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#5482 - 09/16/02 06:09 PM Re: motivation=zero
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Thanks Ryan, I get as much back from this site as I could ever wish for, and I work at it because I recognise the changes I have made In myself.
And I will never forget the help I recieved from proffesionals, family and friends and other survivors. Knowing we're not alone means so much .

My parents weren't particularly bad at all, just very cold and distant. I don't doubt their love really, and I'm as sure as I will ever be that if they had found out about my abuse at the time they would have taken me out of the school. My mother was particularly fearsome and would have gone ape shit I'm sure.
But it was a house without affection and any displays of love, none of our huge family live close so I never saw my cousins etc, we had no immediate neighbours. So I had no lessons at all in normal family life. I was well cared for, clean fed and clothed, and could read well by the time I started school at 5. But I cannot remember affection, perhaps I'm being too hard on them or perhaps the distortions of time and my past have taken the memories away ?
( and no, I aint pissed off at all Ryan )

Roy
day to day motivation ? it's 10pm and the dinner plates are still on the kitchen table and I'm sat here talking to you guys and drinking wine.
That's the kind of stuff that I neglect to make time for what I find important, I'll load the dishwasher about 1am as I rush to bed.

What I lack is the ability to say "one hour for this and one hour for that" and I have too much stuff to fit into the hours. I know I do it but I can't control it. So it pisses me off and down I go until I do sweet FA.

Sometimes I feel I need a personal assistant, I asked my wife but she's apparently already doing it for someone........ \:D

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5483 - 09/16/02 09:19 PM Re: motivation=zero
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Lloydy, once again you have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly my problem, budgeting an hour for this and an hour for that. I have even tried setting the timer on my microwave to go off every hour to prod me! Maybe I need to have electrodes embedded in my skull or something. I need a personal assistant, too. I bet your wife has her hands full with you. ;\)

Many moons ago I was a clean freak. My house was hospital clean, the yard was perfect, the cars were perfect, but I was exhausted, sick half the time, and too "busy" to have much time for in-depth relationships. So I have gone to the other extreme during the last several years, aided by depression and addiction, but at least now I make time for people. You can always vacuum but you don't always get to spend time with friends. I just want to be more self-disciplined when it comes to time management, so I can move my life forward a little faster. I think I waste a lot of time thinking about things instead of doing something about it, whatever "it" is.

And what the heck is "sweet FA"? Is that some weird British colloquialism for fall asleep? :p


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#5484 - 09/17/02 01:41 PM Re: motivation=zero
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Roy
I'm doing what we're talking about right now, I should be doing stuff but I'm sat here, ok I'm not wasting time as such but the sun's shining so I should be mowing the lawn and doing this later.

And it's better than doing sweet fuck all ! ;\)

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5485 - 09/17/02 04:11 PM Re: motivation=zero
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Lloydy, you are just the best guy! Thanks for being you.

Roy


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#5486 - 09/17/02 04:49 PM Re: motivation=zero
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
funny chat with my shrink today. Told him I used to spend all my days and nights drunk and compulsively surfing the net for porn. Now I'm sober and spend a lot of my time compulsively surfing the web to be on this site. One small step for mankind, one giant step for my sorry butt.
Thanks for being here. You may not be as cute as Pamela Anderson but you're a whole lot better for me...I guess. \:D
lol
-al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#5487 - 09/17/02 04:56 PM Re: motivation=zero
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Hey, what's the choice ?
just because I'm going bald, grey, and I have a beard , bi-focals and a beer gut. What's Pammie got to offer ?? \:D
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5488 - 09/17/02 05:20 PM Re: motivation=zero
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
I think no matter what professional fields we're in, many of us have developed an artistic temperament. We're inclined to much inward-oriented thinking, fantasizing, and meandering because we're unconsciously, subconsciously, and now that we're in our forties, consciously preoccupied with figuring out what the hell happened to us and what it MEANS. It's a world we're comfortable in because we were relegated to what I have described as a transparent box just big enough for us to fit in and move our arms and legs about. Beyond this invisible box, just within reach, is where everyone else lives. I believe, however, that the lock to the door of the transparent box is both within it, and by extension within us, and outside of it and us. Finding the key to the lock is the problem. There is no one key. Struggling to be free of the constraints of the box through many inter and intrapersonal methods I feel the walls of the box themselves vaguely disintegrating. I hope to be free one day. Being a part of this community helps me to rub through the smoky/watery patina, cataracts that characterize the wall around me. It is a somewhat porous containment. Efforts are made on each side one to reach the other.

We're artists creating and recreating ourselves. It takes a lot of work. A lot of light.

(Tomorrow, tune in for "Pentimento," and techniques for painting over what was originally painted).

(I really admire so much of how honestly you guys are able to portray what ACTUALLY happened to you, and I think I'm getting better at it. However, I think there's a real need to be healed symbolically, since we really cannot grasp the entirety of what happened to us congnitively, physically, emotionally, etc. Hence, I tend toward [at least for the time-being] the abstract because it builds a bridge for me to understand what I cannot understand).

Thanks for helping me out of my box.

JM


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#5489 - 09/17/02 07:14 PM Re: motivation=zero
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
JM, can I have your box when you're done with it? Mine's musty as a pair of old socks. ;\)

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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