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#54308 - 03/16/03 07:19 AM Would you sue your perp.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Would you sue your perp.

As I have done all my lobbying at the capital I come to realize how little it will affect most of my brothers here at Male Survivors. Yes if I could snap the figure and change the laws all over the world it still wouldnít help most victims here. Most victims would be powerless to sue their perps. How do you sue your sister, mother, father, and brother, uncle, cousin, babysitter, and the older kid next door? Sure it could help Dave sue the headmaster at the school or Bob to sue the scoutmaster but as you can see most perps would never be sued in civil court.
So now I wonder why I am doing all this work for how few it will help. I keep telling myself that it is for all victims of CSA but in reality it will help so few. Itís such a sad state of affairs that most perps will never face criminal or civil justice. The one good thing that has come out of my work at the capital is I am educating the REPS on what CSA is all about. They can never say that they donít understand.
Are we fighting a losing battle that can never be won?
On the + + + + + side I know that all the work we do here at male survivor will help todayís children deal with the evil of CSA. I see so many young victims (18-23) coming here to begin their healing it gives me hope. Now if we can only teach the children to never hide in the silence, that would be a major step forward. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#54309 - 03/16/03 09:18 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Thank you for all the work you are doing! YES, if my perp had anything I would sue the SOB (now that my secret is out). I'm not sure that would help me heal any, but some sort of justice would be nice, and some financial benefit would sure help my family.


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#54310 - 03/16/03 12:59 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thank you for the hard work you are doing with legislators.

To be honest, I don't know if I would sue my perp(s) or not and here is why. Actually a few years back an attorney wanted to do this but I wasn't ready to even think about it.

I'm not sure what good it would do for me in my situation. Maybe it would help in some way for my healing that I can not see at this time. However I've been involved with some trials for corporations and they are not fun. They are draining and take a lot of energy out of you. So from that perspective, I just don't know if I could say it is worth all that which would be drained from me. Again, I may just not be at a point where I can see the benefits.

I am trying to move forward from everything and I am not sure taking the matter to court now would do much of anything for anyone. One perp is very old and physically in bad shape and another (I have no clue about).

It would have been nice to file criminal complaints against them, but in the state I grew up in, by the time I was ready to do this, the statue of limitations had run out. This part makes me the most angry. I think we need to have a "federal" statue of limitations that applies to each and every state and it needs to be more than 5 years after the incident. This country has to get tough on this and I mean tough! Someone abuses a child, well they don't deserve to live in society for no amount of money. I would rather house than in a 2x2 cell for the rest of their waking life.

What I have done instead is I wrote to the Attorney General of the state where my perps live and where everything happened. I told them about the incidients involving me and told them that i was concerned they could be doing it to other children. I also told them that if someone came forward and needed me to testify to help substantiate an act of abuse by one of these perps, I would do it in a seconds notice. They did write to me and took my letter seriously as I think they did some investigation. However since these matters are confidential, I am not allowed to know what happened and that angers me greatly.

So besides the changing of the statue of limitations for all states, I think if you bring an allegation or circumstancial allegation of child abuse forward, you should as the party alleging, be able to find out what is being done.

I really hate it when states and perps hide behind the law.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#54311 - 03/16/03 03:35 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Muldoon my brother:

If one child can be saved from a perp who was set loose by another, your work is worthwhile. Just one.

Our Lord, Jesus Christ commanded his disciples: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14. These, and many other teachings lead us to understand just how important these young ones are in God's sight.

They are the future of His kingdom, the future of His church on earth, the future of Mankind, and the future of Our Redeemer. That is why we devote such resources to their welfare.

That is why we sacrifice our selves. For that which we do for the least of our brothers and sisters, we have done for HIM.

If I can stop one child from being abused by my perp... If I can connect with just one of my perps' survivors, and prevent him from going over the edge...if i can make the world a safer place for my children and the many others who wander the streets of my hometown, where my perps live...His will has been done.

Sorry to sound so preachy. But that is how I believe it to be today. As Madonna's (the pop queen) lyrics from her latest hit say:

I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now

Uh, uh

I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go

For every sin, I'll have to pay
I've come to work, I've come to play
I think I'll find another way
It's not my time to go

I'm gonna avoid the cliche
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now

I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day
I guess, die another day
I guess I'll die another day

Peace

Orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#54312 - 03/16/03 04:20 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Mark Crawford Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/02
Posts: 73
Loc: New Jersey
Muldoon...don't begin to doubt the good you are doing NOW! Orodo is correct...if you can help just one person who was victimized then your work has not been in vain. I can understand that in many cases a victim may have no interest in sueing his/her perp but for anyone who may need to take this step to bring themselves closure, they are entitled to have this opportunity.

