me as i can keep people at a distance without allowing them to get close. I am also afraid of loosing the hate once i start to see a counsellor.

I sound really messed up dont i? the MD of the company does not have any idea what it was all about and they think i will be ok in a couple of months so i have to comes across to them that i am.

But inside i really hurt i keep telling myself its easy to get over it, just face what has happened and move on, but it is not easy.

tonight i will lay awake again holding a torch in my hand. I am battling to hold all my emotions in i keep whipping myself and i know now it was not my fault what had happened.

I keep wishing that i had not gone out. iknow that i had mentioned that earlier on but it keeps playing over and over in my mind. The other things that make me so angry is that during some of the nightmares and this has happened during the day sometimes i ejaculate.

I feel so disgusted with myself I almost freeze on the spot again. It has happened on numerous occasions when i am in bed. I dont understand what is going on.

duncan
ps if i do not hear from you tonight. have a happy christmas and a happy new year.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55950 - 12/25/06 08:14 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Hi DuncanUK

You have every right to feel anger and hate, I felt like that myself until I went to anger management last year, it is a good thing that you are seeing a counsellor this will no doubt help with your feelings. I was abused and raped twice over thrity years ago and I dsclosed in 2000 resulting in three of my abusers being convicted albeit that one of them was seperate to the convictions got in the Operation that my disclosure started.

I too went through the fear of HIV even though my abuse was years before it hit the headlines but as one of my abusers had thousands of "boys" even that far back HIV must have been hovvering in the background and like you I was terrified of getting tested but as I had to go into rehab for my drug addiction it was compulsary that I had one so really it was taken out of my hands, fortunately it came back negative and I have to say that after being a homesless teenage male prostitute for a number of years no one was more relieved than I.

With regards the police I personally would write to the cheif constable or failing that make arrangements to see your local MP at his local weekly surgery. Yes they are useless but they are only now getting to realise that childhood sexual abuse is endemic in our society and they are slowly realising the damage CSA can do to the individual and society in general. Myself have a good working relationship with my local MP and he is trying to get questions asked in parliament but because of the anarchic way politics work in this country its easier said than doen but rest a assured that more MPs now know of the effects of CSA than this time last year. If you want to talk about this off board PM me.

Take it easy my friend and welcome to MS although it saddens me that you had to find us.

Take it easy and best wishes for this christmas.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


Top
#55951 - 12/25/06 09:50 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Kirk

you are right in what you say. I whip myself somedays for what had happened and the fact that I did not have the courage to goto the police.

If I had gone to the police they probably could have done something. I cannot block the images in my mind and they "hit" me like it all happened yesterday. I am also afraid of the counselling sessions will I have to go through it in sordid detail? Our local MP is uselss like all of our politicians, they only care about "looking good" in public.

I hate that they degraded me made me strip naked and then they touched me all over. I get confused by this power/domination thing was this about sex?

Last night I could not sleep. I have to sit there sometimes until 2:00 in the morning. I will also be going back to playing rugby in the new year. I have not been back to the club since the tour.

I keep going back over things in my mind like "I should have not gone out that day" why me? I am not saying that I would want it to happen to any one else. Then I read the news and there is a small article about men getting raped.

Then I realise that it is bigger than I imagined. The greatest fear I have is lightning striking twice. I had mentioned earlier to "ste" that I think I have label on me that says "rape" or something like that.

I cycle to and from work and one evening sitting at the traffic lights. In the other lane a car pulled upto the lights and the driver said "sexy legs" I did not want to make eye contact with him or say anything, but he kept going on "hey sexy legs I am talking to you"

I just sat there praying(not to god) that the lights would turn green. Why do men do this? I could understand If It was a "joke" but the tone of his voice was changing like he was commanding me to look at him.

I did not get the plate number of the vehicle. The police probably would not have done anything about it. They only get concerned when one of there own gets injured. The politicians and the police divert us away from their failings by using the "terrorist" threat.

