It's been a long time since I have visited and posted on these boards. I guess I thought I had pretty much dealt with my abuse issues and had been able to move on.

Unfortunately, recent events have suggested that may not be the case. My wife, who is also an abuse survivor, recently went out of state to a psych hospital that deals specifically with ritual abuse victims and dissociative identity disorder.

The day she left, things started falling apart for me. I got panicky, had a terrible feeling of dread and doom. I couldn't sleep, had no appetite, had trouble focusing and lost enjoyment in normally pleasurable things.

Well, I recognized the signs of depression and panic disorder showing up again. So, I started looking for a counselor to help me deal with what ever was going on.

It was in my session this afternoon, that we were talking about my fear of being alone. She asked me if there were any times I remembered as a kid of being left alone, or being forced to be alone.

Then it all came flooding back. Being locked in a closet by my 6th grade male teacher. I had been emotionally abused at home and was looking for someone for love and acceptance. Well, the teacher ended up physically abusing me at school. Corporal punishment wasn't just tolerated, but encouraged.

When I told my folks he was beating me, they assumed I deserved it and I got it again at home. So I quit telling.

Then he and I ended up alone at the church basement which doubled as the school gym. He was trying to teach me how to use a punching bag. I was never tough enough, man enough, or whatever for him. I so desperately wanted his approval.

Well, when I couldn't get the rhythm of the punching bag (being a bit of a clumsy 12 year old), he started yelling at me and I ended up crying.

That sent him off into a rage and I tried to get away from him. He chased? or forced? (not really sure about that) me into the storage room where the gym mats were kept.

He locked the door and I could hear him punching that bag with a great deal of force. I was terrified. Eventually, he burst into the room, accused me of behaving like a girl. He then showed me how sissy girls get treated. He raped me.

Back to the present....I have been in therapy dealing with this issue for several years. I had infact, "finished" dealing with the issues according to my last counselor.

I guess not. When I was describing the memory, the really intense emotions came when talking about the waiting....locked in the room, waiting for him to come and let me out. I don't even have any strong emotions left about being raped. I have dealt with those issues.

I guess I am a little dazed and a little confused. I've dealt with these memories already. Talked them out, relived them, written poetry about them. I am not sure why all of a sudden these things would come back as if they hadn't been dealt with at all.

All I can say is tonight I am hurting and confused. With my wife's abuse history, I really can't depend on her to listen, support or help me process this stuff.

Does it ever end? Can there ever really be an end to the panic attacks, depression, and crap?

Tonight, it feels like I am back on the same not-so-merry go round. Rehasing old stuff.

Jeff

Hi Jeff,

I stopped therapy about ten years ago, thinking I was done and I had things under control. A recent bout of depression and self destructive behavior has me back in therapy again.

I think we can never totally escape how we have been affected by the past and sometimes things will come up. Each time I come out of a down cycle I become a stronger, better person than before. Of course going through the down cycle sucks big time. I am trying to pull myself out of it by focusing on becoming better and stronger after this relapse.

Sunny

Hi Jeff

This is my own peronal opinion.

"Does it ever end?"

No I dont think so as our abuse is so ingrained into us but........


"Can there ever really be an end to the panic attacks, depression, and crap?"

Yes I am pretty sure there can be an end to all these things by way of the tools that we pick up during our recovery but foremeost we have to look after ourselves both mentally and pysically, all the negative things that we can experience tend to happen to me when I am feeling out of sorts ....... We have to keep using those tools that others have who have passed that way before hand over to us unconditionally.

No it doesnt end but it does get better as Coldplay once sang "nobody said it would be easy but in the same song they also sing "I didnt realise how hard it would be" or words to that effect.

Take it easy

kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"

hi Jeff, i'm Jeff too.

i dont think it ever completely goes away. i think we can be healthy most of the time, but any time something really major comes against us, i suspect it would tend to come back like this. the difference is that you recognize it before it gets too bad, and you can put things right again pretty quickly unlike before.

i will pray your wife gets better, and i will pray for you as well. hang in there. you'll be okay.

Just drifting by here a moment, and read this.

Does it ever end? Hard to say. Probably, totally end, so that nothing ever triggers us, so that nothing ever panicks us or make us think of the past, probably no. Does it ever end so that those things rarely ever happen? yes, I think so.

I think it would take some super-human creature to fully 'recover' so that none of this is ever an issue to them ever again. But people do move on to living full, complete lives with very little thought or effect from the past. I am lucky, I know that I am part way there, when I compare how I am now to three years ago. I wish you great luck in your continued recovering of all this. I would stress 'patience', even though that is such a hard thing! Good luck.

Leosha

Thanks for the support guys. I am still a little overwhelmed right now at the intensity of feelings that I was pretty sure I had dealt with already.

What isn't helping right now is that my wife isn't in a place where she can really handle hearing about how I am doing.

She's having knee surgery on both knees on Tuesday and this morning told me that she'd probably sleep the first night or two out in the recliner. Then she said, "And I don't want to hear any of your whining about being alone."

Well, I guess telling her about how panicky being alone makes me is whining. So, I won't share those feelings with her right now.

Sometimes being married to another abuse survivor is difficult. Between her stuff and my stuff, it seems that there always "stuff" going on. And often, it makes it hard to tell or listen to the other's feelings.

Jeff

i had to laugh, because i am married to a survivor too. nothing like two people with issues to just make life a roller coaster, huh. women dont seem to handle whining well. i hurt my hip, and my wife informed me last night that she didnt want to hear about it anymore. i really didnt think i was saying that much.

Jeff,

From a biological perspective, the crap never leaves us. Our developing brains wired themselves to protect our inner child/children. the brain does not recognize time. Today or 30 years ago. Left to its unconscious self, if will react in what ever survival mechanism it has perfected.

And I do mean perfected. The endure the crap you endured required a masterpiece of pprotection. You should be proud that that brain has done, and still is doing, such a great job.

I think this is why there is a 12th step in the 12 step process. That is why we all type here. By helping someone else through their moments of hell, it allows us to remain somewhat grounded in our own journey. It seems that the more that we share to others the more benefit we seem to reap.

No, it does not go away...but it does not have to rule our lives.

Have a great day!!!

Danny

Jeff,

I wonder if the problem here isn't so much a specific abuse issue as a feeling of vulnerability and exposure while your wife isn't available as a source of support. I know when my wife is away I don't like the idea much - she's such an amazing source of support and good old common sense, and when she's gone I feel like half my cannons are unloaded. Does that sound feasible?

On your question: I don't think it ends in the sense of reaching a point where what happened doesn't matter anymore. But would we want to get to such a point? I sure don't.

I think what we get is peace. We reach a point where the memories no longer have any power to harm us or prevent us from living full and joyful lives. That sounds pretty good to me.

Much love,
Larry

Larry,
When I think about what you said about vulnerable, I was thinking that was the case until my session with the counselor. When we started talking about being alone and different feelings, she asked me if I had ever been forced to be alone.

While recalling the abuse incident, there was a tremendous amount of VERY intense emotions, obviously emotions that had not been dealt with yet. I am working on them now.

Jeff