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#5556 - 08/06/04 07:46 PM Re: Why no anger?
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Marc--

I think the anger I used to feel was a big fat waste of time and energy, so I think it could be great if you don't have it. The only problem I can see would be buried anger, or a mental scab that keeps you from touching it.

Anger is one of the things that kept me attached to my pain, and I think it does that to a lot of us.

I think it's important to keep in mind that anger is really only useful if it can lead to change. Let's say I'm angry at someone for being impolite and I say something, and the relationship changes as a result of the interaction. Or I get angry at an intruder and protect my family. In cases like that I think the anger has an appropriate purpose and helps us to resolve conflict (which then relieves the anger). In our cases, the thing we're angry about is usually far in the past and way beyond changing. Being abused killed my relationship with my father, so being angry just led me into a circular trap. I was mad, so I wanted to do something to relieve the anger, but nothing could be done (not even confronting him really did anything), and the anger just circled inside me, going nowhere and eating at me.

So if you don't have it, I'd say think of yourself as fortunate. It sure hindered my attempts at recovery.

Danny


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#5557 - 08/06/04 08:03 PM Re: Why no anger?
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
Wow when I read this I finally feel like someone understands me. I feel the same exact way. I never knew why everyone felt so angry because I never really did. I just felt and continue to feel nothing about my abuse. I am hoping that in continuing to heal and find my true self that I will be able to be angry and vent and cry about it and get it out. I pray that you will to my brother.

Hope for the both of us,
Mark

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#5558 - 08/06/04 09:05 PM Re: Why no anger?
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I don't feel anger. I get upset when I see other people I care about hurting because this. But don't feel anger at all about myself. I don't know if I have it and just don't feel it, or don't have it at all. They aren't worth the energy.

andrei


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#5559 - 08/06/04 10:02 PM Re: Why no anger?
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
You guys have me thinking now. I dont feel anger, either, towards what happened anyway. I do feel anger at myself, though. I've always felt mad at myself for not trying harder to escape, or not telling on him when it was over, or for not preventing him from hurting anyone else. The anger has really always been directed at me.

In fact, I have actually felt sorry for the guy at various times, because in my mind, I'm sure something had to have happened to him to make him hurt others. The more I think of this stuff, the more confused I get. A vicious circle for me, but the only anger I have ever felt or remember feeling is towards me. I may even be confusing anger with blame.

I haven't been to a therapist , yet. Maybe one day. Do these therapists ever give you the answers, though? Do they finally tell you if you are supposed to feel angry? Or are they collecting data on us to see if we are supposed to feel anger? Man, I feel like a termite in a yo-yo now!


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#5560 - 08/07/04 04:11 AM Re: Why no anger?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Marc,

In spite of my recent rantings that would seem to indicate otherwise, I did not have anger for long time. I could sometime feel upset about the fact that other people were hurt by this man. But when I think of what he done to me, I wuld feel nothing of it, but feel I am wrong again. It has been maybe four, five months, that I have really started to feel anger, not just about other people, but myself as well. It still comes and goes, but I am finding anger, piss-offedness and 'righteous indignation' to be rather liberating at times now.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#5561 - 08/07/04 11:33 AM Re: Why no anger?
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Marc,

This concept of feeling no anger is interesting to me. I have always been quick to anger. In fact, there are lines on my face from the expression of my angry heart. It isnít nearly as bad as it was when I was younger, but I still canít drive half a block without getting pissed off.

Interestingly, anger was the one emotion that I was not allowed to express as a child. Punishment was swift and harsh if I expressed my anger for any reason. Even now, as a 50 year old man, there are always serious consequences when I fully express my anger.

Oh man! I shake, my face turns red, the veins pop out of my neck and forehead, the words start to come out of my mouth and any sense of self control is lost in a storm. The aftermath, the cleanup is always devastating and difficult. More then once I have lost virtually everything because I showed my anger. Fortunately am totally non-violent in the physical sense. The only person I ever hit was someone who was hitting me many times before I struck back.

From what you wrote, it seems to me that anger is something that you are very afraid of. But unlike me, you have absolute control over it. I am not sure that such control is all that good, but I am certain that a lack of control like mine is really bad.

Just as a thought, there is a possibility that some of your intense sensitivity and defensiveness on occasion is a product of repressed anger. You may just not be reading your emotions right. But that is just a thought.

You should probably consider exploring the anger issue with your T. There is a lot of potential understanding to be gained by going down that road. Probably some serious discomfort as well. Think about it anyway.

Aden


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#5562 - 08/07/04 06:06 PM Re: Why no anger?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Marc
anger isn't compulsory, I don't feel anger towards my many abusers. I actually feel more anger towards the headmaster who knew what was happeneing and did f**k all about it.
But I don't feel anything like a consuming anger towards him.

I treat them as non-people. To me they are a memory that I somehow can't get rid of completely. A bit like the memory of playing on the beach one day when I was about 7 or 8 yo and a seagull shit on my head. It's that kind of memory.

My view is that therapists and counsellors should deal with whatever is presented to them, and work from there. Not go fishing around for what isn't there.
But having said that, we all show different levels of anger and display it in different ways. So when I say I don't feel anger, perhaps I do on my scale of 1 to 10 ?

But if you're OK with not showing anger, don't go looking for it, it's something we can do without.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5563 - 08/07/04 06:55 PM Re: Why no anger?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Marc

Anger is the most devastating thing of all, why anger, why should you feel angry? It is a natural reaction to what happened, but what does it do?

It rips "YOU" apart, not the abuser.

If it helps, my abuse was a long time ago, I remember dealing with "Anger" in most of my thoughts thru the day and night, it is like acid, it eats thru you. If you are powerless to do anything, then anger can mean nothing and absolutely nothing.

I remember times coming from work when I felt so angry, feeling so angry, possibly taking it out on others, indeed we should never take it out on others, unless they understand where it is coming from, and they don't. Thankfully in this group, we do, or we should do, understand that is.

Anger is like fighting the many headed beast, you don't know where he is coming from, are you being angry at yourself or others, you can end up really entwined and fu**ed up by it all.

Why?

It's an emotion that is so strong in the psyche.

I dealt with anger many years ago, and had to put it to one side, the side you see of me venting anger is the child, not me, the adult can deal with anger.

It is an ugly word, but when it starts to destroy so much good you put in, it really is time to let it go, it is too negative, I had to get rid of anger before it got rid of me, and that is the truth, because it really is so corrosive, and serves no real purpose other than destruction.

OK

Venting is what we all do, we need to do that, it is letting off steam, but don't let anger build up for any reason.

I read your posts, and I think, Hey, this is a good thoughtful guy, he thinks of others above himself, what a great way of sharing your warmth with others, you care, you share, but don't let anger eat at you.

You talk about the mask, when you go to work, I too wear the same mask of hiding the shit from the world, nobody knows what we go through, I too, throw away the mask when I get home, and get to be myself, we all know what that is like, when we have a bad day at the office, but we made everyone laugh, and then go home to these feelings.

I think Marc, you have so many good friends, friends who share your hurt, just as we all should do.

Don't let anger get so much in the way of your life, you have a brilliant mind which we all love and would sorely miss if you weren't here.

I thought, why am I so angry, I know the reasons why, but it hurt me so much.

((((((((Brotherly Hugs)))))))

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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