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#54005 - 04/17/04 08:29 PM Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Hi, My name is Ken and I am very embarassed to be posting this.


I am a 33 year old male. I have a 4th degree blackbelt in Kungfu and a 2nd in
Win Chun. I'm ex-military and was in the Candian Airborne Regiment.
As you can see I have spent a large portion of my life being a "manly man".
Maybe trying to prove I am a man. Maybe trying to just work out the anger and
betrayal of what was done to me by someone who I trusted fully. A teacher I really looked up to in grade 6. He was my "friend", a scout leader, and very active in other soclai groups with childen.

He befriended me shortly after my mother and father had a horrible seperation, and my father seemed very disinterested in me. This teacher showed interest. Became my friend, then began
molesting me. I am embarassed to admit it but I think I allowed it to go on, with the innocent wisdom of a child... I will put up with this "bad stuff" because he is my friend and pays attention to me.

Please bear with me because this is the first I have really put focus to my
thoughts, never mind write them down.

What was he thinking??

Anyhow. I am a 33 year old male whole feels like is is 12 some times. Who is angry a lot of the time. Who has dreams about this man and how he hurt me. A part of me wants to put my lifetimes training to good use and inflict on this
man even a fraction of what he inflicts on me every day.

You see. I'm affraid I'm not coping very well right now and could really use
some support.

Truly embarassed,

Ken

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54006 - 04/17/04 08:46 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
You know... after years of hiding this from EVERYONE, it kinda leaves me feeling very vulnerable seeing my own words in front of me.

Shit \:\(

I guess you all know what I'm feeling. Why didn't I stop it? Did I like it? Was I affraid of him? Didn't he think I would ever grow up??

I'm not sure what set me off today. Why I'm pacing around my condo like a caged animal. Hell, even my dog seems to sense my mood.

I'm feeling very desperate right now, but even worse, alone. I have done it to myself by excluding everyone from this.. By fearing peoples reactions to my weakness...

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54007 - 04/17/04 08:48 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
you have come to the one place in cyberspac where you will be understood and not condemned in any way, shape or form. i am currently struggling with soem fantasy issues about things i will not go into here, but it involves the debate of how much i was involved in the abuse that i suffered directly from age three through twelve. the one thing we have to keep telling ourselves is that we were not at fault. i know this myself intellectually, but struggle with the integration of that truth. no matter the point at which one is on in the journey of recovery, the objective truth is that we were completely innocent. this is the bedrock truth that all of us come to understand and accept in time for ourselves. you were innocent, ken. this teacher was a predator who abused you in a very conscious manner. your response to his attention did not mean you wanted this to happen, or encouraged it. that is the objective truth. i clarify that because as i said, i am struggling with this very issue myself right now and cannot accept it as subjectively true for myself. we were innocent, ken. pm me if you need to.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54008 - 04/17/04 08:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
firstly, thank you for your reply.

It is funny how you put it.

I also know intellectually that it wan't my "fault", but I can't get my heart behind the idea.

On days like today things are bad.

I have MANY friends. I am the president of a motorcycle club with over 800 members.

I need so desperatly to express of even just get a hug, but my biggest fear in the world is being discovered.

My girlfriend knows something "happened", but I won't talk to her about it. She is out of town tonight, but I guess that is for the best.

I hate myself for my weaksness.
I fear sleep for what it wil bring.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling here, but I feel if I don't type I will explode.

You ever go to bed and think "if I don't wake up tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad"?

What a horrible way to live \:\(

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54009 - 04/17/04 08:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
You should not be embarrassed to be here, he is the child molestor you are the victim. I know thats hard to really believe but its true, I know I had (and sometimes still have) problems with that myself.

I wish I could give you more advice but I am relatively new here myself, but I do know that you've come to the right place. There are alot of people who are ready to help where they can.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#54010 - 04/17/04 09:08 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, posting here is a good place to start. We all welcome you. I myself am dealing with anger issues concerning what happened to me. I think that you should call your local rape crisis hotline. You can do it anonymously. You can talk with someone who knows about abuse. You can be yourself. You will find it absolutely amazing how much relief you will get just from talking to someone there for a little time. I called them. It gave me more relief and strength than you could immagine. You need to talk to someone to get some of that anger out. I know what I'm talking about, I am facing criminal charges because I focused my anger on the person who assaulted me. They aren't worth it. Don't let that bastard take more away from you than he already has. If you go to prison, what kind of SA do you think could happen there? Please talk to someone.

