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#54798 - 12/18/06 04:09 PM Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I didn't think I would tell my story here. Not this soon anyway. So I'll try to do it quickly, or I will change my mind and delete it all.
I've been in the chat a couple times, but haven't been able to tell anything, yet.

I turned 17 years a few months ago.
I have no brothers or sisters.
My mother died in a caraccident, when I was 14.
My father almost died then, was in the hospital for nearly 7 months.
I missed, still miss, my mother a lot. I've always wished it was the other way around, that my dad died instead of my mother.
For the simple reason that he has abused me all my life, first it was only physicall abuse, but when I was 7 it turned also into s.abuse. He would sometimes also bring other people with him. I can not say the word, still. My mother couldn't or didn't want to stand up to it.
He didn't do it anymore after the accident, but while I was placed into a fosterfamily much the same happened there. So I was glad to go home, even though he still hits me.
I know christmas won't be a pleasant day. There will be no family or presents. Just him drinking way to much, like usually, and me, trying to stay away from him as much as possible.
I've been looking around carefully for a way to get out of here, but he can't know, not of this site, or of my plans, because i know he'd kill me.
Anyway, that's me.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54799 - 12/18/06 04:26 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Welcome to MS Stefan,

I am sorry that you have the things in your past that bring you to this site - but I am also glad that you where able to find this site - I have found much help here in talking to others about the things that I can talk to no one else about - people here really do understand our pains - they been through pains themselves - all our stories are diffrent - yes - but the pains caused by the past are much the same - talking the pain out can help to diminish it greatly...

I applaud your bravery in posting your past here

I hope to catch you in the chat room sometime

Try to do something just for you on christmas - something that YOU want to do - leave him to drink by himself...

take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#54800 - 12/18/06 05:04 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Hi Stefan,

I am sorry about your abuse and about your mother. Of course I can't know how you feel, but I did lose my mother when I was 19, so I can relate to some of that pain.

It takes a lot of bravery to tell your story but it is a least a way to begin healing. Welcome to MS. I know you will find a lot of good support here. I know I have.

Like Jeff, I hope you will be able to do something for yourself on Christmas, that will bring you some happines.

Take Care,
Keith


Top
#54801 - 12/18/06 05:26 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi again Stefan. That must have been incredibly difficult to write. Why do I say that? I say that because I remember the very first time I tried to talk about it, (when I was older), I thought I could just "say it" but then all of a sudden I started crying, etc. The very first time is hardest to talk about.

But may I offer a ray of hope? You CAN find answers here, answers to the many different questions that I'm sure you now have. Also, (I know this isn't much comfort for you but it's sooo true), you're trying to address this problem right NOW, you're not waiting 30 years to deal with this crap the way that many of us here have done. This is a big deal, cuz let me tell you, one of the worst aspects of CSA is that it can rob you of any purpose/meaning/direction, it can in essence rob you of the future you would have otherwise had.

Stefan, by trying to deal with it now, you're going to greatly minimize the impact that it will have on your life, and you will find many people here that are willing to help you.


Top
#54802 - 12/18/06 05:44 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Welcome Stefan

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#54803 - 12/18/06 05:49 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Stefan, you will see that you are not alone and your recovery begins when you reveal your story. And you have so the journey begins.

A votre sante, Etienne!!!
froggy12

_________________________
??

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#54804 - 12/18/06 10:55 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Hi Stefan,

We were in chat together yesterday. I am sorry to hear you story but am glad you shared it. This is a good safe place to come. I just want to welcome you here.

Dale


Top
#54805 - 12/19/06 02:50 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

Welcome. You've made a very important step toward creating a better life for yourself. You've broken the silence.

It's obvious from your post that you have a real challenge on your hands to stay safe. Is there anyone in your local area you can trust? Whom you care about and who care about you? They will be invaluable to you as a source of support. If not we'll try to be what support we can here on the site.

Again, try to stay safe and connected to us as best you can. You're a good person and what has happened in your life is NOT your fault. You have a lot of good things to offer, and you are loved.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#54806 - 12/19/06 11:37 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 824
Loc: Australia
Stefan,

I’m glad you found us, and proud of you that you were brave to share your story up front like that. Thankyou. You give us all strength by doing that.

I’ saddened and angered that the foster care system was not safe for you when your own home clearly was not. I guess there are no other safe and trusted relatives you could live with? I wouldn’t blame you if you are cautious about trusting the authorities again for your protection. Perhaps somebody else on the boards living in your country knows about some other form of assistance?

Regarding trying to keep this site private from your father, can I simply suggest you don’t create a “favourite” or “bookmark” in your browser program. That way it won’t be as easy for him to find the site. You might also want to clear your browser memory each time you finish your internet session.

Welcome to MS. Try and stick around of you can and take care.


Top
#54807 - 12/19/06 12:59 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, I am glad you found the strength to post and not delete it.
Your mom should have stood against it, and fosters should be safe people.

Its always best to be in the safest place, even if your dad is the only one.
I can only wish you peace at Christmas, but hope things get better for you,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#54808 - 12/21/06 03:00 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
Stefen,
Welcome to this site..You are very brave and it does get better,by starting at your age you can try to save yourself some grief and pain.I hope to see you at a retreat someday..Happy Christmas

Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#54809 - 12/21/06 01:47 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Hi everyone

Thanks for all of your replies.
Makes me more glad that i did actually write it out, even though it was really hard.
I know about deleting history and all so that's not a problem, also my father doesnt use this computer.
I'm trying to get out of here, I hope to get out when I'm 18 wich will be in about 10 months.
I'll be studying next schoolyear so then I'll get money from the government and with a job it should be enough.. I'm registered at 'Social student housing', wich has good studentrooms for a lower price then 'private owners' studentrooms.
So, that's my plan.. One more year should be okey.

I wish i could burry all of that happened for the rest of my life.. But I can't anymore, nightmares all night.
I'm glad i found this place even though it's a hard thing to face.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54810 - 12/21/06 04:05 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
Stefan,

I admire your courage. I'm sorry for what brings you to this site, but glad that you've found it. Here you'll find understanding and support. Here we're all brothers, sharing some pretty significant history. I'll echo another message that it's great that you're dealing with this now.

Like many others here I waited way too long to deal with it. In my case it was 40 years. I admire your strength. Know that your life will be better because of your courage to address this now.

Be careful and safe, brother.

Peter


Top
#54811 - 12/21/06 07:08 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, I remember the courage it took me to post, but I would have kicked myself if I deleted it.

You have made a big brave step by doing just that, and I hope that your wishes come true and more.

Keep up with your school work and get good grades, that will get you a better job,

all the best,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#54812 - 12/23/06 07:28 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
During the days I try to act as normal as possible, as if nothing is bothering me, and am just like my friends.

My best friends do know that my father and I don't get along and that he drinks to much (although they dont know how much it actually is) and they know of course that I still miss my mother..

But that's about it. I try to not let it show.
At night though, or when I'm alone, it all comes back though and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I've tried to ignore it for the past few years but it seems impossible now.