Have a happy christmas Kirk and a happy new year

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55952 - 12/25/06 03:17 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
Hello Duncan,
Welcome and keep up the Good Fight,,,they are assholes..they are scare of you...you are a treat to them...they are afraid of being expose...you are the real MAN...I was abducted and raped @8...WE are all with you


Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#55953 - 12/25/06 03:18 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
you are a threat to them

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#55954 - 12/25/06 05:07 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hello Julian,
Thanks. I will defeat them. Next year I am doing a hiking holiday in the USA in one of the national Parks.

I prefer camping out in the wilds. I will not allow fear to rule me.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55955 - 12/25/06 05:37 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
we are having a retreat in cal in march...check it out...Happy Trails

Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#55956 - 12/25/06 06:50 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I am also a bit scared for next year as my counselling begins. Will I have to reveal it all in graphic detail?

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55957 - 12/25/06 08:01 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
No, just say what you are comfortable with, thats all will happen,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55958 - 12/25/06 08:45 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Duncan,

Welcome to our group of friends here. I'm so sorry of the reason you're here, but glad you found us.

If your counselor is a true professional, You'll only have to reveal as much or as little as you are ready to reveal.

Having said that, it is a good thing for a person to talk (in a safe environment) about the things that happened, but only as they are ready too. Your counselor or "T" will be your best resource for helping you through that process.

I have found that if I don't tell it all, it festers inside and leaves me in a mess, but when I talk about things here, or in therapy, or in private conversations with trusted friends, I am able to get it all out in the open where it can be seen and dealt with, processed if you will.

The important thing is for you to take your time and to take care of you.

I wish you good things in the coming year.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#55959 - 12/25/06 09:31 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Duncan

You may not realise it but you have done the hardest thing of all, you have disclosed to us and that takes great courage and more than just a bit of trust. I often say when talking about my abuse that it did not take much courage I looked upon it as a nessesity as I had three options, drink myself to death, try suicide again or go insane either through drink or drugs.

I felt I had knowhere left to run I had runout of places to hide inside my mnind, I was making life hell for my wife so I had to tell someone, unbeknown to me in 1985 I first disclosed to the woman I now regard as my adopted mother whilst I was steaming drunk, I conciously perted someinformation to my future wife to see how she would react and when drunk once gain i came out with the first real disclosure after watching a television programme that featured my most well known abuser. I then clammed upabout it again until 1997 when a well known UK pop start was jailed for downlaoding indecent images of kids.

I had been clean and sober for about 18 months so I had nothing to fall back on oblivion was no longer an option as I had just started university as a mature student, I smoothered my triggers and flashbacks with my studies but it eventually wore me down and just prior to sitting my final year exams I read in The Guardian newspaper an interview my original abuser had given to a journalist whilst in pranac prison in the Czech republic he had been convicted of running a paedophile ring and running a CP production company. I caved in emotionally and the only option left open to me was to spill the beans .... thank god I did (and I am by no means a religious person) as it was then that I started to recover. As far as recalling everything I could it had to be done so the police could build a solid case against my abusers so in some ways when I had to divulge all the crap in counselling it was a lot easier than I think it would have been if I had to start telling "cold". Counselling was hard but I would not have swaped it for anything as the pros far outweigh the cons. I dont usually do advice but I say this find a counsellor that YOU feel you are able to trust and talk with do not be fobbed off by any old Tom, Dick or Harry.

Take it easy

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


Top
#55960 - 12/25/06 09:37 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Duncan,

Kirk gives some good advise. Make sure your "T" aka therapist is someone you can trust and relate to. Anything else is not being fair with yourself.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#55961 - 12/25/06 09:47 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
John, this peasant country means you get whats available if you can get it at all.
There is more available to women and kids, but its like gold dust trying to find a therapist unless you pay, or start hurting yourself.

We are the largely silent third world, :rolleyes:

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55962 - 12/25/06 10:07 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi everyone
and thank you once again. In away this has been therapy and I could not have done it alone. I really hate what is going through my mind.

*** Trigger Warning ***

So here goes..... The two "monsters" forced me to suck their cocks one at a time whilst the other rubbed mine and tried to get me hard( I hate this...) the only taste in my mouth was stale urine and i cannot get rid of it...... then they took it in turn to fuck me and all the time they said horrible things to me.

They made me ejaculate and told me that i must of enjoyed it as i have cum. They then started "fucking" me again to see if they could get me to cum agin(I so hate myself)

I have tried suicide on numerous occasions the last one the police got involved and i ended up telling them.........

