hey..

I know this isnt a good place.
Found out again, few days ago, father went crazy. Started yelling wich isnt unusual, but also started throwing stuf at me etc.
Anyway, its only a few bruises and a hurt hand.
I can live with that, until i'm 18 and can get out of the house.
Without having to tell people anything.
I know you all have a point.
I've just chosen to stay here, as its only a year more.

Stefan

Stefan,

Simply wishing you the best and sharing your hurt. Letting a few tears fall for you. Please do what you can to stay safe till you can be on your own, and keep talking to us. We'll do what we can to help bolster your courage.

Lots of love,

John

Stefan,

Often there are "safe houses" where teens can go and get away from a crazy-making place that your living in. Or, there are programs where the city government will determine that a child is unsafe and pull the kid out and put him or her safe. Have you tried that possiblity? Please do what you can to see if there other options for you.

Thanks for being on here.

Barney

Considering what happened last time I was placed to a fosterfamily, I do not look forward to that.
I know I'm older now and everything.

But also I'm not willing to tell people about what happened/happens.
So I'm fully aware its my own fault/ responsibility that I stay here and the consequences of it are what I've chosen to accept..
If that sentence makes any sense.

Well, anyway, means I've chose to stay here and put up whit whatever he does or does not do.
I'm used to it, I dont care much about it anymore. I've made it this far, one more year cant hurt to much.

Thanks for replying everyone.

Stefan

Alright Stefan...
Just remember it's never to late to change your mind. And keep coming here, all the people on here are great and they'll give you all the support and advice you need.

Greets,

Alexander

I can't help but think that I should be able to fight him of or something when he hits me.
I feel like I let him do this to me and that at age 17 I should be able to stop him.
I almost feel ashamed about it.
I have the idea he's becoming worse lately too, I hope it's just that he hasn't completely shaken his holiday mood of yet. Like yesterday he's been like that all day.
I had a good talk about it in chat yesterday but I can't help it.

Stefan

Stefan, its not your fault that you cannot fight him off, at 17yo, I too would have been totally terrified in this position.

Do not think you are weak, I hope it is the holiday blues, and you can make it through to when you can get out.

The only way out of this situation if for him to get help, or you moving in with relatives or maybe a friend.

Maybe this is not possible, but take care,

ste

Stefan, If times are "dark" and you are feeling lonely take heart in remebering that you belong to the brotherhood of survivors and we will be your bright guiding light.

hope to speak to you soon.

Duncan

I don't know my fathers family. As far as I know I've never seen them.
My mother's family is pretty small, they also all live in the usa since some years.

I still miss my mother a lot, sometimes more then at other times.. A good friend lost his father about a year before my mother died. We talk about them at times wich is very good.
Other people don't understand. Wich is okey, its only normal. But also they are understanding and allow you to be sad the first few months but then their patience runs out. And they want you to be happy all the time, just like them.
And I'm good at pretending that I am indeed happy.

But lately it has become more difficult.
The memories of the csa, missing my mother, my father being difficult at times, nightmares, tired because of not enough sleep... It all seems something I can't push away anymore, not like I could before anyway.

I wish my father would have been killed in that carcrash instead of my mother.
At times I wish he'd drink himself to death or something, rather yesterday then today.
Sometimes I blame myself for what happened/happens.

I can freak out so easily. When someone touches my shoulder. Or attention from girls even.
People start to notice these things.
Ask me questions that I can't answer.

Sometimes I watch people and it's as if I'm watching a movie.
When the csa happened I could sorta go away with my mind, think of other things or of nothing so I wouldnt have to feel, see, hear.
I wonder what my life would have been if I'd be one of them. Normal, whatever that is.
Having a normal functioning loving family.


It's like these things catch up to me while I'm running away from them.

Stefan

You cover your eyes, if you can’t stand aside
Walk away
You cover your ears, so you don’t have to hear
Walk away
You cover your nightmares, you put them away
Cause if nobody knows them they might go away
Walk away, walk away,..

Walk Away - Racoon

Stefan, I reckon you have the same name as me.
You know, I have difficulty crying, but not when I was your age.

I know its so hard to wear a mask of looking happy when you are so hurt, its not easy.
It hurts to read what you write, and it should never be this way.

It hurts me to think of what you are going through now, and I only know how I coped, which is not much good in your position today.

All you do need to know is, its not yr fault, OK,

ste