My father though seems to get more crazy each passing day, since like about a week esp..
I guess he doesnt like this time of the year either. He's starting to scare me though..
It feels embarrassing to admit I'm still not fully able to stand up to him, i guess he's still stronger then me at times, when he tries to hit me. I mean often i can just walk away now its easier then when i was a kid, but sometimes I cant avoid it. Like this morning.
I wish i had a lock on my bedroom. I dont want to have to camp in the bathroom for the coming days. I hope i dont have to.

I'm sorry about ranting like this but I guess i'm feeling a little bit depressed right now.

Stefan.

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54813 - 12/24/06 01:53 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
stefan..so sorry that you have to have this fear..at this time of the year...or for that matter anytime....i eel so sad when i hear about people stuck...no way out....please be strong..hold true to your beliefs...that thier is a better place....the best for you....steve


Top
#54814 - 12/24/06 02:09 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
its okey at the moment thanks, he's passed out right now.

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54815 - 12/24/06 02:21 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Hey Stefan,

Keep yourself safe. I'll be thinking about you.


Top
#54816 - 12/24/06 02:34 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
camping out in bathroom with laptop lol o well its safe at least.

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54817 - 12/29/06 02:43 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Hey, how are you now?
Still camping in bathroom?
Doesnt sound like a safe place at your home!
You sure you can't tell anyone, even if it's only a little bit?
You gotta get out of there alright, you dont want something bad to happen.
I'm in fostercare now and there are also good people..
Anyway try to keep safe and get out of there as soon as you can.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#54818 - 12/31/06 05:45 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
hey..

I know this isnt a good place.
Found out again, few days ago, father went crazy. Started yelling wich isnt unusual, but also started throwing stuf at me etc.
Anyway, its only a few bruises and a hurt hand.
I can live with that, until i'm 18 and can get out of the house.
Without having to tell people anything.
I know you all have a point.
I've just chosen to stay here, as its only a year more.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54819 - 12/31/06 08:55 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

Simply wishing you the best and sharing your hurt. Letting a few tears fall for you. Please do what you can to stay safe till you can be on your own, and keep talking to us. We'll do what we can to help bolster your courage.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#54820 - 01/01/07 07:47 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Stefan,

Often there are "safe houses" where teens can go and get away from a crazy-making place that your living in. Or, there are programs where the city government will determine that a child is unsafe and pull the kid out and put him or her safe. Have you tried that possiblity? Please do what you can to see if there other options for you.

Thanks for being on here.

Barney


Top
#54821 - 01/01/07 03:03 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Considering what happened last time I was placed to a fosterfamily, I do not look forward to that.
I know I'm older now and everything.

But also I'm not willing to tell people about what happened/happens.
So I'm fully aware its my own fault/ responsibility that I stay here and the consequences of it are what I've chosen to accept..
If that sentence makes any sense.

Well, anyway, means I've chose to stay here and put up whit whatever he does or does not do.
I'm used to it, I dont care much about it anymore. I've made it this far, one more year cant hurt to much.

Thanks for replying everyone.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54822 - 01/06/07 01:59 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Alright Stefan...
Just remember it's never to late to change your mind. And keep coming here, all the people on here are great and they'll give you all the support and advice you need.

Greets,

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#54823 - 01/08/07 02:38 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I can't help but think that I should be able to fight him of or something when he hits me.
I feel like I let him do this to me and that at age 17 I should be able to stop him.
I almost feel ashamed about it.
I have the idea he's becoming worse lately too, I hope it's just that he hasn't completely shaken his holiday mood of yet. Like yesterday he's been like that all day.
I had a good talk about it in chat yesterday but I can't help it.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54824 - 01/08/07 03:07 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, its not your fault that you cannot fight him off, at 17yo, I too would have been totally terrified in this position.

Do not think you are weak, I hope it is the holiday blues, and you can make it through to when you can get out.

The only way out of this situation if for him to get help, or you moving in with relatives or maybe a friend.

Maybe this is not possible, but take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#54825 - 01/09/07 11:52 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Stefan, If times are "dark" and you are feeling lonely take heart in remebering that you belong to the brotherhood of survivors and we will be your bright guiding light.

hope to speak to you soon.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#54826 - 01/12/07 10:30 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I don't know my fathers family. As far as I know I've never seen them.
My mother's family is pretty small, they also all live in the usa since some years.

I still miss my mother a lot, sometimes more then at other times.. A good friend lost his father about a year before my mother died. We talk about them at times wich is very good.
Other people don't understand. Wich is okey, its only normal. But also they are understanding and allow you to be sad the first few months but then their patience runs out. And they want you to be happy all the time, just like them.
And I'm good at pretending that I am indeed happy.

But lately it has become more difficult.
The memories of the csa, missing my mother, my father being difficult at times, nightmares, tired because of not enough sleep... It all seems something I can't push away anymore, not like I could before anyway.

I wish my father would have been killed in that carcrash instead of my mother.
At times I wish he'd drink himself to death or something, rather yesterday then today.
Sometimes I blame myself for what happened/happens.

I can freak out so easily. When someone touches my shoulder. Or attention from girls even.
People start to notice these things.
Ask me questions that I can't answer.

Sometimes I watch people and it's as if I'm watching a movie.
When the csa happened I could sorta go away with my mind, think of other things or of nothing so I wouldnt have to feel, see, hear.
I wonder what my life would have been if I'd be one of them. Normal, whatever that is.
Having a normal functioning loving family.


It's like these things catch up to me while I'm running away from them.

Stefan

You cover your eyes, if you can’t stand aside
Walk away
You cover your ears, so you don’t have to hear
Walk away
You cover your nightmares, you put them away
Cause if nobody knows them they might go away
Walk away, walk away,..

Walk Away - Racoon

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54827 - 01/12/07 10:40 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, I reckon you have the same name as me.
You know, I have difficulty crying, but not when I was your age.

I know its so hard to wear a mask of looking happy when you are so hurt, its not easy.
It hurts to read what you write, and it should never be this way.

It hurts me to think of what you are going through now, and I only know how I coped, which is not much good in your position today.