Other than that, Welcome.
\:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54011 - 04/17/04 09:09 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
i know the desperation of what you refer to, my friend. i recall a dream i had so many years ago where i woke up completely convinced that i had done a horrible crime against an innocent. i woke up crying thinking that no one can find this out, but knowing that i would have to turn myself in and so fearful how it would impact my wife at the time (now divorced and happily within the embrace of my true soulmate now). i laid awake for nearly an hour trying to calm down. in the end i was finally able to accept that it was just a nightmare. years later, i started recalling the abuse i suffered at the hands of my maternal perrp and herr husband when i was three years old. all my life i carried this sense of personal filth around me that i could not identify, i only knew that if anyone else knew the real me, they would run screaming. this isolation you have maintained was a survival method of keeping yourself safe, ken. now, you are in a position where the healing can begin. this is what hte initial desperation is about. the old ways are not working anymore, and wont from here on out. we are here for you, bro, i am here. pm me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54012 - 04/17/04 09:11 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
You know.. I never thoight of that.

Man I think I would feel stupid calling. It happened so long ago. There are people out there who really need that help, and I would just be tying up a line.

I guess I never put that word "rape" to what happened to me....

Quote:
Originally posted by MikeNY:
Ken, posting here is a good place to start. We all welcome you. I myself am dealing with anger issues concerning what happened to me. I think that you should call your local rape crisis hotline. You can do it anonymously. You can talk with someone who knows about abuse. You can be yourself. You will find it absolutely amazing how much relief you will get just from talking to someone there for a little time. I called them. It gave me more relief and strength than you could immagine. You need to talk to someone to get some of that anger out. I know what I'm talking about, I am facing criminal charges because I focused my anger on the person who assaulted me. They aren't worth it. Don't let that bastard take more away from you than he already has. If you go to prison, what kind of SA do you think could happen there? Please talk to someone.

Other than that, Welcome.
\:\)


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54013 - 04/17/04 09:15 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Ken,

You're going to read things like this from several guys, I'm sure, but let me be one of the first to tell you that no one wants to need a place like this, but we're glad that you found us.
Quote:
Hi, My name is Ken and I am very embarassed to be posting this.
That embarssment, or shame, if I may, is not your own. It belongs to the criminal who committed the crime, not to the boy who survived it or the man you've become.
Quote:
I am a 33 year old male. I have a 4th degree blackbelt in Kungfu and a 2nd in
Win Chun. I'm ex-military and was in the Candian Airborne Regiment.
As you can see I have spent a large portion of my life being a "manly man".
Maybe trying to prove I am a man. Maybe trying to just work out the anger and
betrayal of what was done to me by someone who I trusted fully.
I must say, you did a damn good job of that. These accomplishments did not come without a lot of hard work and talent. Maybe part of your motivation was some "compensation" thing, but that does not make what you did any less impressive. There are many other ways to react. My reactions did not lead to any proud accomplishments, for instance. Hiding from relationships with drugs, spending some time living in my car, the sort of thing I don't look forward to sharing with my kids.
Quote:
A teacher I really looked up to in grade 6. He was my "friend", a scout leader, and very active in other soclai groups with childen.
Not so much a teacher or leader as a criminal, an abuser, a perp. I try to separate what they do from their public persona. I think that makes it easier for me to believe in good people who fill roles like that admirably.

Quote:
He befriended me shortly after my mother and father had a horrible seperation, and my father seemed very disinterested in me. This teacher showed interest. Became my friend, then began
molesting me. I am embarassed to admit it but I think I allowed it to go on, with the innocent wisdom of a child... I will put up with this "bad stuff" because he is my friend and pays attention to me.
You "allowed" it to go on because you were a child. He manipulated you. He abused you. You did not "allow" it in any real sense of giving consent or permission. Like you said, it was "the innocent wisdom of a child."
Quote:
Please bear with me because this is the first I have really put focus to my
thoughts, never mind write them down.
It's good that you can get them written and get them out. Keeping that kind of stuff inside will eat you alive.

