Newest Members
andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons
12251 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
AdawgJR (28), Brian (50), hikerpark (52), Jeremy Welch (47), Logan81 (2014), Olson30 (60), Patrick7958 (56)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 48 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12251 Members
73 Forums
63104 Topics
441297 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#55933 - 12/24/06 01:19 PM Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi All
I am a male based in the UK. I was raped by two men eight years ago. I pushed the whole event to the back of my mind and buried it until now.

I recently(back in April) went on a rugby tour to Holland with a club that I play for, I do not drink alcohol but i did and I let it all out and that has now started me on the road to "recovery" although i have the HIV cloud looming over head.

I hate what they did to me and what I had to do for them. They made me feel so dirty and kept on telling me that i wanted it and how much i am enjoying it. The whole event felt as if it was never going to end and will i survive it.

I do not go out cycling along the back country lanes any longer as a result of it and I have just started running again.

duncan UK

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55934 - 12/24/06 01:23 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, welcome.
Thanks for posting, but what? Makes you think that you have HIV.

Go for the test to put your mind straight, there is nothing worse than thinking you have a disease.
I hope you are clear,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55935 - 12/24/06 02:46 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Ste

its just that my attackers said they would give me something so i could remember it for the rest of my life. I will be going for a test in the new year

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55936 - 12/24/06 02:54 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, I hope you know who they are and at least report them.
When you go for the test, you can ask for a fast track result.

When you get the result they will lock the door, dont worry that is procedure whether positive or negative.

Just make sure you go for the test, its not easy to do, but you must keep your mind safe, so make sure you go,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55937 - 12/24/06 02:57 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste,

I dont know who my attackers are i had never met them before. They just took me by suprise and at first i though it was a dream.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55938 - 12/24/06 03:07 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, if you can, tell the cops, stop them doing it to others.
It is more than rape, its intent to cause serious harm.

Hope you can tell them,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55939 - 12/24/06 03:17 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste

I have seen the police but they cannot do anything as it was eight years ago. I have nightmares about the whole thing and my body does things (ejaculation) or i feel like i am been f***** up the a*** and this makes me want to cry.

I stop myself from crying and try to shut off my emotions just as i had to do for my attackers. I can see and hear them in my mind and it plays over and over...... day and night.

I wish that i had not gone out that day or if i had a time machine go back and warn myself. But Iknow that will never be. I still dont know why i was targeted... i get nervous when i am out or if i decide to go out for a bike ride as some guys pull up in their cars when i am at the lights and say "sexy legs" etc...

This makes me even more paranoid have a got a sign that says "rape" on it? I will be seeing a counsellor in the new year as i have let the anger and hate take me over and I have to stop this.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55940 - 12/24/06 05:20 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, anger and hate just eat at yourself, not them, nobody can go back and stop time.
Keep your mind on track by getting out, counting numbers or whatever.

Its a wonder nobody else has reported a similar attack, then again, some cannot do it.
I hope the test proves negative,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#55941 - 12/24/06 06:17 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Ste, I will be taking kickboxing up again in the new year after an eight year break. I can vent my anger out on a punch bag perhaps i will feel better for it.

But I just find it very difficult shutting all that has happened out. I play rugby at the weekends but i never shower after the games. I just want to get out as soon as i can after the game.

Its not the guys at the club i think its just an extension of my paranoia. I shun all contact, I hate it when guys touch me on the shoulder. I have been thinking of coming over to the USA next year for a holiday in one of the national parks. I like backpacking out in wilderness away from everyone.

Perhaps I might be able to "find" myself again as there are days when I feel so lost in all the emotions and anger. I find it very difficult to let go of the hate within me and you are right the anger and hate have almost completely taken me over at times.

When the days over here start stretching out again and the evenings are lighter i will start going out running again. But I say that now and then i will "chicken" out. I have told a few close friends what had happened and i wish i could talk about to them but i find it difficult.

I also suspect they find it difficult to talk to me about it. I told my mother about it and she said why didn't i fight back. I just froze.

I think about that day in day out... I could have done this, I could have done that. But its easy to say after the event, and now I have the HIV could hanging over me. I really do hope it is negative.

I dont know what to do if the result comes back positive. I always tend to look at the "darkside" and then when it comes back negative i can say to myself "what was all the fuss about?"

I am scared about seeing a counsellor next year. I am not sure why. I sometimes sit at my computer scouring the internet for answers to male rape. but there really are no answers.

Thats how i found this site and i am pleased that i did been able to share with everyone what is on my mind is something of an emotional relief. Perhaps when i close my eyes to night i can tell the demons to go away and not be up until the early hours of the morning.

Everything about the event i can remember and it makes me sick thinking about it. like right now the anger and hate is starting to flow inside of me.

I do have things to occupy my mind with like looking after my 15 spiders. I have also been told by my doctor that one visit with the counsellor will not make it all go away.

But i will conquer this and I will win.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#55942 - 12/24/06 07:18 PM Re: Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Duncan, there is no magical way of relieving it, but doing things you like to do is a way forward.
This Country UK, is hopeless at treating ppl like you or me, totally useless.

It took me many years to go and get tested, and when it came back total negative it was a great weight off my shoulders, but because I left it so long, I kept thinking the test was wrong, and why? Did they not find something.

Make a resolution to go to the clinic, its over in no time,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.