Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
2 registered (pufferfish, 1 invisible), 30 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443150 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#54239 - 03/15/03 11:11 PM Inner child
Jan.Scorpio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 1
Loc: Belgium
How does one deal with the inner child? How can I get rid of that overreacting kid when it feels abandoned? When it happened I didn't get the support I needed when I tried to involve parents and a priest. This seems more troubling than the incest. Lately I tried to communicate with the other brothers, but the result was nil.
I have a therapist and friends I can talk to but it's not enough for me.

I'm sure a few here can tell me more than just it'll pass, and it takes time. I do not really have all this time, I'm a single father of two children with psychological trouble themselves.
They need my attention as well although my self-esteem is very low now, as I seem in a stand still. I can barely do the basics here as clean the house, do the laundry and prepare food.
J.

_________________________
Jan.Scorpio

Top
#54240 - 03/16/03 06:17 PM Re: Inner child
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I wish I had some answers for you Scorpio. "Grown up" Orodo takes care of "Little Markie Maypo", who is still inside, terrified. I keep telling him he'll be ok, not his fault, and he will have his time to be right. And I will give him his time and his day. When I come to this site, the child in me is sitting right next to me, watching, reading, listening.....HEALING, I think.

Peace

Orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

Top
#54241 - 03/16/03 08:03 PM Re: Inner child
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Hi,

There is a post on this subject; sorry, I do not remember by whom. Also one on Self-Parenting on the Books for Survivors Forum that might be useful. I get the impression that we need to learn how to become a parent to the Inner Child.

Peace, Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

Top
#54242 - 03/18/03 07:51 AM Re: Inner child
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
J,

"How does one deal with the inner child? How can I get rid of that overreacting kid when it feels abandoned?..."

I don't think we can get rid of any part of our inner child. What we can do is learn how to listen, nuture and allow them to tell their story. When you take care of your own children, take what love they can give you and let your inner child feel that.

"...When it happened I didn't get the support I needed when I tried to involve parents and a priest. This seems more troubling than the incest. Lately I tried to communicate with the other brothers, but the result was nil. I have a therapist and friends I can talk to but it's not enough for me...."

J, it is so sad and aweful when the people we want to understand and help us don't. We can stay upset and stuck and hurt, etc. Another way is to say, ok - they won't help me, I need to find people who will.


"...I'm sure a few here can tell me more than just it'll pass, and it takes time. I do not really have all this time, I'm a single father of two children with psychological trouble themselves.
They need my attention as well although my self-esteem is very low now, as I seem in a stand still. I can barely do the basics here as clean the house, do the laundry and prepare food."

J, it sounds like your experiencing depression. Talk to a doctor, or psychiatrist about getting on an anti-depressant or some other medication to help you function.

You can get through this.

jer


Top
#54243 - 03/18/03 09:05 AM Re: Inner child
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Quote:
J, it is so sad and aweful when the people we want to understand and help us don't. We can stay upset and stuck and hurt, etc. Another way is to say, ok - they won't help me, I need to find people who will.
Finding other people has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. I use to keep everything inside and it was killing me. However the fact remains that my family maintains this code of secrecy and it weights me down more that I would like it to. I feel like I'm on the verge of my own war because I know that sooner or later I will have to confront them. The only question is when. But when everything surfaces I know that much of my inner conflict will subside. I'm just bracing for the battle.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

Top
#54244 - 03/18/03 11:33 PM Re: Inner child
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
My therapist advised me to nurture my inner child as I would if it were my own child that was in pain. I know very well how to comfort and help my own children, so I guess her idea is to use the same strategies when my "little taipan" surfaces and is in pain, and in need of love, comfort, and protection. That strategy has worked very well for me. Good luck, taipan


Top
#54245 - 03/19/03 01:06 PM Re: Inner child
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm lucky to be able to remember back to before my abuse started, and I often try to recall little details of how I played as a kid. That way I bring a little bit of that happiness to the present day, we connect a little bit. Young Dave and old Dave reach out for each other and share a smile.

I have a picture of myself at age 10 right above my monitor, and young Dave smiles at me every time I glance up.