In our society it is not acceptable to take justice into our own hands...we don't encourage abusing others for the wrongs they have done us. Instead our society allows us to bring matters to a court and should a jury or judge find that an individual has been wronged then some form of civil restitution may be awarded.

I KNOW THAT EVERY VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE...will never be made whole again by ANY some of money. But this may be the only recourse to satisfaction or closure a victim may have. It may be the only forum in which they can address those who have inflicted so much harm.

WITHOUT A DOUBT....your actions are courageous and one day will bare fruit. I COMMEND YOU AND ENCOURAGE YOU TO CONTINUE!!! Each and every victim will at least have that choice (to sue or not to). They certainly never had a choice when they were being abused! They may become empowered once again to adress these aggregious wrongs.

MARCH ON......Mark


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#54313 - 03/16/03 07:11 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Muldoon
Yes, I would sue everyone of them in an instant, but some are dead and from where I sit now the others are out of reach- legally speaking.

But we must always cling to the hope that just one child is saved or at least sees justice done, Orodo is right.

For that to happen we need people to bang on tables, write endless letters, make repeated 'phone calls.
People who have the ability and drive to persuade our elected representitives that what we have now is not good enough.

People like you Muldoon, thank you for all your efforts.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#54314 - 03/17/03 04:22 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Muldoon,

Several others have already said this, but the work you are doing is for children of the future, not neccessarily for us.

If you are successful, hopefully many children of the next generation will never have to go through what we have. You are doing good work, and I envy your bravery and strength to be able to talk about your abuse to a room full of strangers.

Would I sue my perps? Probably not. I know that one had a stroke some years ago, and is in really bad shape (Something that I find very satisfying.) I have no idea about the other. But honestly, it wouldn't change anything, so I see no point. If you offered me immunity from prosecution, a machete, and an hour alone with them, I'd be far more sorely tempted to take you up on it. But ultimately, it would be no more helpful than suing them.

You are doing good work Muldoon and I, for one, am cheering you on.

Eric


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#54315 - 03/17/03 05:25 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Muldoon,

Image a big, still, calm lake in the early morning,
after lifetimes of stifling hot summer days and
nights. The air is cool, a blanket of fog covers
the lake, only the tree tops on the shore line can
be seen.

You are casting stones, one at time. As
legislators, their aids and others hear your story,
plop goes a stone on the lake, a separate stone for
each human being touched by your voice.

The fog is thick, but getting thinner. Those
stones have landed, perhaps only in one cove, but
the ripples travel far. You may never see or know
how many are touched, forever changed by the
ripples you set in motion. Others may be laughing
and calling you the fool, but such has happened to
all who try to change the waters.

Most of us can only stand in the safety of the
trees and watch as you march bravely down to the
shore with stones in your backpack. All I can do
is hand you more stones and say "Don't give up!".


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#54316 - 03/17/03 08:24 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I like that last post Tom.

If we can sue our perps it becomes a public act. They are exposed. People will be more careful around the perps and keep their kids away. He will live afraid that his latest victims might come forth. Hopefully he will stop any further abuse.

We get the strength to speak out everytime one of us breaks the silence and exposes a child harmer.

I plan to put together some material and do the same thing you have done Tom, both at the city and county level as well as at the State level.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#54317 - 03/17/03 09:38 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
this is sooooooo fantanstic. ROCK ON DEAN I think I may have told you earlier that I started similar activity here in Maine. Imagine a world where NO PERP IS SAFE to PERP AGAIN?????????? hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahah Then pray for it, then make it happen. His will be done...

Peace

orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#54318 - 03/19/03 12:49 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys you have helped me understand so much, I know that it is the kids that this is all about. We must help protect the children of today from the evil of CSA. Yes that is the one good thing that we can do for the furtrue. I am ready to do battle with all that stand in our way.
Yes, the ripples travel far from our words. Let's all cast those stones in the pond of life so all will know about the evil of CSA. Love you guys Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#54319 - 03/19/03 09:59 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
You got a wolf pack behind you, and you are "Akela" the leader...