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55963 - 12/25/06 10:38 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, the subject is highly triggering to me and others, otherwise I might have posted more.
Get the test done, dont keep putting it off, I did for years.

Tell yrself to do it k,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55964 - 12/25/06 11:33 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Duncan

I have on my desk the book Resources fo Survivors of Abuse within the UK. if you would like to PM with the appox area in which you live ie: South Yorkshire, Humberside etc or your nearest big town PM and I will look up as to what is in your area or there is another organisatio based in London that would be able to furnish you with any information you seek ... they are the National Asscociation of People Abused in Childhood(NAPAC)they are an excellent resource headed by a guy called Pete Saunders who is a survivor himself and a really nice guy, they can be found here:

http://www.napac.org.uk/

Take it easy

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


Top
#55965 - 12/26/06 12:21 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I am so sorry to everyone if I am triggering events for them. I did not mean it. I just cannot stop it in my head.

I dont know who I am half of the time. I have one side that is all pleasant and the other is horrible. I just cannot stop myself. I know that everyone is being so helpful and I am greatful.

Perhaps it would be better for me not to post what is going on in my mind, but I say that and find it difficult to do so.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55966 - 12/26/06 02:48 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Duncan,

It's OK to talk about these things here. That's why we're here. You may want to consider putting a "Trigger Warning" on your posts if you feel it may be disturbing to some of us, but you need to and are welcome to say what you need to say here. Those who see a trigger warning will move on to other posts if they feel they are not in a place to read what you say. So post away, Friend. It's OK.

and ste, you said
Quote:
John, this peasant country means you get whats available if you can get it at all.
I understand. And we have some liberal politicians in this country who want to make the British style of healthcare available to all of us. I hope they loose on this count at least!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#55967 - 12/26/06 12:45 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, its not OK to not bother posting.
Its just this time of year, I just want to be on the other side of the holidays like most of us.

Just carry on,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#55968 - 12/26/06 12:55 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
ste,

I cannot do this. If what I am writing is acting as a trigger to others and upsets them a great deal I must take the responsibilty for it.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55969 - 12/26/06 01:27 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Duncan.

All you need to do is put in the heading of your post the words "trigger warning" that will warn those of us who are in a fragile place at the moment to be prepared to be triggered, thats all. I hope that you will continue to post here. If you wish you can PM me and have a good old rant as I am very hard to trigger nowadays although I do still get them but they are mainly new ones that have emerged, I now know how to deal with them, and I know that they cannot hurt me anymore ....... same as flashbacks.

Take care

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


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#55970 - 12/26/06 01:41 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Quote:
Originally posted by reality2k4:
John, this peasant country means you get whats available if you can get it at all.
There is more available to women and kids, but its like gold dust trying to find a therapist unless you pay, or start hurting yourself.

We are the largely silent third world, :rolleyes:

ste
Ste

I know how you feel about resources here in the UK and I know people need to know of the total lack of resources but we really do have to be positive here, I know how you feel about our MP's as does the majority of the country but there are some good ones (mine espcially) who are taking the lack of resources seriously. My MP is conservative and I am in no way a supporter of their policies but they are onto something with regard the lack of action by Blairs government with regard CSA, they are on a steep learning curve. As I have said before we have to communicate with the politicians as it is the only way we are going to change things. Write to your MP if they do not repond make an appointment to go and see them at their weekly surgery if they still do not repond get on to your local press, we really have to get off our collective backsides and start telling them how CSA affects society in general. How many of those ill fated murdered Ipswich working girls turned to drugs to smoother their poor self worth through CSA?

Apathy is not an option here.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


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#55971 - 12/26/06 02:04 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632


_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55972 - 12/26/06 09:30 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kirk, my MP is a heavy weight in parliament, a woman of fomidable stature.
I am going to run stuff with her, and make sure she is true to the cause.

Good job I never got help as a kid, because I would be totally wrecked by the response I would have got.

