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#55913 - 03/22/03 01:50 AM needed to get this off my chest
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Guys you have no idea how much you all mean to me. I lvoe each and everyone of you but I have bad news. My job has moved me to nights so I will not be able to chat with you guys as much as I want and need to. It has been a bad week for me. I am working to much and the wife and I are fighting. I feel like I have hit bottom. I feel so worthless. I am working two shifts aday and and I feel like I have done nothing. I work work work come home sleep and goto work.

Vicki and I fight because I cannot have sex with her. She says that I only bitch when I come home. I don't think that I do but she says I do. I feel like their is something that I should be done other then writing this. I have not been able to sleep much this whole week.

I was looking through some old photo books of mine and I started to crying. It seems like I cannot stop now. I keep thinking of the people I have lost of the childhood I have lost of what I will loss everything. I do not even know why I am writing this I mean I I feel alone so alone. I did some reading on posts that I saved and started to cry some more seems like everything makes me sad. I am going to bed I hope guys

thanks guys I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for listing guys


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#55914 - 03/22/03 02:37 AM Re: needed to get this off my chest
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Nathan:

Dear, Brother. You are not alone in feeling this way. I saw myself in some of the things you said. When I started dealing with the truth about having been sexually abused, I started to cry, too . . . (a lot!). I cried for many days, and sometimes now when things get too rough to handle I cry some more. But, I am glad that I can feel sorrow, and that I CAN cry, because there was a time in my life when I was emotionally shut down. I could not cry, nor could I make myself feel sorrow. Although, right now, at times it hurts and I have to cry, I am also glad that my feelings and emotions have become more open. My life as a result also feels more open. In other words I feel more HUMAN and more of a man than I ever have before. You cry now because you ARE a MAN, and you are HUMAN. You are not a machine, and you are not shut down. Your emotions and feelings are intact. That is a good thing. Be thankful for this, in spite of the sorrow over lost childhood and opportunities. You have a lot of life to live and you want to live it fully human and fully alive.

I will confess that when I first started dealing with recovery, that I was more crabby, and I did become more disagreeable. But again, I think it was because of the flood of emotions I was feeling and having never dealt with it before (I always suppressed these thoughts and feelings) I did not do a very good job of handling my feelings. Consequently, I was pretty mean-spirited, and crabby with my loved ones. They understood because they know now about my history of sa. They, as well as my brothers and sisters at MS, are my support system now.

I have been in therapy for a couple of months. By comparison with others here that is not a very long time. But I have experienced an enormous amount of healing, and my emotions are now more even-handed and steady.

I will pray for you, Brother Nathan, and for your wife, Vicki. I am praying even now. I will also pray that the intimacy in your relationship will increase; that you will both experience much peace and love; and finally, I will pray that you can sleep soundly and peacefully at night and that your energy and stamina will increase and that your job pressures will decrease.

Be good to yourself, Nathan. You deserve all the love and joy that you can get in your life. so does Vicki.

Remember, we have all felt sorrow and pain, and we have all shed many tears, too. You are not alone. We are with you Bro, and we support you with OUR LOVE, too!

Sincerely, Jess.


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#55915 - 03/22/03 02:50 AM Re: needed to get this off my chest
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Nathan,

That's why we're here. A place to "get if off your chest."

Your own recovery and solutions will come from within you. But if I may offer some observations. Sounds like you are over-working yourself. When I have done this, and I'm "draining my batteries", then I feel more vulnerable, complaining, and emotional. Now there's a place for expressing emotions, escpecially being a survivor. But it's tougher when you have the gun to your head of a very busy schedule.

As for the inability to have sex with your wife, what about the idea of just cuddling touch without sex for right now? You can both get important "touch" needs met that way.

Just a few thoughts. We support and love you, Nathan. Take care of yourself.

Rick


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#55916 - 03/22/03 04:23 AM Re: needed to get this off my chest
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Nathan,
Just read your post and the responses from Jess and Rick. Now, there's a couple of guys. Interesting how all of this macho image thing doesn't mean crap, here. You do have good friends here and I can't tell you how I've been affected by meeting some of them. There are two right here, Jess and Rick........and I hope that you add me to your list of friends.
I spent several years in therapy and my good physician said, as we were wrapping things up, that I would probably cry when seeing a tragic traffic accident--that I was more in tune with my emotions. Sounds like your reaching yours. But I agree with Rick, you may be working too hard. But that's advice like my sister got when she was a model for I Magnin's in San Francisco. She was depressed and her doctor told her to gain a few pounds and she'd be happier. She told him, "ya, and I'd be without a job." Maybe you need those funds to make ends meet and that's understandable, but Rick's suggestion that you may be working too hard has validity. And, if I could add my two cents; can you and your wife get a walk in during the day sometime? That's worked wonders for me and my gal.
At any rate, you got a great collection of the best guys I've met. And if you want to talk during the day, I've got a flexible schedule and I'm a fairly good listener. Your in my prayers,
Blessings,
David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#55917 - 03/22/03 06:33 AM Re: needed to get this off my chest
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Nathan
everything in our recoveries is so new to us, we don't really understand what's happening to us or around us as we become different people. And that's scary.

We do change dramatically though, we experience new emotions which touch us deeply, and we begin to show those emotions. Eventually we learn not to be ashamed or frightened of feeling and sharing our emotions, we even begin to enjoy them.

