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#5410 - 09/12/02 09:22 PM Mother Abuse
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Tonight I remembered something more about my mother. Among the other things she used to do, like, check my testicles to see if they were sagging to determine if I had a fever and enemas, I have definite recall of her checking my anus for WORMS at night while I lay in bed. What the hell is that all about? Replies appreciated. There's lots of other covert stuff, but this is a new memory.

JM


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#5411 - 09/13/02 04:23 AM Re: Mother Abuse
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
It sounds similiar to what i have heard from others. The things i remember about my abuse from my mother are hard to tell because it is so confusing when you are that young.

What i hate most about it is how nobody believes my mother is capable of doing something like this. Everybody makes her out to be so perfect, it makes me so angry how they always say she loves me so much. Even though i moved, it feels like she is still here, like she is always with me somehow, and i cant get rid of her.

She is still finding reasons to bug me, and every time she does i get really depressed, even if it is just a letter. Is it wrong to want her to die? That is kind of how i feel.

I wish there was some kind of way out of here, like i could just pick up and leave, start everything all over again as somebody else.


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#5412 - 09/13/02 12:39 PM Re: Mother Abuse
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
James,

Having four kids of my own plus raising a nephew, ranging in ages from 26 to 6 right now i can tell you that a kid can get some kind of worms from dirt outside and the doc insists that you check with a flashlight at night and use a piece of scotch tape to like take a sample kinda thing,, all this before they prescribe anything.

Ok, so five kids,, i have had to do this a total of two times.

and just for the record, we have never had to give any of the five an enema ever. i am still hard pressed to understand how my mom had some medical justification (as she claims) for giving me enemas every few days for years.

Broken,

I have one of those moms too, to everyone else in the world she was a saint,, lately her shiny suit has some tarnish on it though...

and i have to correct you on one point,, I believe you, thats one person.

Hugs to both of you,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#5413 - 09/13/02 12:57 PM Re: Mother Abuse
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
mothers, ugh. we could have a whole section just dedicated to them. Mine is a piece of work too. Crossed major boundaries with me, and still would if I let her. My feelings towards her swing like a pendulum between love and raging hatred - no middle ground. She is in total denial about my SA and won't "go there". Why would she want to? If she had been present as a mom, I never would have ended up living with a paedophilic gardian for over half a year.
Meanwhile she still demands my attention far beyond the call of a son's filial responsibility. An angry, bitter and manipulative person. And yet...and yet...so many conflicting emotions. Here's to all mom's, everywhere.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#5414 - 09/13/02 03:41 PM Re: Mother Abuse
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 65
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
My abuser was my father and his excusses for anally probing me and having to preform oral sex on him was that it was punishment. Every free moment he could sneek and "punish" me; supposedly helped me be good. Granted that I never really did anything to be punished. Honestly, I had been beaten and 'programed' to not make Daddy mad ( me, my mother, and younger brother all had) from an early age. But not cleaning my plate at dinner or running in the hall hours before were his excusses to punish me. My point in sharing this is that when someone wants to do something as horrid as abuse a child, THEY dont need a reason; they just need the deed to be kept quite. My abuser has called me over the past 14 years irregularly to threaten or to be remorseful to clear his guilt.
It is disruptful and brutal to me each time Because I have my own son and wife and I wish everyday that he would just die and leave me alone. But I know he wont and I also know that He is scum and a child rapist and that he will burn in some fiery eternal afterplace. Now, when he calls I describe to him in detail what he did to the little boy I used to be and about all the things ( raping my mother in front of me and my brother), the beatings, all the things to remind him how he is sick and needs help. Ive noticed that his calls have become less frequent.
And no, he doesnt admit, acknowledge, or pretend that he EVER did anything; but I wont ever stop reminding his sick ass.


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#5415 - 09/15/02 11:35 PM Re: Mother Abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
James:

Well, that was a freakout! Reading your post reminded me that my mother used to "check me for worms" a lot, too. :rolleyes:

Broken:

Yeah, I feel like my mother is always around too, even tho she's across the country. I'm not even answering her letters anymore becuz I just can't stand the thot of her. Do I want her to die? As far as I'm concerned, she is dead, at least that's how I'm treating her. But I'm not mourning.

