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#55154 - 03/18/03 12:17 PM My First Post
JAG Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 3
Loc: Australia
It is almost 3am here ( downunder ) as I make this post, many hours of web searching have lead me here. Perhapse amoungst those who understand I can fully let out some of those things which I have refused to look at, unable to confied to those closets.

Around the age of 8 I was sexually abused by grandfarther, at the time we where living in the same house. And we shared the same room for around a year, I am un sure of how many times this happened. He would often wake me up by fondeling my genitals, or sometimes performing oral sex on me. I can still remember the sticky seamen he would make me touch, or even insist I taste telling me how good it was for me.

The abuse stopped when we finally moved away from him, but whenever I was with him he would give me porn magazines to look at. He was the hub of the family and we where constantly regaled with stories of him playing Santa Claus for dis-advantaged childeren. He was an artist and also a keen woodworker, who would believe such a man capable of such wrong.

I kept the secret of what he had done, fearing I would divide the entire family. It wasnt until my younger sister at the age of 4 came in and told me that Grandad had touched her between the legs that the truth came out. I took her straight to my Mother and made her tell, but I still never told of my abuse.

The police where never called, my Uncle threatened to kill him if he touched us again. He cried and promised not to and it was all forgotten. Our dirty secret ..

I guess all this got buried behind a lot of other pain, you see I also got lumped with being a mixed race ( black/white ) kid from single parent family. You all might not know but it took Australia until 1973 to finally axe the white Australia Policy, so it wasnt to freindly I can tell you know.

One day at his house I found a local street directry which had all of the primary school's circuled, I never told and hate myself for this still.

He died soon after, I remember feeling nothing when my Uncle arrived to tell me at 2am. We all gathered at the hospital, noone shead a tear. I never cried even when I carried his ahses in a box and spread them into the bush as he wished.

I thought I had buried this with him, but now I see that so many after effects linger. I have told myself I accept this and that my life is uneffected, in fact I seek every other explination as to whats wrong with me.

My whole life up to now is has been racked by self defeating behaviour, I have systmaticaly gone about always being a dissapointment.

As much as want to I cant get relationships right, and their has been no shortage of takers.

Im am just coming apart latley, I feel a self destruction sequence on the way once again. These seem to happen every 2 years .. Same order always. Go broke, get new girlfriend, get new job get life together only to start again.. I see now why I guess ..


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#55155 - 03/18/03 12:32 PM Re: My First Post
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Glad you found us Jag. I'm fairly new here and i still don't have a lot of answers.

It helps to have people who are in the same boat and who can empathise. no one who hasn't been there really can.

Feel free to vent here.

Some of the people who have been recovering for some time have good advice.

Take care,

Edwin

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#55156 - 03/18/03 03:17 PM Re: My First Post
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
JAG,

Thank you for sharing about your life, here. I hope you realize after reading the posts by others, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE . You have many brothers here who understand your frustrations with the cycle your life keeps taking. We all have and do experience these cycles because we have all been abused in one way or another.

The important thing is that you have survived your sexual abuse and you are now in recovery by the actions you have taken. First, by researching and finding this site. Second, by sharing your story with us. It took much courage for you to share this, and you have taken an enormous first step in your self help and recovery.

Next, you should know that it is important to seek someone to help you with your recovery. If you have not gotten into therapy with a licensed therapist, you should do so right away. You should find someone who has experience with male survivors of childhood sexual abuse issues. If you don't know where to start, I can share what I did just two months ago.

I called the local rape crisis hotline and explained that I was an adult male who needed to find a therapist who was experienced in childhood sexual abuse matters. I was referred to several and I found a therapist that really worked out for me.

Also, if you log on to malesurvivor.org and then go to the "survivor" menu and click on "adult survivors" you will find articles by survivors and professionals to read that will help you. The one that helped me immediately was titled, A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping by Ken Singer, LCSW.

Good luck in your recovery, and welcome to you, brother male survivor.

Sincerely, Jess.


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#55157 - 03/19/03 04:59 AM Re: My First Post
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jag Glad that you found this place. It has been a great help to me in my healing. There is tons of help here for all.
As Jess said finding a good T is very important in your healing process. You need some one to talk things out with one to one. Keep coming here for help
Quote:
He was an artist and also a keen woodworker, who would believe such a man capable of such wrong.
So many times our perps hide their evil ways behind the good person everyone else sees. My perp was loved by all except the altar boys he abused from 1946-1965 when he died.We all here know the true face of evil no matter what mask the perps hide behind. Best of luck in your healing you are with good people here. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#55158 - 03/19/03 12:59 PM Re: My First Post
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jag
Welcome to MS, a truly International group of survivors whose aim in to help and support each other.

The problems you have are shared by many of us, we feel guilty and ashamed of what we did, and what we didn't do. It's a bum deal.

But the truth is our present problems are a result of what THEY did to us. I hope we can help you on the road to believing that.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#55159 - 03/19/03 06:41 PM Re: My First Post
JAG Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 3
Loc: Australia
Thank you for the welcome.. It helps to speak amoungst those who understand. This I guess is the true start of a journey I have avoided making for some time. Its a hard thing right now, I have spen the last 3days away from work and just feel unable to be around other people.

The night I typed this first message I foud myslef sleeping in the spare room, with the constant feeling of another presence. I have alowed myself to talk a little to my partner about some of the issues, but I know it must be hard for her.

I have for some years now been asking myslef why cant I be like others, I just dont seem to gain satisfaction out of anything I do in life. I never have that feeling of job well done for longer than a minute, and often find myself devaluing my work.

It wasnt until I began to read the list of after effect in male adults that I saw myself described in great detail. I was shocked to note that back pain and chest constriction where on list as physical side effects. Both which have plauged me most of my adult life..


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#55160 - 03/19/03 08:32 PM Re: My First Post
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi jag,

There are a couple of stories on this site, if you go to the show all topics button.

If I did it correctly I will give a link here to a man with a story about his granpa and he. I think it will help.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=10;t=000020

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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