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#54791 - 03/17/03 06:35 AM Dog on Lead
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
hay guys. I feeling traped at the mo. Its all building up agian, The pain, emotiontions, fear. I cant cope! But i have to, i have to go on. But I'm not getting any where. I feel that Im on a roundabout, going round and round, and now I'm dizzy and starting to feel sick, but its still goes round and round, faster, and faster. Last night i couldnt sleep, the gf was worried. she keeped asking if everything was ok? But i could not tell her. I would not tell her! This is my seclition, and i dont think i can handle it coming out. Out here in Cyber world. I can do anything, I can be the true me. But in the end, snap back to realitiy I'm not. All weekend people have asked if i was ok, if i was happy, and asking what was wrong, My walls have fallen, and have to be rebuilt quickly. I cant let my gaurd down. Got to be ready. got to face the day, sword in hand, Fighting away the horrors of the past, that come back at night, come to reclaim what they lost, what i lost. come back to get me, remind me of what once was. To hurt me for a lift time over, all in a single moment, destroy what it is i'm trying to achive. Feeling like a dog on a lead. I can go so far, but when it reaches the end, when i have gone to far, BANG, it pulls me back in. Its Like he still has controll over me, still able to manipulate me, abuse me, throught my own head. Where to turn to, where to go, how long is this going to last, FOREVER i think is the answer, Till the day i no long walk this lonely space rock.

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#54792 - 03/17/03 09:14 AM Re: Dog on Lead
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
el i know where your coming from been there myself a time or 2. like a cat on a hot tin roof. you need to find an outlet for the mental energy. how about write? or type here? talk about the pain and why you cant sleep. pm me wth it if it makes you feel better.just keep talking i think it will help

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#54793 - 03/17/03 09:53 AM Re: Dog on Lead
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Little-E
I know where you are coming from. I hid it from everyone from 21-56 years of age. Drove me crazy a couple of times. I had been in AA for 26 years and never truly came clean on the background of my boozing. At 56 I finally decided that I could not deal with this alone and sought counselling. It took two years after that to bring myself to tell my wife of 35 years and my 22 year old daughter. They got really mad at me for not telling them sooner and are now my biggest supporters. If I had to do it again I would have gone straight to therapy when I was 22. Now my wife and daughter can understand most of my behavior.

What I am tryin to say here is the secret is driving you nuts.

I have found that by telling someone else close to me, family and true friends as well as my doctor it is not as overwhelming as I thought it would be and it has allowd me concentrate on the healing.

Little-E do not be ashamed by what has happened to you. It was not your fault.

Confide in someone. You would be truly amazed at what a burden is lifted from your shoulders. No more constant living in fear of being found out. We all have experienced what you are feeling. You are not alone brother.

THE ONLY THING WE FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF.

It is always those that are close to you that can help you through the bad times. Believe me no one that is true to you will think any less of you and will likely support you 100%. It may come as a shock to them but remember there are 1 in 5 males out there just like all of us here.

I hoped that this helped a little. At my advanced age amd looking back over those years of hiding I can now see the true folly of what I did to myself and how I protected those who did what they did to me.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54794 - 03/17/03 07:36 PM Re: Dog on Lead
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Little E

Quote:
Last night i couldnt sleep, the gf was worried. she keeped asking if everything was ok?
Your girlfriend knows SOMETHING is wrong, but she doesn't know what. Probably she thinks it her, something she's done. The chances are she's desperatly trying to read your mind.

My wife did for many years.
She thought the worst most of the time but like me was frightened to confront the suspicions she had.
She thought I was having an affair, thought I didn't love her anymore, thought I hated her being a bit overweight. It was none of them at all.

The truth, when she heard all I had to say, was a relief to her and has made us very close again.
It was a horrible truth to hear that I had acted out with other guys, and I believed it was so bad I would lose her.

But what I got was love and support, and every time I disclose to someone I get a positive reaction.
And I lose some of the baggage and gain a huge amount of strength.

When to tell is one of lifes mysteries though, but you'll know the moment when it comes.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#54795 - 03/18/03 11:26 PM Re: Dog on Lead
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Little E, All I can add if you have not already done so....go to therapy. I thought I could deal with this on my own for 30 years, well I couldn't have been more wrong. I found a wonderful therapist and I am now beginning to take back what was so viciously stolen from me. Someone here once said about being able to handle this on your own; "well, how’s that been working for you thus far"? There are lots of understanding people here for you....and you are definitely not alone in this. Good luck to you, taipan


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#54796 - 03/19/03 01:09 PM Re: Dog on Lead
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Taipan is so right, I tried the DIY approach for 31 years and all I did was go around in circles.
I tried the same remedies for the same problems, and I just couldn't figure out why I kept getting the same results. I needed help.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#54797 - 03/19/03 03:32 PM Re: Dog on Lead
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Little-E,
please get some help + talk to a therapist. You need to get the past out. Do not build up those walls. You need to get past the walls + build your life back up healthy. My hubby [MrEdd] just went through that crap of trying his hardest to stuff those feelings back in. It will be easier to let them out. BUT IT IS YOUR CHOICE!!!!!!
For at least 2 whole weeks MrEdd was in a stupor. That was him just thinking maybe the flashbacks will just stop. WRONG.
Please at least let your girlfriend know what that you have been having flashbacks. JUST TELL HER!!!!! SHE IS DEAD WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!
Just take life one day at a time. We care about you + what happens to you. This is a safe place to talk about absolutely anything!!!!! Let your girlfriend know about this site, If you do not know how to introduce her to what happened. That is how MrEdd showed me.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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