All you do need to know is, its not yr fault, OK,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#54828 - 01/15/07 02:46 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I haven't cried since I was 8 or 9. I just don't, don't feel the need to cry either.
Mostly I've accepted the situation wich is I guess the best thing to do as long as there's no way out.
I'm looking forward to go to college and my 18th birthday in october, so I can move out.
With the money from the government and my job I will be able to do so.
Until then I just gotta stay away from him as much as possible.
He's getting more aggresive each passing day though, I hope it's a temporarily thing.
I don't really cope at all.. Except I tend to get more depressed in the evening when I have nothing to do anymore and to much time to think. I have nightmares. And I guess, I come to this site. That's a start maybe.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54829 - 01/16/07 09:38 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
sounds like your in survivor mode..good place to be..we dont give up,....your father knows that your getter stonger that scares him..Keep up the fight Braveheart

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#54830 - 01/16/07 09:43 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
he is a sick man...you could fight him off....but your stronger then he is...your disire to live is stronger.....no excuse,but he was abused when was a child...WE must brake the cycle

Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#54831 - 01/19/07 02:54 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Okey... So he's finally gone to far, or something.
He hit me wednesday evening, knocked me out with a pan.. I don't remember much more except that I fell on the ground after he hit me with it and that it felt like it wasn't me he was kicking and then I passed out. I woke up again, puked and the next thing I know is that I'm in the hospital.
Appereantly 3 friends of mine had come to the house the next morning and found me.
Other then that I only know that everything hurts, that the police arrested my father and that police etc are coming tomorrow or today I dont know, to talk to me. I don't what's going to happen afterwards.
Doctor talked about some internal bleeding but nothing bad and a concussion and some bruised ribs and I broke my left hand and a lot of bruises everywhere.
I don't know what's gonna happen now. My friends visited me this morning and they looked/sounded kind of shocked.
I hadn't even thought of it myself but people suggested that I couldn't just go home afterwards and asked about family and everything but I didn't really reply to them.
I don't know what to say or do, I'm.. confused or something like that I guess.
He's been worse when I was much younger and they never placed me out of home and now they want to?
I don't know what I want though.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#54832 - 01/19/07 06:18 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, I read this post some time ago, and it really has me stumped and without a real answer.
Your dad needs serious help. He pretty much left you for dead.
He will go to jail for what he did, as it is a serious assault.
I hope you can find help to stay at home if that is what you wish.
Just dont be there when he returns!
Can any of your friends help?

There is nothing more I can say, but glad you got here today,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#54833 - 01/19/07 07:03 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I don't know, I have no clue as to what's gonna happen now. Or what I want. I don't really want to stay at home with him but i dont want to go to a fosterfamily either, i guess probably I'm to old for that anyways but yeah what else?
I don't know. Don't know what to say or not say, or to lie, say he didnt do it but how do i explaing what happened then. I guess key word right now is, is that i dont know anything atm..

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54834 - 01/19/07 07:08 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Stefan, you don't have ANY other family that you could stay with? Even on your Dad's side?


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#54835 - 01/19/07 07:11 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I don't know my fathers family, I haven't even seen them once, not that i remember anyway.
My mothers family i don't know very well either, they live in the usa though.

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54836 - 01/19/07 07:26 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Well Stefan I don't know what to say except that I don't know why your Dad had you or even tried to raise you if he wasn't going to be a FATHER to you and love you. You certainly deserved better than HIM. Is he out of jail?


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#54837 - 01/19/07 08:04 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Maybe social services can find you a flat to live in somewhere, or maybe a charity can find you something.
They have a duty to keep you safe, discuss it with them.
I know you want to protect him, but he has never protected you, and even if you fear him, he needs to be taught a lesson.
Dont lie to the cops, they wont wear it.
He needs to be kept away from you,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#54838 - 01/20/07 03:54 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I had a talk with people from the police and youthcare today, or I should say, they talked to me and I ocassionally nodded or shrugged.
Police said he's still in prison, but they can only keep him there if they have enough prove and they need my help. Well, I haven't really said anything yet but I did say yes when they asked if he did it. That's all.
Youthcare people said they would figure something out for me, like some grouphouse or temporary fosterfamilies till I'm 18 or something like that.
I don't know what to think of this all.
Painkillers make sure I can't think very clearly nor remember everything they said.
I remember I have tests from school next week, but if I'm like this I won't be able to take them.
I just.. I wished he'd waited a year before he lost his mind or something.
I don't really like what's going to come with fostercare and everything.
I just am so confused and.. somewhat down I guess right now.
Wish I knew what's going to happen now.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54839 - 01/20/07 03:59 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Stefan

Hang in there friend. I hope (perhaps that is the wrong word to use) Things will come right in the end for you. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Please, if you can, stay focused on your tests.

friend.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#54840 - 01/20/07 06:09 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, this is massive right now and nobody would expect you to know which way to go.
You told the cops he did it, which is enough to keep him locked up for a while.
Go for the best option from the youth workers, it wont be for very long.
Dont know about school, but under the circumstances, maybe they can let you sit them another time.

Wish I could give you better advice but I dont live in yr country, so I dont know what to really say.
In my country you could get him banned from any contact with you,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#54841 - 01/21/07 01:28 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Well, they said I need to lye down at least two weeks because of the ribs and the bleeding, but if there's a place for me, somewhere, I can get out of the hospital next wednesday or thursday probably.
I shouldnt even be online because of the concussion, but I don't care, I need to talk to people once in a while even if its just trough msn or this site. Thankfully my friends brought my laptop, clothes etc thursday.
So no school for a bit. But I guess they would let me do the tests another time.
About my father and where to live, monday the police and youthcare people come again, so I can ask questions then, I guess.
Thankfully painkillers block out most of the pain, but they also make me tired and not very clear. I spend the time between internet and sleep, but mostly sleep.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#54842 - 01/21/07 02:24 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
stefan so sorry...i hadnt read post recently...i didnt realize that your situtation had gotten so bad....boy would i like to come over there and kick his ass....anyways...i hope you get through this quickley...and you can find some people to help you along...it makes me so mad when i hear about this kind of stuff....please be kind to your self...stefan....and i am glad you have some friends to help you......steve


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#54843 - 01/21/07 05:52 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm sorry that you have a shitty excuse for a father. Please know that you're better than him, and that you will never be like him! He doesn't deserve to have a son.


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#54844 - 01/21/07 06:40 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Stefan,

I pray that the docs are doing everything they can to heal you and keep you comfortable till then

you in no way deserved what your father did to you - he is a very sick man - and he deserves to be locked up for a long time where he cannot hurt you again

I know this is a very scarey time for you - to be in so much hurt and confussion of what the future will bring - please know that there are lots of people here who really do care - you can talk things out with us - you do not have to go through this alone - we are here for you...

Take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#138715 - 01/23/07 09:26 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: TJ jeff]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I have thought of this a bit and talked about it in chatroom yesterday, but I haven't figured it out yet.
Like someone suggested, this is your best change ever to also tell the police of the csa.
They belong in jail where they can't hurt kids anymore.
Of course i agree with that. And those points crossed my mind too. But how to do this? I mean just agreeing that they belong in jail is something totally different then also doing it.
There are so many, not just my dad, also his friends and the people from the fosterfamily (when i was 14)...
I'm just scared to death of it. Of them also.
They've threathened me enough times 'if you tell then...'..
I have barely talked of the physicall abuse let alone this.
Answering questions from police about what my father did is so hard already. I don't know how to go trough whit telling about the csa as well.
It's just all so d*mn hard.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#138721 - 01/23/07 10:40 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
I have just read your latest posts, I'm really sorry this happened Stefan.
I do hope you will move to a better place now though.
At home obviously isnt a good place.
I remember how much it hurted when I broke/bruised my ribs last year, ouch!
I hope the healing part will be quick and not to painfull, don't be to hard on yourself. You do need those 2 weeks of lying down, trust me.
About wheter to tell the cops about the csa... That's a hard one. I can't tell you anything you don't already know.
If you decide to try though, maybe writing a letter about it, or printing this topic, might be a good idea.
Keep us uptodate if you can okey?
Fosterfamily traject isnt fun, just remember, in a small year you'll be on your own though.