The people here do a good job of bearing with one another. Each of the men and many of the partners that post here know how it felt to live through such abuse and to try to "hide" it.
Quote:
What was he thinking??
My guess is something like "I'll get what I want. I'll get what I want. I'll get what I want!"
But nary a thought of you.
Quote:
Anyhow. I am a 33 year old male whole feels like is is 12 some times. Who is angry a lot of the time. Who has dreams about this man and how he hurt me. A part of me wants to put my lifetimes training to good use and inflict on this
man even a fraction of what he inflicts on me every day.
I personally doubt that would solve anything for you in the long run. I admit it would probably feel great for at least part of the actual exercise, but it wouldn't really deal with the kinds of feelings this perp instilled in you. For myself I am finding therapy to be very helpful. I've not been in the military, or ever seriously studied martial arts or Eastern philosophies, but one of the bravest things I ever did was going to therapy and talking there. In some sense, by going to therapy I was actually face to face with the kind of fear the assaults brought, but this time I didn't flinch.
Quote:
You see. I'm affraid I'm not coping very well right now and could really use
some support.
You are definitely in the right place to find support. I have made some dear friendships here and I know I can come here for support when I need it. This really is a wonderful community. Though most of us never meet face to face, these are real friends.

Ken, despite what that perp did to you, you went on to the Airborne, the two black belts, and even to finding the courage to write about his crime here. You deserve to feel good about yourself and proud of your accomplishments. I hope that you will feel those things as you get through this time. I don't know if we can ever be "cured" but I do believe that one day I will have put the effects of the abuse behind me and will live a better life than what I had not long ago. I wish the same good fortune for you.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#54014 - 04/17/04 09:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, you are one of those people out there that need that help. They will be more than happy to give it to you. They are wonderful caring people.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54015 - 04/17/04 09:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Wow.. \:\(

I'm speachless.

You people are great and very understanding. Also very smart.

I know it wasn't a realistic expectation, but I expected to be laughed at.

Can someone answer this question for me?

I have some very good friends who are gay. I have no issue with that/them, but I also harbour alot of hatred towards homosexuals.

I KNOW pedophile does not = homosexual.

Whay am I like this. I don't like/beleive in hate.

Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ken,
i know the desperation of what you refer to, my friend. i recall a dream i had so many years ago where i woke up completely convinced that i had done a horrible crime against an innocent. i woke up crying thinking that no one can find this out, but knowing that i would have to turn myself in and so fearful how it would impact my wife at the time (now divorced and happily within the embrace of my true soulmate now). i laid awake for nearly an hour trying to calm down. in the end i was finally able to accept that it was just a nightmare. years later, i started recalling the abuse i suffered at the hands of my maternal perrp and herr husband when i was three years old. all my life i carried this sense of personal filth around me that i could not identify, i only knew that if anyone else knew the real me, they would run screaming. this isolation you have maintained was a survival method of keeping yourself safe, ken. now, you are in a position where the healing can begin. this is what hte initial desperation is about. the old ways are not working anymore, and wont from here on out. we are here for you, bro, i am here. pm me.


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54016 - 04/17/04 09:20 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Ken,
Welcome here. I know the reasons for being here suck, but life is not fair. Do not feel embarrased for what you had no control over. That bastard teacher feel feel the shame, not you.
I really do not have any gems of incredible wisdom, but I can tell you that we are all here for you when you need help. Just reach out, we will not let you fall.
I have went to bed not caring if I ever wake up many times. I am realizing that life has alot more to offer than I have recieved thus far. Just hang on during the tough times, and eventually things will begin to look a little less horrific.
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

Top
#54017 - 04/17/04 09:23 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
wow... please forgive me. The replies are comein fast and furious.

Guys. Please understand me.

I am doing something right now I haven't allowed myself to do in years.

I am crying.

All these years of being "the only one" or the "one with the dirty secret".

Then I find you fine folks.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54018 - 04/17/04 09:23 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Ken,

When I get on a roll, I go on and on and on and....

Anyway, you have a couple responses in the time I took to write my first one. I just want to second the idea that you talk to someone.

If your girlfriend "knows something happened" she may be guessing what it was now. The first person I told was my wife and it turned out to do me and us a world of good.