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#54246 - 03/19/03 06:20 PM Re: Inner child
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I agree with orodo, Jan.Scorpio you sound depressed to me also. when my daughters were young I was going through a major depression, and I was very paralized by it, I barely functioned. Actually for a period of time I ceased to function at all. If it weren’t for my wife’s reasonable stability, I don’t know what would have happened to my children. I flunked out of college because of the depression .

Recently, antidepressants helped me get my ducks in a row well enough to finish my undergrad as well as my grad programs.

My oldest once said of my emotional unavailability ( at 4 yrs old), “I don’t like sad.” Today ( at 30 yrs old )she is a trained actress that shines in improvisational comedy. When we are gathered as a family we sometimes have to litterally say, through our belly laughs at her antics, “OK, you can stop entertaining now.” I think her wonderful sense of humor has it’s roots in the pained 4 year old’s “I don’t like sad.”

When they were little I was very, very wrapped up in my own agonizing pain.



Once when I worked on a hospital psych unit , a therapist who worked on the unit used an analogy that explained some of the dynamics of trauma and it’s effects on self esteem.

He said imagine going to a local hospital’s newborn nursery. After looking at each of the infants, your task is to pick out the newborn that was not born precious.

Anyone who had any remnant of a heart would find this an impossible task to be burdened with. And yet within a few days or weeks, some of those infants will already have learned that he or she is not precious.


One of the qualities of self esteem is that it can’t be taught by declaration, “you need to have self esteem”, it can only be taught by example. We show them how to love themselves by loving ourselves.

I believe my daughters were born precious. I believed I was born a shit, at best.

There is a problem .

There is a saying they use in AA, “Fake till you make it.” I had to learn to at least act as if I mattered. It sure didn’t fit my beliefs about myself but I had to say it anyway. Gradually, with more therapy and self help readings and a heavy dose of patience and self tolerance, self love began to fit and now , most of the time, I no longer have to fake it.

In disciplining my daughters I would ask myself will they still feel precious when I’m through punishing them? They were allowed to express their displeasure at being sent to their rooms. When they declared “I hate you”, I also understood they also loved me even more.

I highly recommend a parenting book, “Between Parent And Child,” by Hiam Gonot (? spelling.) I have not read his other book, “Between Parent And Teenager,” but I’ve heard it is very good. He helped me understand the meaning behind children’s statements and questions.

Other books that focus on the inner child are listed in the public forum, books for survivors. As has alredy been mentioned, there are some earlier posts that explore the notion of the child within.

My children taught me many things about the child within me. For example how eager a child is to please. All I had to say was “I don’t like it when you climb on the furniture and my daughter wou;d say, “OK, daddy-man!.” I’m not saying they were always angels, but they were always precious, even during the so called “terrible two’s” when they begin to assert their autonomy as human beings. ( The secret was to not ask questions or make demands that could be responded to with a “NO.”)

The little boy in me learned early on that my own needs were ignorable. When my mother needed to be consoled for what was inconsolable in her, I was a well groomed
to try to please her. She took me to bed with her through most of my adolescence.

The ongoing struggle is to forgive him for being so naively vulnerable. We are all biologically programmed to be so vulnerable, it is in our nature as human beings.

What happened to me taught me to despise and reject the little boy in me and the vulnerability that is part of his nature.

To be so vulberable means we can again experience that searing pain that no one should ever have to endure. It is no wonder that we adopt the defenses that we do.

The problem comes when we are trying to live our adult life. Not letting people in close defeats our adult relationships. It helped us to survive our childhood, but is very destructive when we are emotionally absent with our children and our adult relationships. However even as adults there are times when it is a good skill to be self protective when we are around adults that are emotionally caustic. As adults it is about the selective use of this defensive tool. It is not about throwing away old tools as if they are no good (which is what I wanted to do), it is about the selective use of these tools.


My kids were definately responding to the healing work I was doing while they were growing. By doing my own recovery work I am showing them how to be a survivor, even if they don’t know the reasons behind the therapy and other recovery work I am involved in.

It helps me to remind myself that my inner child is a very wounded and needy inner child. It is important that I have my own support system that allows me to not use my kids to fulfill my unmet needs of my own childhood.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.