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#55182 - 03/08/06 10:46 PM why cant i seem to do anything right ?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
do i see the world so differently that i cant tell the difference between right and wrong?seems like instead of being in control of my life ,i'm just being pushed along on a wave out of control,crashing through life ,from one disaster to another.ok maybe i am the source of my problems but how can trying to do the right thing always turn out wrong? sorry to rant but i just dont understand the so called normal people in this world . a few days ago i tried to stop a little boy fron crying ,simple little act ,no other motive except i cant stand to see a kid crying ,so the kid wanted some cookies at the store but the mom didnt have enough money ,like a fool i bought the cookies and gave them to the kid ,well mom throws a shit fit ,saying she dont need my charity ,it's none of my buissness ,made the kid cry again when he had to give the cookies back .it was like she physicaly slapped me ,turning something i thought was good into a shitty experience.ok i'm going long here so excuse that ok? yesterday i got a call from the hospital ,my ex neighbor who lived on the farm next to me had a heart attack ,where i am from ,neighbors take care of each other ,just the way it is ,so i have helped him on his farm many times and he would do the same for me .my neighbor was 78 years old and i think that those of us younger should kinda watch out for the older people you know ? dont just ignore them ,they can teach us so much .so i'll say we were good friends ,in the three years i lived there i never saw any of his family , about 3 weeks ago one of his sons dropped of his grandson to stay wiith him ,but the son just dropped him off and left ,so when he got to the hospital the old guy told them to call me ,not his family ,also his grandson was at the hospital alone .so i got there as soon as i could they said he was dying ,so i talked with him and made him let them call his family .i sat with him and held his hand ,so did his grandson ,i tried to make it eaiser for him ,he talked to us about his life and i told him i would take care of his animals ,he was worried about the stupid cows!as he got worse his grandson left the room and i held his hand and fell asleep in the chair .i woke up and the old man was crying ,he felt so hurt because his family didnt seem to care about him ,it broke my heart because i knew how he felt ,at 7 03 pm john died with me still holding his hand ,by far the saddest day of my life .i though that my being there for him was something good ,he didnt die alone also i tried to explain to his grand son about dying versus suffering .this was an emotional bombshell for me ,i was a mess inside ,ok too long i know .so at about 730 i was still in the room with john and the grandson ,we were just saying our goodbyes.when in busts the family ,a son and two daughters ,adults ,right off the bat the son is irate that they wer'ent called sooner ,and exactly who the hell was i ,what was i doing there? and to get the hell away from his son ,who was holding onto me crying,then they started asking the doctors why the hell they called me and who let me into his room !the doctors told them they called me at his request and it was my idea to call the family ,then the daughters started saying that i had probably been ripping the old man off !!that if he left me anything in his will they would fight it !what the hell ? i didnt want anything from him he was my friend thats all . then they said i dont know who the hell you are, but we want you out of here ,now! after all i tried to do they threw me out acted like i had done something wrong .the grandson wouldnt let go and they dragged him away crying !damn it i'm sick of the normal world if i have to be like those idiots to be normal then to hell with that . it just hurts so bad to try your best and get kicked in the ass everytime .it took everything i had to sit there and watch that man die !! i didnt want to be there ,i could have walked out ,but i didnt and an old mans death didnt have to happen with him totaly alone ,i swear one of these days i could just go off on the so called normal world . now i think that one of the hardest things i have ever done was just another mistake ,hell they'll probably try to sue me or some shit .you know those walls we built and are here trying to tear down ,well i aint ever giving mine up ,its not safe without them ,i'd rather feel nothing than feel like this.no more caring for me ,no more putting my feelings out there for people like them to walk on .no wonder i felt safe in the closet ,cause it aint safe out in the 'normal world for people like me.sorry i took up so much space here. in their world people dont do anything with out a reason ,just cause he was my friend ? they cant seem to believe that. everyone is out to get something ?,well not in my world ,they made my feelings seem like a cheap trick to get something ,i dont want anything from them or their so called normal world ,that world sucks even worse that the world we all live in at least we understand that caring doesnt come with a price tag . i'm so tired of life pulling shit like this on me adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#55183 - 03/08/06 11:57 PM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

I think your post is your own answer bro. You can see that you have done what was right, and surely that is its own reward.

It's unfortunate the assholes showed up to cause you to doubt, but trust your instincts. They are good ones.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#55184 - 03/09/06 12:16 AM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
It's shitty, no doubt about that.

God knows that your motives were genuine, and so does Roadrunner, and Johnsurvived, and WalkingSouth, and Kuurt, and Tj_Jeff, and Derdle, and all the others here that have come to know you the last few months. Hang on to us ok?, because we believe you.

In the end, you will be recognized for a selfless and caring person by those who most matter. Sometimes shit like this happens. I know it was stressful for you, that's obvious too. \:\(

Hey, the cookies for the kid thing? Well, sometimes parents so no just for discipline and to teach kids that they can't have everything they want. A more tactful way would have been to ask the Mom if it would be allright to buy them, or so I think. Hell I don't know though, I never had kids so it's hard for me to say.

Don't stop being you Adam. Be proud of yourself and happy that you did the right thing with that neighbor of yours.


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#55185 - 03/09/06 03:27 AM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Adam,

You kept vigil. It is lonely, and painful, and hard to do. But it is important, both to the one you keep vigil for, and for those in his life, including yourself. It is an honorable work you have performed, and I hope you will honor yourself for having done it. Also, I hope that you will continue this observation of the passing of a life by allowing yourself time to mourn him, whether alone or with others.

I am sorry for your loss of someone you cared for.

A safe hug from a friend,
John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#55186 - 03/09/06 04:14 AM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Adam,

If only the world had more loving caring men like you! I am a nurse, I see many people die alone. You are a hero. What you did, few would do. Judging by the families reaction, I can see why John called you. I am glad that you were there for the old man and his grandson.

You did the right thing, the fact that there are assholes out there does not chang that.

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#55187 - 03/09/06 03:39 PM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Shadow, you did everything right. There's just no explaining some people. If you can, (and boy do I know how hard this is) focus on what you did for the old man and his grandson. That's the important part of your message that I read. I read about an incredibly caring man who didn't let a friend die alone and who helped a boy try to understand death. It was a beautiful story.

And then I read another story about how sad it was that a man's children didn't get to the hospital in time, and took out all of their frustrations on a kind friend who had been with their father when he died. I not only felt sorry for the friend, but for the man who died. Life with those people must have been very unpleasant.

I bet he was glad it was you sitting there calmly and kindly holding his hand. You did a good thing, Adam....a very good thing.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#55188 - 03/10/06 04:37 AM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Adam,

I think the fact that the old man asked for you speaks volumes for the kind, decent, and caring man that you are. The fact that his family were being little shits is not reason to feel bad for the way you acted. You did the right thing.

I agree with you. If the way they are is normal, I want no part of it.

You're one of the good guys, bud.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#55189 - 03/10/06 01:23 PM Re: why cant i seem to do anything right ?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Adam You acted as a caring man who just wanted to help, The man who just dropped his son off is not normal. He didn't want to take even a minute to say hi to his son's grandfather.

Keep up the good work and just be yourself. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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