I used the local crisis center to find the T I see now. Call. They are there for exactly what you need. If someone else needs them, too, they'll get through on another line. You can't take care of the world. Call.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#54019 - 04/17/04 09:26 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, it is common for victums of SA to question their sexuality, especially when it's a man doing it to a man or a boy. Victums also react in other ways to these things. I'm not a therapist, but I would guess that you are associating the sick acts that one dimented bastard did to you as homosexual acts (which they weren't, they were nothing more than sexual abuse by a derranged animal), and associating it with your homosexual friends.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54020 - 04/17/04 09:31 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
the hate you feel is a normal reaction to the criminal actions of the one who violated your young trust.

the confusion/ambiguity over sexuality is because of the violation of the normal development children should be able to experience, but victims of csa are not able to. because of theat early violation there is so much confusion over normal sexual boundaries that we as survivors are confused with. i am currently struggling with these boundary issues on many fronts. right now i am fairly stable, but it is touch and go. the confusion is normal, ken. the boundaries we would have learned had we been left alone to grow as we should have are no longer an option for us. what we have to do is re-learn what normal boundaries are and not to hurt ourselves by negative thinking, or actual behavior, while we are on this journey. does this answer some of your questions? feel free to ask more in any way you feel comfortable with.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54021 - 04/17/04 09:35 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
you put it in a way I never would have considered.

It makes perfect sense, amd I'm embarassed that i didn't consider that myself.

I'm so very glad that i came here tonight. I think I have grown and began to understand things that have been haunting me for all these years..

Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ken,
the hate you feel is a normal reaction to the criminal actions of the one who violated your young trust.

the confusion/ambiguity over sexuality is because of the violation of the normal development children should be able to experience, but victims of csa are not able to. because of theat early violation there is so much confusion over normal sexual boundaries that we as survivors are confused with. i am currently struggling with these boundary issues on many fronts. right now i am fairly stable, but it is touch and go. the confusion is normal, ken. the boundaries we would have learned had we been left alone to grow as we should have are no longer an option for us. what we have to do is re-learn what normal boundaries are and not to hurt ourselves by negative thinking, or actual behavior, while we are on this journey. does this answer some of your questions? feel free to ask more in any way you feel comfortable with.


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54022 - 04/17/04 09:44 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
this stuff comes hard won, i assure \:D . do not feel embarrassed by not being able to discover it yourself. when we only have the experience of forcing squares into triangle holes, our way of finding solutions will necessarily be very limited. it begins tonight, my friend. there is an image i frequently use that means a lot to me. it is the image drawn from my thelogy research from a master of the discipline. he speaks of the ever expanding horizon as representing the journey we are on in reaching for the holy and the sacred. to me this is about hope. there have been many times i have felt close to the end. in fact, i tried to commit suicide as a child, and once as an adult. when i am feeling so down, it is a struggle of epic proportions to turn my head to the horizon when it is buried in the dirt, but i succeed somehow. we are here to welcome you. you are no longer alone, ken, we stand with you.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54023 - 04/17/04 09:47 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Oh, by the way, "there's two types of bikers, those who have been down, and those who are going down" Which are you? I've crashed one.
\:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54024 - 04/17/04 10:04 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
I've only been down on the track once. That really hurt. I was off work for a month! (broke all my ribs at the spine).

I now spend a lot of time riding at Deals gap in Tennessee (www.tailofthedragon.com)

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54025 - 04/17/04 10:06 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Ken,

Welcome. There is no embarassment in getting help coping with what he had done to you. The embarassment, shame, disgust, and you name it is his, that thing that claimed to be a man, a teacher, and a scout leader.

The guys have pretty much said it all. Joe was really on a roll tonight and gave you a lot of good insight along with the others.

Welcome, take care, and don't be afraid or embarassed to ask a question, post a concern or let out a rant.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#54026 - 04/17/04 10:07 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
I just got off the phone with the toronto Rape crisis center.

Probably one of the saddest/funniest experiences of my life.

I'm not sure what i expected, but I did expect her to display some interest..lol. Kinda felt like I woke her up.

I know it was probably a random bad experience, but I'm not sure I'll be calling them back.

Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ken,
this stuff comes hard won, i assure \:D . do not feel embarrassed by not being able to discover it yourself. when we only have the experience of forcing squares into triangle holes, our way of finding solutions will necessarily be very limited. it begins tonight, my friend. there is an image i frequently use that means a lot to me. it is the image drawn from my thelogy research from a master of the discipline. he speaks of the ever expanding horizon as representing the journey we are on in reaching for the holy and the sacred. to me this is about hope. there have been many times i have felt close to the end. in fact, i tried to commit suicide as a child, and once as an adult. when i am feeling so down, it is a struggle of epic proportions to turn my head to the horizon when it is buried in the dirt, but i succeed somehow. we are here to welcome you. you are no longer alone, ken, we stand with you.