Greets,

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#138729 - 01/23/07 11:16 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, they cannot just keep getting away with abusing kids.
If you can find the strength, you need to tell on all of them.
I know nothing is easy right now, but maybe you could get a counsellor to help you with it.

Most of us will tell you that abusers threats are little more than something to keep you scared of them, and a good spell in prison will make them pay and be 'outed'.

Its them who should carry the shame and guilt, and not you!
Its up to you though, but you would save so many from further abuse.
Whichever way this goes, do not blame yourself now nor in the future,

ste


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#139016 - 01/25/07 06:27 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: reality2k4]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Stefan - you mention that your friends are around and supporting you. Are any of their families willing to take you into their homes. It would be so much better to be somewhere that you feel safe when you leave hospital. Not everyone is like your father - show your friends what you have posted here if you think they will understand. If you cannot trust them all with this information, is there one friend that you trust more than others. Sometimes we have to take risks, can any of them betray you as much as that person with whom you have a biological connection?

I wish you well! Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#139079 - 01/26/07 08:09 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: RICK57]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I'm still in the phase of trying to figure out how to tell the cops about.
A little over a week I wasn't even ready to tell anyone about the physicall abuse, until i didnt have a choice anymore.
Let alone talk about this to friends.
I don't know if I can live with a friend. Maybe. I don't really want to be a burden on anyone either, esp on a friend's family.
So I'm not sure yet what's gonna happen on the living part.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#139084 - 01/26/07 08:54 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: reality2k4]
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Stefan,

I am sorry about your situation, and that you remain in it. I can relate to a father such as that. There is not so much we can do, but to try to survive it. I am also sorry that in the place you went where you should have been safe, it also occurred. I hope that at some point soon, something can happen and be done, to protect you further, and improve your life. Welcome to here.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#139169 - 01/26/07 09:31 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Leosha]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stephan,

I've been thinking about you a lot. No person, let alone a young person, should ever have to be in a place where they are faced with the things you with which you find yourself faced. My heart goes out to you.

It's easy for us to tell you that you should do this or that. I know it's far harder when you're the one facing the decisions you'll need to be making. Many of us have faced this same demon in one form or another, and some of us are still there. Please know that you have our unqualified support as you work through this.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139675 - 01/31/07 04:34 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: WalkingSouth]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I'm going to go to a temporary foster family this thursday. It's in the same town as where I lived whit my father so I can keep going to the same school and everything.
I'm going to have my own room thank god.
I'm quite nervous about it though.
They seemed okey, met em for a little bit today they came to visit. I know I dont have to worry but its still..
Feels different.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#139694 - 01/31/07 06:50 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

You'll be in my thoughts. I'm wishing and hoping good things for you in your new situation. I just wish there were some way I could make it all go away for you so that you no longer had to worry about these things.

You're a strong person, and you'll make it through so continue to believe in yourself!

Lots of love,

John

PS - You're right. It is the best avatar ever! \:D

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139800 - 01/31/07 08:26 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: WalkingSouth]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hope all goes well for you....stefan.....thak care....steve


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#139875 - 02/01/07 11:32 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: sabata]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Stefan,

I am pleased to hear that things have started to move in a positive direction for you. Keep your spirits(not the drink, hehehe) up.

take care.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#140007 - 02/02/07 09:31 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: duncanUK]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
So this is my second day here...

They seem nice and everything, so that's good.
Thankfully I have my own room (and interconnection hehe).

I keep mostly to myself, in my own room, but they seem to understand it.
Also because of the ribs I cant move around much anyway, so I prefer to stay in my own room, rather then on the bank downstairs.

It's still unfamilliar and something I have to get used to of course, this place, these people.
There are two other children, their own child a 20 year old girl who lives in a studenthouse, and another boy of 10 years old who is here until he gets a permanent place.
I haven't seen the girl yet but they said she would probably come home next weekend.

But then again it isnt really important to try and trust them, or get used to this place as I will be going to another temporary fosterfamily in a month or maybe two months anyway.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#140011 - 02/02/07 09:59 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
This is good to hear. I'm so glad that you have a chance to live a half-way normal life now.


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#140426 - 02/05/07 07:46 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Hauser]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Going to go back to school tomorrow, on tuesday.
I'm wondering how many questions will be asked, I've been away quite a while.
But it will be good to go back, also. I've had enough of lying around, not being able to go anywhere. Tv and all that get boring after a while.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#140430 - 02/05/07 07:58 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hi stefan....keep your chin up...you are a great young man...you will do well....look to the future...for all of the good...take care.....steve


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#140432 - 02/05/07 08:08 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: sabata]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

I like what sabata said.... Look to the future... Good advise. Go to University, get an education, and go make a difference to another child someplace who needs a hand up.

I'm so glad you are now seemingly in a safe situation.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#140781 - 02/08/07 07:06 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: WalkingSouth]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hi...Stefan.....Hope Alls Well For You....Steve


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#142982 - 02/23/07 07:22 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: sabata]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
So.. it's been a while since all of this happened.
I dunno I should feel better maybe cus all of it is over and i'm safe etc etc.
But yeah, I dunno..
I feel somewhat 'on guard' all the time.. It's really draining though. And nightmares increased, a lot.
Those people i live whit are nice thats not the problem.
But it doesnt even matter much, i'm going to have to move every 6-8 weeks anyway, as this is temporary fostercare.
It's not gonna be great moving every so many weeks but ok.
And then there's the subject on going to the police, telling on all of the perps.. well .. enough things to keep my mind occupied anyway.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#143023 - 02/24/07 08:06 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Stefan012]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Hi Stefan...Hang Tight....It Will Get Better....Have Hope...PleaseTry And Be Nice To Yourself......Steve


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#143024 - 02/24/07 09:24 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: sabata]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Hi Stephen,

I'm new here. I just read your story. I'm SO very sorry you are going through this. I wish I were able to go there and help in person.

I'll be praying for you. I'm building quite a prayer list here at this site.

Robbie

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#143030 - 02/24/07 10:26 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: Still]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Stefan,

I just read through this whole thread for the first time this morning. First off, please accept my sympathy and my heartfelt hope that you find the care that you need as soon as possible. Not just physical but emotional as well. You are to be commended for your strength and your endurance. At some point in the future you will come to understand just how valuable these gifts are, and just how special you are because of them.

It's been said before, but it bears repeating. This was not your fault, any of it. As hard as it may be for you to hear, your father is a criminal, and he abused you. There is nothing that you could do to prevent this behavior. All the fault, all the blame, lies squarely on his shoulders, and on the shoulders of those others who abused you. You are to be commended for surviving. That was your job under those circumstances, you were not required at any time to fight back. Now your job is to heal, both physically and emotionally.

