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#55876 - 12/24/06 11:15 AM My story.
LukeP Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 2
I am 22 years of age.

Not sure where to start but ill give it a go.

I finally told someone about what happened to me about 4 months ago, My sister. And since then i have told a few mates and my parents. telling my parents was extremely diffcult, i didnt think i could do it, kinda glad i did.

Anyway i was sexually abused by my grandfather from when i was 3 years old up until i was about 9 or 10 i think. My mum used to take us there on school holidays. He was very clever in the way he "tricked" us into such a dispicable act. It started with him washing me after a went to the toilet. basically over the years it progressed to sex slow enough that i didnt know any better. I finally know it wasnt my fault. Its obvious now that it wasnt but for some reason i always blamed myself. how can could a 3-4 year old possibly know what sex is. The reason i came out about it is that all of a sudden i was sick and tired of living. nothing i did made me happy and i was about to call it quits. so i called up my sister and told her. well she guessed because i couldnt actually say it out loud, silly huh? it turns out it has happened to other people in the family that i cannot mention. all of them older than me. i couldnt let it happen to anyone else, not after the pain i have felt everyday that i can remember. So i did the right thing and told my sister to tell my parents, i was living interstate at the time. plus i didnt think i could face to face. So after that i pretty much came straight home. my dad flew to where i lived and drove home with me. was kinda weird seeing him, he acted like nothing had happened which i though was weird. everyone who works with my dad have told me lately that he is really worried about me but doesnt tell me anything. something i need to address?


A few weeks ago i had to give a police statement about what happened. while ive told people i was sexually abused when i was younger i havnt told anyone about "details". deep breathes.. this was with out question the hardest thing i have done in my entire life. the lady was trying to be conforting but it was helping at all. after i left the police station i felt better than i ever have. once i let out a few details the flood gates opened and i remembered things that i thought i had forgotton, traumatic amnesia i think? i remember reading something about it. Ive been slowing getting back on track, trying anyway. doesnt feel like ive made any progress at all. still trying to have an intimate relationship, still anxious around everyone, still have no motivation to do anything, tryin to work out what i want to do in life pretty much. Anyway, theres a start. im sure ill be back soon to let some more off my chest, sorry its not much, its pretty difficult to write this stuff, although 2 months ago i wouldnt of even been at this site. progress? hope it moves quickly dammit.

cheers for reading, all the best.


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#55877 - 12/24/06 11:28 AM Re: My story.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Luke, you have made a massive step here, and now you need to calm things down.
Opening something up like that is torrential, and you need space to rest.

None of it was your fault, your father is worried because he is protective, and I guess he feels guilt at not seeing how bad things got to you.

Greetings,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#55878 - 12/24/06 03:31 PM Re: My story.
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
Luke,

Welcome....there's really good folks who have been through what you're going through here and are on your side. You made a huge step in posting and confronting a dark family secret. The floodgates opened and wil continue to open, at times it will feel overwealming...but ar reality suggested taking time to rest is probably very helpful. When I first confronted my abuse I was exhausted, and as new memories come up I find it emotionaly tiring.

I sounds like you have some good family support from your Dad and sister--they may not knw what to say or do, but they're trying and not turning you away or yelling you to shut up. NOOOO, it's not your fault....

Luke, welcome and know folks are here for you.

Halibut


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#55879 - 12/24/06 05:56 PM Re: My story.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Welcome aboard Luke, what you have set out to do is not easy, but it's got to be done. I can only imagine what it's like having to access those deepest parts of your memory in trying to remember what was done to you. (When I first told my story here at MS I remembered things that I overlooked before).

I've seen families sugarcoat the sexual abuse in their past and seen abuse continue from one generation to the next. (That's NOT to imply that just because someone is abused that they will go on to abuse themselves, but it DOES happen). You're taking a VERY important step in possibly ending this by exposing for what it is. You have all of my support. I hope that most, if not all, of your family offers their help and support as well.


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#55880 - 12/25/06 04:24 AM Re: My story.
PhillyPa Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Luke, thanks for your account.
Question: Do you find it hard to trust older men (grandfatherly types) who are wise?

_________________________
Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

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#55881 - 12/25/06 04:26 AM Re: My story.
PhillyPa Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
oh, about your dad not responding to your condition: he probably cares so much that he wants to say and do the right thing. or, he may have actually experienced what you have? can you ask him this?

_________________________
Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

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#55882 - 12/25/06 04:30 AM Re: My story.
PhillyPa Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
one more thing for you, luke. dont be surprised if you have this racquetball effect: your in the healing process for a few months, then you retreat for a break, return a year later. dont beat yourself up over this. take your time with this. good luck.

_________________________
Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?

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#55883 - 12/25/06 09:31 PM Re: My story.
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Luke,

Welcome and glad you found us. Sorry you have the need. Nothing is more devastating to a boy than to be sexually abused by a Family role model such as a father or grandfather, or female role model for that matter. You have my care and understanding.

You've done a very courageous thing by opening up to your family and law enforcement personnel. It speaks well for your prospects of recovery. It will still be a long and sometimes frustrating path, but you'll make it.

Have you contacted a therapist? Many of us here have tried to make it through on our own and found that approach to be an impossible one. Your therapist is a professional and can guide your recovery to your benefit. Give it some thought if you haven't already.

I wish you good things in the coming year, and stay in touch with us. I have found this place to be the single most beneficial element in my recovery.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#55884 - 12/28/06 08:07 AM Re: My story.
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Luke,

Glad you found us and had the courage to post what you did. I know how that feels, especially doing that for the first time. As others have said, if you feel like you’ve been through the washing machine that’s ok.

Stick around, read and post as you can. You’ll find lots of great support and understanding. We al know what you are feeling and want to travel this journey with you.

I look forward to getting to know you better.


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#55885 - 12/28/06 10:44 AM Re: My story.
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Luke, You are far stronger than you think. You have had the courage to speak out about the sexual abuse you suffered as a child.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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