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54027 - 04/17/04 10:24 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Nancy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 15
Loc: USA
Ken,
Hi, I'm new here too. From a female perspective, I think you're great & doing the right thing by writing to these guys. They will help you & support you & carry you through. I've been on the site for a weeks & I've seen it happen. They are all wonderful. People on this site care. It's like family. Hang in there & know that you have lots of friends here who will listen. Take care of yourself & remember, you are special.
The girl with the big heart,
Nancy


Top
#54028 - 04/17/04 10:32 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Nancy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 15
Loc: USA
Ken,
One more thing. Remember, you're not alone. And you were never at fault. We care for you & believe in you.
Take care.
The girl with the big heart,
Nancy


Top
#54029 - 04/17/04 10:47 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I know what helped me find a good therapist, it was the Male Survivor Directory. There is a therapist in Toronto on the list.

Jeremy Tomlinson

I know that he will show more interest then the women at the Rape Crisis Center.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#54030 - 04/17/04 10:53 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Ken,

Suggestion...contact "The Men's Project" in Ottawa and ask them to refer you to someone trained in male sexual abuse in Toronto. You can reach them at counsellingservices@themensproject.ca

You can also click on "survivors" at the top of the page and look under "find a therapist". If you need more help don't be afraid to ask.

Taz


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#54031 - 04/17/04 10:55 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Ken

Just found a name of a therapist in Toronto who is a member of MaleSurvivor. His name is Jeremy Tomlinson, M.Ed. 416-486-2161. Good luck.

Taz


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#54032 - 04/17/04 10:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Your crash has mine beat. I mostly broke my ego and my bike. I've had mixed results with the rape crisis centers. One near me has wonderful people who are fully educated and familiar with all kinds of Sexual Assault and Abuse, another has very limited knowledge and resources. Try the one in the next town / county. You can also try looking for a therapist by using the feature on this site. I have contacted one of the ones from this site that is close to me and asked for references to a therapist in my area.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#54033 - 04/17/04 11:46 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
faceinthecrowd Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
Ken,Welcome////////I also set out to be the man of all men.I also was molested by a trusted teacher.I have had the same feelings and questions loaded with emotion.You are now on your way of becoming a man like no other.A man who is now healing and not hiding.There is no pain like healing.The men here are exceptional,they are well above the worlds definition of what real men are.Deal and heal cause you gotta feel./////////////////faceman


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#54034 - 04/17/04 11:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Ken,

First, let me say what's already been said. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you found this place. Everyone who comes here understands what you've gone through and are going through. You shouldn't feel embarassed, although it's perfectly normal. Everything you feel is normal and to be expected.

Now, to further prove you're not alone in this, I was sexually abused and raped by a school counsellor over the course of, I don't know, months when I was 11 and 12. He did it all at school. I repressed it for over twenty years until you see an adult who feels like it was yesterday.

Everything you're dealing with, the emotional isolation, the embarassment, the shame, ALL of it I've dealt with and continue to deal with.

A couple of things you can't hear enough. Ken, it wasn't your fault. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. If you take nothing else away from this, take that away with you. YOU WERE NEVER TO BLAME AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ASHAMED.

Also, by talking about it, you're taking back some of the power this animal took from you. And he did take it away, you know it. You've carried this damn secret long enough and you've felt ashamed for too damn long. Talk about it as much as you need to.

I, too, felt I "put up" with the bad stuff (God, just HEARING you say that, I felt your pain because I SAID THE SAME THING!) in order to get the love I felt I should. NEVER, NEVER FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO "TRADE" LOVE. This monster taught you this, and it's the biggest lie of them all. What you did, and how you felt, was what a child would feel. There's no shame in it. The abuser used this to get what he wanted and it was NEVER your fault.

There's a lot of wisdom here, a lot of support. Without this board, I would be dead now. Come here as often as you need to and vent, post, observe, whatever you need to. I for one am excited to hear what you have to say.

One last thing, Ken. There's something I always say to any new brother I meet here. It's a bit offputting to some, because of what we may have experienced. But I mean it truly and I feel you need to hear it. I love you, Ken. There's no strings attached to it and I want nothing in return.

PM me or any of the other brothers if you feel the need to. We're always here for you.

Peace and love, Ken. You've found a good place to start healing.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#54035 - 04/18/04 11:35 AM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Ken,

As MikeNY has said; "there's two types of bikers, those who have been down, and those who are going down". There is a lot of truth to that.