If you do not currently have a therapist, please consider finding one as soon as possible. Many of the symptoms you have described (your feeling of isolation, the nightmares, the feeling drained) are typical in people who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). And given your circumstances, I'd say it's a pretty good bet that you're going through that as well. This doesn't mean that you are "crazy". Far from it. It means that your mind is responding in an appropriate manner to the stresses you have suffered. It is actually a drastic method of self-preservation, as it virtually certain that there is no way you could have developed the psychological and emotional tools to process all that you have suffered. A good therapist can help you begin to address this, and work with you on putting things back together again within yourself.

Don't worry about trying to deal with everything, it will take some time for you to put all of the pieces of your self back together again, but you will be able to do it in time. The brain is just as much as part of the body as your ribs, and both can be broken. However, just like broken bones, the mind, given the proper care can repair itself as well. In order to feel whole again you will need to get the proper care and treatment for your mind and your soul. And the process of recuperation from those injuries will take time. Patience will be essential, but more important than that will be good psychological care. It's not important that you try to fix everything at once. But it is important that you continue the healing journey you have begun by coming here.


Stefan, it may not feel like it right now, but trust me, you are far stronger than you feel. Your spirit has not been broken, you have hope within your heart, and you will make it through this time of challenge, pain and despair. It might take you years to fully recover from the trauma you have experienced, but you're getting a head start on it by looking at these issues and asking for help now. That means that you are a lot healthier than you think as well. Many of the people here struggled to bury and repress their confusion, their doubt, their sadness for years, if not decades. You have the opportunity to make things right now, as opposed to 20 to 30 years from now. I hope that you will do everything that you need to do to get better. We are all here to support you.

You will never be the monster that your father was. And it is not your job to "fix" him. Concentrate on yourself. The only person you are responsible for in this world is you.

All my love, my hope, and my prayers go out to you.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#143076 - 02/24/07 04:41 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: tartugas]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

My sympathy's as for having to move from place to place. I can't imagine how stressful that would be. Hold on tight, and come here and talk, vent, laugh, etc., when you feel the need. You've got many brothers here who will understand.

Be safe,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#143303 - 02/26/07 03:54 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers* [Re: WalkingSouth]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Hey Stefan

I so understand what you're talking about!

It ís stresfull to have to move places all the time, at least it was for me. Esp. since i also had to change schools all the time.
It didnt matter that much since i had no friends at my old school anyway, but it still wasnt fun.
So I truly hope you'll be able to finish highschool on the same school, were your friends are.

I'm sorry you might not get a permanent spot to stay, that sucks man. I was going to go to a group home eventually, only because of the cancer they thought a fosterfamily would be better.
But, at least now you're in a safe place.

About wheter or not to tell the cops, don't worry to much about that. If you think you can do it, go for it, but not if you're not sure about it or feel like it would be to much to handle.
Cus the whole procedure, talking to the cops etc is very though.
Don't do it if you're not ready.

Sounds like tartugas had some good advice for you too!

Take care and I hope we meet in chat again soon.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#143310 - 02/26/07 04:34 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, do not be pushed into telling anything until you feel safe to do so, dont forget your own health comes first, so take your time.
You are bound to get triggers with so much moving and meeting new people, but you are safe,

ste


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#143792 - 03/02/07 03:41 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: reality2k4]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I know yeah more people told me not to rush into things, but yeah i dunno.
Like, it won't ever get easy.
There will always be something else too that will suffer under it like school or work or whatever.
And they might be hurting kids right now.
Maybe i could stop that?
I'm not sure though if i could handle it all though, everything that will follow if I do report them.
G*d I dont know what to do, I'm not sure of anything right now.
I hate the nightmares and flashbacks though that I am sure of.
There's this overall feeling of having to be.. on guard all the time. 'Vigilance' someone called it.
So.. I don't know what to do yet.
What is smart?

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#143793 - 03/02/07 03:59 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Stefan, it is the hardest thing to decide to tell rather than not, and the outcome can be pretty much the same either way.
If you do tell, then you save other kids, and if you dont you live
with the guilt of not telling.

Main thing to think of is yourself, and if you do tell, let them
know that they cant push you for evidence and give you your own
space to tell.

It is good to write an impact statement on how things affect you, because it is hard to relate in Court.
Flashbaks are common, but you will get better at handling them.

The choice is yours,

ste


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#143915 - 03/03/07 11:12 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: reality2k4]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Take your time Stefan.
Like Ste said, you come first.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#148470 - 04/02/07 10:42 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Alexander]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
The case on my father of the physicall abuse is going to be pretty soon.. ieks...
In 2 weeks actually.. I'm sorta nervous already.
I hope I won't have to answer to many questions.
It won't be easy especially as he will be in the same room.
And this is only the physicall abuse stuff..
I haven't even talked of the rest yet.
So... I'm not sure why I write this down, just wanted it of my chest a bit i guess.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#148592 - 04/03/07 11:35 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Stefan,
You are brave, nothing short of that. I just wanted you to know that there are SO many people on this website who are thinking of you and praying for you.
Please take that knowledge with you when you have to deal with your dad and his actions!
There is no doubt, ours is one fu**ed up and painful path, but with support and love from us who understand, you can deal with this. Stay strong my friend!
Much love,


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#148602 - 04/03/07 12:47 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
G*d I dont know what to do, I'm not sure of anything right now.
I hate the nightmares and flashbacks though that I am sure of.
There's this overall feeling of having to be.. on guard all the time. 'Vigilance' someone called it.


I'm glad we had the chance to chat last night. I hope the ideas we talked about help you in dealing with the nightmares. Do you have recurring nightmares - by that I mean a nightmare that keeps coming back?

For flashbacks, can you feel them coming, or do you just get suddenly overwhelmed? Something that can help you with flashbacks is to try not to panic as one begins. Try to "stay present" and tell yourself, I am here in my fosters' home and I am safe now; I'm 17. Put your hands out flat on the chair or on your knees and tell yourself, "THIS is real"; feel your feet flat on the floor and tell yourself, "THIS is real". This kind of thing will help you to at least avoid the feeling of dread and panic that just makes a flashback worse.

Vigilance: Man, let me write the book! That is a totally normal reaction for a survivor Stefan. What's happening is that abuse has taught you the world is a dangerous place - harm can come from anywhere. So you watch out for it everywhere. As you deal with other things and learn to trust that you are safe now, this will become less extreme.

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
So.. I don't know what to do yet.
What is smart?


You will learn Stefan. It's okay to feel confused and lost right now. What's smart? That's a different question. A few suggestions of things to keep telling yourself:

1. I am not to blame; none of what happened was my fault.
2. I am not alone.
3. When things get bad and I think I can't talk about it, that's when I MOST need to talk.
4. I am worthwhile and special, even if my feelings don't let me accept that yet.
5. It's okay to feel lost and mixed up. I'm not doomed.

You can do this Stefan - really.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148678 - 04/03/07 07:33 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Thanks a lot.

To answer your questions larry,
I do have some nightmares that come back all the time.
One is something i'm afraid of (appereantly) and is of them, being the perps, chasing me and doing stuff of what they'd threathened me whit, would i ever tell.
I haven't told about the s.abuse yet, but it's a topic that's on my mind a lot.
Other reocurring nightmares are from what happened back then whit my father and his friends.