The fear of emotions taking over was a big part in me not talking to my wife, I guess it was some kind of 'macho' thing as well, but I couldn't talk to her with any sort of passion or emotion at all.
But I do now, and we sort things out between us, we share our hopes and fears, we offer our love and support to each other.

Talking here and feeling emotional is a good start, because we care enough to think about what we reply to you.
But if you talk to anyone and share your emotions with them the chances are you'll get the same in return.

Sometimes we have to take the chance.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#55918 - 03/22/03 07:27 AM Re: needed to get this off my chest
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Nathan, Boy do I recognize what you are feeling. You truly are not alone. You have everyone here and what I have recently learned is there are pretty great people all around me (they aren't really the people I want most....my wife has separated from me....but the other people around me have proven to be caring, kind and helpful) You have Vicki who seems to be still there for you.
I hate to keep saying the same thing here in all my posts but....
If you are not in therapy...GO. Insurance pays for most and it, and it’s the only way to properly address the feelings and emotions that we as SA survivors have avoided for far too long. When we learn how to experience these emotions (without being traumatized) we open up to the world around us and then we can begin to take back what has been so viciously stolen from us.
Also this book helped me let the caring people around me in and helped me to find inner peace which in turn conquered my loneliness! The book is “don’t sweat the small stuff…and its all small stuff” (not that what most of us are dealing with is small stuff!!). It is a small, easy to read and understand book that has taught me a way of communicating with others in a loving, kind, and compassionate way that truly has transformed my relationships with everyone around me (and it’s amazing how people respond when they are dealt with in a kind loving way). This book may help you with Vicki. I wish that my wife were not steadfastly saying "it too late, I'm not in that place anymore" because I KNOW with what I have already learned, that I am finally capable of a mutually satisfying relationship with her!
So those are the two things I can say truly helped me thus far.
We are all here for you! Take care my friend, Ed


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#55919 - 03/22/03 02:36 PM Re: needed to get this off my chest
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
(((((Nathan)))))

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#55920 - 03/22/03 03:33 PM Re: needed to get this off my chest
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Nathan, I hear you about not being able to have sex, A lot of the time I can't even touch. Please spend time talking with your wife and try to open up as much as you can (I'm struggling with this also). Maybe you could find a support group for your wife - we have a good one in a local church. Take gentle care, Edwin

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#55921 - 03/22/03 03:51 PM Re: needed to get this off my chest
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Nathan,
I am praying for you that Vicki will start to understand what you are truly going though with the SA issues. My hubby [MrEdd] can not stand the thought of sex right now. I am fine with that right now. I can not imagine what it is like for you right now. I am still praying for you right now. Nathan, you are dealing with a lot of shit right now. Maybe you should talk with your boss + shorten those work hours. That in itself would lessen your stress + Vicki's stress levels. These are just suggestions. Just think about my ideas + see if they apply to your situations.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#55922 - 03/22/03 06:38 PM Re: needed to get this off my chest
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Nathan,

Your friends here have given you lots of love and understanding, as well as good aadvice.

You are still a teen--so you do in fact have lots of energy. Still, even teens can burn out. All the urging to work fewer hours will pay big dividends if you do that.

You mention that you and Vicki are fighting--I read that, you are arguing. You are still adjusting to living in the closeness of married life--as is Vicki. Give yourselves time, and realise what is going on. The two of you have made a big decision that requires real adjustment of thinking and feeling. You are one now. A blessing, but also, difficult at first.

I am still a virgin Nathan, so I can't talk with a lot of certainty, but I suspect that your natural and supernatural love for each other will solve the not having sex situation rather quickly. The advice to hold hands and cuddle sounds good to me. I have told young couples to never go to sleep angry with each other. Openly and honestly sharing and receiveing each others feelings draws you ever closer to each other.

Nathan, so many of us, probably all of us who were betrayed as children, truly mourn the loss of our innocence and what is seen as a norm of childhood.
I think we grieve that for a very long time.

You are so young yet. Your abuse was just a few years ago perhaps. Your abuser(s) are most likely still alive. You are dealing with so very much in your life.
You really do need to have someone that you can talk with who can guide you towards healing. There are counseling agencies that have payment on a sliding scale--so you don't pay more than you can. Your insurance should pay for most if not all of it. We can give you love, understadning and share our experiences with you. But a professional trained in PTSD or CSA is really able to journey with you through to inner serenity and genuine self-love.

If Vicki has a difficult time understanding you and your reactions she can register here and use the family and friends forum. You could assure her that you would not look in on that forum if it would help her to be more comfortale talking about her problesm in understanding a most complicated situation.

You and Vicki do need to understand that working at deepening and strengthing your marriage is your first task at this time. Vicki is a religious person and I think you are too. So God will help you. God wants your marriage to be pure grace for the two of you.

Nathan, young friend, exercise some, run, whatever, but work out your stress. Spend quality time with Vicki being intimate--i.e. sharing your feelings, your fears and hurts and your joys and hopes. Listen well and speak openly. I am certain that then your love will grow for each other. Remember, you are a strong, courageous man, a survivor. You can be proud of yourself and the goodness in you.

Come here and let us know how we can help. And, if you think it would help, urge your Vicki to join us and post in the Fand F forum.

Peace to you Lad!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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