Wow, Blake. First, as I say before to you, welcome here. I wish very much you did not have occasion to be here. But I am glad that you find it, and that you find this site helpful to you so far.
This post, your feelings, it is such reminder to me of me when first I get here. I bet anyone else responding here can say the same thing. Those feelings, those fears, they are not unique to you. Not at all.
As to 'why are you even here', I am not sure on what level or what about you speak on that one. Why are you 'here', as in survivor site, well, hopefully to get the help and support and understanding to help you get through this. If it is the more general 'why am I here' as in, still alive and breathing, well, I hope the answer is similar. To survive this, to heal from it, and have a positive and healthy life.
Welcome here, and please accept the positives this site can give you.
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.
"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963