The thing whit flashbacks is that I start to panic and often when it happens in public like at school I can go somewhere else like to the bathroom before it gets worse.
Not always though, sometimes it's like 'slam' very sudden.
I know people think I'm a freak.

I have heard some tips here and there about dealing whit panicattacks/flashbacks and I try to use them but often when they happen I forget about all of the stuff I've read up on.

Vigilance sure sucks it's tiring and the nightmares/ flashbacks/
panicattacks/not enough hours of sleep, do that also already.

When I still lived whit my father they weren't as bad as I have them now, not even close.

Whit the courtdate coming close, that doesn't help much either.

Something else I try to ignore, but can't really avoid, is people at school wispering, looking in my direction, pointing even.. I never told them that why I was in the hospital was because of my father, but you can't stop the rumours.
Lots of them know I suddenly don't live whit my father anymore, they can put 1 and 1 together.
And them gossiping about it, though now it's a while ago not as much as in the beginning anymore.
Like some even saying things as 'he's 17, why does he let his father hit him' 'he's old enough to defend himself' 'I don't understand he never stood up to him' etc.
It annoys me and upsets me too, at times. I try to not let them influence me to much but sometimes I can't help it.

Wow it's become a long post.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#148683 - 04/03/07 07:54 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
stefan...........hope it all works out for you.........please be strong........where i work.....they all gossip........and talk about others behind thier back.....look foreward to your future...............steve


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#148686 - 04/03/07 08:04 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

I thought I would break this up a bit:

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
I do have some nightmares that come back all the time.
One is something i'm afraid of (apparently) and is of them, being the perps, chasing me and doing stuff of what they'd threatened me whit, would i ever tell.
I haven't told about the s.abuse yet, but it's a topic that's on my mind a lot.
Other recurring nightmares are from what happened back then whit my father and his friends.


Dreams are complicated, but in general, when you have a recurring dream that suggests something that your mind is finding difficult to process. So when you're sleeping, your mind figures what the hell, I may as well drag this one out again. The subject you mention here makes perfect sense; you have already talked about your mixed feelings about telling. Part of you feels safe about telling and sees the importance of doing that, but there's also a part of you who is still Stefan the teen who's being abused, who has been told all the terrible things that will happen to him if he tells. That's a typical abuser trick, by the way. The ones I got were "Who knows, maybe someone will run over your dog", and "If you tell, your Dad will be furious and put you in an orphanage", and "If you tell, the church will vote and send you to hell".

Anyway, one thing you can do with a repeating dream is make up your own positive ending. Think about the dream as it is, but then supply it with a cool ending that you would like. Keep thinking about that, and recurrences of the dream may fade (because the issue you are dreaming about has been made less dangerous).

On telling about what happened, Stefan, take your time. Only go there if you feel it's something you are ready for. Personally, I think it's always a good idea to talk - that's a way of rejecting blame and refusing to stay shut up and powerless. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that no one here will blame you. But do think about whether you are ready to talk. This information is very private and it's YOUR property. Only disclose it if you believe that doing so will help you. You don't OWE it to tell anyone.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148690 - 04/03/07 08:19 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Stefan,

Thinking of you as the trial date approaches. Your brothers here will be there to support you when you need it. Keep us posted.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#148693 - 04/03/07 08:27 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Now to another bit:

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
I have heard some tips here and there about dealing whit panic attacks/flashbacks and I try to use them but often when they happen I forget about all of the stuff I've read up on.


I had that problem too, and here's an idea that I found helpful. I have several wristbands that I wear: I got them from various charities in the UK and Germany that work to stop child abuse. The coolest one is a purple one for male survivors and says "Silent no more! Live - Laugh - Love." When I was learning exercises to control flashbacks I would hold onto the wristband and review the exercises in my head. Then when I felt a flashback starting I would just hold onto the wristband again - something "present" and real - and that helped me to remember what I should do. Plus I could snap my wrist with the wristband! lol That helped as well.

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
Vigilance sure sucks it's tiring and the nightmares/ flashbacks/
panic attacks/not enough hours of sleep, do that also already.

When I still lived whit my father they weren't as bad as I have them now, not even close.

Whit the court date coming close, that doesn't help much either.


This sounds like anxiety about the unknown. You might be wondering what your father can still do to you, whether your foster parents would be able to protect you, and so on. And I think ANY guy here, including ALL of the adults, would tell you he would be freaking out as the day approached when he would tell a court what the abuser did.

It's important to remember that abuse causes a boy huge emotional damage - it isn't just the physical acts. I remember times when I was being abused, I would think to myself, well, at least I don't have to worry about when the next time will be - it's happening how. That is, my dread of when the next time would be was even worse than my fear of the abuse itself. It just goes to show what a terrible thing abuse is and how it can devastate us emotionally.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148696 - 04/03/07 08:42 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
And now the last bit:

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
Something else I try to ignore, but can't really avoid, is people at school whispering, looking in my direction, pointing even.. I never told them that why I was in the hospital was because of my father, but you can't stop the rumours.
Lots of them know I suddenly don't live whit my father anymore, they can put 1 and 1 together.
And them gossiping about it, though now it's a while ago not as much as in the beginning anymore.
Like some even saying things as 'he's 17, why does he let his father hit him' 'he's old enough to defend himself' 'I don't understand he never stood up to him' etc.
It annoys me and upsets me too, at times. I try to not let them influence me to much but sometimes I can't help it.


It may be that some people in school have you figured out - who knows. I can't possibly assure you that this can't be true. But people who wonder what's up have a lot of possibilities to choose from: your father drinks, there is just too much drama at home, and so on. In reality, people out there in the world are usually astonished to find that the problem is sexual abuse.

But Stefan, ask any guy here, and he will tell you that when he was 17 he thought the whole WORLD knew! I have often said this, but here it is again: I remember going to school and it felt like I was wearing an "abuse announcement" on my back spelled out in Christmas lights. I HATED gym class because I thought something about me would show what was happening, especially when more or all of my body was showing in front of others. It was so bad it felt like abuse all over again.

That feeling is something we get from shame and guilt, and from our fear that the world is a terrible unsafe place for us. After having been abused, it's possible to imagine ANY bad thing happening to you. But in reality you are safe now. It's okay to have questions, but if you do, just ask them. Either here or with safe adults you have where you live.

Realizing we have the right to ask our questions and feel safe is also an important part of our recovery. No one will expect you to know things automatically or to figure them out by yourself, and until you ask, it will be difficult for others to figure out how they can help you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#148697 - 04/03/07 08:43 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
The dreading of what was about to come was usually much worse then it actually happening.. esp when it came to him beating me up, getting hit i never minded much.
I hated the uncertainty of what was going to happen and when, a lot more then the physicall crap and eventually I learned to just blank out when they would r*pe me. Like i was there but not really.
like you said, at least i dont have to dread it coming, its happening/over now.

stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#148700 - 04/03/07 09:01 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
I hated the uncertainty of what was going to happen and when, a lot more then the physical crap and eventually I learned to just blank out when they would r*pe me. Like i was there but not really.


