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#55838 - 06/05/05 06:18 AM New person post, may trigger
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Two friends tell me of here. That it is help to them. I write this with translation to help. To read anything here, it will need be same, for now anyway.

I think now it is bad. I think I have known before it is wrong. Now I think it is bad too.

Earliest memory, my mom, she is on the bed with me. She is telling me something to do to her, and I am already knowing of what she means. I am three or four years old. Not yet in school. But already learning it seem.

My sister shared room with me. This happens for all the time I am at home. She must know. Right? I do not know, we never have talked of it. She will be here to visit next week. I do not know if I can talk to her.

Our father always drink to much, and hit to much. It is perhaps sad, someone to be so unhappy. I do not feel sad for him. I guess how I feel of him is between myself and my God. But I feel no sympathy for him. At some time, I was able to keep him from hurting my sister. And protect my mother. Interesting, that choice.

My sister leave home when I am 15 years old. I leave the next week, go to different city. Know nothing, still have one year left in school. Nothing to work as a job. What do you do? You do what you know, I guess, what you are good at. I did that. Made money from older ladies who want a young person to be with. Sometime would have somewhere to stay for a few days or week. Also have done some photos, not 'family' kind, and movies. Again, not family kind. No one know I am 15, 16 years old. No one ask. If they ask, would they care? Don't know. Then something happen that just almost kill me, and I end up back near home. Live with my aunt for few months, until she died. Then back at home. Things start again. Just as I have not left.

Even now. Even last year, I engage in that with my mother. Even this year, she try that with me. I am not a child. This is not child abuse. I am 26 years old now. It is me doing it. Perhaps I can lay blame to her for what is from before. Who is to blame now? My father, for most part, ignores me now. It is not so fun to beat on someone large enough to fight back, and other then few isolated times, he have not. My mother won't ignore me. Not enough luck of that.

How much is it abuse when there is not force, there is not violence? When she was my mother, and was gentle and 'loving' with me, and teach me how to be with other women? My father abused me, yes. My mother? From what I know of my two friends, it seems it is very different then this. Can it be called the same thing, if it is so very different in how it occurs?

And what is it, when you know it will happen again if you go home, and still, you go home, and let it. What is that?

I am questioning my belonging here.

VN


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#55839 - 06/05/05 06:26 AM Re: New person post, may trigger
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
Unfortunately, I think you do belong here and I'm sorry if this does not help. I'm still under the influence of some heavy pain meds.

What your mom did to you is not okay, moms, dads, grown ups anyone is not supposed to take advantage of you in that way. I'm going to stop before I stop making sense or saying something I may regret later.

I'm sorry you are going through this, this site has helped me a lot and it gets easier to talk/write about what happened.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#55840 - 06/05/05 08:51 AM Re: New person post, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I won't be wordy. Welcome here my friend. I know you will get some good feedback.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#55841 - 06/05/05 10:01 AM Re: New person post, may trigger
sabooka Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 209
Loc: I would like to know also
hello and welcome. I too am sorry you had to find this place but am happy you did.

I too was abused by my mother and IT IS NEVER OUR FAULT.

If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

Jonathan

_________________________
My happiness is not dependant on other people's misery.

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#55842 - 06/05/05 10:23 AM Re: New person post, may trigger
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
VN,

It is good to meet you my friend. Abuse is abuse, there does not need to be force. As your life has shown you have been abused without force sometimes. The threat of physical force does not make the sexual abuse of a child any less abusive or hurtful. You where abused and you are not alone in your pain. Their are alot of loving and caring people here who can offer their support and own experiences to show you are not alone.

I would assume you feel guilty about returning home and letting your mom abuse you? Abuse is abuse no matter what the age is 3,4,5,12,16,36,36, etc.... You went home to see your family, not to be abused. Home is suppose to be safe you may have though you where going to be abused by her but you wanted to come home. When you came home she abused you once more. You are strong enough now to know that this is wrong and that things must change.

So she is coming up to visit you in a week. That gives you time to try and work out your feelings for her. What are you feelings towards here right now? What do you think of her right now? As in life only answer what you can and feel comfortable answering.

I have probly gone on long enough for you. The most important things to know is...

One: You are not alone
Two: It was not your fault
Three: It was abuse
Four: You are stronger enough to over come this abuse. You are stronger then your mother and father.

lots of love, Nathan


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#55843 - 06/05/05 09:40 PM Re: New person post, may trigger
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
VN - you may be older now, but you were conditioned when you were younger, and this is the reason that it is difficult to escape from this behaviour.

