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#55088 - 03/08/06 04:42 PM Just want a normal life
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
It suddenly dawned on me this morning, I don't know if I want to confront my brother because he might dismiss or deny the abuse, get angry and possibly loose my brother and his family for a long time.

I want to be normal, currently I have a surprisingly normal relationship with my brother. Confrentation might ruin that.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#55089 - 03/08/06 05:46 PM Re: Just want a normal life
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
jtt5254,

I think the answer to the question of whether or not you raise this issue with your brother depends entirely on you. What do you want? What do you NEED?

If you confront him in some adversarial way, then he may well deny everything. This would devalidate you as a survivor and could damage the relationship you feel you have with him. But on the other hand, it may be that what you NEED is for him to take responsibility for what he did to you.

If what you want is reconciliation, on the other hand, then you still may need for him to accept responsibility. You may want to seek a way to raise the subject that would encourage him to be honest and not send him running for cover.

Confronting a sibling abuser ought to be pretty rough in any case, and you should read what Ken Singer has to say about confrontation in his article on this site on "Disclosure and Confrontation". You ought to be well prepared, and you need to feel emotionally ready. It is something I would certainly discuss with your T.

The bottom line in all this, however, is that YOU are the one who counts now, and it is YOUR needs that should take priority, not his need to remain unexposed and the family's (possible) concern that no one should rock the boat.

Decide what is best for you and go for it. It may be that you decide that you wish to let the matter rest. I would find it difficult to do that, but your case is your decision. In fact, that's the whole point. YOU have to decide. It would be one thing to remain silent as a matter of your personal decision, but something else entirely to feel condemned to silence by a perceived need to accommodate the preferences of others at such massive cost.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#55090 - 03/08/06 06:38 PM Re: Just want a normal life
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
In Abused Boys, Mic Hunter says that when it comes to telling and confronting others, we should consider what we have to gain from it, and also realize the worst case of how they might react. will confronting him further your healing? what if he does deny it all? i think you need to go in prepared to deal with the worst. there is no formula of what each person needs for their healing. for some that confrontation might be vital. they might absolutely need that to vent and express themselves. someone else, might never have to tell anyone face to face. i feel that recovery is very personal, and if you have any doubts about it, wait. unless you know that it is the time and place to do something, dont. if the time comes when you have to confront him, i think you will know in your heart it is time, and that it is something that has to happen.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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