Peace

Orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#54320 - 03/20/03 03:19 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
I gave this alot of thought a few years ago. I did want to sue, especially after I realised how much was robbed from me, how much potential was flushed down the toilet. I was in my anger stage, so I was running on pure adrenaline (sp?).

I mean, if a 60 y/o lady can sue for spilling hot coffee on her lap and get nearly 2 million dollars???? What am I do? She will heal, and probably did by the time the trial started, but me... I'll be dealing with it in varying degrees till I'm in the ground.

I know where my uncle lives, although he's pennyless now. He did own a house at the time, which I'm sure he had homeowners insurance on. My father had homeowners on our house too. For those that don't know, insurance is a funny thing. If your damaged off your premisis and there is no other insurance to make you whole again, your homeowners policy will cover you. I say "your" will cover you, meaning anyone who lives in the insured property is covered off the property aswell, where no other insurance is in force.

Ok, sure it happened twenty something years ago. I'm sure no insurance company is gonna be willing to just fork over $ on my say so. It will probably take a court case to retroactivly go after the insurance policy, but then again, maybe not. I didn't look all that far into it to know for sure. But I belive there is probably a good chance.

At the time of my major dealing, I went down to the county prosecutors office and met with a detective there to tell my story. It was too late to procecute him by then, but they knew the potential in him and would keep an eye on him. I also told the whole family, so now he's in exile. He knows everyone knows that he is a sick perverted pedophile. But he has not been made a public spectical & the public is not aware of him.

I think that if pedophiles had to worry about loosing there $$$ and public humilliation in a civil trial, it would be a big deterant.

Would $$$ make me whole again? No, not 100% whole, but I know that I did have a monetery loss due to the abuse, by not being able to grow to my potential. Had I not been so damaged, I could've graduated HS and maybe went on to college. I most likely would be living more of a comfortable lifestyle If I did. Yeah, I'll take some $$$ for what I've been through...

The one bad thing about sueing and what held me back, was that I would have to go 100% public myself. Most times I think that I could deal with that, but there are sometimes where I wouldn't want all my neighbors & coworkers to know what I've been through & certainly not any details. I just don't like that possibility.

~George~


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#54321 - 03/20/03 04:43 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Muldoon my friend do not underestimate the impact of what you are doing, just becuz we know you're doing it! You are an inspiration & motivation to courage & advocacy. Thank you bro.

Orodo, a world where no perp is safe to perp ever again. Awesome thot & prayer.

One day a boy walking on the beach during low tide came upon a man who was walking along throwing starfish stranded out of the water back into the ocean. There were stranded starfish all up & down this huge beach.

"Why are you doing that? the boy asked. "There are so many. It's hopeless. What does it matter?"

As he picked up another starfish & tossed it back into the safety of the water he replied, "It matters to this one!"

I can't stop every perp & save every victim. But just one makes life worthwhile & makes me more of a survivor & thriver. That goes for all of us.

The wolf pack is on the prowl. OWWHHOOOOO!!!!

Now the question...

Would I sue my perp?

The only one who's whereabouts I know is my mother, perp #1. Suing a 62 year old woman who has scarcely worked a fulltime job in her life & lives in a room in someone else's house & doesn't even have a vehicle & is on minimal social security.

Sure wouldn't be for the money. Don't know if it would be worth it in any way.

Guess I can't answer that one right now.

My recovery & my advocacy for other survivors is my best revenge in taking a bite out of my perps & all perps!

If suing will do that, I'll try to hunt down every one that's still alive wherever they are & do it!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#54322 - 03/20/03 10:17 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Would I sue my perp? I would rather sue for ten mins alone with him and a baseball bat but since that would never happen I would like to take his money. Lord knows that we all need money and it would be nice to make a perp pay at least the medical and T bills. Thank you for all you hard work on trying to get the laws changed my brother good luck and keep up the battle.


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#54323 - 03/20/03 10:22 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Nathan, hope all goes well for you.

You are young enough to not only sure but criminally prosecute.

