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#54998 - 07/16/03 11:03 PM When you first disclosed....
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Hello All,

I wanted to start this topic to discuss the types of emotions, reactions, and feelings that you go through when you first disclose and/or begin to deal with SA. Also to get some ideas on how to start the healing journey and how to think about it on the way.

Being a beginner myself, I feel it would be very helpful though it is an admittedly general discussion and each individuals circumstance is unique.

I think it'll give us beginners a good perspective on where to start and whats ahead. For the guys who have more experience on the road to healing maybe it'll give you a chance to look back and see how far you have come.

I'll start with my own experience. I first disclosed my SA to a friend about six months ago. Since that first time up til about a month ago I hadn't talked to about it at all. Was in a state of second denial. Didn't believe I had to deal with it anymore or that all I had to do was disclose it.

Then it started to creep back into my consciousness, so I looked for answers on the internet and found MS (a truly life saving and life affirming find it was).

Without making this to much about my personal story, I'll just mention a few things of felt and gone through over the past month. I quickly ceased the opportunity and told my story as much as I could acurately tell in a short time. There was great relief, some real pain escaped. Also great relief at the acceptance and compassion I found here.

That was followed by a lot of anxiety about what I should do now and recently tension with my family. I still haven't talked with my family and my SA is family related. So there is some anxiety there.

I realize the way I did it was just kinda let the flood gates open and drain it out. Kinda dramatic. Maybe to much at once. There is a mixed sense of calm and ansgt now.

But I can see that there is a road ahead, which is a good feeling.

I know there is no 'roadmap' to the healing process but maybe if we share our stories of what it was like at first we can get a general sense of it.

Hope this is helpful.

Take care, may we all find the peace and healing we need!

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#54999 - 07/17/03 04:51 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Martin,

I am not totally sure what you are looking for in this post. I know for my self I was in a sense forced into admitting that I was abused for health reasons. I felt shame, I wanted to run out of the doctor's office as fast as I could. After a couple of weeks of deep thinking I finally came here. This site has saved me from my self on may nights.

As for a road map like you said their is no such map. It is different for each person. If you can name a feeling some survivor felt that when the started talking about their abuse. I have worked alot with abused children and I have seen so many different emotions and feelings come out when they first talk about their abuse.

As far as being new to healing most of us here are new. I find that the best "road map" for me at least was to come in and talk openly about what happen to me and to be open about my life to you guys on this board. It is different for everyone, the best advice I can give you is be your self. On this road to recovery from sexual abuse alot of us push our self's to fast. This is a long road to be traveled for most of us it might take our whole life to travel it. Do remember that it is not the end that is the important part of the journey, it is the journey it self. Just traveling this road of healing makes us better men.


lots of love, Nathan


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#55000 - 07/17/03 05:42 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
ummbikes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/08/03
Posts: 4
Loc: S.W. Washington
I've recently began a dialoge with my wife about my abuse and it hasn't always been a fun process but is has been a good one. She is a great woman. Stick it out! \:\) It isn't always easy but it is worth it.


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#55001 - 07/17/03 08:09 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
My very first disclosure was to my wife after 25 years of marriage and 31 years of total secrecy.

I was in a mess, acting out and depressed, and I knew I needed to do 'something' - but what ?
Anything I did involved telling someone about the abuse.

So my first feeling was terror.

One night at the dinner table my wife said that some friends had invited us on holiday with them to New York and Boston, free flights as he has a good job with a major airline as well.
But I just couldn't face the thought of continuing the lie I was living in close proximity to our friends for three weeks, and I just said "no. I can't do it." obviously she asked why and somehow I overcame the mounting terror and told her "I was sexually abused at school, I need some help"

And the short pause while she gathered her thoughts and replied saw that terror reach a level that I never dreamed possible. And as part of my acting out I took big risks to get the adreniline rush, so I knew terror.

I have no idea what she said to me, the words are long gone, but the change of emotion from terror to relief was so great I broke down for a long while.

All of this was unplanned, I had no idea what I was doing, what the outcome would be, or anything. And what I call 'terror' includes all shades of uncertainty, self doubt, shame, doubting my wife and all the negative things a victim feels.
Relief was a good feeling.

I still get these feelings when I disclose to someone new, although they are now much reduced. And I have control of them, right from making the decision to disclose,( which was apparently spontaneous when I told my wife,) right through to the relief at getting a positive reaction from the person I tell. ( at worst a non commital reaction )


And a lot of the 'terror' was because all the feelings I was experiencing were new and unknown.
What we don't know, we fear.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#55002 - 07/17/03 10:14 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Nathan,

I'm not sure really what I'm lookin for either. Just to get a sense of what it was like for others. To see how to begin and the road ahead. To offer a place to coalesce some stories about making a begining on the road to recovery, and maybe show some of the other new people the road.

All good reasons I think. There is no answer.

Thanks.

Your friend,
Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

Top
#55003 - 07/25/03 07:20 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
The first person I told was my Dr. when I thought I was at the end of my rope so to speak and I was terrified. Fortunatly he helped me find a pretty good T and that got me through a few years.

Since then I have told several good friends, my wife, and frankly won't keep it a secret from anyone if the subject comes up and it seems appropriate. I am a bit cocky maybe about the subject now and feel like if someone can't handle what happened to me that is their problem to deal with. I sure as hell have to handle it.

I still however have never told my parents. I am still trying to figure that one out. I used to think I would have to some day in order to get better. My T helped me see that it is my decision whether I tell them and while there may be ramifications both ways it is my decision. It has helped me a great deal to realize it is my decision as to whether I tell them. That was a real freeing realization. I may decide to, I may need to, I don't know yet. But it is my decision.

Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#55004 - 07/25/03 08:55 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brent
I'm in just about the same position, if I tell someone and they can't deal with it - it's their problem. I don't fall out over it, but I know where I stand with them.

I haven't told my parents either, they're both in their mid 80's and have enough problems without mine.
It's the decision I've taken entirely on my own although others know about it including my brother.
I often wonder what the outcome of them knowing would be.
I'm 99.99% certain it would be a loving response, but the pain attached would be too much for them now.

The grain of doubt sometimes bothers me, and once they're gone I'll never know fro certain.
But how many certainties are there in life anyway ?

20 or 30 years ago was the time to disclose to them, or better still at the time of my abuse.
But.........

And I ain't got any answers to "but"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#55005 - 07/25/03 10:24 PM Re: When you first disclosed....
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Thanks Lloyd.

Why is it that we can't or won't tell our parents.

Why is it that it is so hard to tell anyone.

I have spent a lot of time on those questions lately.

Why didn't I tell any one when it was happening.

There is two reasons why I haven't told my parents.

one, I am afraid they may have known. And if so I don't want to know that. I don't think I could handle it.

two, As with you, they are older and what couyld they do now except hurt. or feel guilty.

I ask myself what good would it do.

Why am I at 39 years old still afraid to talk to my parents about something that was not my fault and did me so much harm.

It does not make sense. I do not understand how the guilt and shame takes hold and why I accept it when I know better.

I am rambling, sorry, the thoughts are just coming out. This is a good thread for me right now. Hope it is helping someone else as well.

Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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