Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
almostdonew/life (39), barelysurviving (45), bigbob20 (69), billyp (65), Shawv (70), TheTwoOfUs (43)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63772 Topics
445342 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#54015 - 04/17/04 09:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Wow.. \:\(

I'm speachless.

You people are great and very understanding. Also very smart.

I know it wasn't a realistic expectation, but I expected to be laughed at.

Can someone answer this question for me?

I have some very good friends who are gay. I have no issue with that/them, but I also harbour alot of hatred towards homosexuals.

I KNOW pedophile does not = homosexual.

Whay am I like this. I don't like/beleive in hate.

Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ken,
i know the desperation of what you refer to, my friend. i recall a dream i had so many years ago where i woke up completely convinced that i had done a horrible crime against an innocent. i woke up crying thinking that no one can find this out, but knowing that i would have to turn myself in and so fearful how it would impact my wife at the time (now divorced and happily within the embrace of my true soulmate now). i laid awake for nearly an hour trying to calm down. in the end i was finally able to accept that it was just a nightmare. years later, i started recalling the abuse i suffered at the hands of my maternal perrp and herr husband when i was three years old. all my life i carried this sense of personal filth around me that i could not identify, i only knew that if anyone else knew the real me, they would run screaming. this isolation you have maintained was a survival method of keeping yourself safe, ken. now, you are in a position where the healing can begin. this is what hte initial desperation is about. the old ways are not working anymore, and wont from here on out. we are here for you, bro, i am here. pm me.


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54016 - 04/17/04 09:20 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Ken,
Welcome here. I know the reasons for being here suck, but life is not fair. Do not feel embarrased for what you had no control over. That bastard teacher feel feel the shame, not you.
I really do not have any gems of incredible wisdom, but I can tell you that we are all here for you when you need help. Just reach out, we will not let you fall.
I have went to bed not caring if I ever wake up many times. I am realizing that life has alot more to offer than I have recieved thus far. Just hang on during the tough times, and eventually things will begin to look a little less horrific.
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

Top
#54017 - 04/17/04 09:23 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
wow... please forgive me. The replies are comein fast and furious.

Guys. Please understand me.

I am doing something right now I haven't allowed myself to do in years.

I am crying.

All these years of being "the only one" or the "one with the dirty secret".

Then I find you fine folks.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54018 - 04/17/04 09:23 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Ken,

When I get on a roll, I go on and on and on and....

Anyway, you have a couple responses in the time I took to write my first one. I just want to second the idea that you talk to someone.

If your girlfriend "knows something happened" she may be guessing what it was now. The first person I told was my wife and it turned out to do me and us a world of good.

I used the local crisis center to find the T I see now. Call. They are there for exactly what you need. If someone else needs them, too, they'll get through on another line. You can't take care of the world. Call.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#54019 - 04/17/04 09:26 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, it is common for victums of SA to question their sexuality, especially when it's a man doing it to a man or a boy. Victums also react in other ways to these things. I'm not a therapist, but I would guess that you are associating the sick acts that one dimented bastard did to you as homosexual acts (which they weren't, they were nothing more than sexual abuse by a derranged animal), and associating it with your homosexual friends.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54020 - 04/17/04 09:31 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
the hate you feel is a normal reaction to the criminal actions of the one who violated your young trust.

the confusion/ambiguity over sexuality is because of the violation of the normal development children should be able to experience, but victims of csa are not able to. because of theat early violation there is so much confusion over normal sexual boundaries that we as survivors are confused with. i am currently struggling with these boundary issues on many fronts. right now i am fairly stable, but it is touch and go. the confusion is normal, ken. the boundaries we would have learned had we been left alone to grow as we should have are no longer an option for us. what we have to do is re-learn what normal boundaries are and not to hurt ourselves by negative thinking, or actual behavior, while we are on this journey. does this answer some of your questions? feel free to ask more in any way you feel comfortable with.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54021 - 04/17/04 09:35 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
you put it in a way I never would have considered.

It makes perfect sense, amd I'm embarassed that i didn't consider that myself.

I'm so very glad that i came here tonight. I think I have grown and began to understand things that have been haunting me for all these years..

Quote:
Originally posted by theo:
ken,
the hate you feel is a normal reaction to the criminal actions of the one who violated your young trust.

the confusion/ambiguity over sexuality is because of the violation of the normal development children should be able to experience, but victims of csa are not able to. because of theat early violation there is so much confusion over normal sexual boundaries that we as survivors are confused with. i am currently struggling with these boundary issues on many fronts. right now i am fairly stable, but it is touch and go. the confusion is normal, ken. the boundaries we would have learned had we been left alone to grow as we should have are no longer an option for us. what we have to do is re-learn what normal boundaries are and not to hurt ourselves by negative thinking, or actual behavior, while we are on this journey. does this answer some of your questions? feel free to ask more in any way you feel comfortable with.


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54022 - 04/17/04 09:44 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ken,
this stuff comes hard won, i assure \:D . do not feel embarrassed by not being able to discover it yourself. when we only have the experience of forcing squares into triangle holes, our way of finding solutions will necessarily be very limited. it begins tonight, my friend. there is an image i frequently use that means a lot to me. it is the image drawn from my thelogy research from a master of the discipline. he speaks of the ever expanding horizon as representing the journey we are on in reaching for the holy and the sacred. to me this is about hope. there have been many times i have felt close to the end. in fact, i tried to commit suicide as a child, and once as an adult. when i am feeling so down, it is a struggle of epic proportions to turn my head to the horizon when it is buried in the dirt, but i succeed somehow. we are here to welcome you. you are no longer alone, ken, we stand with you.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54023 - 04/17/04 09:47 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Oh, by the way, "there's two types of bikers, those who have been down, and those who are going down" Which are you? I've crashed one.
\:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

Top
#54024 - 04/17/04 10:04 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
I've only been down on the track once. That really hurt. I was off work for a month! (broke all my ribs at the spine).

I now spend a lot of time riding at Deals gap in Tennessee (www.tailofthedragon.com)

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
Page 2 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.