Try reading some basic Psychology...of particular interest is 'Pavlov's Dogs'.

I'm not comparing anyone here to being a dog, but it may give you an insight into how conditioning develops. *just one of those things I picked up on a Teacher Training course years ago - makes a lot of sense to me.

Hope this is of some help....Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#55844 - 06/05/05 10:11 PM Re: New person post, may trigger
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
VN - I'm sorry your abuse is lasting soooo long but definitely glad you found the site. The person referring you here is a good friend! You are 26 years old in most areas of you life BUT when mom is around you, you become like the 15 year old boy. The dynamics and relationship between you both is still like the early relationship. You were not able to protect yourself from mom at 15 and that 15 year old isn't protecting you now. Your move to protect yourself can be: (1) set up boundaries that if she crosses them or you feel weak, leave and go somewhere else until you get control again; (2) when you feel you are becoming like the 15 year old, call your friend for support; (3) tell her she can't come because of a change of plans; "radical avoidance" is good until you can, through therapy, set boundaries for safety. What she did and is doing TO YOU is wrong; not your fault; and you need it to stop. She won't so you must!! It is not easy and you have years and years of built up traumas to overcome as well. I want you to know that you can stop this with help, support and a plan. Let me know how things go!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#55845 - 06/05/05 11:14 PM Re: New person post, may trigger
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Thank you to everyone who answers me. I really read that you speak. It is difficult to trust this, which - not I, which made incorrectly, that it - something she made. It - not mother who visits tomorrow, it is sister. I want conversation with her it, I do not know as. I have no one of the friend here to transfer it, I use the computer translator. It is silly, not directly.

VN


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#55846 - 06/06/05 01:39 AM Re: New person post, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Quote:
Originally posted by VN:
Thank you to everyone who answers me. I really read that you speak. It is difficult to trust this, which - not I, which made incorrectly, that it - something she made. It - not mother who visits tomorrow, it is sister. I want conversation with her it, I do not know as. I have no one of the friend here to transfer it, I use the computer translator. It is silly, not directly.

VN
Oh my. It is the revenge of Babelfish, Lord of the online translators! \:D

Serious, I am not quite sure of what you were fully trying to say here, to be able to clarify it. Please let me or your other friend know if you need help to post or read something in a way that makes a bit more sense!

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#55847 - 06/06/05 02:43 PM Re: New person post, may trigger
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
VN,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm very glad you came here. You don't know me, but I know your friends. I have been praying for you for a long time.

Maybe it's because I know your friends, but I understood everything you wrote. In fact, when I read your initial post, I realized that it was your sister, and not your Mom that was coming to visit.

V, I think you will know when it is the right time to talk to your sister about what she did or didn't see growing up. As difficult as it is for you, wondering what your sister knows or doesn't know, it has to be just as confusing for your sister. What should she say? Should she say anything? Should she just igonore it all? V, she will eventually give hints as to what she knows or give hints as to what she is ready to hear from you. You have needs, too. If you feel that you need for her to know what went on between you and your Mom, then you need to find a way to talk to her. V, she already knows that abuse was going on in the house or there would have been no need for you to rescue/protect her from your father.

I want you to realize also, what several of the others have told you here. Yes, you are 26 yrs old, but you were abused by the ones that you looked up to, the ones who were supposed to take care of you. Your parents were the authority figures in your home. You had no choice. We are, as Rik stated, conditioned by our parents. There will always be some amount, no matter how small, of feelings of submission to your parent's authority. You realize now that their authority is warped. But V, the conditioning is still there. You were at their mercy and whims for years. It will take time for you to break complelety free, but you're now strong enough to do it, with help, if you must. Read Howard's response again and again. Use the help that is available to you.

I'm sorry I'm so wordy. Please get one of your friends to translate this for you. I'm so glad and proud of you for deciding to deal with these issues. As you can see from this site, unfortunately there are many,many others of us dealing with the same or similar issues. Together, though, we can get stronger and overcome these issues. V, know that you are not alone. Know that you have two of the best friends you could ever ask for right there with you. They truly love you, and want only to see good things happen in your life from here on.

I don't speak your language, but feel free to send a PM anytime you want. Like I said, I have learned to read 'broken English' pretty well from you friends. They can also testify as to how my dyslexia can hamper translation of the English language, too. You can say whatever you want to me. Also, ask your friends for my personal email address if you wish. They know they can give it to you.

Good luck, V, and "Welcome" again!


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