"I wish there was some kind of way out of here, like i could just pick up and leave, start everything all over again as somebody else."

Brother, that's a mouthful I really relate to!

Tomorrow I go to my second session of confronting my mother with my T as guide; not physically, but still in a very real way. Last week's session was very helpful & I look forward to this one. Right now that's my way to get out, pick up & leave.

And yeah, start over as someone else. Becuz dealing with her & moving beyond her is enabling me to start over, help the child I never was to be & to grow up with me, to become somebody else--the person I was always meant to be!

John:

No doubt the only "medical justification" your mother had for "your" enemas was to "medicate" herself, whatever it was she was trying to fix.

Enemas my mother never tried; but she was no saint, and that was no secret to anyone!

ARW:

Good idea; a section just on mothers! My mother was my primary abuser; sexual & emotional incest throughout my childhood, making me her surrogate husband, and father to my brother.

I had pretty much cut contact with her for quite a while. Then I began to try to reconcile our relationship, flying her to see my family a couple of times. It took my wife & kids to help me see she was still trying to emotionally (and maybe sexually) incest me.

My mother is a classic hard-core, demanding, manipulative narcissist. She is in denial about dong anything wrong, much less the abuse I only recently remembered myself.

Aptrick:

My father also incested me, tho I know he was not my primary abuser; my mother coerced him & more than a few men since to join her in abusing me.

Good for you for thrusting the darkness of your father's abuse of you out into the light & into his face! I am not yet able to do so with my mother, except in my therapy, which may be all I can or need to do now.

After recovering memories of her abuse recently, I (again) broke contact with her. She has not lately tried to get back in touch. Somehow I think she knows what it's about. I'll tell her for sure whenever the time might come.

Take care gentlemen

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#5416 - 09/30/02 04:51 PM Re: Mother Abuse
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i stopped bringing the issue up. even though i was abused by women, not just my mother, but my aunts. i was prostituted for a while when i was a kid, i was with men and women. my father and uncles were a part of the abuse, in fact, they did more physical damage than any of my aunts, but the effects of that were lessened by my youngest uncle. he wasn't much older than me, so as my cousins and brothers and i grew up, my uncle became an adult, and he never once abused us. i learned from him that i didn't have to grow up to be like my father and uncles. and i figured if he could go thru so much, and not take it out on any of us, then there might be men elsewhere who wouldn't try and hurt me either.

i never experienced this with women. when i first ran away, the first person i told was a woman. i told her as much as i could remember, and she more or less didn't believe me. i got put in foster care, first in group homes, then with a family. i told a few people here and there, and the response was the same. they had no problem believing that i was abused by my father, and maybe my uncles, but women were out of the question.

by the time i got into a stable home, i was pretty much done talking about it. the attitudes i got were too much for me to handle. i tried therapy a few times, but that didn't work too well. i couldn't relax and talk. i even tried a female therapist just to make myself try to ease up on my fear of women, but it didn't work well. i couldn't talk freely with her, and by the time i told her the reason why, i was practically out of the door.

my worst experience came from a survivor group i had joined. there were two other males in the group, both twice my age, but we got along. the rest of the group was female. i had a hard time talking openly with them. some of the things they would say i found offense. comments like "men are just like that'. no one said flat out that i should leave, but i didn't feel like i was part of the group. i spoke more with the other two guys outside of group than i did when i was in session. the last time i attended, one of the members went off on me for saying that i was raped by my aunts. she was so insulted by the comment, about the way i described what happened, she got in my face, yelled at me, and stormed out. i left and never went back.

i've had a few occasions since then where i've said i was abused by women, and the attitudes have been smug. so i stopped bringing it up. i didn't like feeling that i had to justify the abuse, to prove that what was done was abuse. there's no question something was done to me. my arms are covered in scars, i have a few on my face. but when it comes to women, people just refuse to believe it.

