I don't know exactly how to start. I suppose I should say that I joined NOMSV several months ago, but I haven't felt ok about doing this until now. I am almost 41 years old. My whole life is a complete wreck, it always has been, actually. Two hospitalizations, SSD, etc. The sexual abuse ended when I was 9, but the physical and emotional abuse continued until I left at the age of 22, to go into a hospital. Eventually I suppose I will feel comfortable in discussing things in some detail (if that is appropriate within this forum), but not today. To close this posting, I must say that I do not believe that I will be able to make any kind of meaningful recovery, I'm afraid, but...here I am, anyway.

Hello Patrick, and welcome. Let me be the first one here to say, you have made the corect decision. One ALWAYS has to remember that there is somebody that has is roughfer that you. I'm 57 and about 11.5 % of my life has been in hospitals for one thing or another. At one was where I was raped by two young men 18 yrs. old, when I was only 7, and the about went on for over 200 times. I put the past behing me and thought all was going along ok, until I was struck by a subway train in your fair city and all the horible past came back. The name of the hospital in NYC was the same as the hospital in MA where I was raped. But then I know of a person who was also hit by a subway train in NY and has only one arm. both leges and one arm are gone. So try to think on the possitive side. I KNOW IT IS HARD MOST OF THE TIME. anway welcome. take it from me, take one day at a time. bosishere

Hello Patrick,

your story is welcome here just as ours were

in due time you will be able to share a

little more, This is the first step.

As far as recovery, it is hard to see the

future. Be open to anything positive in

your life. I am glad you are here.

MJ

Patrick,

I dont know about the others, but dude, i got to say you hit right on one of my core fears in your post....

*I must say that I do not believe that I will be able to make any kind of meaningful recovery*

My story is in the our stories section, it covers a fair amount of ground, check it out when you have a min, ok?

When i am feeling good about myself i can see all the good things i have in my life and all my accomplishments.

When i am feeling lousy about myself i see myself as irreparably broken, and i honestly feel that the very best i can hope for in life is a miserable existance in quiet pain where i manage somehow not to pass on too much of my pain to my own children.

I read this book, and in it was this line...

*and as they believed, it was so*

i try so hard to keep one eye on the good stuff, i look every day for the miracles.

sometimes i find them, and sometiems i dont, but like bos said, its always one day at a time.

I am glad your here patrick, this is a good place, good people here, i am glad you found your voice some, i am interested to hear your thoughts and views.

Welcome home, we have been waiting for you.

John

It is hard not to relate with other survivors
I can relate to what john is saying. Glad you are here Patrick. There is support here.

Thanks to all for responding to my message. I think that after I read this site for a while I will have more to say. On Tuesday, when I see my therapist, I will be sure to tell her that I am attempting to participate here.

keep bailing the water out, i have no idea what is keeping me here, but was scary when i first posted, i thought i was being watched its not easy but i can leave some of my crap here and some times others here help let me knowwhats up,,,,good luck...

Thanks, Thunderbolt. The idea of throwing this stuff up for all the world to see kind of makes me uncomfortable too. However, I do not see that I have any alternative. My situation has always been so complicated that I don't know if I can express it all in a manner or chronology that will make any sense. Some of my issues don't deal with events, but non-events, as well. Things that weren't possible because of all that has happened to me, beyond the sexual abuse from my mother. Things like physical and emotional things from other family members, father mostly, as well as a good portion of the people around me growing up. Some of which started to happen again, a few years ago. So...right now I am going through a very confusing time. Anyway, thanks for responding.

patrick.....i wish i could offer you some words of wisdom, but i'm afraid my life is a wreck also.....i'm 42 and just began dealing with the abuse issues when i attempted suicide in january.....i tried again in april only to be hospitalized again......it seems i feel a little better for awhile but the darkness, the emptiness, the lonliness always returns......is it the same for you??????? do not post your story until you feel totally comfortable doing so.....if you ever feel that way....i've never posted mine but i have met several people at this site that i have spoken to alot....it helps.....i guess....today i'm not real sure.....the last few days have been very bleak for me....it is hard to see positive anywhere right now......is there anything positive in life???????? if you want somebody to talk to, feel free to e-mail me at mikedow24@hotmail.com.......if not, that is ok too.....take care of yourself....if i can help, please let me know.......michael