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#55973 - 12/27/06 05:45 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Duncan,

There are many therapists out there that can be beneficial to you. Its important to distinguish the ones that are good for you as opposed to those that aren't. I found a therapist that effectively helped me to change my life. From him, I've learned to vent anger and sadness in a positive way and learned to regain my dignity and sense of security.

Also, I would highly recommend getting tested soon as Ste was saying. It is no use to let yourself wallow in fear when you may be completely healthy. I know how you feel. I got tested one day because I heard that a girl that with had contracted HIV. I was stupid and didn't use protection. I learned that before I was with her, she was a stripper who did quite the significant amount of drugs. I thought "god knows where she has been". Well, I was tested and it came up negative. I know that sometimes, we just don't wanna know. However, the question stays in us forever and builds itself up. Its a rough life always wondering "is there something wrong with me?" Good luck. Be strong!

Much love,
JASON

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#55974 - 12/27/06 04:47 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jason,
Thank you. How would I know the good from the bad? Was it difficult for you to let go of the anger?

I want to thank everyone once more for all that they have said. I am so much better that I found this site. Last night my nightmare was not so intense as it has been, i am sure that is a good sign or am i lowering my defences here?

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55975 - 12/29/06 08:25 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Duncan,

The anger was the hardest for me to let go of because I was always taught to keep those feelings at bay. When I was little, I didn't have the right to be angry, not by my perp, not by my parents, not by anyone. If I was angry, then I was being bad and in turn would suffer severe punishment. It is so hard to change old ways of life like that. Eventually, after working at it, you'll find that releasing anger will not cause you to have the same repercussions that you once had. You now are an adult who can fend for himself even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

As far as therapists go, I would not necessarily try to be too analytical. My guess would be to go with your gut. Do you feel comfortable with this person? Your gut will tell you what to do. It is important to understand that it could be harmful to you if you rush into initiating a therapist when you feel uncomfortable. No matter what, there is no time limit to recovery. It helps to take recovery in steps and do it at your own pace. Keep looking and you'll find the right person.

You ever meet someone who gives you a bad feeling in your gut the first time you meet them and you don't know why. That feeling was probably there for a reason and the same would probably apply for whatever therapists you encounter. There are good ones out there. I am living proof of that.

Good luck Duncan, PM me if you have any specific questions.

Much love,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

Top
#55976 - 12/29/06 10:44 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I wont be posting here for a while. I just cannot handle my state of mind at the moment.It just seems all too much.

I still cannot get to grips with any of it, despite all that i have been told. I look in the mirror and i hate what i see. If I had a gun I would shoot that person in the mirror.

I was 28 when i was raped so that makes me an adult and i still could not defend myself, yeah there was two of them but i could of at least given one of them a good punch or two.

I say it now and I will say it again, they should have killed me it would have been a whole lot better than living a life of hell.

i know some of you will strongly disagree with me and thats fine.
I am still wary of men ( what do i sound like?) I hate been touched even if its a friendly touch on the shoulder. I go out of my way to cause arguments with friends and then blame them for it. ( i am as bad as the two who raped me).

blame the other person its all their fault. I cannot stop the voice in my head that tells me to kill myself. I have not had a holiday in eight years(march next year).

I said to myself today. I will goto the USA next year and do backpacking in one of the national parks then fear comes back into my mind and i see "visions" of it happening all over again.

I want to do everything I used to do. I am not one for holidays in hotels. I want to be me again. This year I was going to goto the "big bend national park" in Texas but once again fear had taken me over.

I am probably over reacting its just that I dont want to be "weak" again.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55977 - 12/30/06 03:20 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
I feel so good that you are talking about your past situation. Your honest, brave and open. All essential things you need to be to do to get the healing process happening.

Hope your feeling lots of support here and that you will continue to be involved. There is so much to learn so listen to what they say and take what helps you.


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#55978 - 12/30/06 08:48 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I GIVE UP..... THERE IS NO POINT. I HATE MYSELF SO INTENSLY.
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I CANT FIND MYSELF INSIDE MYSELF. I AM LOST A NOBODY. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#55979 - 01/01/07 08:44 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Duncan,

Hang in there. We are all here for you. You can talk to us.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#55981 - 01/02/07 01:09 AM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
You aren't alone, Duncan.


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