I had met this girl who wanted to know if I had laid my bike down yet, before she would ride with me. Yeap. On the street bike, I ended up with a broken shin bone when I laid my down and 'kicked' and bent the foot peg. That was the (hopefully) last time that had happened. Prior to that, one of the first times I had a passenger I inadvertantly pulled a wheely and 'dropped' my passenger. I see the logic for asking first and only riding with people that have gotten there fall out of the way.

The dirt and trial bikes are a bit different. There are a lot of falls involved. I have dislocated a shoulder out in the middle of nowhere and on another occassion broken a couple of ribs. I have learned, it is easier to reset a dislocated shoulder than it appears (ouch).

Enough of my misery,
Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#54036 - 04/18/04 11:58 AM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ken. I am sorry I have not written sooner. Was at a Food Show with my Wife in Toronto.

You have received a hell of a lot to good comments and advice from the greatest bunch of guys that I have ever come across.

Ken I live in Mississauga and work in Toronto. Yes the Men's Project in Ottawa is a great one. Rick Goodwin the Director is on our Board of Directors.

In Toronto there is also the Gatehouse near Lakeshore and Kipling which runs mens groups througout the year. They also have a peer mentoring support group that I have been a part of.

If you would like to contact me directly please send me a PM.

My life was screwed up when I was raped at Military College in Quebec by three guys when I was 16 17. I am 63 now and did nothing about it till I was 56.

Stick with us. You have joined a unique brotherhood.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54037 - 04/18/04 01:42 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Ken,

welcome here. I think everyone here can relate to trying to avoid thinking or dealing with what has happened with us, or 'overcompensating' by being 'manly men'.

The first thing, you say you are embarrassed to be here. I recall feeling the same way when first I come here. But embarrassment comes from shame, and the shame should NOT be ours. It will take time before you are able to get beyond that feeling, but it is possible. I am starting to realize that I can put the shame and anger where it belongs, which is at the people who hurt me, not in myself.

Please know that 99.99% of the people here are genuine and supportive. Once in great while you will come across someone who is not who they present themselves as, or someone who is jackass that they DO present themself as! There is a saying to remember all compliments, and forget all insults. Well, same can be true here. If people tell you good things, supportive things, and make good suggestions, keep those in your mind. Other thigs, let them go and assume they are the words of someone in more pain and confusion then you.

I wish you good luck in the healing process. You have taken a big step, just to come here. Congratulations.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#54038 - 04/18/04 07:33 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Ken - I was also groomed and then abused by an adult when I was 12. It was at a time when I was vulnerable and in need of a friend!

He was/is a pervert, I was just a kid!

No blame & no shame

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#54039 - 04/18/04 11:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ken,

It's good to get some of this stuff out in the open isn't it. I kept it all inside for 38 years before I told anyone at all.

Find a good therapist who has dealt with sexual child abuse of boys. I did that and I started to learn what feelings were about. I felt good and I felt bad but I felt.

I ride too. It's one of the things that I really enjoy doing.

Take good care of yourself Ken, the things that you're feeling and experiencing are some of the common effects of abuse. You're with friends here.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#54040 - 04/19/04 11:03 AM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Ken - sorry I have not written sooner. I've been away for a bit. I'm sorry that you need a place like this, but am so glad you found us.

In the past six months, I have been helped more by this site than years of therapy I think. Just knowing that you aren't alone. Knowing that people understand what you are going through. It's intense. It's a great group of guys.

So welcome, and hope you keep posting. It's not only your pain anymore... it's ours now too.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I don’t want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#54041 - 04/19/04 04:59 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
I wanted to thank everyone for the very warm welcome and the support you have given me.

It is such a relief to know that I'm not the only one with a "dirty little secret".

I had some real reservations about posting here, but I did it anyway. I have turned to the internet in the past for understandng and support and I ended up getting it by the bucket full from all over the world. (heck I even ended up getting published in a couple of news papers)

here is the link to that:

http://www.sportbikes.net/forums/showthread.php?t=20782&highlight=fuzzy1

It was that experience that taught me there are some really good people out there.

With that said what I am going through now makes what I went through then seem minor. I'm very greatfull to have a place like this to come to, with people like you here.

Thanks all!

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#54042 - 04/19/04 06:26 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ken the offer still stands. I have contacts in Toronto if you need them.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54043 - 04/19/04 07:25 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ken
I've just read all through this remarkable topic, and there isn't much I can add to the great help the guys have already given, although I can add some more support.