I just came from a male survivor group that I have met with twice now. A young man told of his telling a DA, the hearing etc. It is because of the way he and others were treated that I think so few want that hassle. He was made to think that he was the one at fault. Who needs that.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#54324 - 03/31/03 02:03 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
What I am posting is from a private post I did to Muldoon. Sueing your perp is a tough battle. My attorney tells me we are just in the early stages of the battle. Is it worth it? Will it be worth it when it is all over? I don't know. I hope so. The one thing I will say is that the more we speak up the easier it will be for others to come forward. There was an article in this morning's paper regarding Gag orders and changing the laws. I had always wanted a gag order placed on my case when it is all over. One of the things that this article said has made me rethink that decision. It stated that the Catholic church used gag orders to protect them and cover up all the allegations. Had the cases been more open when they frist started appearing perhaps more priests would have been stopped earlier and the problem would have not gotten so big.

Prevention of S A is the Key. Perps need to be held accountable for the lives they have destroyed. Even a relative needs to be held accountable. They should be at least MADE to pay for the counseling expenses of the victim.

From the private I did to Muldoon:
Quote:


Muldoon,

When you did your post on Would you sue your perp I was going to respond but there was/is so much going on that I didn't. The Legal battle is going very S L O W. My attorney's para-legal tells me I need to be more patient. However, My attorney did send the Church's attorney a "nasty-gram" last thursday. We have provided the church with ever document they have requested and the church has not given/granted us ONE thing we have requested in return. Also, I don't know if you saw the post I did called frustrated with my T's. All that, plus, when I went to the police to try to confront Ted (post called "because I didn't say no) put me into a deep depression. I wanted to reply to your post that I would sue my perp(s) and I still will but I would advise anyone that is considering doing it to make sure you have a good support system in place. One day you will be up and the next day you will be so frustrated that you want to give it all up. DON"T

My feelings are that if I can prevent the Male Survivor membership from growing by just one member I will have accomplished something. Don't get me wrong. I want to see the membership grow and know that those needing help are getting it. I would like every survivor who needs us to be getting the help they need. I just want to prevent another child from becoming a victim.

There was an article in the paper about two weeks ago telling how a bill in the legislature had not been passed. It would have made more perps have to register and also made the sheriff's department have to send letters out to all neighbors when a convicted perp was living in the neighborhood. It would have made it more difficult for perps. The defense was that the perps had paid their price by serving time. What is so disturbing is that a few years ago I got one of these letters. There was a perp living right across the street from the parking lot of the Catholic school. He could look out his window and see the children coming and going.

Ted, my first Perp lives within Two blocks a grade school. There is a crosswalk right in front of his house. Ted likes 14 to 20 year olds ... but The Jr high and High school are right across the road from the Grade school.

Back to the bill that was defeated. I know the representative that introduced the bill. He goes to the same church that I was raped in. I am thinking about contacting him. Could you send me any information that you have that you gave out to your legislature. The more states that have laws the better. What is really needed is something like the Amber Allert but instead a Perp alert. A NATIONAL law that REQUIRES all perps to have to regiseter WHENEVER they move. They have made our lives hell. They need to start being held responsible for their actions.
Thanks,

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#54325 - 04/01/03 10:40 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
John,

Thanks bro. You are healing yourself and showing the way for the rest of us who may decide to sue our perps. My thots & prayers are with you friend.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#54326 - 04/01/03 10:47 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I would not sue for myself, but if I thought another child might be victimized then I would do everything I could to stop that. However, one of my perps is dead, another is in prison (unrelated charges) and the rest are nameless people I might not even recognize if I saw them on the street. I don't feel that I need to harm them or "bring them to justice." The best thing I can do is erase them from my life and not worry about them again, because what they want me to do is live with that stain forever. If I was to sue them and bring it public it would perhaps be a form of justice, but then I would be concerning myself with them, and they are not worth it.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#54327 - 04/01/03 03:21 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Speaking for myself I think I would rather see them go to prison and be released into the general prison poplutation with the only caveat being that the other prisoners keep them alive for their pleasure. I guess, true to my former role as a hustler seeking violence, that would be the best form of punishment. At least that would be my desire if I were say 25

I am however 62 and quite content to think that they all led horrible lives and died horribly. I just want to live the last quarter at peace.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54328 - 04/01/03 06:13 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Quote:
Originally posted by mikechurch:
[QB] Speaking for myself I think I would rather see them go to prison and be released into the general prison poplutation with the only caveat being that the other prisoners keep them alive for their pleasure
I would never ever advocate this. \:\( I have been there and I don't wish it upon anyone, even those who abused me.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#54329 - 04/01/03 10:03 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sick Puppy: I apologize if it offended you. It is just my opinion about the three assholes who used and abused me for nine months. As far as I am concerned I now hate their guts and If I could I would exact retribution. Because of them I was a street hustler for 3 1/2 years and nearly died as a heroin addict. And became an alcoholic. All because three perverts used me for their own personal sick pleasure.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54330 - 04/01/03 10:44 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
No, it's fine. Everybody has their own way of dealing and some people want revenge, some people don't. No big deal. \:\)