That happens a lot, and it's called "dissociation". What happens is that the boy is so freaked out and terrified that he pretends to leave his body and go somewhere else. That way he can "convince" himself that those things that are happening in the room aren't happening to him. It's like denial in a way, but very real emotionally. My version of it was to look for a picture or something on the wall. I would "go" to that picture and then "go" to a corner in the ceiling and wait there for the abuse in the room below me to end.

The important thing to remember here is that you didn't "let it happen". There was no way you could have been prepared to defend yourself, and the blanking out wasn't a surrender. It was the only tool you had to cope with what was happening.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#149421 - 04/07/07 12:40 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Originally Posted By: roadrunner

It may be that some people in school have you figured out - who knows. I can't possibly assure you that this can't be true. But people who wonder what's up have a lot of possibilities to choose from: your father drinks, there is just too much drama at home, and so on. In reality, people out there in the world are usually astonished to find that the problem is sexual abuse.


I don't think that people know about the s. abuse, but more like that they've figured out that he has been hitting me while I still lived whit him.
As I said I haven't told them this, but they know I've been away from school for awhile, enough know I've been in the hospital. Many know that after I came back to school I didn't live whit my father anymore.
It's not difficult to conclude that I must have been in the hospital because of my father. And those rumours travel fast.

At times I'm just fed up whit all the gossiping. Thankfully it's becoming less now and I'll just ignore anyone who might suddenly think different of me. Thats their problem.
Most important is that my friends, while shocked to find this out, are still there for me. They are still my friends.

I was afraid at times that they had it all figured out, the s.abuse, the physicall abuse. Esp at gym when they sometimes could see my bruises.
But I know rationally that they can't know about the s.abuse. I don't have a big fear of people finding that out anymore, most of the time anyway.

The wristband might be an idea, I'll think of buying one.

It's hard to ask questions sometimes, it's not something I'm used to do. I do understand that I need to say and ask things for people to understand / know these things. So, I guess, I'm starting to try to do that on here at least.

The spacing out while the abuse happened, helped me to survive them in a way. At least I wouldn't have to feel the physical and emotional pain for a while.
There's no way I could have defended myself against them, they were all to strong for me. So in order to protect myself I just did as I was told.
And I didn't know any better then that this was normal at first, only when I was 10/11 I started to understand that this maybe didn't happen in every house and that it wasn't normal.
I still just accepted it though. I was to afraid of them and of their threaths. I was confused and scared.

When I was older though I felt that I should be able to stand up to him, when he would hit me. Sometimes I could stop him, sometimes I could simply walk away. But sometimes he was still stronger and I hated the power he had over me. Felt like I should be stronger then that.

Now that I don't live whit him anymore I'm 'safe' but it doesn't always feels like that. In a way he still has some power over me.

It helps to be able to rant on here sometimes though. Rather then holding it all in I guess.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#149432 - 04/07/07 02:36 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
When I was older though I felt that I should be able to stand up to him, when he would hit me. Sometimes I could stop him, sometimes I could simply walk away. But sometimes he was still stronger and I hated the power he had over me. Felt like I should be stronger then that.

Now that I don't live whit him anymore I'm 'safe' but it doesn't always feels like that. In a way he still has some power over me.


In judging yourself here, what's happening is that you are looking at things rationally and logically, when in fact that's not how this stuff works. Let me give you an example. About 18 months ago I went back to the States and disclosed to my parents, who are in their 80s. It all went well, but a few days later we were sitting around the kitchen table and suddenly I just got overwhelmed. I felt so afraid, and when my Dad asked me what's wrong I said, "I'm afraid it will start all over again and I can't make him stop." I was 56 years old! The abuser died in 1994! What's the sense in what I said? None whatever. But my fear wasn't rational; it was emotional and a survival of the old fear I had as a boy. The fact that I was much older and able to defend myself (against someone who's dead, at least) didn't make the slightest difference.

It was the same in your case. Though you were older and yes, able to defend yourself, the message you were receiving was the message of your childhood - I am powerless and my situation is hopeless. The fact that this happened is NOT your fault; it is so common among abused guys.

When you fear that your father still has some power over you, that's more or less the same thing all over again Stefan. It's the survival of old messages that we haven't been able to escape from yet. If we feel this way, that doesn't mean we are weak or cowardly or whatever, it just means that we went through a terrible experience and emotionally we are still learning how to cope with that.

This isn't our fault. What we learn from this is just how horrific the emotional harm is that an abused boy suffers.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#150158 - 04/10/07 09:03 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I had a ...meeting.. tuesday, whit people from youthcare, police etc about the trial against my father about the physical abuse.
Ended up having a panicattack afterwards...
I'm soooo not looking forward to it... :-/
I'll probably freak out in the middle of the room there.. or something like that.
I'm already scared and nervous.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#150163 - 04/10/07 09:21 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
I'll probably freak out in the middle of the room there.. or something like that.
I'm already scared and nervous.


Yes, that is very possible indeed. It isn't easy to go through all this again. Make sure you tell people how you feel so they can be prepared to support you. You are not being weak or cowardly if you ask for what you need.

In fact, what you are doing is incredibly brave. It's natural that you should be nervous. But soon it will be over and you will have taken a very big step.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#150958 - 04/15/07 12:56 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
I'll be thinking of you tuesday.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#151078 - 04/16/07 04:50 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Alexander]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stefan,

I spoke with you in the chatroom early this morning. If I dont talk to you again before the trial, please know that I'll be thinking of you and praying for you on Tuesday (Netherlands time too).

I know this is hard for you brother. I know. You are SO brave! I am very impressed by you. Anyone with your courage has a bright future. I know it!

Rob

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#151079 - 04/16/07 06:01 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Sending you lots of prayers and good thoughts for tomorrow, my friend. This will be rough, no doubt about it, but you are doing the right thing. Will you have safe people with you in the courtroom? Your foster parents, for example?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151122 - 04/16/07 11:11 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
Stefan,

Know that you will be in my prayers, as well. You are doing the right thing.

_________________________
When I figure out who I am, I'll add a signature line.

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#151196 - 04/16/07 08:19 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: ChainBreaker]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thinking.of you......stefan...........steve


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#151316 - 04/17/07 03:25 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: sabata]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
well at least this part is over now

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#151318 - 04/17/07 03:27 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

I'm so glad it's over. Are you able to talk about it? If not, just take it easy. I'm sure this was an exhausting experience for you, and I'm so proud of you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#151319 - 04/17/07 03:28 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stefan,

I've been thinking of you. I hope it went well.
You must be tired now.

Rob

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

Top
#151321 - 04/17/07 03:40 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Still]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
yes it was horrible but at least its over now

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#151322 - 04/17/07 03:41 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Virtual hug pal ((((((((stefan))))))))


you are so brave!