The point of referral should be with a GP, and maybe a psyche doc, and not just let you find your own way,

all the best,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#55973 - 12/27/06 05:45 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Duncan,

There are many therapists out there that can be beneficial to you. Its important to distinguish the ones that are good for you as opposed to those that aren't. I found a therapist that effectively helped me to change my life. From him, I've learned to vent anger and sadness in a positive way and learned to regain my dignity and sense of security.

Also, I would highly recommend getting tested soon as Ste was saying. It is no use to let yourself wallow in fear when you may be completely healthy. I know how you feel. I got tested one day because I heard that a girl that with had contracted HIV. I was stupid and didn't use protection. I learned that before I was with her, she was a stripper who did quite the significant amount of drugs. I thought "god knows where she has been". Well, I was tested and it came up negative. I know that sometimes, we just don't wanna know. However, the question stays in us forever and builds itself up. Its a rough life always wondering "is there something wrong with me?" Good luck. Be strong!

Much love,
JASON

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#55974 - 12/27/06 04:47 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jason,
Thank you. How would I know the good from the bad? Was it difficult for you to let go of the anger?

I want to thank everyone once more for all that they have said. I am so much better that I found this site. Last night my nightmare was not so intense as it has been, i am sure that is a good sign or am i lowering my defences here?

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55975 - 12/29/06 08:25 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Duncan,

The anger was the hardest for me to let go of because I was always taught to keep those feelings at bay. When I was little, I didn't have the right to be angry, not by my perp, not by my parents, not by anyone. If I was angry, then I was being bad and in turn would suffer severe punishment. It is so hard to change old ways of life like that. Eventually, after working at it, you'll find that releasing anger will not cause you to have the same repercussions that you once had. You now are an adult who can fend for himself even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

As far as therapists go, I would not necessarily try to be too analytical. My guess would be to go with your gut. Do you feel comfortable with this person? Your gut will tell you what to do. It is important to understand that it could be harmful to you if you rush into initiating a therapist when you feel uncomfortable. No matter what, there is no time limit to recovery. It helps to take recovery in steps and do it at your own pace. Keep looking and you'll find the right person.

You ever meet someone who gives you a bad feeling in your gut the first time you meet them and you don't know why. That feeling was probably there for a reason and the same would probably apply for whatever therapists you encounter. There are good ones out there. I am living proof of that.

Good luck Duncan, PM me if you have any specific questions.

Much love,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

Top
#55976 - 12/29/06 10:44 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I wont be posting here for a while. I just cannot handle my state of mind at the moment.It just seems all too much.

I still cannot get to grips with any of it, despite all that i have been told. I look in the mirror and i hate what i see. If I had a gun I would shoot that person in the mirror.

I was 28 when i was raped so that makes me an adult and i still could not defend myself, yeah there was two of them but i could of at least given one of them a good punch or two.

I say it now and I will say it again, they should have killed me it would have been a whole lot better than living a life of hell.

i know some of you will strongly disagree with me and thats fine.
I am still wary of men ( what do i sound like?) I hate been touched even if its a friendly touch on the shoulder. I go out of my way to cause arguments with friends and then blame them for it. ( i am as bad as the two who raped me).

blame the other person its all their fault. I cannot stop the voice in my head that tells me to kill myself. I have not had a holiday in eight years(march next year).

I said to myself today. I will goto the USA next year and do backpacking in one of the national parks then fear comes back into my mind and i see "visions" of it happening all over again.

I want to do everything I used to do. I am not one for holidays in hotels. I want to be me again. This year I was going to goto the "big bend national park" in Texas but once again fear had taken me over.

I am probably over reacting its just that I dont want to be "weak" again.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55977 - 12/30/06 03:20 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
I feel so good that you are talking about your past situation. Your honest, brave and open. All essential things you need to be to do to get the healing process happening.

Hope your feeling lots of support here and that you will continue to be involved. There is so much to learn so listen to what they say and take what helps you.


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#55978 - 12/30/06 08:48 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I GIVE UP..... THERE IS NO POINT. I HATE MYSELF SO INTENSLY.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I CANT FIND MYSELF INSIDE MYSELF. I AM LOST A NOBODY. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55979 - 01/01/07 08:44 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Duncan,

Hang in there. We are all here for you. You can talk to us.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#55981 - 01/02/07 01:09 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
You aren't alone, Duncan.


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