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#54331 - 02/18/04 10:31 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Any input on this for this years battle would be helpful. Thanks Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#54332 - 02/18/04 12:36 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Tom,

I think it is a way of holding people accountable. In as much as we so often blame ourselves for what happened I think it is important to find a way of holding perps responsible for what they did.

If it is possible, go ahead and sue. Find every other victim you can and sue together. Not everybody is going to want to feel that exposed or is not ready to be so public or may not ever want to go that route but if it is something that you want to do and feel you need to do, by all means go ahead with it. Each of us has to doing something like this, don't we, either outwardly as with suing and that kind of thing or inwardly.

The double benefit is that it sends a message to other perps that they will be held accountable and to the community that we will not silently stand by anymore and to the victim-blamers that they are wrong. And to other survivors it sends the message that they are not alone.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#54333 - 02/18/04 01:15 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
mattandrew Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/01
Posts: 376
Loc: Florida
Tom,

Please don't get discouraged you are making things happen not only for yourself but for those who can't or won't help themselves due to the fear and reprisal they may get should they step forward and sue.

You see every day those who want to sue or have gone out and sued another person and for what to take every thing the other person has you may get instant gratification that you have ultimately won the battle but in real thought it is the every day battle that we as survivors have to endure,we have to stand in front of a mirror and ask ourselves really where our lives are headed and what decisions have we made that either has helped us to make what we have endured better (by no means erasing the abuse) but what we have done to better ourselves just for the sake of being able to wake up every day and say I have made everything happen for me alone by myself with either little help or no help at all.Remind yourself every day even though those who may not be able to sue such as in a familiar case (father,mother,uncle,aunt,cousin) have others such as one who can take back the ultimate power from one who may take and flaunt their ways in life to the survivor that is the person who needs to be brought to their knees and taught that it is the survivor who in the end will ultimately " PREVAIL" so be vigilant in your efforts at your capitol but be reminded you are working for those who have been silenced for so long and are relearning how to speak for themselves like a little baby when they first learn to talk and for those who can't speak out for fear of reprisal and mockery.

Tom you have brass more then any monkey I know who has taken on those who are unknowledgeable of the abuse we all have sustained,keep up your efforts and remember we all may not be right beside you in physical means we all are with you in spirit as you press on to win the ultimate torch for us all great job my friend keep working hard and winning the fight things will change,it is the person who greases the wheel who helps the other to come out and grab the wd-40 back from you later on and keep greasing the wheel to keep the fight going sooner or later things will change it is just a very slow process especially with those who want to hold up the fight to get their palm greased with other monetary means to keep them in the power seat when they don't remember how they got to that point and fall from the throne.


Matt N.

_________________________
M.A.N. ,
Boy who was trapped in society's nightmare & moving on thru healing & accountability.

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#54334 - 02/18/04 02:36 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Would I sue? Tough question.

Probably not, I don't see the benefits outweighing the agony of going through the process. What is cash compared to what they have done? You can't sue to have them slowly lowered into a brush grinder. And that is how I feel it would make me feel, like I was slowly being lowered into that brush grinder.

I had a friend that sued for an accident he was in. He was awarded $30,000,000. In his own words, it doesn't make up for it. And he has never been the same since.

If you practice an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth - you get a lot of blind toothles people walking around. But in this case: I'd rather see the perps lowered into that brush grinder. To see them torn apart piece by piece, like they have done to my soul, to my childhood, to my well-being, and the years they have taken away.

Just a thought.
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#54335 - 02/18/04 05:47 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Tom,

I didn't mention it on the other threads, and I should have. Thank you. thank you for fighting the power, thank you for dealing with these bureaucratic (deleted)s who REFUSE to see the problem for what it is, just plain THANK YOU! You are saving lives, man, and if you have any information on how to do this in my state (the supposedly "liberal" one :p ), please PM me.