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

Top
#151365 - 04/17/07 08:43 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Still]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
glad you made it.....stefan................now you can go foreward...............steve


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#151368 - 04/17/07 08:59 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: sabata]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
hey stefan

It must have been hard to stand there before your dad, but its nice to hear you are through that part. Hopefully everything will go a lot easier now.

John


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#151436 - 04/18/07 10:22 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: john22]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I hope so

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#152447 - 04/23/07 06:38 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I just had a really bad panicattack/flashback at school.. I hadn't been going to school last week so today was like, first day back again.
I don't even know what triggered it... I don't remember what the flashback was about either.
It was in the middle of the hall, we were walking to the next class... I hadn't been able to pay attention to class or to anyone really so far.
I just know that I had a flashback, followed by a panicattack... I was like 'away' for a bit I don't know how to explain it, but I don't remember a part that's for sure.
According to my friends I like sank to the floor and started to breath weird, and shivering really bad, eyes rolled away that must have been freaky to see.
I only know that when I was like, back, i was sitting on the floor against the wall, hugging myself, still shivering and breathing wrong a bit..
A teacher talking to me but not understanding a word of it.
Rest of the students were send away thankfully so I wasn't a total monkey in the zoo.
Teacher and a few friends bringing me to a teachersoffice, giving me some water to drink.
They still talking I'm still not really understanding it/listening to them.
So when I calmed down some my friends brought me 'home'.
Well, at least now I'm sure they think i'm a freak, the rest of the students, not my friends.
sigh... o well.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#152455 - 04/23/07 07:39 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
dan18 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 20
who cares about those other kids?
like you said, they're not your friends
so who cares what they think?

you know and your friends know that you are a strong, enduring person with plenty of good qualities and a big responsibility on your shoulders

that's what counts


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#152457 - 04/23/07 08:11 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: dan18]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stefan,

As you may have read in a past post of mine, I had a bad FB in front of a customer (a major university Dean). I tell you this so that you realize, I know the pain you going through with regard to the scene where it happened. I felt awful about it, but am getting better having realized that I went through something THEY will never understand. My customer, your schoolmates, the teachers..none of them will ever know what you or I went through. They no nothing of what they just saw either. If they judge what they don't understand..then to hell with them. (I know..not easy to say in school)

I assure you, it was worse in your own mind than for the few who saw. I know school kids can be really cruel at times like this...but do give this a chance. You may find that there are no negative results. You may even find some positive results. I'm so happy to hear you say that you have friends there who could take you home.

And you have a BUNCH of people here who think the world of you!

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

Top
#152463 - 04/23/07 08:28 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Still]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Quote:
And you have a BUNCH of people here who think the world of you!

That's the truth, Friend, and I have a hunch your closer friends will cut you some slack on this and that they care about you as well. If not they wouldn't have stuck with you and made sure you got home.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#152603 - 04/24/07 03:07 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

These things do happen sometime, and there's nothing you can do about that. Just try to avoid getting down on yourself about it. The flashbacks show you are still under a lot of stress, and who could blame you for that?

Remember also that our anxiety about what people know and think can make us blow the real situation all out of proportion. Your friends will hang with you, Stefan, and for the others this will probably be an incident that will be forgotten about in a few days.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#152626 - 04/24/07 04:24 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I doubt they'll forget.. but I guess I gotta try to not mind so much.. I can try..
It isn't even the first time I freaked out at school, just up until now I could mostly get away from everyone, like I could go to a toilet before it got huge.
So I don't know... I guess I'm afraid I will keep getting panicattacks in places like this. Cause like I said, it wasn't the first time.
I just hate this.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#152642 - 04/24/07 07:17 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i had a few panic attacks to the point where i hypervenlated....and passed out.....a couple at school when i was young and in school.........no one knew why.this happened.............i didnt know why.........they just carried me to the nurses station........i came out of it....went on my way.....had one at work...same way...long time ago....


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#153228 - 04/28/07 03:44 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: sabata]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Sorry to hear about the flashback Stefan..
If you want to talk, please do ok?
How are you doing now?
Gonna enjoy koninginnedag I bet?? (queensday)
Well, hope to talk to you soon. \:\)

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#153242 - 04/28/07 05:18 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Alexander]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey little Brother, School sucks.. I know, I know it doesn't help right now but the older you get the more they'll understand, hang in there bro. Flash backs are hard and it seems like no one gets it, but WE all get it. We know the embarrassment, and with us it's nothing to be embarrassed about, kids don't understand so they make up stories to make themselves feel better about what they don't get. Sucks now, but it will make sense to them later and then they'll feel bad about being so nasty. It's adult problems your dealing with so don't expect them to act like adults. I promise you, you'll get all the understanding you need when you get past them, again not fair right now, but hold on little brother. Were here, and we understand completely. You have been forced to deal with this before you were ready. No one wants to be an adult before they have to be and your handling it better than most would. I'll be praying for you little brother. Hang in there.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#153256 - 04/28/07 09:54 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: mogigo]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
just the wispering and all increased some again.
I've not been feeling great lately though.. feeling low i guess.
Skipped work today.. saturday... cause i didnt feel up to it and had barely slept either.
thanks for the replies.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#153324 - 04/29/07 05:34 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hope things get better..........stefan.......................steve


Top
#153540 - 04/30/07 04:41 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Originally Posted By: Stefan012
just the wispering and all increased some again.
I've not been feeling great lately though.. feeling low i guess.
Skipped work today.. saturday... cause i didnt feel up to it and had barely slept either.


Do you have cool fun things you can focus on in your spare time? That helped me a lot. I was doing too much brooding and worrying, and as my stress level went up that just set me up for more difficulty.

The problem is that as we get more and more centered on our abuse problems, they become the defining reality of our lives and everything else seems to be just "in between". If possible, it's important to break out of that.

My solution was to join a blues group just to pick and slide away and keep myself focused on something I really enjoy. Even practicing by myself helped a lot.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#153780 - 05/01/07 05:10 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Yeah...
Usually hanging out whit my friends helps to forget about stuff for a while.
Or something like playing soccer or a good walk.
It's just hard sometimes. Hard to do anything at all sometimes.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#153784 - 05/01/07 05:28 PM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

Yeah, I know what you mean. How about something you can do by yourself for awhile? A musical instrument, painting, writing poetry? Or how about cycling? There are some great routes in the Netherlands, but you already know that.

The idea is just to do something with yourself and not sit alone and thinking about things too much. I know it's hard to focus on anything right now, but it might help you a lot.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#161544 - 06/14/07 04:14 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
So we finally got back the ruling on my father's case (against the physicall violence).
He's getting 21 months in prison and then a year 'conditional', i hope that is the right word. Meaning that he will not be in jail, but if in that year he does anything again he will go right back to jail again.
I'm glad it's now really finally and completely over.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

Top
#161547 - 06/14/07 05:57 AM Re: Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Poss [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Stefan,

I'm glad you got some closure on this. A term of 21 months seems like nothing for phyical violence against his own son, but what you DO get is public and official recognition that this happened and that it was wrong. He's got all the blame for he did, and I hope you will let him keep it, bro. Stay strong.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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