right now, i tell people on a need to know basis. in places like this, it's easier to talk about it. i have problems speaking about the abuse with people i don't know, especially being face to face. i was taught to look someone in the eyes when you speak to then, but i just can't do that when i talk about my past. not even with my cousins and brothers. at a place like this, it's easier because i don't have to look anyone in the eyes.

and yet, when i have spoken up, the pain is there in my eyes. i don't cry, i haven't cried in years, since my uncle, the one i was talking about, killed himself two years ago, and before that, not since i'd left that house. but i know that the look on my face changes. and to be able to see that and say i'm lying or it's not as bad as it is for females, it's frustrating.

i wouldn't advise anyone to do what i do, to not speak up. i've gotten to the point where the public's opinion of what abuse is no longer matters to me. i got tired of having to prove it to everyone. and last year, i testified against one of the women i was sold to, i had reported her and few others whose names and addresses i could remember, and she walked with just two years probation and six months in therapy. she was let out on bail when the charges were first filed. she actually got herself caught. she gave a friend a tape with some educational show on it she'd recorded off tv, and it just happened to be on of the tapes she'd used to record the sex she'd had with me years before. i don't know why they let her out, possibly because she's a mother. but a few days later when the police returned to do another search of her property, the first time they found some tapes of me and her, they caught her having sex with her 9 year old son, found more tapes and photos, her son tried to kill himself, and the jury just wasn't convinced. as pissed as i was for her walking, the slap in the face came when she wasn't even made to register as a sex offender. it's still on appeal, the prosecutor was as pissed as i was, but i told him i didn't want any part of the next trial. he'd have to force me to go.

i was just shocked that she was allowed to walk, shocked that a jury that sat thru twenty hours of this woman having sex with me and her son could let her walk.

since then, i haven't bothered bringing up the issue unless i know the person is willing to listen. hate the attitude that women don't do any wrong, and i truly hate the continuation of the lie that nearly all abuse is committed by men and that the majority of the victims of abuse are women.

i'm willing to talk about the issue, i think telling about my abuse and what happened can help other victims. it's just that too many people don't believe this happens, so getting a decent forum is nearly impossible.

jake


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#5417 - 09/30/02 05:00 PM Re: Mother Abuse
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
[john] hugs jake, that whole thing still just makes me cringe and shiver, my heart goes out to you jake, your family let you down, she let you down and the courts and all the damn adults in your life let you down, pisses me off.

i think your doing good jake, keep talking ok?

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#5418 - 09/30/02 05:37 PM Re: Mother Abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
Welcome to our safe house, although I'm sorry you need to be here.

Quote:
iím willing to talk about the issue, i think telling about my abuse and what happened can help other victims. itís just that too many people donít believe this happens, so getting a decent forum is nearly impossible.
Telling your story to people who DO BELIEVE YOU is so important, and I think that you've found the best place to do it, although we can never substitute for a skilled therapist.
There's a great bunch of guys here all working towards recovery, this is a place where we support one another, unload our fears and test our dreams.

Be strong Jake
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5419 - 10/07/02 04:09 PM Re: Mother Abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

Your story is a tragic example of why more male survivors don't speak out. Most people seem to think its a big joke that any boy or man couldn't want & enjoy sex, especially with women.

You're brave to have even tried as much as you have, and I'm sorry your experiences have gone so badly.

Besides online, I've told only my wife, grown daughters, T, pdoc, and some members of a "live" group I was in for awhile, of men with sexual & relational addictions & compulsions. Responses to me have been much more favorable, but I've spoken only within very safe settings. I can't imagine trying to talk to anyone else in my family, any friends, or especially women in general.

What happened to you in that so-called survivor group and in that so-called trial really pisses me off! Some women want the best of both worlds and are so hypocritical in their double standards. They want to be treated as equals to males when it comes to pay & benefits, but when it comes to matters like this all of a sudden they're once again helpless women and we're all the mean ol' men.

That wasn't a survivors group, it was a bash & kill the men group! That wasn't a trial, it was a lynching with the rope around the wrong neck!

Do I have a problem with women? In general yes. In general I have a problem with men too.

I'm just glad for this safe place where we can share as male survivors. Glad you're here too Jake. Take care of yourself.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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