Would I sue? That's a hard question, since I don't even know where to begin looking for the guilty parties. My abuser? Knew him by a last name only. The school committee? Boy, would I! There had to be some signs that things weren't right (all of it (almost) happened in my school!). My parents? One's dead (and I know that if she dead sure KNEW what was going on, she'd have stopped it) and the other is a feeble old man who's halfway out of his mind, so he doesn't know and can't understand how his emotional abuse threw me in this man's arms.

But if I could sue, would I? Probably not, because I know how the world would treat me. "He's coming out with this NOW? Why not then? He kept going back, so he must've enjoyed it. He's only in it for the money. Well, he turned out GAY didn't he? Maybe he WANTED it." And on down the line, probably getting even worse.

I wish I could. I wish I could punish the (deleted)s who made this happen. I wish I HAD that kind of courage. But I'm still a scared little boy afraid of being hurt and kicked out of society.

Please send me the information on advocacy if you have some. Maybe it's about time this little boy take his power back all the way.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#54336 - 02/18/04 06:32 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Muldoon - to 'Sue my Perp' in the UK would mean going in for the financial kill! I know that my perp has little of significant value and does not work (yes he is still in the same town 34 years on)...he's been to court (not for me but others) and has had the odd slap on the wrist.

I'm early in the recovery process, but do have thoughts of taking a case against him and drummming up some media interest at the same time (I couldn't do this at present)...he is a known perv now!

I am not interested in £ / $ ,,, I do care that he does not repeat his behaviour (as a known perv this is difficult).

You say that most of your actions are "Lobbying at Capital", and that you don't think that that helps anyone here....WELL IT DOES - IF WHAT YOU DO PUTS THIS WHOLE ISSUE IN THE PUBLIC EYE, THEN THERE MAY COME A DAY WHEN SITES LIKE THIS ARE NOT REQUIRED - THERE MAY BE NO MORE NEW VICTIMS/SURVIVORS....DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND GOOD LUCK WITH IT!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#54337 - 02/18/04 08:47 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1264
Loc: Northern Ohio
Muldoon,
If my perp had been alive when I recovered all my memories, I have no doubt what-so-ever that I would have murdered him. Period!
Where I am today, looking at it, I think I would prosecut him to the fullest I could. Even-though he was my father. But this point is moot.
He is dead, cancer got him, & good riddance.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#54338 - 02/19/04 06:14 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
No. I do not think it would serve me any purpose. There is nothing I could gain from it that could possibly give me back anything I have lost, or make it more acceptable that it happened, or compensate me for the shit he done and that I still go through because of him. It seems it would be pointless to me.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#54339 - 02/19/04 02:12 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I would not sue any of my perps. There is nothing I could gain from it, and it would not really be any kind of punishment. The only reason I would sue would be if I knew he was hurting others, just to try to get him to stop that, but I would not sue for myslef.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#54340 - 02/20/04 04:36 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
HELL YES..AND A TEXAS 2 STEP..ON THE GRITTER.

YOU ARE DOIN A GREAT SERVICE TO THIS COUNTRY AS WELL, SIR.

YOU ARE SAVIN' SOULS. YOU ARE MAKING PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS SEXUAL VIOLENCE. SURVIVORS/VICTIMS HAVE RIGHTS TOO.

CHECK OUT THIS LINK>>>>>>>>>>>

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/welcome.html

KEEP UP THE OUTSTANDING WORK.

I SALUTE YOU & YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS.

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#54341 - 02/20/04 09:39 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
uselesstheories Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
Well, whereas my perp was my female parent (mother is too kind a term for her) I haven't had any thoughts of suing, not only for she doesn't have much, but for the cost, expenses, time, etc. to get so involved. (And I now live 2000 miles away for a very good reason)

But, being the youngest child, and having none of my siblings or even my father know what happened to me is still weighing heavily upon me.

Sue? No. Expose her for the child molester that she is in her home town in front of her family and friends? YES - once I feel strong enough to handle it.

As many have said, money will not fix me nor change what happened. Public exposure and potentially having her circle of family and friends around her know what she did to her own flesh and blood? PRICELESS. \:D

_________________________
Life is pain your Highness; anyone who tells you differently is selling something.
- William Goldman

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#54342 - 02/20/04 10:25 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#54343 - 02/21/04 10:22 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Muldoon -

Tonight I have just watched a program on satellite (Sky) television.

It was about 'sex offenders' and showed several paedophiles that were currently undergoing 'treatment'.

