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#54712 - 06/03/05 07:30 AM Self pity, rage & pain *TRIGGERS*
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
I am so messed up right now - slamming back & forth between intense pain & explosive rage so fast that I'm shaking.

I just tore into Soccer Kid (Zach) on the topic about Kevin & Charlie's letter to the 8th graders, because I think he's wallowing in self-pity, trying to suck attention away from Kev & Charlie & the good thing they've done.

GOD DAMN, GOD DAM, GOD DAM YOU ALL TO HELL ! You fucking ASSHOLES !!! You are my Mom & Dad - you're supposed to be taking care of ME, not twisting things around so I feel like I have to take care of you because you are just rolling around in your own shit wanting somebody, anybody, to feel *sorry* for you, instead of asking for help & trying to do something about the fucking mess YOU got YOURSELF into !!!! How fucking DARE you dump that shit on an 11 year old boy who has just been fucked & fucked over by a 32 year old man !!!

ASSHOLES !!! I HATE YOU !!! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE FROM WHATEVER IT IS YOUR ARE PISSING & MOANING ABOUT INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO, TAKE CARE OF A LOST, HURT LITTLE BOY !!!!!


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#54713 - 06/03/05 07:41 AM Re: Self pity, rage & pain *TRIGGERS*
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
Shit !

All that stuff just *exploded* out of me.

God, I don't want to hurt Zach, or upset Kev & Charlie - I just ... I don't know, I just can't stand it when somebody says stuff like Zach did. I've got enough recovery to know this is only a little bit about Zach & a LOT about me, but I right now, I'm stuck in the rage & pain.

Zach :

I'm sorry I tore into you so hard. I still think you are stuck in self-pity, but you don't deserve the blast I aimed at you. I know I'm in the middle of an "iceberg" experience : the little tiny tip of the iceberg above the water is what's happening here & now - Zach's post - but that's connected to the HUGE chunk below the water line, which is all the old, painful stuff from my childhood, about my parents and their endless self-pity which left me to hurt about my SA all alone.


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#54714 - 06/03/05 03:13 PM Re: Self pity, rage & pain *TRIGGERS*
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Sometimes it is hard to remember that we all have our different issues and that this place is full of emotionally dynamic people.

What triggers me may not trigger you and vice versa, however one thing is for certain, each of us has a view of the world that has been skewed by someone that hurt us. We are all allowed to feel the way we feel, our feelings are real to each of us.

This medium of communication is not the best either, this comes up again and again, we miss out on body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. I think if we were all in the same room together, we would see what say more in an emotional context we could understand (Weekends of Recovery do this very well).

Donít be too hard on yourself, perhaps Zach will read this and understand that what he said really hit home for you and that your reaction wasnít so much at him as it was your childhood.


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