I've also read the topic on the bike site that you link to, and your story - for all it's sadness - adds to my faith that there are good and decent people out there and that online communities can be a great help.

It also pointed out to me why I haven't got a bike anymore, I'm 50yo and can't drive to the shop in my Landcruiser unless it's flat out !
And bikes have come a long way since I had a 500cc Triumph ;\)

So take care, be a Survivor.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#54044 - 04/20/04 08:11 AM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Well today isn't such a good day.

What ever triggered me a few days ago hasn't let up.

Last night while watching TV (Monster House rocks!) I felt my heart start racing, my skin became flushed. If I had to put a word to it I would say I was having an anxiety attack. I don't think I've ever had one of those so I'm not sure that is what was happening to me. All I can say is I went from calm and enoying a good tv show to this state of anxiety to a state of pure white rage. I took my dog for a walk hoping that I could figure out what was going on but that didn't help. I ended up spending most of the night in bed suffering through this silent rage.
I am not comfortable with the thought or sensation of losing control of my emotions. Having control over them has got me through life this far,,,

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#54045 - 04/20/04 10:44 AM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ken I can relate to how you feel.

Once when I was like that I took a friend and a baseball bat into the park forest. I took the friend for protection.

I took that baseball bat to a large tree that I could not hurt. At first I started to whack it lightly all the time feeling foolish then after a bit I really got into it and by the time I was finished I was bawling my eyes out and my hand were bloody and I could not even lift the bat I was so sore. Now the friend was there to let other people know I was not totally loony and also to protect myself from me. I got rid of a whole lot of stored up rage and anger.

I do have some recommendations though. Take a metal bat cause if a wooden one breakes you never know were the pieces would go. And where good thick gloves cause it is gonna hurt like hell. But the pain releases the rage.

Afterwards I apologized to the tree and my friend. My friend was just glad to be there and heard a lot about my past and is now a true friend. And I know the tree did not mind. Just glad it could not hit back.

The rage has to go someplace Ken.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#54046 - 04/21/04 12:52 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Hey all... sorry I haven't replied.

I had a motorcycle accident yesterday. Lost control of my back end on cold/damp road. I high-sided and landed on my head..

Concusion, cracked collar bone and a few cracked ribs.

Can life really get any better???????

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#54047 - 04/21/04 01:00 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
OUCH!!!! Just because I said it, I didn't mean for you to go out and do it, a second time. Is the bike ok? Is your ego ok? lol. Ok, seriously, are you going to be ok?

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#54048 - 04/21/04 01:01 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Concusion, cracked collar bone and a few cracked ribs.

Can life really get any better???????
Ken,

I'm sure it can get better than cracked ribs! Sorry, hope that didn't make you laugh.

Maybe this is a chance to slow down (not on the bike) and reflect on the things you're learning. You probably have some new ideas about what happened to you and what it means now that you've heard from some of us. If you're going to have some time to read, there are books specifically for male survivors that have helped several of us.

Get well so you can get back on that bike soon,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#54049 - 04/21/04 02:30 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Thanks guys...

I'm going to be ok. I'm still a bit dizzy and have a whopper of a headache. It feels like I was a tree in a park and someone had some anger to get out...lol ;\)

The bike is ok.. a few scuffs on the upper and lower fairing and by new Ti Yosh can is scuffed, but considering how i went down I am pretty luck.

This is the first "me" day I've had in a long time and it feels kinda nice. Stayed in bed until 11am and it is starting to look good again!

I haver so much to think about right now, so much to absorb, it isn't even funny! The feeling of being alone in this is all but gone, and now I just have to start to digest everything I have read. maybe even begin to accecpt some of it..lol

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#54050 - 04/21/04 07:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Ken - we've got at least two things in common....

1/ The reason we are here. 2/ The cracked ribs (done it three times).... hope you're hat-trick isn't kidney stones ..I'm in the process of getting rid of them & you don't want them.

Speedy recovery...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#54051 - 04/22/04 02:38 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by RICK57:
Ken - we've got at least two things in common....

1/ The reason we are here. 2/ The cracked ribs (done it three times).... hope you're hat-trick isn't kidney stones ..I'm in the process of getting rid of them & you don't want them.

Speedy recovery...Rik
Hey Rick..

I found the best thing for speedy recovery and prevention of stones is 100% pure cranberry juice diluted with a little water.

Not that "Ocean Spray" stuff, but the type you get from the health food store.

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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