*************May Trigger***************
*************May Trigger***************

One of these pervs was in the middle of a prison sentence of about 20 years (couldn't take it all in as I just stumbled over the program) and was undergoing aversion therapy. This therapy involved smelling some foul liquid (don't know what) whilst being shown semi-naked pictures of young boys (??????). Apparently he now only gets 'a twinge' a couple of times in one half hour session rather than feeling 'rampant' throughout.

He is undergoing this 'treatment' in the hope of being released.

The 'treatment centre/jail' was somewhere in Arkansas (my geographical knowledge of USA is not that good, so don't know if this is anywhere near you or not) - near some small farming town with a population of 3k.

Apparently this one paedophile has 43 victims that he has admitted to, including his stepson. When I switched the television off, it was at the point where the stepson had asked to see the perv to get some answers - I had seen enough of his snivelling attitude & crying for himself, pretendng it was for his victims. I don't know if the stepson got to speak to him or not(strangle him would be better). The first time he abused the stepson , the boy was about 7 and laid on a carpet watching television...the perv actually gave a basic de>
_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#54344 - 02/22/04 08:55 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
scarman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/09/04
Posts: 74
Loc: London On Canada
I did!!

He was sentenced last Sept. He was given 18months for someone else and an additional 4 months for what he did to me. Total 22months, not alot, but better than nothing. Typically they only serve 1/3 of their sentence. So he will be out soon if not already.

I'm glad I did press charges. This I'm sure of.

shawn

_________________________
scarman stands for the tatoos I have, and also the emotional scars I've accumulated from my past.

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#54345 - 02/23/04 12:17 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
faceinthecrowd Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
I am trying.The county prosecuter,detectives,and my own lawyer are working together.I think I was probably one of his first victims.There has been at least 25 thru 50.they are estimating.He is a very public figure in this town as well as the state.At first it took everything in me to call the lawyer now about 7 mon into the investigation I feel more confident.Another victim of his came forward also which has helped the case.He was molested about 10 yrs after Iwas.Both our cases have hit some snags.Can you beleive that there were no laws written in the early seventies in the state I love in about males molesting males. I asked the detective after he found out from the prosecuting attorney that if I would have had enough in me,when I was 12 and 13 to come forward with the molestation,they would have not done anything? H e said,that it would have only been a misdemeaner, not a felony. It shows you how things have changed over the last 35 years with the publics perseption of how many perps there are and what really goes on out there.I am thinking if it does not work out to approach 2 or 3 people whom I suspect were also molested by himand take them with meand knock on his door. I know this may be down the road,and I am not sure how those that I know have dealt with their abuse,but I want to make sure before before he dies that he knows,that he did not win and that I am a 100 times the man that he ever thought he was..burn in H@$#%$^%^$^%$^%you M@$#%$^$&^F*#@$@%$%$////////////////facethesonofabitch


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#54346 - 02/23/04 12:21 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
faceinthecrowd Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
I told evryone I caNT type,or proofread either-and I always mess up in the worst places--it is not the state I "love in"--it is the state I "livein".-I am such a goof ball,forgiveand ///////////facethekeyboard


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#54347 - 02/23/04 01:33 PM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Robby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 17
Loc: Texas
I would like to...In the last year it has become a desire. My perp was a coach. He would have the athletes over to his house and use alcohol as a tool. I know other kids I ran with must have been molested by him as well. I know the school district transfered him around just like what happened in the Church. I heard he moved to Florida a few years back. He is involved in sports and that keeps him around kids. I think in Florida he is an Umpire. I am not sure in what capacity.

I am positive that his employment record with the school district is full of bad stuff. I know that when I was in 9th grade, he was the Junior Varsity Basketball coach and he got fired because he was spotted at a Detroit Pistons basketball game with his players and they were all dinking beer (same use of alcohol). I have looked on the Michigan and Florida sex offender lists to see if he is on them. Unfortunately his name is Dave Smith which is very common. I'm sure the Statue of Limitations would keep me from doing anything. My abuse happened when I was 13 and I am now 36. I would like to have him be labeled a sex offender. Right now my healing is more important that that piece of shit. There will come a day in the near future that him being held accountable will be part of my healing. It was just this past August I decided it wasnt my fault and I mourned for what was taken from me and what I couldnt get back.

Robby


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#54348 - 03/08/04 01:36 AM Re: Would you sue your perp.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks everyone for your replys. I have printed them out and will try to read over it in the next few days. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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